Should I end this before he does?

[d0nnivain]

How can you be in a "good phase" with #1 if he still lives with his EX? Are you sure they are really EXs? Could you be the OW because he's lying to you? I would not be happy about his living situation at all.

[LauraXX]

How can you be in a "good phase" with #1 if he still lives with his EX? Are you sure they are really EXs? Could you be the OW because he's lying to you? I would not be happy about his living situation at all.

 

 

Well, I didn't use a lie detector on him but I don't have any reason not to believe him. And there are hints of course. Posts on social media (from both of them), the amount of time he spends at my place, the way he speaks about her and the whole living situation. I mean, it's been six months since we started dating. I think I know him quite well by now. But there's no guarantee of course (my sister just found out that her boyfriend of 5 years cheated on her with his secretary).

 

 

 

Not happy about this living situation either, but who am I to judge. My ex still partially lived at my place for two years after our breakup. We had our reasons...

[40somethingGuy]

Thank you all for your replies. Yes, I did make false assumptions about the exclusivity (there were hints though...he made some comments).

 

 

 

Short feedback on the whole thing: I decided to wait until he's back and then basically tell him what I told you. In the meantime I was planning on not ignoring his texts, but keeping communication to a minimum. That must have triggered something, because he sent me about 10 text messages and tons of pictures since I last posted here (I didn't reply in between because I was actually busy). He also told me that he misses me and asked me if I wanted to meet as soon as he's back. Well.... I take that with a grain of salt. He probably didn't manage to find a Tinder date there and it must have bugged him that I took my time to reply to his messages. So yes, I know that this doesn't change the big picture. Makes me feel a bit better for the moment though and I'm still planning on having the talk with him as soon as he's back.

 

Gee, you have feelings for him and yet you have not talked about where you 2 are in your relationship? Why dump when you like him? Maybe tell him you saw he is sick of living in XYZ and find out what his plans are. Find out if he has a place for you in his life or is he bent on moving on. I saw nothing that indicates that he should just be discarded so easily. Maybe he is planning to move because he doesn't realize how you feel about him. TALK and just put the lay of the land out there and see his thoughts and reaction. You will know then. You want to dump based on assumptions and minimal communication. I think you are setting yourself up for regret.

[LauraXX]

Ok, so there are new developments. I'm not seeing #2 anymore. I told him that there’s somebody else and – as I had already assumed – it wasn’t that big of a deal for him.

 

There’s also a new development with #1. His ex finally moved out and he invited me to spend the weekend at his place instead of mine. Of course, I did and it was the weirdest (and nicest) weekend ever. Just pulling into the driveway (with the neighbours watching me from their windows) felt so strange. I somehow had the feeling that I was intruding and had no right to be there.

 

It was nice to see where and how he lives though. We went to his favourite restaurant, said hello to some neighbours when we took the dogs for a walk. And we had a LONG talk about his failed marriage, why it didn’t work out, how he felt about the whole situation now, how she is coping, etc. I was aware of the “basic facts”, but he really opened up and that felt good.

 

I’m honestly not worried about them getting back together. I’m not even worried about him moving back to his home country anytime soon. He says that he’s fine with staying here for the time being and is even looking forward to making that house “his own”, changing the layout of the garden, he asked me to help him redecorate the bedroom, etc.

 

So the two main issues (the ex and his move) are out of the way and that SHOULD make me very happy. But that’s unfortunately not how I function I left his place with a big stupid grin on my face and the closer I got to home, the more worries and fears crept back into my mind:

 

- I’m frustrated that I still didn’t tell him about my feelings and still don’t know if he considers me his girlfriend. Should have done that this weekend, but I somehow felt that we had reached the “emotional talk quota” after that long marriage discussion.

- We’ll only be able to spend one weekend (max. two if we’re lucky) in the whole month of November due to my busy schedule (have to travel a lot for work). That’s disappointing. I do have some free evenings in between and could easily hang out with him then, but he said sth. along the lines of “Not worth the long drive. Let’s just make the best of that one weekend.” It IS an annoying 2-hour-drive and that’s why we usually try to spend whole weekends together, but he didn’t mind driving 2 hours to see me for just an evening in the early stages of our “relationship” (and I wouldn’t mind driving 2 hours to see him either). Or am I being unreasonable?

- The sex has changed as well. Don’t want to go into too much detail, but we had sex many times throughout the night in the first months, and now we have sex once and then he sleeps like a baby, while I lie awake and can hardly keep my hands off him

- Still not happy with our communication in between our “dates”. There are days when he texts me frequently. And then there are days when I don’t hear from him at all or it takes him hours to reply. I suppose that’s normal when you’ve known each other for a while (it’s six months for us now) and I never worried about texting habits in my previous relationships (not a big texter myself), but it’s different here because we don’t see each other that often and I would like him to be more present throughout the day.

