Can this guy be potentially dangerous?

[pandagirl2018]

I've met a guy online and he is going through a divorce.

 

I just find the circunstamces around it very suspicious and would like your opinion.

 

So basically he said his wife filled for divorce alleging domestic violence. He said that never actually happened, but that is the way she found to make it quicker.

 

Then, he was the one who left the family house, and it seems it was all of a sudden that happened, because he didn't even had the time to take all his stuff.

 

Also, he is not allowed to go back inside the house, and he said that when he goes there to pick up his two kids to spend time with them, she doesn't open the door completely. And once she didn't want to open up the door at all and the police was called (not sure who called the police, maybe her).

 

He also said after nearly a year that they separated, she's still very angry and bitter with him.

 

I just find all of this very weird and I wonder if he was really violent with her, and she called the police, kicked him out of the house and filled for divorce.

 

That's why he's not allowed to go back inside the house now.

 

What do you think?

[d0nnivain]

There is a big difference between his STBEXW alleging DV in the divorce & a judge entering a final restraining order against him for DV. The later contains at least 3 steps & requires that the Court find that he was actually a threat to his EX. If an FRO had been issued he would not be allowed to go to the house to pick up the kids. The exchange would take place at a neutral location, usually the parking lot of the local police station. So based on what you wrote, no I don't think he's dangerous. I think his EX is a manipulative liar.

 

Personally I would not want to get involved with a man who has not fully extricated himself from a spouse who can lie to a court. Who knows what else she will stoop to including trying to harm you to get what she wants.

 

Is this the same guy from your other thread: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/663294-why-he-behaving-like ?

 

If it is, this may be the 2nd strike. You have concerns about your safety / I have concerns about the lengths to which his EX will go and you think he only wants sex. What is the upside for you to date him?

[FMW]

I agree with d0nnivain, probably not dangerous but in a messy domestic situation.

 

I would move along, sounds like way too much drama. Why would you want to be part of that?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I'll echo what the others said. If he had a restraining order against him, he wouldn't be able to go near the house at all. Maybe she does have concerns for her safety, but it doesn't appear it's gone in front of a judge yet or that the claims have been independently verified.

 

If he does indeed have a violent streak and has harmed her, I would have figured it more likely that he'd keep that from you and not disclose those allegations nor the police calls.

 

However, I would steer clear of anyone going through a messy divorce like this. It's going to be complicated and not without roadblocks to developing a true relationship.

Edited September 3, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[PegNosePete]

What do you think?

I think you'd be nuts to get involved with a guy who is legally married.

[BaileyB]

If you even have to ask the question, that's a problem...

 

You would be foolish to get involved with a married man who is not legally divorced. You would be especially foolish considering that he has disclosed what could be described as a potentially abusive relationship with his wife.

 

Not even if he was a last man on Earth, would I date this guy...

[Versacehottie]

on the basics alone: still married, only separated, I think you should not date him. Then the uttering of simply the word domestic violence would have me running the other way. Idk, but i think people who are in drama-filled situations (whether or not the domestic violence is true, let's say) usually court more drama and have not the best judgement. Those are the kinds of character issues that will follow this guy into any relationship he has most likely. Do i think it's any better that he has informed you of all this so soon? No absolutely not. More drama. Again, not good judgement and boundaries, lack of impulse control. If he is still married, he could and should wait until he is divorced to date, but he doesn't. If he is trying to make a good impression on new dating partners, he would reserve these stories, but he doesn't. To me, this all lends credence to the fact that there indeed very well might be truth to the domestic violence allegations. At best, if there is not, dating a still married person is complicated. Life is too short for all of this. You are not entangled yet, so I would advise walking away. You have to value yourself more than to put up and be interested in someone who comes to you damaged and not fully available. I honestly believe you can do better. Don't settle for this. Good luck

[pandagirl2018]

There is a big difference between his STBEXW alleging DV in the divorce & a judge entering a final restraining order against him for DV. The later contains at least 3 steps & requires that the Court find that he was actually a threat to his EX. If an FRO had been issued he would not be allowed to go to the house to pick up the kids. The exchange would take place at a neutral location, usually the parking lot of the local police station. So based on what you wrote, no I don't think he's dangerous. I think his EX is a manipulative liar.

