Lost

[tullymars]

Well, guess the title says it all. I'll be as concise as possible. Been involved with a woman, woman "A", for nearly 2 years. I was married when this started and she with long term live in BF. I did get divorced, multiple reasons for this, not the affair. During the course of the affair she has continued to live with BF. Saying she is not happy etc.. Finally he moved out in April and she became more distant than ever. Pushed me away and was very mean to me. Then would pull me back. This cycle has gone on through the entire relationship but was exacerbated since April. No consistent relationship. I started to give up anything ever materializing.

 

 

 

During this time I started to get together with another woman, woman "B", very casual. We would sometimes go weeks without seeing each other, basically hung out and enjoyed each others company. I would never let myself really open up or let feelings cloud us.

 

 

 

Fast forward, and there are many negative things that have transpired between myself and woman "A" which resulted in me giving her an ultimatum, multiple times since July. A few weeks ago I finally put it all out there because at this point I have fallen into a deep depression and subsequently being treated for this also. My feelings are all but gone for woman "A" whom I felt was the absolute one I had been waiting for. I started to focus on woman "B" and have felt wonderful. She genuinely wants my company, no drama, no expectations, just enjoy being together doing anything. Now, woman "A" decides she has made mistakes and doesn't want to lose me and wants everything we've talked about.

 

 

I am now confused and lost as I stated above. My feelings have been damaged to a point that I don't know if they'll come back how they once were. She feels this and wants to do anything to get this back. The issue has been since her BF moved out, they never ended things really. Still listed as in a relationship, he still has things at her home and they still communicate. I told her many times I was not sticking around while this was happening, hence the reason i finally was able to begin moving on. Now she wants this and I've begun to feel more for the other woman, who has also expressed she would like more with me and see where we go. I don't know if I should stay and give this one last try, even though I don't feel how I once did, I actually feel apprehensive and anxious. I feel like I am doing something wrong by moving on because she pushed me away and took me for granted for so long. We were once happy, I guess many can say the same thing. I certainly want to avoid hurting her. I do want to protect myself as well. And as of this posting, still has not completely ended things. Has asked me if the feelings are gone and is afraid to let go of the previous life because at least she knows what she'll get there. She wants a guarantee, something I cannot give nor was afforded to me. I took a leap of faith and stepped towards uncertainty.

 

 

 

Any advice? I've never been in this situation.....ever.

Edited September 4, 2018 by tullymars
grammar/spelling

[skywriter]

tullymars,My advice for you, would be, to move on with woman B.

 

To quote you, "She genuinely wants my company, no drama, no expectations, just enjoy being together doing anything. Now, woman "A" decides she has made mistakes and doesn't want to lose me and wants everything we've talked about"

[sandylee1]

Definitely go with Woman B. It's a no brainer.

[CloudyHead]

Woman "A" sounds toxic. That is an unhealthy relationship so I would push woman "A" out of my life.

 

You were married, had an affair, got divorced, continued pining for woman "A" then stopped pining for woman "A" and started a relationship with woman "B". I think you need to focus on yourself for a bit. Learn what makes YOU happy and how to be content with yourself.

[FMW]

Stay away from woman A. On top of all the xxxx she's put you through she doesn't want to leave her BF unless she knows you'll be there for her? There is no reasonable reason to have anything to do with her anymore. If your feelings for her have diminished that's great! It will make it easier for you to move on.

 

As for woman B, it's great for you that she's there, but not so great for her that you are even considering going back to woman A. I assume B doesn't know about A, but she's still being shortchanged until you stop holding on to A.

[Vivir]

tullymars,

Sometimes when the feelings are gone, there is nothing that can be done aside from walking away.

 

You wanted to be with this woman A for so long, but really, the damage is done. .. and she is still involved with her boyfriend!

 

My advice: this woman needs time on her own to figure things out; although, she has likely been doing that with you since April (that is, wasting your time) and not being totally up front with you about her feelings or what's been going on on her end of things...

 

The damage is done. By being up front and honest with her about your own feelings, you would not be being mean to her... you will be telling her the truth (and the truth shall set you both free!).

 

Given all that you have been through, though, I would try my best to keep things light and fun with woman B for as long as possible before stepping off into serious territory. Use your time to yourself to work out your own feelings and thoughts, because you are actually ending your interaction with woman A.

 

Most people would argue that you should be alone to do the above, but I cannot argue for that. Loneliness is for the birds.

 

What do you think?

[tullymars]

Thank you all for the responses. Apologies for the silence. There have been more ups and downs and I feel as if I’m losing my mind because of guilt, depression and anxiety.

 

I told woman A I couldn’t be with her unless everything was over. She was angry. Then she said she can’t lose me. The past few weeks she said she is all about us, told him they were done. Said she will prove and show me that she will do anything for us. We started spending more time together and though I’ve been pulled back, I’ve begun to open up again.

 

Cut to this week, a bunch of us went away, and we were there too. She said before we go away everything will be done and over with the ex. One of the biggest issues has been that she lists her social media as in a relationship with him still. It bothers me and upsets me. I just wish she would make it as single. She fights me every step of the way and he also has not moved everything out yet.

 

Her excuse for social media is that she doesn’t want to hurt him more by changing it. Well, she’s destroyed my trust and my hopes to spare his feelings ever and over. I told her again today that I can’t be with her unless she is completely over with him. I know I’m a sucker and blinded. My guilt of her losing what we could have been is what holds me back. This isn’t healthy I know. All I want to do is go spend time with woman B, I miss the fun, laid back times we have. I’m such an idiot for not following the advice I so often give.

 

What am I doing? What do I do to move on? I’m always so selfless that I’ve lost me. I’m devastated and need help. I know only i can do this, how do I get to the right place to do this??

Edited September 17, 2018 by tullymars
Grammar

[Vivir]

I think one of the problems here is your dynamic with this woman. You have to say what you mean and mean what you say.

 

If you say you can't be with her unless everything is over with the other guy, then you have to remove yourself from the situation until she proves that her relationship is over with the other guy.

 

You love her. You want her. But you keep engaging with her even though that other guy is there in her background. Hopefully, he is not in the foreground and she is lying to you... because THAT is a possibility. I digress. My point is that you have to find the strength and will-power not to engage her when she is doing breakup-lite with her supposed ex. She is learning that you will put up with it. It hurts you, and still she doesn't stop - because it hurts him... Does that mean she cares more for his feelings than she does yours?

 

No matter what she does, though, you have to stick with what you say you're going to do or not going to do or she will not take you seriously. Not because she doesn't want to take you seriously (probably), but just because that is the way human nature works... we want to take all the time in the world to do "hard" things because it is easier for us that way... no one is actually pulling the trigger for us to get our butts in gear...

 

Personally, I HATE limbo. And I, too, miss Woman B. Just saying.