[Logo]

It sounds like you’ve made some progress, but you still haven’t told him how you feel or have a conversation about YOUR relationship, not HIS past relationship.

 

 

 

I don’t want to add to your anxiety about the relationship, but there’s a term for it because people do it; some people future-fake. So when he tells you that he wants to make his house his own, take it with a grain of salt until you’ve had a conversation about your feelings and the relationship.

 

 

Overall, though, things are looking better than they did in the last few weeks.

[LauraXX]

Just in case anybody is still interested in this freak show of a thread: It’s finally over and I’m devastated.

 

We spent another weekend together and had a great time. Best weekend we had so far. Went hiking, had a fancy dinner, picked out new furniture for his house, had tons of sex, but also spent hours just cuddling on the sofa watching Netflix. Perfection!

 

It was so tempting to just enjoy it and not have the overdue conversation. But tonight I finally worked up the courage to tell him that I’m not 100% happy with the way things are going. He was surprised and told me that he had the impression things were going great. I told him that I’m not even worried about the “big picture” and not in a rush to move forward, but that there are some little details that bother me. For example him still having a Tinder profile. I straight out asked him if he was still active on Tinder and he said: “Yes, sometimes.”

 

I told him that I really like him and that it’s not an option for me to keep investing in this “relationship” while he’s out there waiting for something better to come along. And that I’d rather end things with him now, if that tiny little act of deleting his Tinder profile was such a big deal for him. He tried to talk me out of it, insisted that he really likes me, that he can definitely see a future with me at one point, but that he’s just not there yet and thinks it’s too early to become fully exclusive. But I said that I wasn’t willing to compromise. He asked me if I could give him at least one or two days to think about it and in the end I agreed. It was late, I still had a long drive back home and I was just tired and disappointed. So now I’m waiting to hear from him sometime this week, but in my heart I already know the answer and even if he agrees to go off Tinder and become exclusive, I’d still always know that it’s not really what he wanted in the first place. So I’m not even sure that that would change anything. And in all honesty – I’m pretty sure that he’ll just call and tell me goodbye anyway.

 

And another thing that really annoys me: We are not connected on any social media channels. I stalked him on Facebook tbh and he apparently doesn’t know much about privacy settings so I was able to read most status updates. But I never actually sent him a request. Yesterday when we were cuddling on the couch I told him “You know what, I’ll just send you a Facebook friend request.” He laughed and said “Ok, and I’ll definitely accept it.” But when I just checked not only did he not confirm the request. He seems to have denied it. Well, at least I can still click on “Add friend” on his profile and that wouldn’t be possible if the invitation was still pending. For some reason, that hurts more than anything else. Not becoming exclusive is one thing, but not even being worth an “Accept” on Facebook is really frustrating.

 

Thanks for listening you guys. I’m very sad and not looking forward to the next weeks and the inevitable breakup pain

[preraph]

In my experience, when guys finally get divorced and away from the ex, now they just want to openly date around for some time. I don't even think it's "rebound." It's just they're free to roam now and they're going to. Not ready to jump right back into it. Sorry.

[Zahara]

I’ve been in your situation before and based on experience, most men who are fresh out of a divorce aren’t looking to tie themselves down and they’re usually lacking emotional availability. If anything, you end up being a transitional crutch. I’m not surprised with his response.

 

As for Facebook, he likely denied the request because he may not be willing to be friends now that you both have parted. Or he doesn’t want you having access into his life or his activity on FB.

 

It would be best for you to leave it alone and try to move on.

[olivetree]

You're not getting what you need from this guy: consistency and commitment.

 

The fact that you're not getting either of those freely suggests you should move on.

No need to try to understand or to justify the situation based on his circumstances - just look at what you need and how you're not getting it and you have your answer.

 

I wouldn't wait for an answer from him, I'd tell him it's over and move on before you get even deeper in this.

[preraph]

In a year, he might be in a better position to again want exclusivity. Honestly, it would be nuts for him to even WANT it right after he just settled things with his ex finally. I mean, think how mentally tiring all that is. Men going through that will often stay longest with whoever is easiest and doesn't try to obligate them.

