bathtub-row Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Some things need no reasoning or further in depth analysis....I can't think of any scenario where someone would consider that type of behavior to be that of a stable and confident person.. It's like using the reasoning to cross an 8 lane interstate highway on foot because it's good exercise... You want to find out the in's and out's of this, be my guest, but I wouldn't... TFY I dated someone that I kept giving the benefit of the doubt. Oh, this is the reason, such and such is going on, blah, blah, blah. He was a nightmare and it’s been my experience when people are irrational like that, it’s time to walk. Making excuses or trying to understand it is just a great way to trap yourself into an insane situation. I now have a zero tolerance policy for irrational behavior and extreme anger. No second chances. 3
shellybing Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 New girlfriend, everything seemed to be going well until last weekend when we ordered a lunch item to share. The waitress offered another plate which I accepted, then I proceeded to put a portion of food onto it. The new girlfriend got upset that we didn't share the same plate. Her logic was that it showed that we weren't a couple and I explained that it was a matter of convenience and I couldn't possibly imagine someone getting upset for something like that. As the discussion (or argument) progressed, I said she shouldn't be upset over something this silly. She responded by telling me not to tell her what to do with with such an angry look in her eyes. I was totally disappointed in what I thought was a promising relationship, this incident took me totally by surprise. Any thoughts out there on a decision to end this relationship now? Some people share communal food to feel more connected to one another. We have a big plate of nacho's sometimes that everyone in the house eats off of. I get her reasons, but not everyone has to be like that. Some people just don't really like other's germs on their food, and thats okay. Most of the time we just do the community food at home anyway.
shellybing Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 I don't think it should be a deal breaker, maybe have a discussion about it and apologize, and let her know how you felt about the situation. It is a silly reason to be upset, but it's not silly to her. Also be on the look out for symptoms of bi polar. . . .
smackie9 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 Apologize???? for what? He wasn't the one that acted like a child....so he should emasculate himself and crawl on his hands and knees to make things better for HER? No way. He would only be enabling this outrageous behavior. It not worth it to wait around for another storm. 3
OnlyHonesty Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 She responded by telling me not to tell her what to do with with such an angry look in her eyes. But it is perfectly ok for her to tell you what to do when it suits her own agenda? What you experienced was only a glimpse of future hell. I'd recommend you push eject immediately. If someone has anger in their eyes just from something like that, then there are much deeper problems beneath the surface. 3
Lotsgoingon Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 (edited) If the OP backs off and apologizes now, he will be back on this board in a few months talking about his gf screaming at him on some other irrelevant matter. What's more, an apology would be dishonest. The OP doesn't think he did anything wrong ... and the vast majority of us here agree. He did nothing wrong and nothing worthy of a bout of screaming. (OP didn't forget gf's birthday ... didn't stand her up, etc.--those are worthy of apologies.) The OP needs to stand his ground in a mature way (in contrast to the immature lashing out of his gf.) No name-calling or screaming but stand his ground all the same. He enjoyed the food and enjoyed the night and enjoyed the dinner with his gf. Back off and you're being dishonest and setting a horrible pattern. Edited September 5, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 4
shellybing Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 I know that eating off the same plate is a trivial thing to him, but for her it isn't a trivial thing. It was truly hurtful. I know that I feel that way about some things that are silly to other people. For example, I was out for a birthday with my boyfriend once, I was really excited about it, and there was a beligerant woman talking about a bunch of negative things. She targeted me while we were eating and was picking at me because I ate a salad and didn't load my plate with a bunch of steak. I was really angry that my boyfriend didn't say anything to her about that, and I was upset. I see in hindsight we were all a little tipsy, and trying to avoid a problem at a restaurant and not make a scene at someone elses birthday. But i was genuinely upset, even though it was silly. OP didn't do anything wrong, but he is disregarding her feelings about it, and that is why the apology. I don't think he should apologize for not eating off the plate, I think he should apologize for disregarding her feelings about the topic. And I think she should apologize for not understanding that not everyone carries the same views as she does, because it is silly to think that just because someone didn't eat off the same plate, it discounts an entire relationship. There is middle ground to be had. I would still be on the lookout for bi polar disorder. Getting that angry look like that over a plate, sends red flags up for me about mental health. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 I don't think he should apologize for not eating off the plate, I think he should apologize for disregarding her feelings about the topic. And I think she should apologize for not understanding that not everyone carries the same views as she does, because it is silly to think that just because someone didn't eat off the same plate, it discounts an entire relationship. There is middle ground to be had. I would still be on the lookout for bi polar disorder. Getting that angry look like that over a plate, sends red flags up for me about mental health. So you're thinking he should apologize for saying "you shouldn't feel this way." I definitely think that was a dumb, dismissive thing to tell her. But she lashed out at him ... And she needs to apologize for doing that. Not for having her position, but for screaming and assuming that he should read her mind and for not telling him her expectation before they ate. You have to be very careful about apologizing for innocent stuff ... doing so to immature people doesn't bring about mutual understanding. They'll take your apology and use it to keep you on the defensive. 2
