Rockett Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 Hello everyone, Long-time reader (lurker), first thread. I am a woman in my early 30s living in a mid-sized city. I have been emailing for a couple of weeks (no phone or facetime calls) with a guy in his late 30s who I met on OLD. There seems to be a lot of potential, as we share a similar outlook on the world & values, and several hobbies. Not a lot to go on, I know, but usually enough for me to want to meet in person. We have great e-mail chemistry, and I want to find out if we'd have that in person too. He's suggested driving over 2 hours (he lives in a very rural area) to come visit me in my city, and I am hesitant because it seems like a really long way to go for an online date with a stranger. I don't think there is any expectation of sex at this point, as he hasn't given off that vibe. I'm just wondering even if we do click, is it worth starting something with someone who lives far away? I've done LDRs and like many of us know, they are hard and like most relationships, do not work out. But all of those were with people who I knew from school or work, not starting online. I'm really intrigued by this guy, and I tell myself there's no harm in meeting him. But at the same time I have reservations about it because I tend to have an overactive imagination and don't want to get caught up in my own fantasies about who this guy is (or rather, who I want to believe he is). A 2 hour drive is pretty far, and there's no way to gather all of that other important information about someone you're dating, like how they are with their family and friends (also if they're married!), or really just what life is like on a normal day. What do you all think? Would you meet up with someone who lived that far away? How do you keep your expectations in check? Or should I just drop OLD like a hot potato and continue my efforts to build my network where I live? ...Sounds like I already know the answer when I put it like that, but hey.
Dis Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 Hello everyone, Long-time reader (lurker), first thread. I am a woman in my early 30s living in a mid-sized city. I have been emailing for a couple of weeks (no phone or facetime calls) with a guy in his late 30s who I met on OLD. There seems to be a lot of potential, as we share a similar outlook on the world & values, and several hobbies. Not a lot to go on, I know, but usually enough for me to want to meet in person. We have great e-mail chemistry, and I want to find out if we'd have that in person too. He's suggested driving over 2 hours (he lives in a very rural area) to come visit me in my city, and I am hesitant because it seems like a really long way to go for an online date with a stranger. I don't think there is any expectation of sex at this point, as he hasn't given off that vibe. I'm just wondering even if we do click, is it worth starting something with someone who lives far away? I've done LDRs and like many of us know, they are hard and like most relationships, do not work out. But all of those were with people who I knew from school or work, not starting online. I'm really intrigued by this guy, and I tell myself there's no harm in meeting him. But at the same time I have reservations about it because I tend to have an overactive imagination and don't want to get caught up in my own fantasies about who this guy is (or rather, who I want to believe he is). A 2 hour drive is pretty far, and there's no way to gather all of that other important information about someone you're dating, like how they are with their family and friends (also if they're married!), or really just what life is like on a normal day. What do you all think? Would you meet up with someone who lived that far away? How do you keep your expectations in check? Or should I just drop OLD like a hot potato and continue my efforts to build my network where I live? ...Sounds like I already know the answer when I put it like that, but hey. Lots of things to consider here First off, kudos to you for not losing heart when it comes to dating. It isn't easy, is it? A mistake lots of people make (including myself) is having too much texting/emailing going on with someone for too long before the initial meet up. It creates a fantasy in your mind and in his. When you two meet up, if you do, there is a big potential for either one of you (or both) being disappointed. Emails/texts mean very little in the grand scheme of things. Next time you start chatting with a guy, meet up pronto. Second, please, please have a phone call with this guy before you agree to the date. I made the mistake a few times of not having a phone call with a future date and suffered the consequences. If a convo can't flow over the phone, you'll be miserable in person. Pre-date phone calls weed out the guys that you won't mesh well with conversation wise...which means an in person date is pointless. Lastly, you mentioned you've had long distance relationships before and they didn't work out. Long distance is so hard, I couldn't do it. Why not pass on this guy and look for someone nearby? Just because he's showing interest, doesn't mean you need to go for it. Do you really want to sign up for another long distance relationship or are you just lonely? Not judging if you are. I was for a long time which led me to settle for guys I shouldn't have Oh and please do imply that sex is off the table if you do decide to meet up. You don't have to announce it from the rooftop but do make it clear. Also, meet up in a public place. Don't ever be alone with him or tell him where you live. Treat it like a date who lives 15 minutes away from you. You both drive alone, you don't crash at each other's places (he's responsible for either driving back or getting a hotel room and you part ways publicly after the date...not in a dark parking garage.
