Do I try to rework things with my ex?:

[CubaSleeve]

Hi everyone,

 

So, my story. (BTW we are both 26).

I've been with my girl (my ex now) for almost 9 months, up til yesterday when she ended. A month before (8 months of being together) she tried to end it, but I asked her if we could give it a few weeks to see if anything may change now she had opened up to me (foolish now I look back at it).

 

She accepted, and a month passed. A month where the sex almost disappeared, she showed less and less affection (I did too, to somewhat less degree - maybe it was a subconscious sign we wasn't going to last). We still had fun, fun time with her friends, family, did silly fun things to each other and eat pizza in bed with films.

 

Then yesterday came round, I think I finally realised where we were at as I questioned her about the lack of sex/her not wanting it. She said the same things she did a month a go but this time it really went onboard as I knew it was over. Yesterday she initially said she doesn't know why, but she doesn't feel like she's being real to herself if she let things continue.

She said that it's not just me when it comes to sex, she's not had an sexual urges when I've been with her or if she's been alone. She then said that she finds me attractive, but isn't attracted to me. This is where she started crying heavily (to a point which I've never seen her do before).

 

She said in the past month she's made comment that her life offers me with lots (lots of friends, very sociable family), while I don't offer that (my family is quite reserved, and the few friends I do have live out over an hour away due to me living in the middle of nowhere), and that's something she can't work with right now. When I said I can get you to meet my friends, she said that should've been happening 6 months ago. She also said that the medication she's on to help her strong eczema has made her feel unattractive and not want to be touched, but she's not sure if that's affected her decision at all.

 

Over the last month both of our lives have changed, she's got a new job starting in a few weeks where she will move to London to spend a year, then potentially 2 years in another two cities (one year for each).

I've just found myself a retail job in my village, but an opportunity has arisen in London that fits my uni degree. As well as socially, she is also financially more up the ladder than I am (hope that makes sense). She broke down later yestersay and said one of the hardest things she's going to have to do is be all alone in London when she first moves, knowing that if we were together then she could call me or text me, or have me over to stay the night to help comfort her. (Talk about a mixed signal).

 

During yesterday, she said she wants to still stay friends with me if that was okay, which I agreed with, and she wants some space but she wants me to let her know how the trial shift in London goes in a week's time (should I do this?). She said I can also continue to use her Netflix (small victory haha)

 

This breakup has already made me realise that I do need to try and increase my social life, (as I've been quite dependant on partners in the past - and this has been a major/minor reason why a few of my past relationships have ended). And to get in better shape so my confidence increases and where I feel that I'm an attractive guy again (as I think she's noticed that my confidence had decreased a little over the last few months). The best thing is that I know I need these things for myself, rather than to win her back.

 

But the question for all of this is, once I'm in a place where I'm happy with myself and where my life is going, would there be any worth in trying to reattract her? I know it will most likely never happen, and I'm prepared for that, but I'm curious to see if anyone thinks it wouldn't hurt if I did try?

 

We've both agreed that if I end up in London, then sometime we can meet for a coffee to have a catch up.

 

Thanks

Edited September 4, 2018 by CubaSleeve

[Garcon1986]

My sympathies that this is happening to you, I wish that it could have turned out better.

 

You deserve an honorable mention for trying to stick it through as long as you did. However, I would say that attempts to keep the relationship would create more emotional distress and emotional abuse. If you never experienced emotional abuse, in a way, it hurts more than being beat up, because you don't know when it will come and you don't know when it will go away. You live in fear of this horrible thing, and remember, from having seen the sickest part of the population, living in fear is in some ways worse than dying.

 

What I see is some emotional issues that she has. Unless she can demonstrate some improvement in this I wouldn't go back.

 

If you keep on going back and forth you torture the both of you, and the relationship dies something like a cancer death, slow and agonizing. Or, something like the story in Harry Potter, where one of the brothers brings his deceased lover back to life, only to have the re-animated lady feel like she doesn't belong, and experience even worse emotional suffering than she had previously.