 

Now, I'm not saying you were wrong in any way. You need what you need and he needs what he needs. Maybe sometime in the future, you might find he's ready to give up the bachelor life. I will say that dating others was the smart thing to do. If he's doing it, so should you. You've been unhappy for awhile; otherwise, I'd say the timing of finally telling him that was pretty bad timing. It does sound like he cares about you. I just think his head is still spinning from the ex and that he still has to find out if he's missing, like you said, something better out there or not. Usually that will not happen, of course. But it's like being 21 again. You have to explore a little and find out.

 

I hope whatever he comes back with, you will leave the door open for the future and not have a nasty breakup.

[kendahke]

So a month has passed since I opened this thread.

He's still living with his ex.

We still don't have a future together.

 

He and his wife (only divorce and death dissolves a legal marriage) are not done with each other. Plenty of people with way more on their plates manage to divorce and get on with their lives if that's what they really want to do. I'm guessing that divorcing isn't what he really wants to do, despite what he's saying to you--otherwise, it'd have been a done deal long before now.

 

As long as he's still legally married, you're not going to have a future together.

[Mx12345]

I truly commend you for speaking up and letting him know you aren't 100% happy with things. It can be hard when you have good weekends and everything seems fine on the surface and you don't want to "rock the boat" so to speak.

 

You having to negotiate him deleting Tinder is a huge red flag though. I think this guy does like you, he just doesn't like you enough, or like you the way you deserve. Ive never been a fan of people who like to live in the gray area and he seems to like the uncertainty of your relationship, as evident by him thinking everything was going great.

 

I know as an outsider, its easy for anyone on here to tell you its for the best to end things and you'll meet someone else. But its so true! Move on, be strong, you got this!

[LauraXX]

Today was a bad day. It just hurts so bad. I'm trying to stay strong and positive during the day. Don't want my kid to notice that I'm not feeling well. But in the evening it just gets to me. I'm so heartbroken. It feels a hundred times worse then when the relatioship with my ex ended (and we had been together for almost 10 years). I just don't know what to do and where to get help.

 

 

He actually drove up to my place this week because we still needed to finish our conversation. And I still can't fully comprehend what happened then. He said that he had given it much thought and that he's just terrified of jumping head first into the next relationship. I reminded him that my only problem is him being on Tinder and actively trying to meet women - and that it's not about wanting to have a serious relationship. And he said that for him not going on dates with other people is the definition of a relationship and he's just not there yet. I told him again, that I wasn't going to compromise on that and it would just make me unhappy to sit at home picturing him going on dates (on the weekends that we're not together). He started to cry again and it was really bad this time. I think he cried for two hours straight and kept telling me what a great person I am, how attracted he is to me, how it is just bad timing bla bla bla. I tried to keep a straight face and stay strong but in the end I couldn't help it and started to cry a bit as well. And he was like: "Ah, so you DO have emotions." Um, hello.... aren't my stupid emotions why we have this problem in the first place?! So we cried together and then in the end I literally had to ask him to leave because he wasn't going to. He left my appartment (sobbing) and came back after a few minutes asking for a last kiss. So then we kissed again and that didn't make it easier. And then he said that he wants do some serious thinking in the upcoming weeks and that maybe my breaking up with him was just what he needed to finally get his head straight and realize what he wants. And I said that I couldn't promise to wait for him. Then he left and I haven't heard from him since and don't really think I ever will.

 

 

 

I know it's pathetic, but I can't eat. I can't sleep. I just miss him so bad. I'm so incredibly sad. And I really don't get it: Why the big drama if all I'm asking from him is to delete this stupid Tinder profile and not go on dates with other people. I mean, it's not like I asked him to marry me. I even said that we could just try to be exclusive for a couple of weeks, and if he changed his mind, he could always just re-install this f*** app. But he said that when he does things, he does them 100% and that that wouldn't be like him. Is he just a great actor or is it really possible that he has such conflicting feelings? And does it even matter?

 

 

 

I wish I could just fast forward my life to when I'm finally over him. Because right now, I'm really not enjoying it very much

[olivetree]

Sorry you're feeling so terrible.

Sounds like you love him.

Which also leads me to believe you're lying to yourself - I don't think you'd be satisfied if he just wasn't on Tinder.

I think you want a real relationship with him that will progress and move forward, not stay in the dating phase forever.

 

I think he cares for you, but I would try to take his tears with a grain of salt.

What really matters is what he does and right now he is choosing not to even be exclusive with you.

 

You deserve better.

Good for you for sticking to what you want.

 

If you had something truly special, he'll be back when he's ready, and if not, now you're free to find it with someone else.

Edited November 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[LoverOfDance]

I'm truly sorry you're feeling this way but i honestly couldn't help but laugh when reading your post. Not at you but at him.

