Fensun90 Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Hello! I'm currently dating a girl (about 4-5 dates) I have had a tendency of being typical overpusuing needy nice guy in the past, but I was fed up with my behavior and started changing for the better. And I notice big difference in the response I get from women. So this is positive. We got known by mutual friends about 4-5 months. She broke up with ex about 3 months ago, although there is still some contact He is a bit emotional abusive and contacting her alot and she's trying to get away from him (so she says) We hooked up at a party and I contacted her day after and started hanging out/dating about a month ago. We meet up max 1-2 times per week. This weekend we hung out for 2 days. I try to keep contact in between to a minimum, but she's always texting about something. We have great sex and I feel we are on the same wavelength and share same views of the world (as far as I can tell.) I rarely initiate contact, she is doing almost all the pursuing, texting all the time etc. But usually I'm the one setting dates. Still I feel there is something not clicking as it should. It's as she's a bit emotional unavailable. When I tell her how hot she looks and she's great etc she shrugs it off and if I stare in her eyes a bit longer than normal, she almost panics: "Why you looking at me, whats wrong??" And I can't remember she actually ever complimented me since we started dating. Never the "I miss you, can't wait to hang out etc" that I'm used to from other girls (not that I need this, it's just strange) She's not so girly maybe, she seems very independent, but she has some problems with self esteem/self image I've been told. When we're hanging out she is always very cuddly, touchy, and we always ending up with good sex. And she's talking about our future together (possible meet her parents for example) Also I was joking about some stuff she left at my place and she said: You better get used to it! (in a funny way) I have not seen her this week, altough we're planning a trip from friday to saturday this weekend. Am I maybe being a little impatient? Overanalyzing, or as a sometimes feel; maybe a rebound? What's your guys take on this? I'm really trying to not force or push anything on her and give her time, but not sure what's the right course of action. Would love your input. BTW: I'm 28, she's 26.
pandagirl2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 (edited) Have you tried talking to her and telling her all that? Edited September 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote
Larry56 Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Assume this chick is still a bit hung up over the other guy. Just because she says he was abusive doesn't mean she is over him completely. I don't sympathise with her toooooo much...women say alot of things about a guy...but again...if they are such terrible people...why were they together so long (doesn't make sense right?) Yes you're being impatient...pushing a woman into a relationship shows your neediness. Don't tell her you love her either until she says it. You are probably the rebound but just keep your cool and just keep banging her until she gets over him. Oh I'm sorry...I mean #makelovewithher
Larry56 Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 (edited) Have you tried talking to her and telling her all that? NO ABORT ABORT ABORT Do not do that OP. Do not explain your feelings to the woman. Edited September 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
BaileyB Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 She broke up with her ex 3 months ago. He is a bit emotional abusive and contacting her alot and she's trying to get away from him (so she says) When I tell her how hot she looks and she's great etc she shrugs it off and if I stare in her eyes a bit longer than normal, she almost panics: "Why you looking at me, whats wrong??" I don't see a woman who is emotionally insure. Perhaps, when you give her compliments and look deeply in her eyes, she is responding with humility or she is uncomfortable. My boyfriend used to do that to me when we started dating... It's uncomfortable. People don't often make sustained, direct eye contact. She initiates contact, she is physically affectionate, she has a sense of humor and is joking about the future... All good things. But, I do agree with the previous post... The fact that it's only been three months and she is still in contact with her abusive ex boyfriend is not a good sign. Perhaps, she is trying to get over him but he is still clearly trying to get his hooks in her... If she is done with him, she should be no contact. Proceed with caution. 1
Author Fensun90 Posted September 4, 2018 Author Posted September 4, 2018 Man, thats some quick answers! Thanks, I dont want to talk to her about these feelings because that I dont want to come off needy. I do feel like a needy vibe will kill off attraction quicker than the plague with this chick. I agree with Larry.. I think Im being impatient, and I never brought up any kind of labeling either. When friends joke about us as a "couple" I usually try to defuse the situation.
Author Fensun90 Posted September 4, 2018 Author Posted September 4, 2018 I don't see a woman who is emotionally insure. Perhaps, when you give her compliments and look deeply in her eyes, she is responding with humility or she is uncomfortable. My boyfriend used to do that to me when we started dating... It's uncomfortable. People don't often make sustained, direct eye contact. She initiates contact, she is physically affectionate, she has a sense of humor and is joking about the future... All good things. But, I do agree with the previous post... The fact that it's only been three months and she is still in contact with her abusive ex boyfriend is not a good sign. Perhaps, she is trying to get over him but he is still clearly trying to get his hooks in her... If she is done with him, she should be no contact. Proceed with caution. I agree. I feel its strange that there is still contact. At least she almost never talks about this guy and I never ask about him, and I do my best to give her as much space as she needs. When she's out with friends or hanging out with a guy friend, I've never given off a jealous vibe or whined about this either.
