Did I start no contact too late?

[d0nnivain]

You didn't start NC too late. You started healing when you were ready to do things to facilitate your healing. It's like saying did I start dieting too late. No, but it might have been easier & you might have had less weight to lose if you started earlier but it's not too late.

 

However, if you think this will bring her back, NC doesn't work like that. It's designed to help you heal not to make somebody miss you

[CantTakeMySmile]

No, it is not too late. It is like leaving for a trip later than expected. You will still get there only later.

[Metroknox]

Update:

 

She found another way to bypass my blocks. She reached out to my brother on Snapchat saying: "hey xxxx, I know me and your brother are trying to move on and I respect it, but can you please let him know that I would really like to speak with him. Thank you"

 

I know that she was really sad when I blocked her, even though she suggested it. I think she was bluffing.

 

She sent him this about 4 days ago and I never responded. I feel that I should've but honestly I think it will be her just begging me to unblock her and be friends.

 

I've healed sooooo much these past few weeks from blocking her. Out of sight out of mind really works. I'm starting to feel like myself again, and I'm able to concentrate on my work. I feel like the raw emotions of the breakup has diminished to practically nothing. I've even considered unblocking her and having normal conversations with her like before the breakup, but I'm scared that I'm going to hear something that will hurt me and bring me back to stage one.

 

Should I just wait for her to reach out to me directly?

[Ralph79]

Update:

 

She found another way to bypass my blocks. She reached out to my brother on Snapchat saying: "hey xxxx, I know me and your brother are trying to move on and I respect it, but can you please let him know that I would really like to speak with him. Thank you"

 

I know that she was really sad when I blocked her, even though she suggested it. I think she was bluffing.

 

She sent him this about 4 days ago and I never responded. I feel that I should've but honestly I think it will be her just begging me to unblock her and be friends.

 

I've healed sooooo much these past few weeks from blocking her. Out of sight out of mind really works. I'm starting to feel like myself again, and I'm able to concentrate on my work. I feel like the raw emotions of the breakup has diminished to practically nothing. I've even considered unblocking her and having normal conversations with her like before the breakup, but I'm scared that I'm going to hear something that will hurt me and bring me back to stage one.

 

Should I just wait for her to reach out to me directly?

 

Metroknox,

 

I lived through a similar situation with my current wife while we dated. We broke up several times (although due to more severe faults than what you have shared with us). I tried blocking her in every way possible. I even had to change phone numbers. But it was always the same pattern, I broke up with her, and she kept coming back for more chances. I tried to make it clear to her that I didn't want to continue the relationship by making myself unavailable to her after each breakup. Deep down a big part of me wanted her back each and every time, however I did realize that if she continued to live her life in chaos I would be dragged into it permanently.

 

What I did, and what I recommend you do is 2 things:

 

1. Unblock her.

2. Call her and calmly (but firmly) tell her this:

"Ok, I know you are trying to contact me. Don't. I was clear that this was over. Don't you EVER approach my family to get to me again, they have nothing to do with this. Is that clear? [Wait for her to say yes]

I need time and space but IF there is a way we can work our differences out IN THE FUTURE then I will contact you. In the meantime, respect my privacy, I will not say this again. Thank you."

 

Be respectful but firm.

 

This girl has gotten her way with you because you have easily relented every time she wanted something out of you. You have to start making her earn your attention Metroknox. If you cave in so easily , the message you are sending is that she can get back to you at the snap of her fingers. Make her wait a month, or even two. If this girl really wants you that bad and she was meant for you, then she will wait and honor your request.

 

I honestly say you should end NC and stop hiding, unless you can't trust yourself to tell her these things face to face without caving. You have got to make her respect you, and you will never do this if you guys end up in bed each and every time she wants to "talk to you".

 

Even if you want her back, it has to be on your terms , or else you might be able to get back together but it'll be a matter of time until she dumps you again. Until she meets the next unattainable guy.

[Metroknox]

That sounds awesome Ralph! Do you think I should wait for her to reach out again? It's been 4 days since she's contacted my brother.