Author Rockett Posted September 3, 2018 Author Posted September 3, 2018 Thanks for the suggestion to have a call first, I will do that this week. I did have one experience before with a guy who wanted to meet up and refused to talk- so of course I cancelled. Very weird. But yeah, I agree if conversation can't flow on the phone, no reason to meet up and have an even more awkward experience. What you say about LDRs and being lonely... yeah I've been moving around a lot the past few years, and it's taken a toll on my social/dating life. I make friends easily, but have not had a relationship in almost three years. It does get lonely, and I think that's why I'm willing to consider someone who lives so far away. But it would be silly for me to think that's the only way to meet someone. Thank you for your words of encouragement about dating. It is such. a. long. slog! I'll see how the call goes, and how we mesh in real time (on the phone anyway). OLD can be so unnatural. Another reason to go the old fashioned route, I suppose.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 I def feel for you about getting too excited, had way too much of that when dating. I learned to have zero expectations even if the date goes well. The LDR thing though, from personal experience, I would skip it. I was brave to meet someone from online (after facetiming a lot) and after putting in time/heart, he turned out to be super non committed. Keep options open for sure, don't just hang all your hopes on this guy.
mrs rubble Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 A 2 hr drive isn’t that far really, if you do decide to meet up with him how about meeting somewhere halfway for lunch or something? 1
Author Rockett Posted September 3, 2018 Author Posted September 3, 2018 I def feel for you about getting too excited' date=' had way too much of that when dating. I learned to have zero expectations even if the date goes well. The LDR thing though, from personal experience, I would skip it. I was brave to meet someone from online (after facetiming a lot) and after putting in time/heart, he turned out to be super non committed. Keep options open for sure, don't just hang all your hopes on this guy.[/quote'] Thanks- yeah the same thing happened to me, not too long ago. That's why I'm wondering why I'm entertaining this idea at all! I was talking to this guy who seemed super into me for several months. We did meet up, but he also turned out to be not as committed as he let on. This is a good reality check, not to put too much stock into this person. Even though long distance takes on this extra layer of "oh wow, they must really be into me!" in reality, it shouldn't be much different from meeting someone from online who lives nearby. There's still the chance it will go well/badly, and that goes for the short and long-term. But with an LDR, the stakes are higher (and there's less day to day info), so it can feel even worse if it doesn't work out. mrs rubble- I would meet halfway, if we end up seeing each other again. We'll see how things go!
d0nnivain Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 2 hours isn't long distance, it's GUD, geographically inconvenient. It's still not going to be easy but it's hardly insurmountable What is in the middle? He has offered to come to your city. Presumably he wants the "excitement" of the city. Pick a free or cheap touristy event for the date / meet up. See what happens. It seems silly to pass up the opportunity for a good thing just because you don't like his present address. You keep your expectations in check by reminding yourself this will be difficult.
kendahke Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 We have great e-mail chemistry, and I want to find out if we'd have that in person too. I'm just wondering even if we do click, is it worth starting something with someone who lives far away? IMO, no, not unless you like being on the road all the time. I'm really intrigued by this guy, and I tell myself there's no harm in meeting him. But at the same time I have reservations about it because I tend to have an overactive imagination and don't want to get caught up in my own fantasies about who this guy is (or rather, who I want to believe he is). IMO, it's better to meet sooner rather than later after you've had the time to build and invest in your artificial construct around who you think they are/want them to be. Meeting sooner than later offers less chance for over/underwhelming disappointment due to their not measuring up to what you've constructed through your emails/text messages. A 2 hour drive is pretty far, and there's no way to gather all of that other important information about someone you're dating, like how they are with their family and friends (also if they're married!), or really just what life is like on a normal day. Thank goodness for Skype/Facetime What do you all think? Would you meet up with someone who lived that far away? How do you keep your expectations in check? Or should I just drop OLD like a hot potato and continue my efforts to build my network where I live?. No. I make it a point in my profile to limit interest to those who live within 20 miles of me. Traffic where I live is ghastly all hours of the day and I hate spending time in it.