SevenCity Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 (edited) NO ABORT ABORT ABORT Do not do that OP. Do not explain your feelings to the woman. I would disagree if this was a Hollywood movie, but since this is real life, Larry gives good advice. Let her come to you at her pace. Edited September 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
coolheadal Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 Hello! I'm currently dating a girl (about 4-5 dates) I have had a tendency of being typical overpusuing needy nice guy in the past, but I was fed up with my behavior and started changing for the better. And I notice big difference in the response I get from women. So this is positive. We got known by mutual friends about 4-5 months. She broke up with ex about 3 months ago, although there is still some contact He is a bit emotional abusive and contacting her alot and she's trying to get away from him (so she says) We hooked up at a party and I contacted her day after and started hanging out/dating about a month ago. We meet up max 1-2 times per week. This weekend we hung out for 2 days. I try to keep contact in between to a minimum, but she's always texting about something. We have great sex and I feel we are on the same wavelength and share same views of the world (as far as I can tell.) I rarely initiate contact, she is doing almost all the pursuing, texting all the time etc. But usually I'm the one setting dates. Still I feel there is something not clicking as it should. It's as she's a bit emotional unavailable. When I tell her how hot she looks and she's great etc she shrugs it off and if I stare in her eyes a bit longer than normal, she almost panics: "Why you looking at me, whats wrong??" And I can't remember she actually ever complimented me since we started dating. Never the "I miss you, can't wait to hang out etc" that I'm used to from other girls (not that I need this, it's just strange) She's not so girly maybe, she seems very independent, but she has some problems with self esteem/self image I've been told. When we're hanging out she is always very cuddly, touchy, and we always ending up with good sex. And she's talking about our future together (possible meet her parents for example) Also I was joking about some stuff she left at my place and she said: You better get used to it! (in a funny way) I have not seen her this week, altough we're planning a trip from friday to saturday this weekend. Am I maybe being a little impatient? Overanalyzing, or as a sometimes feel; maybe a rebound? What's your guys take on this? I'm really trying to not force or push anything on her and give her time, but not sure what's the right course of action. Would love your input. BTW: I'm 28, she's 26. The EX BF is still on her mind, she's using you as option until she can sort her life out with him again. Remember you are her option, but not the person she wants to be with on regular bases. So either you keep up the charade with her as her so call date for sex, cuddly and some sort of love more like a buddy sex friend then a true lover partner. Because real story is that is what you have. You got stuck in her web of lies until the real option is back in her life you will do for now. She won't contact her you like you want because your just an option in her eyes!
Author Fensun90 Posted September 5, 2018 Author Posted September 5, 2018 The EX BF is still on her mind, she's using you as option until she can sort her life out with him again. Remember you are her option, but not the person she wants to be with on regular bases. So either you keep up the charade with her as her so call date for sex, cuddly and some sort of love more like a buddy sex friend then a true lover partner. Because real story is that is what you have. You got stuck in her web of lies until the real option is back in her life you will do for now. She won't contact her you like you want because your just an option in her eyes! I have this feeling yes, but I also think its strange that shes the one who broke up with him and at she and her friends say that he's a total psycho and dont want to have anything to do with him or his family. But idunno cause I feel theres still some contact,but im not sure. I do feel you hit something here. I think I will just keep calm and see where this goes. Its strange cause she seems so into me. But well at least im getting laid, but id like to go further with her. I thimk they were together for 2 years.
Gretchen12 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 The EX BF is still on her mind, she's using you as option until she can sort her life out with him again. Remember you are her option, but not the person she wants to be with on regular bases. So either you keep up the charade with her as her so call date for sex, cuddly and some sort of love more like a buddy sex friend then a true lover partner. Because real story is that is what you have. You got stuck in her web of lies until the real option is back in her life you will do for now. She won't contact her you like you want because your just an option in her eyes! That's a lot of negativity. 1
smackie9 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 You are right, she is emotionally unavailable and yes you are a rebound....what were you thinking of getting out of this? She was only 3 months out an abusive relationship and in contact with her ex...what does that tell you? duh.... So this is what you can do....keep smashing her until that well runs dry.
