shydad Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Hi all, I don't have a question I need help with, just something positive to share. I read a post awhile back from a guy who wanted closure after being left hanging after a first date. Common opinion seems to be that this is standard and closure is not needed. This may be true, but I can now say it's quite possible to have closure...and it's awesome. I've now had two dates through Match.com. The first happened after seven days of messaging and texting. The date ended with positive messages, and then I was left hanging, like the guy who made the post about closure. I understood what it meant but it didn't feel right. The second date was yesterday, after seventeen days of messaging and texting. There is so much that is great about her, and I was hard pressed to find any mistakes in our interactions, there was just no chemistry in person. I messaged her afterwards to let her know what I suspected, and asked for input. Well, she did write back, and I think that's proper, and polite. There are a lot of things we like about each other, but it just didn't work, and that's nobody's fault. A message saying this seems like a great way to end things. (I don't want to gush, but all of her messages were so lengthy and thoughtful. She's a college professor who teaches communication. ) So to conclude, yes, it's possible to get "closure" after a first date, and it's the classy thing to do. Do you agree with this, or is it best to just never message again if the date doesn't work out? I'd love to hear opinions on this.
grays Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 I think it’s much better to send a message. It’s hard to do, but I’m sure would be appreciated by almost anyone in that situation. I’m gonna try harder to make that happen in the future.
Larry56 Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Hi all, I don't have a question I need help with, just something positive to share. I read a post awhile back from a guy who wanted closure after being left hanging after a first date. Common opinion seems to be that this is standard and closure is not needed. This may be true, but I can now say it's quite possible to have closure...and it's awesome. I've now had two dates through Match.com. The first happened after seven days of messaging and texting. The date ended with positive messages, and then I was left hanging, like the guy who made the post about closure. I understood what it meant but it didn't feel right. The second date was yesterday, after seventeen days of messaging and texting. There is so much that is great about her, and I was hard pressed to find any mistakes in our interactions, there was just no chemistry in person. I messaged her afterwards to let her know what I suspected, and asked for input. Well, she did write back, and I think that's proper, and polite. There are a lot of things we like about each other, but it just didn't work, and that's nobody's fault. A message saying this seems like a great way to end things. (I don't want to gush, but all of her messages were so lengthy and thoughtful. She's a college professor who teaches communication. ) So to conclude, yes, it's possible to get "closure" after a first date, and it's the classy thing to do. Do you agree with this, or is it best to just never message again if the date doesn't work out? I'd love to hear opinions on this. For better or worse the people on this forum will just tell you some blue pill truth about dating. They think the 'no-contact' method is the only method to use after any date where you didn't get a good response or their was some confusion to why that person doesn't want to date you. I think it's good to try and get an answer. But unfortunately it's mostly futile. Now women just give the same answer being usually along the lines of "I don't want to feel bad for turning down a guy" or "I'm scared of what will happen if I tell him the truth". The sad thing is most of the guys women interact with are actually nice normal guys who won't react badly but they had a few really bad experiences which programmed them to just give the blue pill answers they do to men they don't like. Which sucks but once you have the game figured out but until then it's pretty confusing...and then those nice guys start using the same tactics on women...which is why you see so many men ghosting women.
ExtraSpice Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 I think a message to let the other person know would be a good thing. Though that rarely happens. It is more difficult than no reply at all, but I think it is more courteous.
mortensorchid Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 I think it depends on the situation. I believe closure is a good thing when you get it, but there are times you look back on things / events and realize that it was closure when you didn't know it was. For example, a few years ago I was going out with this guy for about six weeks. One day I called him and he just hung up on me after talking for about two minutes. Six months later I found him on Facebook and said "Hi how are you?" and he responded with "I'm doing alright how are you?". I said how I was, then asked in an IM "Just for my personal knowledge, why did you blow me off?" I have yet to hear back from him. No closure. But that's alright because he's not worth my time or effort if he was going to treat me like that, so it's not worth having closure with him. Some things with others (dating or not) ended very badly between me and others - and in that case, I don't need closure either. I just walk away and never speak a word to them ever again. I think the best situation to have closure with is/was when Facebook happened a few years ago - people were looking up friends, family and former bfs/gfs from the past and reconnected that way. I found a few people from my past where things did not end well either on my part or theirs, and we settled those issues. That was, after all, high school stuff, and we could resolve them as adults. I talk to one person I reconnected with from my past that way, I am happy to say that we talk once every few months, and we have a second relationship as adult friends. Some I talk to once or twice a year. Others? No, but that's what closure is all about. I (and perhaps they) can move on.