 

There are so many others old chap. You aren't married so this is easier. Believe in the abundance mentality and wish her well on her new journey. The flowers will bloom again even though they don't look like they will. Heal as completely as you possibly can.

[ExpatInItaly]

She's FriendZoned you, man.

 

Her not being attracted to you is the essentially death knell. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, either, but she realized she just doesn't feel it on a deeper level after the honeymoon ended. And yes, she probably feels guilty for not wanting a relationship with you any longer, hence the crying. She knows she's been distancing herself from you and she knows it hurts to hear she isn't attracted.

 

She then added several more reasons why she doesn't want to continue with you, everything from her "offering you more" than you offer her (rather arrogant perspective, if you ask me) to eczema, to moving away. She has a point about moving away, to be fair.

 

I would not try to stay friends right now, nor would I try to "reattract" her. When you have to campaign for someone not to dump you after only 8 months, only to have them dump you at 9 months instead, it's best to just accept it's not going to work and move on.

[CubaSleeve]

I have already accepted that it won't work, perhaps quicker than I initially expected.

 

I now want to focus on myself, and try and be the man I've always wanted to be. When I was with her towards the last 3 months, I remember now that I became insecure some what (compared to first few months we were together), I would look for reassurance that she still loved me, liked me, and saw a future with me.

I should have took notice at the time of the signs she'd give me when I was being needy, by her joking that I should stop being so "needy" and "a tad clingy at times".

 

I would cancel plans just so I could see her, and she'd say "I don't want you doing that, if you want to make me happy, don't make me main priority all the time, it's unhealthy to solely depend on me alone". All of this that she's said is right. And now I can look back and reflect on the things I don't want to be doing, because I know that if I don't, then I'm going to make them mistakes again as I've made them mistakes before in previous relationships.

 

What I want to do is meet up with her for coffee one day when I feel I'm a happier improved person for myself, and get to know her again, no expectations, and take things from there.

[d0nnivain]

For now accept the break up & live your life. In the very distant future if you find yourself single & in London, nothing prohibits you from reaching out. She may be in another relationship by then. You can't live your life based on future "what ifs". Deal with the now & see what happens in the future when it becomes your present, not before.

[CubaSleeve]

So a quick update. I messaged my ex, it was friendly. I told her everything that I've told you guys. That when things became uncertain, I turned into this guy that was weak, insecure, and needing reassurance. That I crumbled when she needed me to assure her that things would be okay. And that I am now focusing on myself so I can be the confident MAN I once was, the MAN I normally am.

 

She first thought I was saying this to make her feel bad, but I explained that this was all my own doing, and that she didn't affect me in why I became weak. She came across friendlier after that, saying she understood.

 

I then told her that I've got to go as I'm meeting with a few new mates from work, and that I will let her know how Monday (as that was one of the first things she asked post break-up). And that one day in the distant future if space allows us, we can meet up and get a coffee.

 

Her reply was "I understand and I’m sorry if I added to your loss of confidence. I’m glad your day at work went well. Yeah please do keep me informed about Monday. Speak to you soon".

 

She didn't say anything about any future meet up, which is good because the way she's been during the break up, she comments on anything she disagrees with or doesn't like the sound of.

 

Finally I'm learning, as the insecure CubaSleeve wouldn't have ended the messaging.

Edited September 5, 2018 by CubaSleeve

[CubaSleeve]

What I want to ask everyone now, is what should I do from here? Do I follow through with that message on Monday that she wants me to send? Do I go no contact? Do I stay being friends? My friends that met her, herself, and her friends have all said that she's not the type to initiate a text conversation.

[Ddog]

Dear CubaSleeve its obvious that you like her very much so being friend isn't really a option.

 

I been in your shoes a couple of time in my life and I could said the best option for you is trying to go for the coffee meeting, but not to try to rework thing with her but to learn the real reason of the breakup. That thing take a lot of courage because it opposed you to your deepest fear of rejection.