 

This man is overdramatic, lol. So he is crying because he doesn't want to stop seeing other women. He is crying because you're taking away all the delicious candies around and leaving him with only one, lmao.

 

I think you feel like crap because that crying session made you feel like this is some kind of amazing fairy tale, movie love. It all comes down to his choices and actions at the end of the day. He apparently just got out of something so i honestly would just let this go. He sounds like he still has wounds to heal from his past relationship.

[LauraXX]

Which also leads me to believe you're lying to yourself - I don't think you'd be satisfied if he just wasn't on Tinder.

I think you want a real relationship with him that will progress and move forward, not stay in the dating phase forever.

 

 

I always had that dream of a "casual relationship" with someone. I was never really happy in my long-term relationships. It was fine in the first year or two and then I started to feel trapped, anxious, unhappy. And in the end it was always me who ended these relationships. So I'm honestly not in a rush to move forward and I think for him it would be completely unhealthy to jump into the next relationship so soon after getting out of his marriage. BUT I'd need to know that we're fully exclusive to be fine with the whole "long-distance / only seeing each other on weekends / keeping things rather casual" thing.

 

 

 

And it doesn't even matter now. I don't think I'll ever hear from him again.

[olivetree]

This man is overdramatic, lol. So he is crying because he doesn't want to stop seeing other women. He is crying because you're taking away all the delicious candies around and leaving him with only one, lmao.

 

Yup. I've heard stories from friends about guys crying so much as they break up after a month so it really means nothing.

 

I always had that dream of a "casual relationship" with someone. I was never really happy in my long-term relationships. It was fine in the first year or two and then I started to feel trapped, anxious, unhappy. And in the end it was always me who ended these relationships. So I'm honestly not in a rush to move forward and I think for him it would be completely unhealthy to jump into the next relationship so soon after getting out of his marriage. BUT I'd need to know that we're fully exclusive to be fine with the whole "long-distance / only seeing each other on weekends / keeping things rather casual" thing.

 

And it doesn't even matter now. I don't think I'll ever hear from him again.

 

Ok, I hear you.

Though your feelings for him sound much more than casual, and I think eventually you would want something more.

But I could be wrong.

 

Anyway, it is best that you do think of it that way - that you won't hear from him again.

[LauraXX]

I'm truly sorry you're feeling this way but i honestly couldn't help but laugh when reading your post. Not at you but at him.

 

I think you feel like crap because that crying session made you feel like this is some kind of amazing fairy tale, movie love.

 

 

It does sound ridiculous and I don't blame you for laughing. But it did feel very sincere in that situation.

 

 

 

I don't agree with your second statement though. I feel like crap because I'm in love with him and I feel terribly rejected. If anything I think the "crying session" makes it a little easier for me - not worse -, because it gives me that tiny spark of hope that he'll change his mind. But he never loved me. If he did, that whole Tinder thing wouldn't be that big of a deal for him. So no... definitely no movie fairy-tale love story.

[LoverOfDance]

Op, I don't doubt your feelings for him but his crying just seems bizarre to me. It's like purposefully slapping yourself on the face and then crying about it. He pretty much chose this situation yet he's crying about it. You gave him a simple choice - date only me or don't date me at all. He chooses to date other women and then cries about it. No one forced him to choose other women. He chose this all by himself so what is the crying all about.

 

I honestly have no idea what is going on in his head. I feel like it has less to do with you than you think. I honestly feel like in this situation, it's really NOT you, it's him. I feel like he is internally sorting out things from his past relationship/marriage. You never really know what goes on inside people. Just let him be.

[kendahke]

I know it's pathetic, but I can't eat. I can't sleep. I just miss him so bad. I'm so incredibly sad. And I really don't get it: Why the big drama if all I'm asking from him is to delete this stupid Tinder profile and not go on dates with other people. I mean, it's not like I asked him to marry me.

 

It's not pathetic, but you know why--he told you and you wrote it above:

he said that for him not going on dates with other people is the definition of a relationship and he's just not there yet.

 

He doesn't want to be in a obligatory relationship right now, despite how great he thinks you are, it's not enough for him to put down chasing other women at this point in his life---and that is fair. At least he is being upfront and truthful, you didn't have to drag this out of him over the course of years and he didn't cheat on you or lie to you. You are so far ahead of the curve a lot of women crash into.

 

I wish I could just fast forward my life to when I'm finally over him. Because right now, I'm really not enjoying it very much

 

You didn't fall for him in one day and your'e not going to process this out in one day. Give yourself time and permission to resolve this fully without reaching for a distraction away from the unpleasant feelings.