 

Personally I would not want to get involved with a man who has not fully extricated himself from a spouse who can lie to a court. Who knows what else she will stoop to including trying to harm you to get what she wants.

 

Is this the same guy from your other thread: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/663294-why-he-behaving-like ?

 

If it is, this may be the 2nd strike. You have concerns about your safety / I have concerns about the lengths to which his EX will go and you think he only wants sex. What is the upside for you to date him?

 

No this is a different guy that I only went on a first date.

[pandagirl2018]

This is a guy I only went on a first date with. Online he said to me he was separated, living away from his wife for over a year and finalizing the divorce.

 

I decided to give him a chance and went on a first date when he told me all the rest of the information I told you guys here.

 

I think it's too much info for a first date, but I appreciate him telling me all that, so I can make the informed decision of not seeing him again.

 

I am legally divorced, I get along really well with my ex-husband and we have no issues or drama between us.

 

After my divorce I rebuilt my life, was alone for 2 years just to be with myself and heal, started my own business, moved home, am raising my children, and I am in a good place in my life, good to start a relationship with someone new.

 

I think I deserve a man who is on a similar page.

[BaileyB]

I think it's too much info for a first date, but I appreciate him telling me all that, so I can make the informed decision of not seeing him again.

 

After my divorce I rebuilt my life, was alone for 2 years just to be with myself and heal, started my own business, moved home, am raising my children, and I am in a good place in my life, good to start a relationship with someone new.

 

I think I deserve a man who is on a similar page.

 

Absolutely, completely, agree with this!

 

It sounds like you have worked hard to get your life to a good place, no need to change that for this guy. It is good that he revealed himself early, so that you can make an informed decision. Well done!

 

I hope that you find a man who is worthy of everything you have to bring to a relationship. Good luck!

[pandagirl2018]

Absolutely, completely, agree with this!

 

It sounds like you have worked hard to get your life to a good place, no need to change that for this guy. It is good that he revealed himself early, so that you can make an informed decision. Well done!

 

I hope that you find a man who is worthy of everything you have to bring to a relationship. Good luck!

 

Thank you! I do have a lot to bring to a relationship but I don't know why I keep attracting these guys that are broken, bitter, with lots of baggage, emotionally unavailable, etc.

 

Maybe I need to vet them better if I meet them online and put some boundaries, as in asking a few questions to see where they are in their lives and stop talking if they are still married, with clear issues, etc.

 

For example, this guy told me online that he was separated for a year and was finalizing the divorce. Well, in the UK you have to be separated for 2 years to be granted a divorce, unless there's infidelity or domestic violence.

 

I told him that, and he said his wife alleged domestic violence, although that never happened.

 

That to me should have been immediately a red flag. I remember when I separated I went to a lawyer and he advised me to allege that my ex-husband was violent to me, so we could get a divorce quick.

 

Listen, I value myself as a person of integrity and honest, so I would NEVER say that about my ex-husband if that wasn't true, and it wouldn't be fair on him. I waited 2 years and then got divorced.

 

So, even in this guy's case, even if she was lying and alleging he was violent to her just to get a divorce, he seemed fine with it! He didn't care she was lying and ruining his name and reputation.

 

If I had my ex doing that to me, I would NEVER go forward with the divorce based on a lie and would tell the courts that is a lie. A guy who doesn't value his integrity and doesn't care his wife is lying about his character, it says a lot about him. Unless of course, she is not lying and he was really violent. In either case, they're both red flags.

 

So, that should have been a red flag when we were still talking online and I should have never met him in person.

 

I think I need to be more careful and be very picky of whom I meet.

Edited September 3, 2018 by pandagirl2018

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't go on a 2nd date. He spilled too much info for a 1st date. He has no boundaries & that would be a big negative for me.

[preraph]

Domestic abusers always try to minimize what they did. You know they'll say they were just trying to restrain her or they accidentally pushed her and they don't count restraining and pushing as domestic abuse. He's an abuser. he's not allowed to go to the house probably because she has a restraining order on him but then he gets to go there only to pick up the kids. She calls the police so she's afraid of him. You do not want to get at all involved with this man. He's a domestic abuser.