 

Learning the real reason why she dump you will have a lasting effect on your next relationship. Mostly positive!

 

I think in your situation there are 3 option why she dumped you all three is mostly not your fault and that why it's hurt (Personnal reference).

 

1. She got tired of you and she don't see a future with you...

 

2. She already secured the next branch (New guy at work, ex comming back)

 

3. She got work to do on herself and she don't want anyways relationship (Therapy, Problem she got to solve, bad timing)

 

You could ask her if is one of the three reason here because she look like a good girl but she will lie because she don't want to hurt you!

 

My guess from the way you say it she got tired of you...

 

You think you bein needy and insecure in the last 3 month well i don't think so. I think she begun to distance herself from you and instinctively you reacted. She maybe did something (Try to remember which moment!) it was most likely the first red flag of your relationship.

 

After that the idea of dumping you just growed with time and mostly nothing you could have done to change that.

 

So if you ask her you can have the real respond it will be way easier to move on after that.

 

I got three of the same reason with three different girl I will tell you couple of story but i got complete NC with all of them after breaking up.

 

1. Girl #1 dumped me because she got tired of me but i didn't ask her at the time, meet with her 3-4 years later at a college party. I done a lot of work on myself from that time and changed a lot! Talked with her at the party just by being friendly and happy to meet her and talking about what happened in our life since then! At the end i got a text message that "Is very not my style and you know it but i want you to come over" I really didn't except that at all but i got there anyway From that time we sleeped together time by time but she always keeped a distance from me but still very friendly. Now she got a boyfriend and we pretty much good friend. When i started dating girl #3 i asked her for advice because i wanted to make it work and she said my biggest problem was : She didn't feel like i was listening to her at the time. My repond was : Well i'm not like that anymore i changed a lot since then! She said : I know that the reason why i sleep with out last time!

 

Well now it make sense! Fast forward she still with her boyfriend and we gone to a beer festival together and she said "If we would have meet each other now maybe it could have work"

 

Girl #2 : Sweet sweet girl but she got dumped from her first boyfriend, I was the kind of rebound. Lot and amazing sex dated for 6 month but she got to a exchange course that i encouraged her to go because when i traveled it really changed me for the better. When she got back a month later she said she didn't really missed me and i feeled something happened because she started to distance herself. Later i learned that the first day she came back her ex boyfriend knocked on her parent doorstep... The time she begun distancing herself from me she begun to dating back her ex... She got hold of me like a friend by that time and she told me i was not really happy but i kind of see it comming from the begginning. Later he keep cheated on her while she begun to dating him and she got tired of him and regretted her choice to go back to him. But she still keep me on a leach at the time and keep her option open so. One day i told her " Hey we need to talk" Her respond was "I know i not correct with but i didn't wanted to lose you either" And we parted away. So she know she was hurting me and was selfish to keep it that way. After that i told myself don't ever wait for a girl that keep you as a backup plan.

 

Girl #3 : Goergous woman 6 feet tall (I'm 5f7 btw) victoria secret kind of looking working in a gym, Meet up by friend she didn't wanted anykind of relationship. But i don't really remember when it started but we started to do thing together climbing and other stuff. I was not really interrest by her because i was thinking she way out of my league and she is a old girlfriend of one of my close friend. And she didn't looked interessted either at least at the beginning. And at one time i feeled she was becoming interrested and me too. We were understanding that we got a lot in common and that we connect to a another level while staying true to ourself. Begin to date after that everything was great but she begun of being Hot and Cold, Cancelling meeting and a couple of stuff. Called of at the job because she was not feeling well. Became sleepless. Begun of being aggressive over people.

She was saying me "Everything is there to work but something keep me from being with you" "I asked myself to much question" "I don't reconnize myself" "I know i was not ready to date anybody but you appeared out of nowhere" "I thinked nobody could have make me open up but you did" etc... etc...

But at the end she put a end of this because she know she was hurting me but she didn't want to lose me and she called to start therapy.