[kendahke]

Op, I don't doubt your feelings for him but his crying just seems bizarre to me. It's like purposefully slapping yourself on the face and then crying about it. He pretty much chose this situation yet he's crying about it. You gave him a simple choice - date only me or don't date me at all. He chooses to date other women and then cries about it. No one forced him to choose other women. He chose this all by himself so what is the crying all about.

 

I would think that he probably does really like her a lot, but he can't sacrifice his own happiness in order to make someone else happy---while he grows resentful with every passing day. That is the worst thing to do. Being in a relationship isn't something he wants to do right now. It's far better to cut someone like this loose so they can go find their destiny than it is to force them to stay and they end up debasing you behind your back because they're miserable in the relationship and want out.

 

If the tables were turned I wouldn't tell her to stay with someone she really doesn't want to be in a relationship with, so I wouldn't tell him he had to stay in this if this isn't where his heart really is.

[LauraXX]

I would think that he probably does really like her a lot, but he can't sacrifice his own happiness in order to make someone else happy---while he grows resentful with every passing day.

 

 

That is pretty much exactly what he said during his crying session. He said that sometime during the last week he was at the point where he decided to just tell me that he's in and ready to commit. And that on that same day, he realized that he already started to feel resentful and even a little angry at me. And that scared him. And he also said that he probably isn't "quite right in the head", because everything felt perfect with me and he really doesn't want to give it up, but that he just got out of his marriage where that same thing happened (him becoming more frustrated and angry at his wife with every passing day) and that he didn't want to feel that way about me.

 

 

 

So I do understand where he's coming from. And I'm thankful for his honesty. But somehow it makes it worse as well, because I still believe that he's a great person and that he would have been perfect for me. It's just so frustrating.

[elaine567]

There is a name for this it is called an emotional escape.

Basically it is about, how emotion is used by some people to get away with a difficult situation.

He/she uses emotion - anger, happiness, depression, crying, etc. to avoid the hard questions being asked of him/her, in an attempt to get the other person back on board. It is a form of misdirection.

But next day he/she may do the very same thing again that caused the problem in the first place, but the immediate crisis is by that time over and they often get away with it.

The emotion is used to tug at the heart strings of the normal caring person, but it merely gets the person playing the game some space, and allows an escape, but it is all a ploy and not real emotion.

 

Here he does not want to delete his Tinder but he wants you back on board hence the crying so much that he melted your heart, made you feel sorry for him and so in a perfect world then he would go back to Tinder and keep you too on a casual basis.

 

I know it is all cool for women to take on casual/fwb relationships, relationships that are going nowhere, relationships that are short term or where other women are also involved, but most women sooner or later cannot handle it, they fall in love, they want "more", so they get hurt and very upset...

[brigit87]

I know it is all cool for women to take on casual/fwb relationships, relationships that are going nowhere, relationships that are short term or where other women are also involved, but most women sooner or later cannot handle it, they fall in love, they want "more", so they get hurt and very upset...

 

There are very few situations where the woman won't get hurt. I don't know why any woman would want something casual it goes against nature. instinct tells us to get the best man and keep him for protection and survival. Casual sex gets you nothing but used.

 

OP to answer your question: Yes. You should end this before he does.

[LauraXX]

It's been a week since I last saw him and it still hurts like crazy. I didn't really function this week. Scratched my car on a pillar in the garage, forgot a doctor's appointment, didn't really sleep at all.

 

 

 

And then I did something very stupid. I called guy no2 and asked him if he wanted to hang out. I actually offered him that he could finally stay the night if he wanted. We met, went to the movies, had a few drinks, started kissing on the way back to my place. And I suddenly felt so bad. I was really disgusted at myself. So I ended up telling him the whole story and everything about guy no1 and that I was really sorry for the way I have treated him in the past months. I told him that it wouldn't be right to take him back home and asked him to just go and leave me alone. He said that he didn't really care that it was "revenge sex" and that he'd still like to go through with it (). We didn't of course. He went back home and I doubt I'll ever hear from him again. I feel awful for treating him so bad, but to be honest... I don't even care that I won't see him again. I'm a terrible person.

 

 

 

Right now I'm at the point where I regret even starting that conversation with no1. If only I hadn't done that, we'd be together right now and I wouldn't feel so awful. I'm even thinking about contacting him again in a few weeks to ask him if he wants to start all over again. But I think I'll wait at least a month before I do that. Part of me still hopes that he'll come around and get in touch with me before that. And another part of me hopes that I'll be over him by then and not even want to get back together. But that's not very realistic.