[nospam99]

I'm not sure of the difference between a Restraining Order and an Order of Protection (OP). On wikipedia Order of Protection redirects to Restraining Order. FWIW I have personal experience with a situation (I was neither the claimant nor the respondent) where a DA requested and got a 'Stay Away' (Full) (cf. 'Be Nice' (Limited)) OP so she could take a two week vacation and not have to 'deal with it' ... leaving the family to deal with it and it WAS a hardship. The judge (night court and municipal town jurisdiction) rubber stamped the request with no review and no evaluation by any individual other than the requesting DA. The DA's office refused to reassign the case to a different prosecutor while the requesting one was on vacation and when she returned from vacation she dropped the case anyway and it was left in unassigned limbo for several more weeks. Makes me put just about no credibility in an OP or a RO. No credibility in the DA's office either. Bottom line: there is enough corruption and negligence in law enforcement in the US, that as an individual I trust my own judgement of a dangerous situation more than that of the 'authorities'.

[kendahke]

What do you think?

I think I would leave him alone til he's got this mess sorted and resolved.

Edited September 3, 2018 by kendahke

[preraph]

I will just add this: If you won't disqualify this online prospect for being a domestic abuser, what WILL you disqualify someone for? Have some standards. If you've never thought about standards before, come here and we'll suggest a list for you.

[pandagirl2018]

I will just add this: If you won't disqualify this online prospect for being a domestic abuser, what WILL you disqualify someone for? Have some standards. If you've never thought about standards before, come here and we'll suggest a list for you.

 

Well, that's exactly why I am here asking this question, right?

 

I went on a first date with this guy and he told all this about him. To me that was a huge red flag and yes it disqualifies him for being a potential domestic abuser and/or having a lot of issues going on.

 

But you're welcome to send me the list.

[kendahke]

 

But you're welcome to send me the list.

 

 

#1 on the list is to leave married men alone.

[pandagirl2018]

#1 on the list is to leave married men alone.

 

Well I always thought there's a difference between a married man who lives with his wife and is cheating on her, or a married man who is separated but hasn't initiated the divorce,

 

and a married man who separated over a year ago, lives in a different house, has is own life and has the divorce papers on court. If the divorce is amicable and there's no drama, that's fine.

 

It's not the case with this guy, there's lots of drama and issues.

[preraph]

Just at least wait until they've actually filed for divorce. Because so many men will tell you they're about to divorce just to sleep with a variety of women.

 

Just know that abusers always make excuses and feel justified in abusing. They also all cry and beg and apologize to get you back, but most of them can't even control themselves, so if you once take an abuser back, here is what he knows: I can't abuse her and apologize and she will keep taking me back. And then he will keep escalating. I have literally never heard anyone say, "He used to be abusive, but he's all better now."

 

List:

 

Within reasonable limits, does he treat you as he would want to be treated?

Does he respect your opinion?

Never stay with someone who enjoys belittling you or making you feel stupid or incompetent.

Pay attention to actions, not words. Men learned centuries ago they can lie long enough to get sex.

 

ETHICS

Pay attention to his ethics on other things. Early on, you don't have much to go on because everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning of dating. So you need to know what his ethics are. So listen to what he says. Is he honest and reliable at his workplace or does he constantly find a way to get away with stuff and do less and miss work? Or is he truly a dedicated employee. People either have work ethics or they don't, so it's a good indicator.

 

With friends and with love interests, does he make plans and then back out, or does he always follow through once he says he's going to do something?

 

Does he go help his friends do something like move? Or does he avoid that sort of obligatory friendship?

 

If he saw a kitten in the middle of the road, would he do something about it? Does he like dogs? A person who can't love a dog, the most lovable loyal creature on earth, can't love anybody.

 

If he has car trouble, does he calmly just get it taken care of, or does he rant and rave and lose his temper? This is a great indicator of a man's dark side. You should always date long enough to see him in bad circumstances before committing.

 

If you don't want to have sex one time when he does, does he overreact?

Does he expect you to service him whether you're in the mood for sex or not? That's selfish and unethical. It shows no care for the woman's feelings. Now, this is assuming you otherwise have a normal regular sex life and haven't just totally stopped.