 

But I learned later she got a dark past abortion and other stuff. But i learned too that she done a netflix and chill with one of her ex-boyfriend but that she pushed him away and started crying while they begun to kiss. So i did the only thing i could do to keep my diginity and that ghosted her even if i got in love with her and we stated to be exclusive... Now all that i know is her ex-boyfriend is in another relationship and that she lost a couple of our mutual friend...

 

So in the end to try to learn the real reason why she dumped you and go NC right after.

 

#1 Well it happen but there maybe a reason she got tired of you and you could work on that for your next relationship.

 

#2 You got badluck in a kind of way but **** that girl you're not a Plan B have dignity...

 

#3 Maybe it could happen again but most likely impossible if she don't do what she have to do first and work on herself. Most of the time when a girl say this it purely bull****... Except in rare case like mine where i guess she was a Borderline Personality Disorder...

Edited September 5, 2018 by Ddog

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you been reading get-your-ex-back articles, OP?

 

I don't mean to be unkind, but I don't really understand the purpose of your call to her. Were you trying to apologize, or trying to make her want you by appearing confident and social and having plans with friends? It sounded a little contrived, if I'm being honest.

 

Being friends is just not a good idea right now. You want her, and she has now twice tried to end this. You first need to get to the point of relative indifference about her; only then will a friendship really be possible. By all means, if you told her you would let her know how Monday goes, I guess you can follow up. I just don't think you should place much importance on that, because it probably won't change anything at this point.

[CubaSleeve]

Have you been reading get-your-ex-back articles, OP?

 

I don't mean to be unkind, but I don't really understand the purpose of your call to her. Were you trying to apologize, or trying to make her want you by appearing confident and social and having plans with friends? It sounded a little contrived, if I'm being honest.

 

Hi ExpatInItaly

 

No I've not read those articles, from what I've heard, they're apparently quite sexist right, thinking the woman's going to fall so easily so quickly haha.

 

I actually generally did get asked by friends, so I wanted to spend time with them and close the conversation for now with a woman while I was busy. It may have seemed like a coincidence to her (oh, CubaSleeve is trying to act all confident now he's admitted what he did to cause the attraction to fade) but that's not my fault. Any way, the closing the conversation down and now always putting her on a pedestal is something I would do (which she admitted to finding attractive) back when me and her had started dating.

 

One day when I'm completely over break-up and I'm this guy that I want to be; a guy that's confident when he enters a room, and isn't scared to be rejected by a women or continuously worry about what she thinks. That's when I wouldn't mind reconnecting with her, as I won't be sad if she's dating someone, and I won't be jealous. I'll just be happy to know I can reconnect with a friend.

[CubaSleeve]

Hi Ddog,

 

In these circumstances, despite her ending things, which did hurt me, I trust her in why she said the relationship ended.

 

She's never been good at saying things that she knows would hurt someone, that's why I believe her when she told me it was because she no longer was attracted to me (despite her saying I was still a good looking chap), that she saw me more as a friend, and she knew that'd hurt the most before she even said it.

[CubaSleeve]

I am curious to know why she's keen to know how my London trial went, especially for someone who said herself that she's finding this all hard, wants to keep messaging to a minimum.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am curious to know why she's keen to know how my London trial went, especially for someone who said herself that she's finding this all hard, wants to keep messaging to a minimum.

 

She's doing what a lot of us girls try to do, which is be nice after dumping a guy. It helps us feel less guilty. It's not the best idea, granted - it can easily be misinterpreted as meaning something more, but it generally doesn't.

[CubaSleeve]

She's doing what a lot of us girls try to do, which is be nice after dumping a guy. It helps us feel less guilty. It's not the best idea, granted - it can easily be misinterpreted as meaning something more, but it generally doesn't.

 

Reading this made me think, what's the point. I know I should let her go and cut the contact, that it will eventually benefit me. But I've witnessed this very similar situation happen with my friends, where they acted like me and caused their partner to lose attraction, and they've turned their lives around (become the confident guy he use to be) and he's been able to win her over/reattract her.

