Author pandagirl2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Author Posted September 4, 2018 I gave the guy credit for sharing this critical info on the first date, before you’ve developed any meaningful attachment. But not getting involved with this guy should be a no brainer. Absolutely!
Author pandagirl2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Author Posted September 4, 2018 Nothing but death or an executed divorce decree dissolves a legal marriage. Period. Separated people have been known to both reconcile and to live out their lives never divorcing---meaning the person they've been in a relationship with for however many years is not the next of kin should that man get sick, injured or die---the wife still is and guess who has legal footing to order about his affairs and who doesn't in this matter? Plenty of girlfriends of separated married men have found themselves homeless and car-less when the wife swooped in after his death and took what is legally hers to take. As long a he's legally married, you have no legal standing concerning him in a court of law. You're right. I think many women don't think about this when they meet the guy or they're dating. They're attracted, infatuated, and they think things will be solved, he will get divorced and possibly they will get married, etc. So, they imagine the future will be great and everything will be solved easily. And then find themselves as you say, in a situation where the guy never really gets a divorce, doesn't give a s*** about that and she ends up with no legal standing, which down the road is no romantic at all. We have to think about these things in the beginning and actually date a guy who is already legally divorced as that says he's serious in rebuilding his life and start new with someone else. I am legally divorced and I never felt ready for a new relationship until I got the final decree from the court. Before that I always felt there was still an attachment to my ex and something still to solve. I didn't feel completely free to be with someone new. Now of course I do. And my divorce was easy, stress and drama free and I still get along well with my ex up to this day. So I know it's very different being separated than being legally divorced. Mentally, physically and spiritually is very different. So yes I want a man who is in the same place as me.
Art_Critic Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Married and separated is still married... all it takes to stay married is for them to try again and put the divorce on hold. I guess it depends on how many irons you have in the fire.. if you have more to date I think you should give them your time but if this is the only guy then maybe a second date and ask him a TON of questions, since he opened the door you certainly can walk right through it.
Versacehottie Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 I think a lot of these guys they only share these things because they're like in "victim" mode, going through a bad time and just want to vent and get some compassion. I agree with this^^^ It's lucky OP found out, of course. But I don't think he shared it to look out for her best interests. He is looking to drag her into his own problems & to continue further is a tacit agreement that she is ok & will stand by his sh*t. Drama Inc. Don't believe for a second that he told her in consideration for her only more about himself--this pattern will continue, you can bet on it.
shellybing Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 I've met a guy online and he is going through a divorce. I just find the circunstamces around it very suspicious and would like your opinion. So basically he said his wife filled for divorce alleging domestic violence. He said that never actually happened, but that is the way she found to make it quicker. Then, he was the one who left the family house, and it seems it was all of a sudden that happened, because he didn't even had the time to take all his stuff. Also, he is not allowed to go back inside the house, and he said that when he goes there to pick up his two kids to spend time with them, she doesn't open the door completely. And once she didn't want to open up the door at all and the police was called (not sure who called the police, maybe her). He also said after nearly a year that they separated, she's still very angry and bitter with him. I just find all of this very weird and I wonder if he was really violent with her, and she called the police, kicked him out of the house and filled for divorce. That's why he's not allowed to go back inside the house now. What do you think? She has a restraining order from the courts. Those are difficult to get if nothing really happened. Something happened. I know, because that is how I got away from my abuser. Yes, this is not potentially dangerous - IT IS DANGEROUS. Do not go out with that guy.
shellybing Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 When someone gets a restraining order from the court they are allowed back into their residence for 1 hour to collect their belongings, that is why he left all of his stuff there. If he is not allowed to go back there, it is because the courts have said so. I wouldn't do it. Take my advice, this happened to me.
mortensorchid Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 Doesn't matter if all those things he said are true or not, I wouldn't get involved with him. There's too much drama going on and you might get swept up in it. NEXT. 1
nospam99 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 She has a restraining order from the courts. Those are difficult to get if nothing really happened. See my previous post in this thread. EASY to get in the Great Blue State of New York. All you need is the easy to find lazy judge and corrupt DA.
