cre8r Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 New girlfriend, everything seemed to be going well until last weekend when we ordered a lunch item to share. The waitress offered another plate which I accepted, then I proceeded to put a portion of food onto it. The new girlfriend got upset that we didn't share the same plate. Her logic was that it showed that we weren't a couple and I explained that it was a matter of convenience and I couldn't possibly imagine someone getting upset for something like that. As the discussion (or argument) progressed, I said she shouldn't be upset over something this silly. She responded by telling me not to tell her what to do with with such an angry look in her eyes. I was totally disappointed in what I thought was a promising relationship, this incident took me totally by surprise. Any thoughts out there on a decision to end this relationship now?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Good grief, she sounds like a child. Expect a lot more drama if you stick around. This is such a silly thing to pout over. Imagine what will happen if you really make her upset. This is a red flag. I would be very clear you don't tolerate that nonsense. 4
BaileyB Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Your behavior was polite and socially approrpiate to the situation. Her response was childish and immature. Do with that what you will... 3
Art_Critic Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 I eat dinner with my wife and use separate plates and we are a couple, in fact I would hazard a guess and say that 99.9% of couples use their own plates, even if they share the same food. My wife will occasionally ask me if I want to finish her leftovers and I put them on my plate. I think this girl has a romantic view in her head that is full of fantasy and if she expects you to run with that I would think you are in for a rude awakening when you find out how childish she will take things in the future. It sounds like she is young, if that is the case then talk with her about this and if it can't be resolved then move on, if she is older then just move on.. 1
PegNosePete Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 I explained that it was a matter of convenience and I couldn't possibly imagine someone getting upset for something like that. As the discussion (or argument) progressed, I said she shouldn't be upset over something this silly. She is ridiculous and childish, but you responded in a way that is hurtful, dismissive and disrespectful of her feelings. I think you both have something to learn from this episode! Her: how to act in an adult manner. You: how to handle difference of opinion without belittling others feelings. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Your gf's outburst sounds childish, narcissistic, even foolish. Now I do want to offer you a tip. Telling someone "You shouldn't feel that way" ... almost never works. People can change their feelings over time, of course. But in the moment, "You shouldn't feel that way" ... completely unhelpful. Almost guaranteed to lead to more conflict and up the tension. Instead of "You shouldn't feel X way," just confidently voice your feelings. "I enjoyed myself and enjoyed the dinner with you. I enjoyed talking about X and Y ... Food was fantastic ...Eating off the same plate does not really matter to me. So I'm surprised that this matters so much to you." Here are you affirming YOUR interpretation of reality without dismissing her interpretation. Voicing your own feelings places you on equal ground with her. Right now, she's towering two big steps above you, yelling down at you. She blasted you for not eating on the same plate ... Then she blasted you for dismissing her feelings. Girlfriend 2 ... You: 0. Most likely this woman isn't the right person for you. Write down the details in a journal somewhere because this episode will hilarious once this initial disappointment fades. Comedians die for experiences like this, which they take and then exaggerate. 1
Zahara Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 If she has such a negative reaction to a non-issue, I can't imagine what's to come. You've just witnessed a flag so keep on the lookout for more unreasonable behavior. 2
ExtraSpice Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 That does seem quite childish to me. One time I went to one of those paint your own ceramic things with the girl I was dating. We picked a small item that had two parts to it. I said why don't you paint the bottom and I'll paint the top. Well that upset her because she wanted us to paint it together. In my view we were painting together, we were painting the same item. She wanted us to paint the same part but painting the same part would be inconvenient as it was too small and having two people handle it would just introduce unnecessary difficulty. Not exactly the same thing as eating off the same plate but the thing is she had an idea or fantasy of how couples are or should be and that continued on into the relationship. She equated these instances to love and how close we were and so on. That relationship did not work out. And if your girlfriend acted that way for eating off the same plate then that won't be an isolated event. I say might as well move on because even though people can change habits and views it doesn't happen over night and takes a lot of effort. So why not just go with someone who is more aligned with your own views. That being said as others have mentioned telling someone they shouldn't feel a certain way never works regardless of whether their feeling is justified or not. That part should have been phrased differently.