[Ralph79]

Yeah,

 

If she last tried getting in touch with you 4 days ago , then calling her telling her to quit bugging seems a little out of place.

 

She will try again, be patient.

 

FYI, Life gave me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. I was married once before and my then wife left me to rekindle her relationship with her exBF who "forgave her" for marrying me. 3 months after she left me, she was calling me every day trying to repair her marriage. At the time she left she didn't specify her reasons , but when I found out she was seeing him while staying with her parents in another city I told her we were going to divorce.

 

She pleaded and begged and said nothing happened. And all of a sudden she was overwhelmed with thoughts of making things work again. I made her sweat it out for 2 full days!! before I forgave her for most likely cheating on me.

 

Yeah, needless to say she left me again for good months later. So I learned my lesson the 2nd time around with my now wife. When I finally had enough and called it quits with my then GF (now current wife), I made her wait it out several months. She even slept outside of my door until I woke up the next day waiting to talk to me. I concentrated on my life until I was ready to make a choice and accepted her back into my life.

 

If your partners decide that you are expendable and you let them easily come back into your life without any trouble then they will just as easily leave you again. When someone wants to get back with you , it has to be on your terms.

[Metroknox]

Wow Ralph, that's quite the story. I'm glad your happy now (at least I hope). I really hope my ex reaches out again so I can finally put my foot down.

 

Thanks so much!!!

[Metroknox]

It's game over, guys . I just found out that she's going on a date with her crush. Oddly enough, I'm not too hurt about it. This news would've broke me a few weeks ago. Hopefully I'm not in denial and then it'll hit me later.

 

I'm starting to think that this was more of an ego thing for me than heartbreak.

 

A few months before the break up, I was seriously considering breaking up with her, but never did it. I always had this thought in my head that there was a better woman out there for me. My ex and I got along great (we rarely ever argued), but there were certain things about us that just didn't click.

 

One day my ex and I even talked about it, and I even mentioned to her how I pictured myself with someone else in the future. I'm surprised we didn't break up that day.

 

I think it's the fact that as a guy, dating is a lot more difficult than for women. Guys actually have to put themselves out there, and possibly face rejection.

 

I was and still am scared to start dating again when I had someone that I was okay and comfortable with.

[KatCha]

It isn't rude if the other person is rude to you or you don't trust them or you feel like they are doing something to you on purpose or are with holding their true intentions or anything else for that matter. You have to wise up about who is really trying for you and who isn't out there, and it is tough to figure out sometimes. I hate losing a friend or more, but sometimes, you have to look out for your own self because some people could care less about being true to you. Good luck with it all. I am sorry you are hurting over this.

[d0nnivain]

The pattern of your relationship is that you break up then you get back together. She is expecting that pattern to continue here so she's reaching out through various channels including your brother's snap chat. You have finally (I hope) figured out that this break up make up cycle is dysfunctional & yet another manifestation that your relationship just hasn't been working. You admit that you thought about breaking up with her before she pulled the trigger & broke up with you. You admit that you have felt better about things since blocking her.

 

Frankly you are not emotionally strong enough to stay in contact with her right now. When she begs, pleads, sends playful e-mails etc. you get your hopes up. You think this time it will be the relationship you romanticize & want. You conveniently forget that it is actually a connection that doesn't work. Then you get back together for a while but all those things that ripped you apart before are still there & still making the relationship untenable but it's what you know so you stick with in under some foolish idea that having a bad relationship is still better then being alone

 

At some point -- hopefully through NC -- you will realize just how much this wasn't working. Then you will be finally be free. You are closer to that then you know but you will go sliding right back to the mess that wasn't working if you keep reading & responding to her.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's game over, guys . I just found out that she's going on a date with her crush.

 

Honestly, it's probably a good thing you found out.

 

This ridiculous back-and-forth and blocking-unblocking, catch-me-if-you-can game you two had going on is what highschool kids do. Not two adults in their 20s.

 

It's time to accept that you were no longer together for the right reasons, and let her go for good.