shellybing Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 See my previous post in this thread. EASY to get in the Great Blue State of New York. All you need is the easy to find lazy judge and corrupt DA. I agree with this post: Prepaph (idk if i spelled it right) Domestic abusers always try to minimize what they did. You know they'll say they were just trying to restrain her or they accidentally pushed her and they don't count restraining and pushing as domestic abuse. He's an abuser. he's not allowed to go to the house probably because she has a restraining order on him but then he gets to go there only to pick up the kids. She calls the police so she's afraid of him. You do not want to get at all involved with this man. He's a domestic abuser. It doesn't matter why she has a restraining order, how difficult it was to get. The fact of the matter is that a woman is afraid of him, or does not want him back, and he pursued that so much that she needed court and police to intervene. That sends red flags.
notbroken Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 Why would you continue to go out with this guy or any married man for that matter? He is a potential abuser at worst, at best he is a guy with a life full of drama you don't need. Run. Do not walk. Run. I dated while separated. I knew I was definitely getting a divorce and that it was just a technicality. In hindsight, it was a mistake. I would advise NEVER date someone whose divorce is not yet finalized. Just too much drama and risk involved with that. Life is short, find people that are actually fully available and have 'stowed their baggage'. This guy's baggage would require 3 semis and a crane to haul. 1
Author pandagirl2018 Posted September 5, 2018 Author Posted September 5, 2018 (edited) Why would you continue to go out with this guy or any married man for that matter? He is a potential abuser at worst, at best he is a guy with a life full of drama you don't need. Run. Do not walk. Run. I dated while separated. I knew I was definitely getting a divorce and that it was just a technicality. In hindsight, it was a mistake. I would advise NEVER date someone whose divorce is not yet finalized. Just too much drama and risk involved with that. Life is short, find people that are actually fully available and have 'stowed their baggage'. This guy's baggage would require 3 semis and a crane to haul. I am not continuing to date this guy. I already told him that and deleted his number from my phone. I am legally divorced and my divorce was easy and drama free, and STILL I remember I never felt truly free until I got the final decree from the courts. I remember going on a few dates before the decree and it didn't feel 100% right, like I still had an attachment to my ex. So it's really not just a technicality. It really impacts you in an emotional and psychological level. So yes I want a man who is in the same place as me: legally divorced (if he was married before of course), and completely free to be with someone new. A man will have that from me: legally divorced, completely drama free and ready for a new relationship and a new beginning in love. So I want a man who offers the same to me. Edited September 5, 2018 by pandagirl2018
Author pandagirl2018 Posted September 5, 2018 Author Posted September 5, 2018 I agree with this post: Prepaph (idk if i spelled it right) Domestic abusers always try to minimize what they did. You know they'll say they were just trying to restrain her or they accidentally pushed her and they don't count restraining and pushing as domestic abuse. He's an abuser. he's not allowed to go to the house probably because she has a restraining order on him but then he gets to go there only to pick up the kids. She calls the police so she's afraid of him. You do not want to get at all involved with this man. He's a domestic abuser. It doesn't matter why she has a restraining order, how difficult it was to get. The fact of the matter is that a woman is afraid of him, or does not want him back, and he pursued that so much that she needed court and police to intervene. That sends red flags. The stupid part of what he said (and where I realized he was lying) was when he told me that when he goes to her house to pick up the kids, he's not allowed to go inside the house, and she only opens a tiny bit of the door, not the entire door. And he said that she does that because she was always very lazy and always have a mess in the house, so she only opens a tiny bit of the door so he doen't see the mess... THAT has but**** written all over it. If they were living together before and he knows how she is, why would she bother that he sees the mess? It looks like she's afraid he would come inside or he's not allowed to go inside due to a RO. Anyway, I have told him goodbye and deleted his number from my phone. Live and learn!
Normm Posted September 7, 2018 Posted September 7, 2018 (edited) See my previous post in this thread. EASY to get in the Great Blue State of New York. All you need is the easy to find lazy judge and corrupt DA. In NY you don't need a lazy, corrupt judge and the DA isn't involved at all. All it takes is the woman telling the judge she's afraid of what her husband or boyfriend might do to her and/or the kids and the judge won't take any chances. The temporary restraining order will be granted -usually without the guy even knowing it's happening until he's notified by a deputy's knock on the door. Often times it's used simply as a tool by the woman to get the upper hand in a divorce proceeding. It happened to me. Sure you get your 'day in court' to refute what is often bogus allegations with no evidence whatsoever and no history of domestic violence but you're fighting an uphill battle from the moment the deputy knocks on your door to tell you that you've got 10 minutes to take some personal items and get out of your house and do not return for any reason. Edited September 7, 2018 by Normm
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