Dilemma with a break/breakup situation.

[Dudebro420]

About two and a half months ago I met this chick online and I was rather intrigued by her, but I didn't contact her hoping it would pass. Some time afterwards I've made a cheeky comment at an inappropriate time and decided to apologize and chat to her about her issues that were plaguing her at the time, which involved some family issues, her constant nightmares, and her problem with alcohol since she was drinking every day at that particular time.

 

Over the next couple of weeks I would ask how she was doing every few days, she wouldn't say much and the conversation would come to a grinding halt. A few days after that I mustered the courage and asked her if she had a crush and she was curious as to why I played it as I was asking for advice about another situation. I played it off a stupid crush and she asked why I thought that and I presented my case, she then told me that it's nice to have a crush sometimes. I said that it's a stupid crush and she asked why and I told her because it's an online thing. She acknowledged that those can be tricky and the she had one once. She said that they might work with the right people but it's mostly asking to get hurt, so I asked her how long hers lasted and the answer was 3 months, I didn't really pry any further so we switched to some casual talk.

 

The next morning I hit her up asking her if she had any nightmares, she told me the tragic story about a friend who died due to heart problems a couple of years back and her nightmares make her relive that period of time, that ever since he passed she has nightmares almost every day, and she seemed annoyed that she couldn't "get over it". She expressed that she isn't optimistic, that her life is sad and that she lost hope a long time ago. That evening she went out and when she came back we resumed chatting, and as it proceeded she explained how she has headaches on a constant basis, almost all day and every day due to a cyst in her head. That itself lead to her claiming that she's acts and doesn't like people around, saying that she was full of contradictions craving something but doing her best to avoid it at the same time. I tried to cheer her up by saying that sometimes she has to take a risk but she didn't want to experience anymore letdowns and that she feels like she's at her limits. The conversation led us back to the friend mentioned previously and she she thinks it's her first love and why she can't get over it and how she had a couple of crushes and 2 boyfriends ever since he passed and that nothing felt real and that it all seemed fake. She got further into elaborating her past two relationships and how they were toxic, how they wished she was something she really wasn't. She expressed her wish to be accepted as who she was and that she is aware of how ****ed up she was, and I agreed since and told her that she might not need another controlling person so close to her since her mother is very controlling already. She expressed her appreciation that I stuck around for "so long" and that people usually can't take her problems and don't really check on her. She then asked me about my past and details because she felt bad that she was always "complaining" (I honestly don't mind) and I opened up some of my not so pleasant pas things during that conversation thread.

 

We continued talking casually again, sharing stories and experiences, she telling me how her online boyfriend didn't like her edgy humor and tried to change it, how he was a good friend but a terrible boyfriend and that they tried talking again but then end up annoyed and arguing with each other. She said she didn't feel like herself in that relationship and she didn't understand who he liked if he didn't like her for herself. They knew each other for about a year before hooking up and I told her that he should have known what he was getting into. She felt bad for him after she broke up with him and "freed" him (her quotations) and that it made he appear to be the bad party in that case for breaking his heart. He would tell her every day how she hurt him and that being with her was torture and that he got upset when she broke up while he seemed to ignore her feelings. She acknowledged that she's not that good of a person (not claiming that myself) a pain to deal with and that their personalities were clashing too much and that she couldn't take that on top of everything else that was going on in her life. I reassured her that she isn't that much of a terrible person and that it's not supposed to be easy and he should have known that. She expressed her need for a good laugh and support and not constant fighting. Then we continued chatting casually.

 

The next day we would chat again and I'd ask her if she was up for voice chatting and she agreed. It was mostly good banter with some flirting to which she would fluster which I found cute and that she was a bit embarrassed because she was blushing so much during our conversation. The next day we did the same and we had a good time, she explained to me that she was very shy and that she didn't know how to respond to my compliments and flirting, and I told her that I don't expect anything in return and there's no need to be uncomfortable. After we ended the call we listened to some of her music and chatted. That lead us to her second relationship, which she felt she was forced to only talk to him and that he was controlling her too much. He would be rather mean spirited towards her beyond edgy humor and since he knew her for about 4 years he knew her weak points. She claimed that after she broke up with him she lost a lot of friends and that almost all of their common friends picked his side.

 

As we were over with that topic she asked how my love life was, and how my crush was doing. I told her how I felt like I was in free fall mode and that I didn't really know what to do. I told her how I planned to distance myself from the crush but that I enjoy the company and that there was a lot of uncertainty. She used a saying to kind tell me that I should chance it, that I might regret it if I don't do it and it might turn out to be the best thing ever. I expressed my worry that she might be weirded out by it, distance herself, have a negative opinion about me and depraving me of something I enjoy. She made the point that the option would be the same as me cutting contact as I planned anyway, so not like there was anything to lose. We kept the topic up but a bit lighter, and the I finally mustered enough courage to admit that my crush was on her. She said she knew ever since I asked her if she had a crush and that she lowkey had a crush on me and wanted to see where it goes hence why she pushed it in that direction and that it was obvious from the beginning.