pandagirl2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Hi all, I don't have a question I need help with, just something positive to share. I read a post awhile back from a guy who wanted closure after being left hanging after a first date. Common opinion seems to be that this is standard and closure is not needed. This may be true, but I can now say it's quite possible to have closure...and it's awesome. I've now had two dates through Match.com. The first happened after seven days of messaging and texting. The date ended with positive messages, and then I was left hanging, like the guy who made the post about closure. I understood what it meant but it didn't feel right. The second date was yesterday, after seventeen days of messaging and texting. There is so much that is great about her, and I was hard pressed to find any mistakes in our interactions, there was just no chemistry in person. I messaged her afterwards to let her know what I suspected, and asked for input. Well, she did write back, and I think that's proper, and polite. There are a lot of things we like about each other, but it just didn't work, and that's nobody's fault. A message saying this seems like a great way to end things. (I don't want to gush, but all of her messages were so lengthy and thoughtful. She's a college professor who teaches communication. ) So to conclude, yes, it's possible to get "closure" after a first date, and it's the classy thing to do. Do you agree with this, or is it best to just never message again if the date doesn't work out? I'd love to hear opinions on this. I believe everyone deserves respect and integrity, that is not reserved "ONLY FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP". One should be communicative and respectful always, and yes I agree it's better to send a message saying why you don't want to see them again. It's respectful, polite, and sets good vibes across the Universe, that bring the right person to you. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 (edited) is it best to just never message again if the date doesn't work out? I am old school & my age will be showing with this answer. If at the end of the 1st date you are not feeling it, I just tell the person then & there. There is no need to message later. When I was out there dating I always knew if I wanted a 2nd date or not. If I didn't at the conclusion of the meet, I would shake the person's hand & tell them I just didn't feel us clicking & this wasn't going to work out for me. I said thank you for the date, paid my half & wished them well. Other than cowardice because you can't look somebody in the face & disappoint them, I don't see the point of further dragging things out. If the person kept calling me after that I would respond once with a more pointed NO but then even I would ghost if the person wasn't listening. Edited September 4, 2018 by d0nnivain 2
Larry56 Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 The women on here saying they didn't need closure are the probably just saying that cause they didn't care much about the guy they were dealing with. Although, the fact they don't care about closure tells me they don't see anything wrong with themselves internally which why they continue to have issues with guys. They never learnt anything about themselves which is why they continue to have problems with Men. Take it from a player who actually knows what these women are about. Personally...I would rather a woman tell me what's wrong with me so I could take that information and use it to my advantage in the future.
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Personally...I would rather a woman tell me what's wrong with me so I could take that information and use it to my advantage in the future. I have never laid out specifics. I have just said something vague like we don't click or I'm not feeling it. I made is super clear that he should not waste his time or mine by calling again. I'm not about to tell somebody that I don't find him attractive, because my opinion is subjective. I also don't want some poor guy going oh well I can change. Why would you change for me after one date? I certainly don't need closure after one date. I don't understand those who say they do. There is nothing to close. It was one date. My heart wasn't all that open. I do think we need for civility & clarity. "Thanks but no" rather than ghosting. That is not closure. That is courtesy & good manners. 1
Larry56 Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Sorry to the OP for derailing this conversation. MY opinion is this; In the current dating world if you're looking to get closure after a date - As much as you want it, you're not going to get it from today's generation because they've been raised to avoid confrontation. Which is sad and pathetic. It would actually help both men and women if they just own up and tell the other person WHY they don't like the other person. It would certainly stop alot of stalking and obsession going on because people become obsessed with knowing the truth and they want to know WHY someone doesn't like them. In my experience, out of the hundreds of first dates I've had. Only maybe 5 women told me outright why they weren't interested - and YES it was all concentrated on the same thing which allowed me to finally understand a core problem I had. I was actually very happy to find out what the issue was - because it allows me to then go and focus on the women who actually a chance with so I could ignore the ones I might have an issue with in the future. Which is why I have much more success with women these days then before. Hope that helps.