[Metroknox]

Thanks everyone. I have felt generally better these past few weeks, however this news has given somewhat of a setback. There's just a few things I need to get over:

 

1. The thought of her being intimate with another guy hurts, especially considering that she was a virgin before meeting me. Will this get easier with time?

 

2. I can't get over the thought that I will never love someone the way I loved her and vice versa.

 

3. I still think she's a great person, probably not a good romantic partner, but I'm going to miss her. Is it wise to keep as a friend? Or will this just cause more pain?

 

I feel that all of this is hard because it's my fist true relationship. They say the first heartbreak is always the hardest.

 

I don't understand how she can just 3 years away, with proposal just a mere months away.

[d0nnivain]

The idea of your partner being with somebody else should diminish over time. However if you are hung up on her virginity & expected you were the only man she would ever know, that might stay with you for a while longer.

 

You will live to love again & the love you feel for your spouse will be greater than you can imagine.

 

Her being a good person shows you chose quality people as partners even if their compatibility with you isn't perfect. I am civil with all of my long term EXs. If I bump into them we can chat for a few minutes, catch up, how's the family that sort of thing. Several reached out when my parents died. So you can be "Somebody you used to know" but true friendship -- routinely interacting is not possible in the short term. Neither of you need a front row seat to the others new love life nor will your respective new partners want the EXs around.

[Metroknox]

Thanks d0nnivain,

 

How long were your long term relationships, and how long did it take you to fully heal?

[ExpatInItaly]

1. The thought of her being intimate with another guy hurts, especially considering that she was a virgin before meeting me. Will this get easier with time?

Yes, it will. With time and space away from her, this won't be at the forefront of your mind so much, and it will eventually not matter anymore as your emotional attachment to her disappears.

 

2. I can't get over the thought that I will never love someone the way I loved her and vice versa.

This is your inexperience speaking. You said you have never really had a relationship before, so it's natural to panic a bit at the thought of nothing ever measuring up. But that's rarely the case. If that were true, there would be an awful lot more first loves staying together or reuniting. The reality is that the first is usually important in many ways, but it's often more like training wheels for the greater and more serious relationships ahead.

 

3. I still think she's a great person, probably not a good romantic partner, but I'm going to miss her. Is it wise to keep as a friend? Or will this just cause more pain?

It will cause more pain. You need to wait until you reach the point of relative indifference about her (including her dating other guys or starting a new relationship) before a genuine friendship could realistically be established.

[Metroknox]

Thanks for the answers. It's very comforting. I've heard that one doesn't truly get over a relationship until they start a new one. Is this true?

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for the answers. It's very comforting. I've heard that one doesn't truly get over a relationship until they start a new one. Is this true?

 

Not necessarily, no.

 

I have broken up with a boyfriend and was ready to date soon after. Why? Because the break-up was long overdue and I was emotionally already detached.

 

I also once took a longer break after a longer relationship ended, to just enjoy being single for a while. I didn't want my ex back. I simply wanted time on my own to figure out where I was going next and learn to live on my own again. I was over him before I entered the relationship after that.

[Ralph79]

1. The thought of her being intimate with another guy hurts, especially considering that she was a virgin before meeting me. Will this get easier with time?

I bet you she feels the same way about you. But what can you guys do about it? Would you be willing to avoid getting intimate with girls in the future just for the sake of not hurting your Ex's feelings in case you ever get back together? . Of course not. Sex is part of human nature. And based on probability you BOTH will find partners in the future that will be both better and worse in bed. Take solace in the fact that you were her first and that you both learned a lot from each other.

 

2. I can't get over the thought that I will never love someone the way I loved her and vice versa.

You will never love ANYONE with that same innocence you loved this one. There's a certain allure to first loves . It's harder and harder to see relationships through rose-tinted glasses after each breakup, but you come out wiser most of the time. Over time it is my opinion that after enough heartbreak from breakups you learn to love the person you choose and not the idea of the relationship "that could be" (so to speak).