 

And for some reason, I can't get the idea out of my head that I can do that, or at least try that when I'm more confident and happier in a few weeks/month or two.

[Ddog]

She's doing what a lot of us girls try to do, which is be nice after dumping a guy. It helps us feel less guilty. It's not the best idea, granted - it can easily be misinterpreted as meaning something more, but it generally doesn't.

 

Exactly...

[Ddog]

Reading this made me think, what's the point. I know I should let her go and cut the contact, that it will eventually benefit me. But I've witnessed this very similar situation happen with my friends, where they acted like me and caused their partner to lose attraction, and they've turned their lives around (become the confident guy he use to be) and he's been able to win her over/reattract her.

 

And for some reason, I can't get the idea out of my head that I can do that, or at least try that when I'm more confident and happier in a few weeks/month or two.

 

I think you understand where to go but you should know that your story is different from the one of your friend.

 

Most of the time when a girl dump a boy it's well prepared week or month before.

 

She begun to think about this 3-4 month ago, followed by trying to dump you, to give you a last chance of 1 month... I'm pretty sure she will not come back to her decision anytime soon even if you got your confidence back and chase her!

 

I will like to know what ExpatInItaly think about this because she a woman and mostly been in that situation!

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, I don't know of too many successful reconciliations in which the couple reunited and stayed together. And I'm talking in the years after reconciling, not just in terms of months. I can think of exactly 2 who wound up together, but one of those couples is rather unhappily married today. In the majority of cases, the couple splits again, usually because the same problems came up and they realized they really don't work as a couple. Just speaking from my own experience and those of the people around me.

 

Sure, we like confident men. But chemistry and attraction is about so much more than that. Thus, regaining confidence is not the the simple cure-all a lot of dumpees want to believe it is. Sometimes the sparks just die out after the honeymoon thrill wears off, and we realize we don't see something long-term and are not as crazy about the guy as we thought. Sometimes one person meets someone else, and realizes they're more attracted to them than to their own partner. And sometimes, we're just at a point in our lives where we don't want to commit and settle down.

 

I agree that maintaining confidence and your own life is important, but when someone wants out of a fairly short-lived relationship, it is often down to issues of greater incompatibility (love style, desires, needs, future goals) than just having some episodes of "weakness" or insecurity.

Edited September 6, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[CubaSleeve]

I agree that maintaining confidence and your own life is important, but when someone wants out of a fairly short-lived relationship, it is often down to issues of greater incompatibility (love style, desires, needs, future goals) than just having some episodes of "weakness" or insecurity.

 

I looked up love style, and from reading There are six styles of love. Which one best describes you? I'm sure she is a Pragma, and by reading the article, I too am a Pragma, well, the description goes hand in hand with what I was thinking when I was first with her. But when I knew she could move further away, and mean I couldn't see her when I wanted, I became a Mania to a certain degree. Not myself normally at all, but all the same, it happened at that moment.

 

Also, as she was a rung up above me on the career ladder (she has multiple years of experience in her field and a degree, while I only have a degree in mine - that will change if I'm successful in my trial shift in London), I can see why she's think we could not work that way.

 

In terms of not contacting her for the forseeable future, I have a dilemma which I hate, otherwise it'd be beneficial (like you've all been saying) to let her come to me if she wants something.

The dilemma is that when me and her first met, she told me she's not confident enough to approach a guy, she lets him come to her, and she's admitted she wish she would be confident enough to approach more often. Her friends and mutual friends have both said she's never the one to approach dudes, and that anxiety that she's been diagnosed with has caused to be stubborn and not try to change her mind, as she'd be worried if she changed her mind about a serious action then her friends would see her as weak/unable to stick to a decision.

 

So most likely, due to knowing her personally and the above I've just mentioned, I'll have to be the one to reach out, whatever happens. Some might say "if she really liked you then she would", but honestly, she wouldn't act first.

 

So I know I have to approach first if there's any chance, if she wants to see what happens or not then that's a different story.