preraph Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 It was a ridiculous thing to be mad about. It couldn't be more juvenile. And of all the things for her to start a fight about. I mean, he took her to dinner. And this is his thanks. I would say never again. Her little visions of how she thinks rom-com romance works are not his problem. 1
Orokotikki Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 Utterly gobsmacked this thread didn't die at one page. Shows what I know ::shrug:: Totally agree with lotsgoingon and onlyhonesty... 1
bathtub-row Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 I would still be on the lookout for bi polar disorder. Getting that angry look like that over a plate, sends red flags up for me about mental health. And therein lies the problem. Regardless of her being hurt about it, her reaction was completely over-the-top; so much so that it calls her mental health into question. That’s all I would need to know. Game over. 5
kendahke Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 So you're thinking he should apologize for saying "you shouldn't feel this way." I definitely think that was a dumb, dismissive thing to tell her. But she lashed out at him ... I'm curious as to how things have been falling out inexperience in this relationship before this happened. Has OP been in the habit of discounting her views and feelings and this day, she wasn't there for that? 1
guest569 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 I'm curious as to how things have been falling out inexperience in this relationship before this happened. Has OP been in the habit of discounting her views and feelings and this day, she wasn't there for that? Her choice of words "don't tell me what to do" are telling. I suspect there is an issue that has been building. I'm not saying OP should be a doormat and grovel, but he shouldn't break up with her. He doesn't need to do some in depth analysis. Just wait till they are both calm and ask her about what happened. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 cre8r Her reaction was over the top & ridiculous but your response made things worse. For whatever reason the plate sharing was important to her & symbolic. You saw it the way most other people do as trivial & meaningless but had you handled the situation differently, with more sensitivity & diplomacy you two probably could have found a middle ground. Had you said something like, "I hear what you are saying. I feel differently about plate sharing with you & would prefer not to have to reach awkwardly across the table. Of course we are a couple & I'm happy & proud to be with you but can we please let this go & eat our meal?" she may have simmered down about it. As it stands you two just need to be apart. You think she is nuts. She thinks you are insensitive. Trust is neither of you are accurate in your assessment of the other but you still are not good for each other because your communications are not in sync. 1
alphamale Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 this situation is like something out of a Seinfeld episode 5
todreaminblue Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 I agree with the above posters its petty stuff......drama.....she sounds insecure ....maybe theres soem baggage there you might ask about why she feels the way she does...why she doesnt feel secure in your coupledom enough to have to eat off the same plate to prove it./....then decide... but to me this requires communication if you really like her...work at it....talk to her ....tell her your thoughts on what is and isnt appropriate and how you feel about the whole issue about a plate...its work though....and honestly ...seems like it might be a relationship that will require a fair bit of work and effort for her to feel secure in being part of a couple with you..its your choice whether you believe in the relationship and her...or you dont........good luck...deb 1
Gretchen12 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 She wanted to do the Disney Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene. 1
Author cre8r Posted September 6, 2018 Author Posted September 6, 2018 She wanted to do the Disney Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene. Unreal, I didn't want to say it but that's exactly what she referenced. That's what she wanted. Congratulations on your insight. 1
Author cre8r Posted September 6, 2018 Author Posted September 6, 2018 I agree with the above posters its petty stuff......drama.....she sounds insecure ....maybe theres soem baggage there you might ask about why she feels the way she does...why she doesnt feel secure in your coupledom enough to have to eat off the same plate to prove it./....then decide... but to me this requires communication if you really like her...work at it....talk to her ....tell her your thoughts on what is and isnt appropriate and how you feel about the whole issue about a plate...its work though....and honestly ...seems like it might be a relationship that will require a fair bit of work and effort for her to feel secure in being part of a couple with you..its your choice whether you believe in the relationship and her...or you dont........good luck...deb Yes, I think you are right, I don't think she's secure about the relationship. 1
Gretchen12 Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 Unreal, I didn't want to say it but that's exactly what she referenced. That's what she wanted. Congratulations on your insight. Noooo... I meant it as a funny put down but if she really said that it's scary-sad. (Unless she's 14?) 1
gaius Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 Sharing a plate of food can be intimate and sexy, you people are being way too hard on this girl. Especially since you don't know the actual tone of her reaction. If you like her then be looking for every excuse you can find to be intimate. 3
Lotsgoingon Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 And drum roll ....... Your gf could told you ahead of time that she wanted to eat off the plate with you. But apparently this would have required her to own up to a desire and to make that desire known ... instead, her prince was supposed to read her mind. Bbtw: that Disney reference is hilarious!!!!!!!! OP, I you were so kind to leave out her mention of the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene. Your gf has no idea how generous you are! Update on this relationship at some point. 1
Logo Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 Next time, just eat half of it and when you’re finished push it over to her and say, I want to share this with you, you can have the rest. 2
preraph Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 Well, you might want to remind her that only dogs, not polite humans, eat like that in public, but good luck finding her "Tramp." 2
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