 

3. I still think she's a great person, probably not a good romantic partner, but I'm going to miss her. Is it wise to keep as a friend? Or will this just cause more pain?

Staying friends is a bad idea at the moment. Seeing her with other guys will not be easy for you right now. Don't risk potential future partners by keeping her in the picture.

 

I feel that all of this is hard because it's my fist true relationship. They say the first heartbreak is always the hardest.

 

I don't understand how she can just 3 years away, with proposal just a mere months away.

 

I will leave you with this link from Richard Pryor. I think it's something that you can relate to right now. Hope it helps. Cheers.

 

 

Pay special attention to the bit after 2:15

 

Cheers!

[Metroknox]

Ugh guys. I'm having so many regrets. That believe that night we hooked up was my gateway to get her back, but I was such an emotional mess that messed it up by bringing up the relationship instead of just going with the flow.

 

The day after we hooked up, she was sending me emails about how her day was going, like if the breakup never happened. I was still too hurt that I was too guarded to have a regular conversation with her so I ignored her.

 

I remember about 1 year ago something similar happened with me and her, but at the time I played it cool, didn't pressure her for anything, and we ended up back together.

 

 

What did I do??!?!!! I'm so stupid. I feel like I've become so emotionally weak. I could've handled that situation so much better and we would probably be together now.

 

Should i call her?

Edited September 8, 2018 by Metroknox

[Metroknox]

Nevermind guys. I was just having a low moment lol. Im feeling better now. It's best to just let this go, she's obviously not thinking about me.

 

I forgot to tell you guys this but: about 3 weeks ago, she straight up told me to my face that she had feelings for another guy. I don't think a relationship is repairable after that. I gotta have some self respect and move on.

Edited September 9, 2018 by Metroknox

[Metroknox]

Guys, I feel like crap. Does this truly ever go away? I feel like I'm dying. I can't even concentrate at work. I feel like I'm always on the verge of tears. I have this constant anxiety and depression over me, and I have her on my mind 24/7. I know that at times I do feel good, but damn, these low moments are brutal. Is this normal?

 

I don't know what to do anymore

 

I think I feel this way because I emailed her last night, and she hasn't responded yet. I knew immediately went I sent that email that it was a bad idea. I was doing so good! Another set back .

Edited September 11, 2018 by Metroknox

[Ralph79]

Guys, I feel like crap. Does this truly ever go away? I feel like I'm dying. I can't even concentrate at work. I feel like I'm always on the verge of tears. I have this constant anxiety and depression over me, and I have her on my mind 24/7. I know that at times I do feel good, but damn, these low moments are brutal. Is this normal?

 

I don't know what to do anymore

 

I think I feel this way because I emailed her last night, and she hasn't responded yet. I knew immediately went I sent that email that it was a bad idea. I was doing so good! Another set back .

 

It's perfectly normal Metroknox.

 

Yes emailing her was a mistake. Yes it will set you back. But honestly, you hadn't hit rock bottom yet. Until you do, the healing process can't start. As long as a part of you STILL needs the attention of a Woman who told you to your face that she wants to be with someone else:

 

I forgot to tell you guys this but: about 3 weeks ago, she straight up told me to my face that she had feelings for another guy. I don't think a relationship is repairable after that. I gotta have some self respect and move on.

 

The reason posters tell you to move on, is because they know firsthand that losing your respect and dignity is a feeling 100x worse than being dumped. But you can't know that until you actually experience it for yourself, and you are getting a glimpse of that right now after sending that email.

 

Do what you must to convince yourself that your relationship with this woman is irreparable. I would advise against it, but I can't judge you for ignoring sound advice because I've been in your shoes before.

 

Stop empowering this girl. This girl will keep seeking you whenever she has trouble with her new relationship. You went from being her Plan A, to being Plan B. And you are going to stay Plan B until you stop ceding control to her.

 

Look at what you just typed. Look at yourself, your life, your current situation. You have allowed her to derail your day to day life. At least if she were in love with you and trying to fix the relationship then I could tell you to risk this insanity you are going through. But to feel the way you feel ... over a girl who is clearly using you just to restore her self esteem , while she works out issues with the guy she has feelings for ? ... You should want more for yourself.