 

I think the main reason for wanting to tell her about London is because she said multiple times during the break-up she wanted to know about it (and that's coming from her, a person who doesn't give hope at all - which some might say that is), and she'll know I'm in London as well as her (the nearest we'd had been living to each other), then that may play at her current feelings.

 

So with that, do you still think I shouldn't contact?

[CubaSleeve]

She just messaged me out the blue. I posted a tweet saying I was looking forward to my London trial shift next Monday. She then messaged me later saying I should think about taking it down as my current employers could see it, and it'd get me in trouble as they don't know about the trial for the other job. At least it shows she cares, I think.

[Ddog]

She just messaged me out the blue. I posted a tweet saying I was looking forward to my London trial shift next Monday. She then messaged me later saying I should think about taking it down as my current employers could see it, and it'd get me in trouble as they don't know about the trial for the other job. At least it shows she cares, I think.

 

Did you tweet it just to get her attention? If so she maybe smarther than you think buddy and saw right into your game and told you "Hey don't get into trouble she because of me" because yeah she doe care at least a little bit and she still feeling guilty.

 

For the six styles of love... Don't take this into consideration each person and each relationship is different. That just your mind playing game of trying to understand reason for the break-up. So you compare youself to article that in fact got you nowhere.

 

Yeah, maybe she got a better career than you and all. But it's not like you do nothing either... If somebody really love you they will not even cared about your career (At least if you like what you doing or trying to improve your situation if not). If that the main reason why she don't see a future with you you dogged a bullet. But i'm pretty sure this have nothing to do with it and that not you talking about your new trial that will change anything.

 

She just most likely bein nice to seeing you evolve in your life without her...

 

For her personality that she got no confidence about approaching guy, this will change nothing either. If one day she regret her decision (probably not because : Relation was too short and the spark was gone quite rapidly), she will find the confidence and will come straight to the point. If she come back and don't go straight to the point that what we call "Breadcrumb" just ignore them because they will get you nowhere. Most of the time it's for a ego boost after being rejected by a new guy or to feel less guilty.

 

Rare exception in life will not make a person try to talk about reconcillation if they regret they decision after being apart but the're most of the time because they can't by situation or poor action taked while breaking up (The one dumped is in a new relationship or something like cheating was involve). Your case is pretty simple in my point of view.

 

PS : I'm not a big fan of the situation "I regret dumping you i missed you let be back together and try to make it work!" Like ExpatInItaly said it most of the time it lead to another break-up or an unhappy relationship... The only way i think reconcillation could be succesfull is when a couple of years passed and you find each other again. Each party got the time to see what out there, grow up, changed and resolve the problem that been up in the last relationship.

 

So i still think you should just go NC and try to approach other girl! She dump you it will not be long before another dude will hit on her. So why not just hit on other girl to get your confidence back and trying to see what out there and trying to forget about her! Anyways she dumped you she know you guy have to come apart that the way it is and her decision too.

Edited September 6, 2018 by Ddog

[d0nnivain]

Because you said you would message her on Monday, be a man of your word & do that but then stop contacting her. Do not try to be her friend. Just live your life. In the future -- at least more then 6 months from now, if you are in London, then you can reach out but not before. Take some real time to get your act together.

 

She's right about the tweet but that only proves she is a good person. It does not indicate she wants to reconcile

[ExpatInItaly]

The dilemma is that when me and her first met, she told me she's not confident enough to approach a guy, she lets him come to her, and she's admitted she wish she would be confident enough to approach more often.

 

So most likely, due to knowing her personally and the above I've just mentioned, I'll have to be the one to reach out, whatever happens. Some might say "if she really liked you then she would", but honestly, she wouldn't act first.

 

So with that, do you still think I shouldn't contact?

 

Dude, she has dumped you. Twice, effectively. There is no dilemma other than the one you have cooked up in your own mind.

