Maybe it's actually just me that is the problem?

[tomoyo]

I've posted here a few times asking for advice on the guy I'm seeing, but I think this time I need more advice on whether it is actually just me that is the problem? I'm at the point where I am seriously starting to think that I might be the issue and maybe should be seeing a doctor about my anxiety over this.

 

I've been seeing this guy for 2.5 months now. He's treated me better than anyone else I've ever dated. He takes me on dates about twice a week (Usually one weeknight and one weekend night), it's never been a "just come and chill" thing, it's always we go for dinner, or to movies, or to the fair that came through, spend the day in the mountains, go walk around downtown or the park, recently we went to the giant sunflower maze near us that everyone has been going to. When we are out he is extremely affectionate, holding my hand, kissing my head, arms around me, ect. And he always insists on paying for everything, I have to fight for the bill every time and he rarely lets me get it. We usually do end up at his place afterwards and the sex is amazing, he has never pressured for it either and waited almost two months before I was ready for actual intercourse (I wanted to make sure it wasn't going to be a F-and-chuck). He's bought me flowers, texts me between dates to see how my day is ect, and every time I have asked him to make plans with me for something without much notice he rearages his day to accommodate me, even to the point of going to an observatory with me until 1am despite having been on the road and working from 4am-10pm. He makes comments about things down the road, jokes about what he is going to get me for my birthday, says he wants to teach me to snowboard over the winter, and has already said that he will help any way he can with my exam preparations by quizing me or bringing me ice cream and giving me massages (I am writing the CFA exam next june, so he knows how intensely i will be studying)

 

We have had a few of the important conversations, I made sure to ask if he was sleeping with anyone else beforehand, to which he said no. I also explained to him recently that got out of a bad LTR last year and didn't want to rush into anything, but also didn't want to see anyone else and wanted to make sure we were looking for the same things. He said he is looking for something long term (he's 34, i'm 28) but doesn't want to rush either, and is enjoying getting to know me and seeing where things go. I then said "I am probably going to take down my dating profile sometime soon then, because I am not looking for anyone else, how do you feel about that?" and he said "I think I feel the same way, I didn't want to be in the OLD world forever eithor".

 

So I took my bumble down a few weeks ago. I had a friend on the site check up on him though and it is still active, however, he has now changed his bio from talking about what he wants in a relationship and about his personal life to saying "look at my photography and check me out on instagram. I am on here strictly to share my photography, and possibly find fellow enthusiasts to collaborate on photography projects with and make friends" The only photos of him now are just a headshot, and a couple shots of him with his camera, and then just his instagram feed of photography. I know that as a woman seeking a man, I would see his page and think he was just advertising himself as a photographer, seeing as he has "strictly on here for...." as his only bio. I know that he is trying to grow his following as he develops his art so I kind of understood wanting to use it as easy advertising. But I worry about him being on there, especially when I know that he occasionally does do boudoir photography.

 

 

All signs here are pointing to a healthy developing relationship right? Everyone in my life keeps telling me that things seem to be going great, we see eachother a good amount of time, and we are progressing to a good place. But I just can't seem to stop putting everything under a microscope and freaking out over every little thing. I am an anxious person normally, and this is compounded by my last relationship being emotionally abusive, with someone that was constantly manipulating me and cheating on me. I'm freaked out that we haven't had the bf/gf talk, and have anxiety attacks that because we haven't he could be seeing someone else. I hate that I haven't been asked to spend the night at his place, I have been there many times, we have sex and then cuddle and watch tv for hours after, but he always takes me home at the end of the night, and I have never gotten the feeling he wants me to sleep over, even on weekend nights. I also haven't met any of his friends yet, not even one. He hasn't met any of mine eithor, but I have been waiting for him to make that move first, seeing as i have initiated the talks about the relationship he needs to make the move for something. But nothing, he sees his friends regularly but has never asked to introduce me to them.

 

In my gut, I trust him, he has given me no reason not to see him as a wonderful guy that clearly cares about me. With my ex I ALWAYS had this sick to my stomach gut feeling that something wasn't right, but with this guy I don't get that. But this doesn't stop me from fixating on all the things that haven't happened (DTR talk, meeting friends, sleeping over, ect) and having near panic attacks over them thinking it means he is dicking me around and I'm going to get hurt. I KNOW that things moving slowly like this are probably for the best, and that I really shouldn't be rushing into anything, taking things slow is probably good. but it's like I want to have my cake and eat it too, I want the security that a serious relationship will give me with all the things like labels and introductions, but also the benefits of a healthy relationship that taking things slowly will probably give me. Sometimes I just sit here and fixate on all these things that aren't happening yet and freak out and can't stop crying thinking this isn't going well and I'm going to get hurt. My chest will start to clench up and it's like I'm having a panic attack. It doesn't help that my ex was my only major relationship and we moved through all the stages of dating EXTREMELY quickly, so I just keep feeling like things with the new guy are not going good because we haven't hit those milestones as quick as the ex and I did.

 

I feel like I'm going crazy, I just want to relax and enjoy the relationship and let things develop on their own, but I just can't seem to get out of my head about it. And I don't want to tell new guy about these thoughts because I don't want to push things or come off like an insecure needy crazy person. How do I get out of my head and just be happy? I just want to turn off the crazy analyzing that runs in the background of my brain and just enjoy things in the moment like it seems everyone else i know is able to do. I dont remember feeling this way before my ex. I'm over him and that relationship, but it's like i'm broken now or something. I feel like there must be something wrong with me and i should be on meds or committed.

[Mrin]

Are you in therapy? Or have you ever been in therapy? You have described and are very aware of some serious anxiety issues. A professional would be a great place to start. Also - read up on attachment styles.