Feeling Quite Left Out

[Kenay2009]

There's friend A who I have been close friends with since we were teens in high school, so a good 15 years or so now and then there's friend B who I have been friends with for about 7 years now. Friend A has always been in my inner circle. We have a lot of the same friends and she has always just been around through the good and the bad in my life. She is very similar to me personality wise so I think that is why our friendship has lasted as it has. Friend B is/was a good friend but really has no lifelong friends of her own or her own inner circle. She has difficulty making friends for one reason or another and this is something she confided in me about many years back.

 

Years ago, I introduced friend A to friend B. At first, friend B really didn't know what to make of friend A because friend A can be hard to read. This was maybe 5-6 years ago. They had seen each other throughout the years at parties I threw or get-togethers or whatnot, but it was never more than just small talk. I have a very close circle of friends so I would always invite friend B to anything my close friends and I did because I knew friend B really had no friends of her own. Friend A is a hairdresser so eventually, friend B started getting her hair done by friend A. Of course, this was cool. I was happy that friend A and B got to spend some time together even if it was just while friend A was doing her hair. Eventually, friend B started getting a wee bit closer to friend A, inviting her to outings while excluding me. Yes, this stung a little bit but I was busy with things going on in my own life so I didn't really focus too much on it, but now I am kind of left a bit upset and I will explain why. And please understand that I do recognize that this can be seen as immature, but my feelings are tremendously hurt and I really am not sure which way to go about things.

 

Friend B (the one who really doesn't have close friends of her own) has tried with all her might to steal all my close girlfriends away from me throughout the years. This has been going on for years with various girlfriends of mine that I have been close with since I was a kid. However, every single one of my close friends has not fallen for the BS besides friend A. Now it seems that friend A and B spend a lot of time together. They do not invite me to any of their outings or events. Instead, they will wait until the whole group of us are together and then they will throw little hints into conversations about how much fun they have together. I know friend A does not do this on purpose to hurt me, but I also know friend B is doing it on purpose. For instance, friend B always used to tell me "I love you" when we'd get together. Now, she does not say this to me anymore. Instead, she says it to friend A right in front of me. She knows it hurts me so I am not sure why she does this. And before you read further, know that friend B is notorious for "friend poaching". I am not the first one who has noticed this. Her own brother and sister-in-law have told me that she has done this to them on several occasions. In fact, they feel as if she poached me from them lol. Many people I have met throughout the years have told me that she is an opportunist and intentionally tries to steal friends from others because she cannot make any friends of her own. And thinking back on it, anyone that I have ever met over the years through Friend B was somehow friends she had stolen from an ex-friend of hers. It seems she doesn't keep friends for a long time. She meets someone and is besties with them for a year, meets their friends and then ditches the original friend for one of their friends. At the time though, I just never really looked much into it because I thought friend B was a great person and just the type of chick who had issues developing and keeping friendships, but now I am starting to see it for myself.

 

I started to see the signs years back but I never made too much of it. Anyone she would meet that I introduced her to, she'd immediately add on social media. I literally mean immediately. Then she would start inviting them to her birthday parties or events when she literally just met them 24 hours prior. It is also quite creepy tbh and people have commented to me about it saying that it was nice that she is so friendly but that they found it odd how quickly she would try to hang out with them or how quickly she would invite them here and there after just meeting them. It is all very desperate looking, imo.

 

Needless to say, I am very hurt. I feel like friend B has been using me to get closer to my lifelong friends and I feel like crap because I am the one who introduced her to all these people. Now that she is besties with friend A, I am feeling very left out. Friend B pushed me aside and now never wants to really do anything with me because she is doing everything with friend A. However, friend A still does try to connect and we still have our own friendship. Friend B was socially inept for the most part and never threw any parties or hosted any events until she started trying to weasel her way into my inner circle and now friend B's birthday parties are full of ALL OF MY FRIENDS. I honestly feel as if she is trying to take my place in my circle of friends. It sucks to feel this way and I know I should brush it off because we are in our 30's and this is grade school type of stuff.

 

Now I am at the point where I am wanting to distance myself from this woman. I feel like she intentionally is trying to sabotage my friendships and she is trying to be me. I do not mean that in an egotistical manner, but she tries way too hard to involve herself in everything I do socially. I will plan a get-together or an outing and if she knows my close friends are going, she will invite herself when I personally prefer her not to be there because I do want to spend some time with my lifelong friends without her for once. She is constantly trying to make plans with my girlfriends and is not including me in those plans. Of course, most of them tell me about this sneaky stuff though. Once she even tried to invite my parents and my sibling out without inviting me.

 

How do I handle this situation? I really do not want to bring this up to her because she pretends she is some sweet and sensitive soul and will probably somehow flip the situation around on me to make me look like a nutbag. Do I just gradually distance myself from her? Do I suck it up and prepare for the backlash and straight up tell her that I am onto her? This is not anything new, but it recently has really started to get to me. I know I am not crazy because people have expressed the same concerns to me about her throughout the years. It seems she is a serial friend poacher and never really learned friend or social etiquette. She also absolutely cannot stand it when someone is not jumping at the opportunity to become friends with her. I have one friend who is cordial with her but doesn't fall for this friend stealing shenanigans and friend B absolutely hates the girl for it.

 

I am not sure if it is insecurity or what the deal is, but it is not something I need in my life anymore.

[preraph]

You should distance yourself from her. For one thing, if she poaches friends, think how she'll go after your love interests! Who needs it?

[Whodatdog]

The friends that she is "poaching" cant be much of a friend to you if they dont stay friends with you.

[shydad]

I agree with preraph. Yes, distance yourself from friend B, and just generally speaking, anyone or anything which impacts you negatively. Personally, I would still make efforts to be involved with friend A, and all of your other friends, assuming you see value in those relationships.

[Zapbasket]

From what you describe, Friend B is the very epitome of the "toxic friend." You MUST distance yourself from her, but be prepared that it will jostle or outright wreak havoc on your circle of close friends, because you brought Friend B into that circle. It might really hurt in the short term as you discover who your true true friends are, but you will be far better off in the long term with Friend B far from your life in any way.

 

As for your other friends, maybe tell the ones who have been true to you so far that you plan to distance yourself from Friend B, and that they're welcome to continue a friendship with her if they choose, but that you will have to bow out of social gatherings where she is present.

 

As for Friend B herself, just continue being chipper and friendly, but refuse her invitations. No doubt she has been through this exact scenario before and will read what's really going on without you saying a thing. Just keep firmly pulling away; eventually she'll move on to another "supply." This is clearly her pattern to date.

 

Lastly: don't be surprised if Friend B sets off on a vicious campaign to turn your other friends against you. That's why you should tell the true ones your intentions before you start acting on them.

 

Good luck.