kendahke Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 New girlfriend, everything seemed to be going well until last weekend when we ordered a lunch item to share. The waitress offered another plate which I accepted, then I proceeded to put a portion of food onto it. The new girlfriend got upset that we didn't share the same plate. Her logic was that it showed that we weren't a couple and I explained that it was a matter of convenience and I couldn't possibly imagine someone getting upset for something like that. As the discussion (or argument) progressed, I said she shouldn't be upset over something this silly. She responded by telling me not to tell her what to do with with such an angry look in her eyes. I was totally disappointed in what I thought was a promising relationship, this incident took me totally by surprise. Any thoughts out there on a decision to end this relationship now? Is she feral or something? Yes you should end this. You both are on completely different pages about what constitutes the definition of being a couple. However, I think you misstepped big time with your mansplaining by telling her what she should or shouldn't be feeling--that wasn't your place. Your place was to say " I thought it would be more convenient..." and leave it at that and gone on to enjoy the dish from the same plate. You basically turned into her dad and scolded her. You don't want a parent/child dynamic in your relationships--you want adult/adult---and adults do not lecture other adults about how they feel about something. Parents do that with children. 1
smackie9 Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 I would have to say this should be a "deal breaker" This sort of thing is a precursor to future upsets that don't make any sense. And dude there is nothing you can do about it...can you imagine her doing this at a family dinner? or at someone's wedding? She is showing her true colors.....run forest run! 1
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Keep the separate plate; get a new GF. Too much nonsense over a trivial matter. Next. 3
MaleIntuition Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Hm, yeah a silly argument, but perhaps even a more silly reason to break up for if the relationship is good otherwise..? 1
smackie9 Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 It's not good anymore when the cray cray comes out. 2
bathtub-row Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Lose this girl, fast. She just showed you her true personality. 2
Redhead14 Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 New girlfriend, everything seemed to be going well until last weekend when we ordered a lunch item to share. The waitress offered another plate which I accepted, then I proceeded to put a portion of food onto it. The new girlfriend got upset that we didn't share the same plate. Her logic was that it showed that we weren't a couple and I explained that it was a matter of convenience and I couldn't possibly imagine someone getting upset for something like that. As the discussion (or argument) progressed, I said she shouldn't be upset over something this silly. She responded by telling me not to tell her what to do with with such an angry look in her eyes. I was totally disappointed in what I thought was a promising relationship, this incident took me totally by surprise. Any thoughts out there on a decision to end this relationship now? You may want to delve a little deeper into this. Sometimes a person will overreact to a minor affront not because of that situation, but something larger. Does she have any more significant concerns regarding the relationship? To me she is giving a heads up that she's not feeling secure in the relationship and looking for "the little signs" that some women look for for reassurance. Are you communicating your intentions clearly enough and being attentive? If you feel confident that you are doing what any "normal" woman would usually expect from a partner at this point overall, then I'd say you've got quite a drama/control queen and an insecure/immature brat on your hands and you should run as fast as you can. 5
Zapbasket Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 I'd say this doesn't bode well that she's being this nitpicky so early on in the relationship, over such a trivial thing. Plates shared or not shared can become a thing when the relationship has enough history, and perhaps buried fears or resentments, to make such small interactions, "things," but you guys haven't built that history yet, which means she's projecting something that has nothing to do with the two of you onto the gesture of separate plates. And THAT does not bode well for the future of this relationship. But I'm not going to jump on the "dump her now" bandwagon, because I have to tell you, your whole way of responding to her will not bode well for you for ANY relationship, with her, or someone else. Even if you're privately thinking, "OMG, seriously, all this over a plate?", you will get nowhere by telling her she's being ridiculous or diminishing her feelings in any way. It only escalates the situation. And referring to anyone's expressed feelings as "drama" shows you don't respect her. If you already feel contempt for her feelings and preferences, which it sounds like you do (and perhaps legitimately, I might add), then yes, I think it's wise to end it here. Someone you're genuinely into can express all kinds of preferences and it won't phase you a bit--unless the person truly is cray-cray. 1
bathtub-row Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Giving people chances after they go ballistic on you is a sure-fire way to get sucked into a verbally abusive relationship, full of high drama and excuses. I would dump someone the second they pulled a stunt like this. 3
ChatroomHero Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 I agree with everyone else, not a good sign. If it was a one off or something else is going on it may be related to that, but I find when you get the demanding controlling behavior like that it usually ends in everything you do with her you will wonder what she is going to be upset about. The next time you go out and you'll use the same plate to appease her but she'll have a reason to be upset about that. She'll justify it with dumb logic like last time you got finger food and this time it requires a fork and somehow that's different...you end up always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Normal, healthy people would not find you getting a second plate unusual in the least.
smackie9 Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 She totally accuses the OP as being inconsiderate/disrespectful and questions the relationship over an extra plate....that IS concerning. 2
mortensorchid Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 I think there is something else at work with her rather than this particular one. And because of this, you better just move on. Run, do not walk. 1
MaleIntuition Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Common people? Why is the standard advice on this forum to just dump someone? Stop focusing so much on the actual disagreement that caused the argument - this is a textbook case of a thinker clashing with a feeler. Pretend you have a disagreement with your significant other and he or she tells you this: “I explained that it was a matter of convenience and I couldn't possibly imagine someone getting upset for something like that.“ Of course she will get even more upset; not because of the plate, but because OP completely neglected her feelings and asked her to explain the logic behind something that is not rooted in logic. Yes, we can all agree that it was a childish thing to start an argument over, but for all we know she is probably fairly young. OPs way of handeling the situation didn’t resolve it; it escalated it. 3
preraph Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 She's an idiot who is clearly VERY needy to dig this deep to find meaning in the relationship. I assume you are already considering breaking up. Who needs nagging over this little nothing crap. Too needy. AND too demanding, a terrible combination. 3
guest569 Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Wow hold your horses. I don't think you should break up over this. Maybe there is more to it that you don't understand. As a couple of reasonable posters suggested, there could be a deeper issue here. Communicate and find out. Any other issues? How long you been together? I think you are crazy to break up over this without talking. But it seems you're unhappy anyway and think her feelings are "silly". Maybe she was offended that you wouldn't share the plate, or frustrated that you were serving her plate when she can get her own, and bossing her about and dismissing her feelings. The way you handled that was disrespectful. Play the crazy card and run? No, compromise a little and have respect for others feelings.. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Some things need no reasoning or further in depth analysis....I can't think of any scenario where someone would consider that type of behavior to be that of a stable and confident person.. It's like using the reasoning to cross an 8 lane interstate highway on foot because it's good exercise... You want to find out the in's and out's of this, be my guest, but I wouldn't... TFY 4
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