smackie9 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 NO ABORT ABORT ABORT Do not do that OP. Do not explain your feelings to the woman. Larry is 100% right. Never ever do this. Expressing your feelings at this time would be going back to your old ways of doing things when you are getting desperate. She would just go ick and find some outlaw motorcycle gang member to have fun with. 1
Redhead14 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 Hello! I'm currently dating a girl (about 4-5 dates) I have had a tendency of being typical overpusuing needy nice guy in the past, but I was fed up with my behavior and started changing for the better. And I notice big difference in the response I get from women. So this is positive. We got known by mutual friends about 4-5 months. She broke up with ex about 3 months ago, although there is still some contact He is a bit emotional abusive and contacting her alot and she's trying to get away from him (so she says) We hooked up at a party and I contacted her day after and started hanging out/dating about a month ago. We meet up max 1-2 times per week. This weekend we hung out for 2 days. I try to keep contact in between to a minimum, but she's always texting about something. We have great sex and I feel we are on the same wavelength and share same views of the world (as far as I can tell.) I rarely initiate contact, she is doing almost all the pursuing, texting all the time etc. But usually I'm the one setting dates. Still I feel there is something not clicking as it should. It's as she's a bit emotional unavailable. When I tell her how hot she looks and she's great etc she shrugs it off and if I stare in her eyes a bit longer than normal, she almost panics: "Why you looking at me, whats wrong??" And I can't remember she actually ever complimented me since we started dating. Never the "I miss you, can't wait to hang out etc" that I'm used to from other girls (not that I need this, it's just strange) She's not so girly maybe, she seems very independent, but she has some problems with self esteem/self image I've been told. When we're hanging out she is always very cuddly, touchy, and we always ending up with good sex. And she's talking about our future together (possible meet her parents for example) Also I was joking about some stuff she left at my place and she said: You better get used to it! (in a funny way) I have not seen her this week, altough we're planning a trip from friday to saturday this weekend. Am I maybe being a little impatient? Overanalyzing, or as a sometimes feel; maybe a rebound? What's your guys take on this? I'm really trying to not force or push anything on her and give her time, but not sure what's the right course of action. Would love your input. BTW: I'm 28, she's 26. Hold on here. You're in your own head about not coming off as needy and yet you're expecting her to be all clingy and needy? Never the "I miss you, can't wait to hang out etc" that I'm used to from other girls - If other girls are doing this at 4 or 5 dates, they are the clingy, needy ones. IMO, she's just a little reserved and sitting back a little to see where you take all this although she's taken a pretty big lead here and not giving you much opportunity to show her "where you are" with her. It's only be 4 or 5 dates, right? She's keeping in good touch, to the point of you not needing to do much, she's sleeping with you etc. Don't expect her to be "all girlfriendy" yet. I don't know a lot of women who want a man to stare her down in the first few dates. It's one thing to look into her eyes, but staring makes most people uncomfortable. And, she doesn't know how to take a compliment -- maybe there's some esteem issue there, but you need to observe for a little while longer, I'd say. 1
Gretchen12 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 OP I think this is your insecurity and negativity. Positive people don't think the way you do. But we are who we are. You need a match. And there are girls out there who appreciates needy guys. For example, I run away from needy guy when we're just dating and not in a relationship. Once in the relationship, I embrace the needy guy. Translated it means pushing things to go faster in the beginning will push me away. But having needs in a relationship is normal. Just be yourself, with reality check. Communicate. Human beings are too complex for one person to make conclusions based on a few dates. Most of the scenarios are just in your mind. 1
Author Fensun90 Posted September 8, 2018 Author Posted September 8, 2018 Yeah I know, but I'm not a negative guy really, just confidence issues. I'm actually very generous and a good guy. But playing these scenarios in my head is no good I know. Amazing how it's possible to blow things out of porportion in the head. Still, we hung out today at her place. (1 week since last hangout) We had planned this and she was texting a lot to ask me to come over to be with her and she made dinner and we watched a movie and talked a lot. Convo was pretty good, we had a good time. We made out a bit, but no sex. She's been a little bit down flu, but is coming around so I guess she wasn't feeling it as much today. Idunno. I did not push the issue I talked to a friend and it seems like this ex is soon going to have a restraning order, so I guess it's not so much of a issue to worry about. We're gonna hang out tomorrow as well and I think I'll just take it day by day, maybe start talk to some other girls as well. Feel like I'm again getting stuck in the "one-girl-syndrome" now and that's not healthy. It still feels like a rebound and she maybe is a bit insure of what to do. I'm not sure. Thanks for now for the input. In the near future I will post how this project ends.
CKJD Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 I agree, a lot of what you are feeling is your insecurity. All in your head. Except for the things that are not in your head. Consider you might be ignoring significant red flags here based on how good the sex is for you at this point. This girl may not be the one for you and I think you're starting to see why. You're starting to feel uneasy with her and it's not nerves. If things were going well you wouldn't have these feelings and would be comfortable with being yourself and the natural progression of this relationship. You regressing to needy feelings is your gut telling you that you have been here before. No girl who is ready to be all in would be in contact with an ex, especially a "little bit abusive one." Look, maybe her ex is hounding her but girls like this know damn well they have the power to shut down unwanted attention from men, they just decide not to. She is starting to play victim to keep you hooked so that she can decide what to do with you at a later date rather than face her feelings honestly. Don't take this to mean she doesn't enjoy you, you obviously ring some bells for her but she's put you in an unfair position.
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