 

We chatted and hung out in the next few days, she would tell me about her issues with friends and how she sometimes pushes them away when she has "mental booms" as she referred to them and how someone close turned very resentful towards her after a rejection, telling her how much better his life is without her and at times how he wished she died. She went on vacation, we chatted here and there as well as she came back at went smoothly. I would listen to her problems try to console her offer some support.

 

A couple of days after she returned she felt rather distant to me and I decided to give it some patience, but it kept going on. My playful flirting and affectionate approaches were brushed off and almost every attempt at comforting her were met with indifference. Over the few days it made me a bit anxious not knowing what was going on so I asked her if anything was wrong and she said that she had an depression episode and that if she felt distant or not like herself that it will pass. Knowing what was going on gave me solid ground again, I felt comfortable again and decided to give her some time and space. She eventually get out of it and we hung out every few days and chatted in the meanwhile.

 

More than a week after her episode I asked her out during on of your hangout times and she said yes. After the call ended I apologized for some intimate questions I asked, and she said I should worry about it and that I can ask her whatever I want. I told her that I don't know her for that long and just want to be careful and she said that we should take it slow, really slow. She said she really liked me and didn't want to **** anything up, that she's bad at relationships and that stuff and that she has to learn. I reassured her that there's not much she can do to **** it up. I told her that I accept her as who she is and asked about her worries, she said it was just anxiety in general. I reminded her that she if anything was bothering her and she said that it bothers her a bit that I'm so nice to her and that she can't really give anything back because she's shy. I reassured her again that I don't expect or demand anything back and that I'm content as it is. She said it has been an issue in her previous relationship, how she's bad at communicating and how they were annoyed that she didn't give much back or it didn't feel like she cared about them. We continued chatting, exchanged our real names since I asked her out.

 

After a few days I asked her if she wanted to hang out again but she said she was playing some games with her real life friends and apologized, I didn't mind so I went about my days. As the time passed she once again seemed a bit distant, since she told me she was going to a party on Friday and I didn't want to ruin her mood I left it for Saturday. On the following day I asked her if anything was wrong since she seemed distant recently but she said she doesn't know herself. I reminded her that she can tell me if there's anything on her mind and she just replied with "Yea". I asked if she wanted to hang out that evening, she said if they don't plan on playing a game in the evening. They didn't but instead decided to go out and drink again, so I went about my day again.

 

On Sunday night I received a message saying that she's sorry she didn't have time for me recently and that she wanted to hang out with a group of non-toxic real life friends and she's trying hard to get in with them, and she kinda wants to prioritize real life over online. I asked if anything was on her mind to which she just said "I don't there is".

 

I decided to message her that I don't demand all her time, not even a fraction of her time, but that she felt rather cold recently. She said that some of her online friends said so as well, and when she's hanging out with online friend her real life friends have that feeling. She said she really likes me but that an online relationship is good for her, and that it hurts. I asked her to elaborate, and she said that she'd rather be alone or hang out with random people in real life and not think too much than have to imagine stuff and wish I was there. She said she has been through that last year and it really ****ed up her mental health at exactly this time of year and that her classes are really hard and that she thinks she can't handle it all at once. I told her I could visit since it's not that far away and plane tickets are relatively cheap for me. She said she doesn't want to mess up the early months because of an online relationship and it's going to hurt waiting from meeting to meeting. She said she wants to keep me around but that she isn't ready to commit to a relationship yet, and that she broke up with her second boyfriend relatively recently and that there's too much happening now. She told me that her parents keep limiting her PC and phone usage when summer vacation ends. I told her that I understand and that I don't mind, that it was just the uncertainty that was nagging at me. She said that she feels this thing between us feels too fast and that she could get into a relationship when she settles with her education and that now she has to focus on other stuff. I suggested that we put it a gear back and that if she develops a crush or relationship to tell me so I know where I'm at. She apologized at the end and told me she know she's ****ed up. I told her there was nothing to fuss about and that it takes two to tango, and reminded her that I'll be there for her no matter how it works out in the end.

 

I'm currently somewhat conflicted as of how to handle the whole thing, whether I should wait or move on, or whether she's sincere or not, most of my close friends tell me I'm naive to think that.

 

I don't really expect much to come out of it but I'd like to be hopeful since I enjoy her company and I worry that she went back to heavy drinking even if it's social.

 

Apologies for the long text, I just wanted to put out as much relevant, or at least for me relevant, information as possible.

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, you made a mistake emotionally investing in someone you have never met, who's not even close enough to drive to. It's just not wise to do this, man.

 

She is actually doing a very healthy thing by living more of her life offline and developing her friendships outside the internet. The fact that her parents want to limit her phone/PC usage tells me two things: 1) she is still quite young, and 2) they see she's living too much in a fantasy world online and not developing the proper social skills to function outside of that.

 

As for her heavy drinking, let her parents handle it. I know you are concerned but there is zero you can do. She evidently has family around her who are keeping an eye on her, so they will take care of it if they see her getting into trouble.

 

You need to let this one go. She's telling you in many different ways that she doesn't see you as more than an online buddy and she isn't interested in trying to take it further. It would be best for you to really step away from this, so you don't become more attached and waste more time trying to pursue something that isn't going to materialize. Try to meet local girls with whom you can have a real relationship.

[d0nnivain]

She has told you that she wants to prioritize real life over online. You should do the same.