 

She was confident enough to let you go, so you have to stop grasping at the straws you're seeking about her not being confident enough to approach a guy. That doesn't apply when the girl has twice tried to end a relationship. You're twisting mental pretzels here.

 

Sorry, I know you're struggling but you have to stop looking to justify your urge to reach out. She knows her heart and mind better than you do, and it's clear she didn't want to continue dating you. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will begin to heal.

[CubaSleeve]

Yeah I think you're right.

 

As she still wants to know on Monday how the trial shift went, I'm going to write her a latter on Wednesday. It's not going to contain/asking anything about if she would consider. I'm going to mention that as there was no cheating or abuse, that it was both our faults that the relationship ended (but I won't say why). I'm going to briefly tell her about the job. And if it means I'm in London, I'm thinking of ending it the letter with "for now, it's best if we have space".

 

What still is stuck in my head, is when she said on Monday that when me and her are kissing, having fun, cooking dinner together, she's really happy and enjoying herself, but when I called out to her stuff about lack of sex or she's not cuddling me (TBF, my needy ass was wanting more, as we did cuddle), it makes her feel that something isn't right and she should end.

 

She then said that day that (after I said I think we could work it out still) 'maybe we should have a break for a few days with some space to see how I feel', BUT I needy ass yet again pushed her and said that we don't need that as we are good.

 

Maybe if I agreed to the space thing, something could have happened. I told my friends about this and they said I should have agreed to it.

 

That's why in the letter, now I've typed this all out and processing what I'm saying, that I won't push for her to reconsider the break (as that is needy - not the CubaSleeve she first fell in love with), but will say that 'when you offered to have a break, I should have accepted it. It might of done us some good, but I didn't want to lose you and that fear somewhat got in the way stopped me accepting it'.

 

A lot of information there I know. I'm slowly accepting it's over, and I've not cried since the night of the break up, I've been busy with my job and not been too sad when I'm at home. But (call it hope if you want - yet I'm not needy to push it to the point of asking/pleading for her back) there's a part of me that can see reconciliation at some point. Her stubbornness will expect me to message her Monday about the trial (probably expect me to give in and message her before then), but she won't be expecting my next message to be in a handwritten letter that she won't receive until 3 days after wanting me to tell her Monday how it went. She'll admire that, something which is against my needy constantly available texting self.

Edited September 8, 2018 by CubaSleeve

[d0nnivain]

DO NOT send her this letter! It's OK that you wrote it all out. You needed to process but don't send it to her. These letters are always cringeworthy. They make things worse not better.

 

On Monday send her a text: the trial went well or the trial is making me reconsider. One sentence. As few words as possible, only about the trial. Then leave her alone. Space & time will help you heal. She already knows this. There is no need to tell her this in a letter.

[CubaSleeve]

DO NOT send her this letter! It's OK that you wrote it all out. You needed to process but don't send it to her. These letters are always cringeworthy. They make things worse not better.

 

On Monday send her a text: the trial went well or the trial is making me reconsider. One sentence. As few words as possible, only about the trial. Then leave her alone. Space & time will help you heal. She already knows this. There is no need to tell her this in a letter.

 

But is it cringworthy if I'm not asking for another chance or expressing my love or affection for her. How come my friends are saying the letter is a good idea?

 

She said she lost attraction for me, which is one of the worse things to say, so I don't think she was trying to protect my feelings. And at the time say she sees me as a friend, and then to say a few days later that she isn't ready to be friends, and won't be ready for a good while, but has cried and said she definitely wants to be friends one day. She said I didn't enrich her life as much as she did me, she had all the friends, the car to drive us places, and the city to do things with, while I had no car, hardly any friends, and in a village with nothing to do. And with her saying that it was 6 months too late (when I told her in the break up that I do have friends), that is when she offered the break, rather than a break up.

 

I think she broke up and finally went through with it because she didn't know what she wanted. She wanted me because of how happy we wete as a two, but lost that attraction as she knew I didn't have the life to offer her that she wanted (enrichment - which she said is important to her), and that I gave up my life to make sure I was constantly available to her.