Author shydad Posted September 5, 2018 Author Posted September 5, 2018 Wow, hundreds of dates... That's mind boggling to me. My first go around, I was looking for friends (not even looking to date), met two women and married one of them. I know that I fall in love very easily, and that's pretty much all it takes... To give more detail regarding the date from two days ago, she wrote often and at length, but in person said little. It felt awkward, and it seemed clear there was no chemistry, but it occurred to me, what if she is chatty in messages but otherwise a quiet person? It could be possible to mistake quietness for incompatibility. I'm usually very quiet myself. Confirmation that it just wasn't working was helpful (and happened to be said in a great way). I don't mind sharing it over PM for anyone interested. I should have felt badly, but instead, after reading the message, I felt great!
kendahke Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 The sad thing is most of the guys women interact with are actually nice normal guys who won't react badly And they are all strangers, so those women wouldn't know that. A few conversations over text or phone does nothing to bridge the familiarity gap. I choose not to experiment or dismiss people's real safety concerns based on some fictitious movie script.
Gretchen12 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 But OP in the second instance you were not left hanging because you were not into her. That's totally different. You only need closure if you were open to having a relationship with someone after dating her.
SevenCity Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 And they are all strangers, so those women wouldn't know that. A few conversations over text or phone does nothing to bridge the familiarity gap. I choose not to experiment or dismiss people's real safety concerns based on some fictitious movie script. In fairness, this is painting all men with a broad brush, akin to what women complain men do on this board (gold diggers, users, promiscuous, etc). I’m curious how many women who told a guy no and why, actually experienced a violent reaction? Personally, I don’t think many people are secure enough to know the real reason of why they were rejected. Also, a lot of reasons are subjective. I don’t need “closure” after a date. Sure I might be curious, but I get over it quickly and move onto the next women.
rightondude Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 In fairness, this is painting all men with a broad brush, akin to what women complain men do on this board (gold diggers, users, promiscuous, etc). I’m curious how many women who told a guy no and why, actually experienced a violent reaction? Personally, I don’t think many people are secure enough to know the real reason of why they were rejected. Also, a lot of reasons are subjective. I don’t need “closure” after a date. Sure I might be curious, but I get over it quickly and move onto the next women. After 1 date, and no contact, it should just be assumed she/he isn't into you. Big deal. I really only want closure in the event I've spent a decent amount of time with a woman (over 3 dates) and gotten physical with her. For a woman just to decide not to continue things further after that means _something_ changed. She was at least into me enough to see me multiple times, invite me over, get physical ... then "la poof" ... it turns into nothing but silence. I need to know what I did in those instances. But I've yet to find out, and it's now been 3 separate times. Oh well...
maxi105 Posted September 7, 2018 Posted September 7, 2018 shy dad...you've let someone know how things are and that's a good thing I reckon if its done kindly; as it means she can look for someone else, and you've shown your values. but also - as has been pointed out by some of the posters here, it isn't that much of a common thing for folks to do, or something that everyone is possibly going to bother with if they are viewing hundreds of images or going on lots of regular dates etc...but its still a nice thing to do anyway. and if its how you are and its hurting no one then keep with it. I guess the thing with o.d. is that you cant always be sure if the people you are talking with are actually real people with real situations...as im sure there are sites out there that use bots or re-generate profiles ect…to get people signing up and chatting. there is no real guarantee or reassurance on any website (or forum for that matter) that what is written and who is posting is the real deal. you just gotta trust your guts or and values in your character... and if you write and give your time to things that are not what you think or are genuine then you just gotta roll with that. but its all about choice at the end of the day. and that choice is better coming from what you think is best for your feelings on what you read, and then you (or them) can take it from there... I don't think its a conclusive either or...and on that note, i'm going to offer my closure to you! but good luck with the dating . maxi.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted September 7, 2018 Posted September 7, 2018 I think it’s much better to send a message. It’s hard to do, but I’m sure would be appreciated by almost anyone in that situation. I’m gonna try harder to make that happen in the future. I certainly appreciate when things would happen this way too. The rejections are extremely hard to send or say to another person. When I was dating, a clear rejection went over much better then a guy beating around the bush, picking my hopes up then doing something mean (ghosting, blocking etc).
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