 

I didn't know she had confessed that she had feelings for someone else. After reading that, I'd say good riddance dude. You are WAY more valuable than what she makes you feel.

 

Use the NC thread on these forums if you need to vent your frustrations. Stop empowering her , and you will start feeling better. It's not about her. It's about you.

[ThreeRainbows]

Hey,

 

 

Do you love your ex? You absolutely can get her back. The fact that she sends you so much breadcrumbs and stuff says she is interested.

 

 

Right now, you are both having trust issues. You're afraid of her hurting you again. The answer to this is to set some boundaries, but interact with her. You need to stop sleeping with her when you see her. Don't "jump" back in. Take it very slow. But, interact with her (on her initiation). You have nothing to lose at this point.

 

 

Understand that she is also struggling with trust and conflicted emotions that have more to do with her psychology than you. She is not a bad person for breaking up with you. She is a human. There is no lack of self-respect for seeing if this relationship can be repaired. But, you want to give her low contact (not no contact). She needs space and to feel respected, but if she texts you, respond with short, but polite, and to-the-point texts. Try not to reach out to her much for the next few weeks.

 

 

You have a huge advantage over the other guy because you two have history and a stronger connection. But, you have to "let her go" if she wants to pursue something with him, but don't stop interacting with her. Work on your emotional connection (build her trust back), stop reacting, keep the interactions positive and understanding, and you can win her back from the rebound. But, most importantly, you have to get over the fact that she's potentially seeing another guy. Isn't she worth more than the damaged pride? Trust me, I'd rather love a person than be alone with my huge egoic pride at the end of the day. What's in the past is in the past, and the future hasn't been written yet. Let all the negative emotions go.

 

When you interact with her, keep it fun, light, and easygoing for the first few meetups (when she's ready to meet up). Stop asking her to reconcile. Just be. In time, she will bring up the relationship, and then you bring up reconciliation. But, before you do that, you have to show her that you're fun to be around, and WORTH it. Make her remember how awesome you always were, but even more so now that you're an even better version of yourself. Show, don't tell. Don't try to make her jealous, but if after a few weeks of solid hang-outs where there is NO sex, and fun times, and you bring up reconciliation she's still on the fence, that is when you gently suggest that you're going to have to walk away. After all, you're not a "friend," your accepting friendship as an avenue to see if you guys can be compatible.

 

 

 

One last thing, you need to do some internal work. You need to work on becoming more secure. You also need to work on becoming aware of your emotions, and reactions taken because of them. And, you need to read a book or two on communication.

 

 

"Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PH.D. is the one you want. I cannot .. I cannot recommend this enough.

 

 

 

There are two ways of looking at this. You can give this girl up forever, in the name of "self-respect" (I call it egoic pride). Or... you can repair something that got damaged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

BTW, I am giving this advice from experience. I recently reconciled with my ex boyfriend who dumped me 3 months ago. Turns out he missed me terribly during that time, and I suspect your ex misses you, too.

Edited September 12, 2018 by ThreeRainbows

[ThreeRainbows]

https://exboyfriendinsight.com/how-to-get-your-ex-back-from-a-rebound-relationship/

 

 

and

 

 

 

 

 

https://exboyfriendinsight.com/what-it-really-takes-to-get-ex-boyfriend-back/

 

 

 

 

are essential reads, and sum it all up beautifully. GOOD LUCK.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you love your ex? You absolutely can get her back. The fact that she sends you so much breadcrumbs and stuff says she is interested.

 

This is simply not always true. Nor should it be, given that some relationships are truly broken and unhealthy. Breadcrumbs are not always an indication of genuine interest, either. They can also indicate the dumper is bored, lonely, looking for some attention - but not a sincere desire to reconcile and work on the problems that broke the relationship down to begin with. I believe that ultimately is the case here.

Edited September 12, 2018 by ExpatInItaly