 

If you're ill, does he try to be helpful and sympathetic, or does he just get mad because you're unable to do anything with him?

 

Make sure he doesn't resent your friends and try to isolate you from them because that is one of the first signs of abuse. He should be able to meet your friends and not get mad about them and trust you to see them, and you should be able to invite him along once in awhile so he sees there's nothing wrong going on.

 

Hope that helps. Other people will hopefully think of more stuff. But you know that ethics thing is something you get by the way you were brought up. You either have ethics or you don't. So a way to know if a guy is likely to lie and cheat is to watch his general ethics.

[pandagirl2018]

Just at least wait until they've actually filed for divorce. Because so many men will tell you they're about to divorce just to sleep with a variety of women.

 

Just know that abusers always make excuses and feel justified in abusing. They also all cry and beg and apologize to get you back, but most of them can't even control themselves, so if you once take an abuser back, here is what he knows: I can't abuse her and apologize and she will keep taking me back. And then he will keep escalating. I have literally never heard anyone say, "He used to be abusive, but he's all better now."

<SNIP>

 

Thank you.

 

I would add to the list: see how he treats other people such as waiters, restaurant staff, etc.

 

I once went on a first date with a guy that was quite arrogant and stupid to the waitress when he had to wait long to be served in a crowded coffee shop.

 

I then realized she was actually pregnant, and he didn't give a s*** to that, only interested in being served.

 

There was no second date.

 

I would also add to the list: trust your intuition.

 

As you say, very often men are on their best behaviour, but when something is off, you just feel it. Even if there are no facts (yet), your intuition is telling you to run. We should trust that.

 

And yes one should wait that the man has actually filled for divorce and is not just saying that he will.

Edited September 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

Well I always thought there's a difference between a married man who lives with his wife and is cheating on her, or a married man who is separated but hasn't initiated the divorce, and a married man who separated over a year ago, lives in a different house, has is own life and has the divorce papers on court.

There is a difference between a lion and a leopard - I'm still not gonna go walking across the Serengeti on my own though. They're both married, so you'd still be nuts go get involved with either of them!

 

I disagree that this guy shared too much information for a first date. He told you everything you need to know to NEXT him. Better to find out sooner, rather than later.

[JuneL]

I gave the guy credit for sharing this critical info on the first date, before you’ve developed any meaningful attachment. But not getting involved with this guy should be a no brainer.

[pandagirl2018]

There is a difference between a lion and a leopard - I'm still not gonna go walking across the Serengeti on my own though. They're both married, so you'd still be nuts go get involved with either of them!

 

I disagree that this guy shared too much information for a first date. He told you everything you need to know to NEXT him. Better to find out sooner, rather than later.

 

I think a lot of these guys they only share these things because they're like in "victim" mode, going through a bad time and just want to vent and get some compassion.

 

And many think that if the woman they're dating understands them and stays with them, that means she must be the right one.

 

They don't even think they're being selfish and that they should get that s*** together and offer good things to someone else, not bringing problems to their life.

 

They're very self-centered, that's why they share so much on a first date.

 

I've a friend of mine who went on a first date with a guy that was also going through a divorce and shared with her that he is giving his (still wife) money everyday because she doesn't work, and gave her 2 years (TWO YEARS PEOPLE) for her to find a job!

 

This is sick and toxic and lucky for my friend he also shared this on the first date!

[kendahke]

Well I always thought there's a difference between a married man who lives with his wife and is cheating on her, or a married man who is separated but hasn't initiated the divorce,

 

Nothing but death or an executed divorce decree dissolves a legal marriage.

 

Period.

 

Separated people have been known to both reconcile and to live out their lives never divorcing---meaning the person they've been in a relationship with for however many years is not the next of kin should that man get sick, injured or die---the wife still is and guess who has legal footing to order about his affairs and who doesn't in this matter?

 

Plenty of girlfriends of separated married men have found themselves homeless and car-less when the wife swooped in after his death and took what is legally hers to take.

 

As long a he's legally married, you have no legal standing concerning him in a court of law.

Edited September 4, 2018 by kendahke