Highndry Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 ...We have great e-mail chemistry... Means zero. Words on a screen, nothing more. 1
central Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 I've met people who live over 8000 miles away. And, we almost made a relationship work, despite the distance. However, if you do connect and are compatible, one of you must be able to relocate within a year - two, at most. If that is not even feasible, then you know it's time to move on. LDRs are too hard to continue indefinitely. You need to be able to spend enough time together to determine that it IS worth continuing until you can be together. And if that does not occur in the time frame I suggested, then end it and move on. IMO, it's always worth meeting, if there is good potential. You won't know if that potential is real, or just fantasy, until you spend at least a little time together in person.
Author Rockett Posted September 4, 2018 Author Posted September 4, 2018 2 hours isn't long distance, it's GUD, geographically inconvenient. It's still not going to be easy but it's hardly insurmountable What is in the middle? He has offered to come to your city. Presumably he wants the "excitement" of the city. Pick a free or cheap touristy event for the date / meet up. See what happens. It seems silly to pass up the opportunity for a good thing just because you don't like his present address. You keep your expectations in check by reminding yourself this will be difficult. It's on the far end of what I'm looking for, but I videochatted with him tonight (for the first time), and it was really nice! I know from experience that even videochat doesn't necessarily translate into in-person chemistry, but he seems very thoughtful and personable, so I'm looking forward to meeting him. Thanks for the date tip- it will probably be an outdoor festival in town. Public, but outside and lots to see/do/eat. central- I agree, knowing is better than not knowing. At least you don't wonder 'what if'
Author Rockett Posted September 4, 2018 Author Posted September 4, 2018 IMO, it's better to meet sooner rather than later after you've had the time to build and invest in your artificial construct around who you think they are/want them to be. Meeting sooner than later offers less chance for over/underwhelming disappointment due to their not measuring up to what you've constructed through your emails/text messages. Yep this was definitely the case tonight- I had an idea of him based on his pictures and messages, but on videochat he was quite different from what I expected. Not that it was a bad thing, but seeing someone in real time has a way of reminding you how much of our idea of a person is really just projection. Guilty of that for sure! 1
DontBreakEven Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 I'm currently giving it a go with someone literally 25 hours away by car ... your 2 hour drive is a walk down the street lol. I believe you can have chemistry over email/text/skype, and from my experience it usually translates well in person. I had that with this recent person. We finally met up when I was only a few hours away from her area, and it was great. Now she's actually on her way down to my city for our 2nd meetup. Best of luck!
DontBreakEven Posted September 4, 2018 Posted September 4, 2018 Means zero. Words on a screen, nothing more. Maybe for you. I wholeheartedly disagree.
Author Rockett Posted September 13, 2018 Author Posted September 13, 2018 Hello everyone, Thanks for your suggestions last time. So I met up with the guy last weekend, and we had a really good time. We went for dinner and then went to hear some music. Had a lot of laughs, learned more about him and his family, and there was also good chemistry/flirting. He seems pretty shy, and so I just gave him a hug at the end of the date. He's coming up to my city again this weekend, and I'm having a hard time deciding what we should do for our second date. I'm thinking we should definitely go for a walk in one of the nice parks/trails in town, since he'll have had a long drive and will want to stretch his legs. The other thing I thought of for the evening was a comedy show, but I'm really not sure how that will go down. What if the show is bad, or if either of us doesn't think it's funny? Anyone been to a comedy club for an early date? Or do I just go the dinner/music route again? I feel like I'm the "big city" person, so I have to keep it interesting! Another idea I had was to go to one of the big ethnic grocery stores in town. We both like cooking this type of cuisine, and it would be a good opportunity to pick up some supplies and get some recipe tips from him. What do you think? Too weird for a second date? Save it for a possible future home date when we could cook together? Suggestions welcome
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2018 Posted September 14, 2018 If the comedy show is bad, you both make fun of it later. It's a bonding thing. My husband loves comedy shows; I'm not a fan especially if they are dirty. I just don't think somebody standing on a stage screaming the F word at me is funny. While I think the grocery shopping & cooking will be an awesome later date, I wouldn't do it now unless you are ready to be intimate. Asking a man in for a home cooked meal will be received as offering yourself up for dessert.
kendahke Posted September 14, 2018 Posted September 14, 2018 Maybe for you. I wholeheartedly disagree. And apparently for OP, too... She commented on this: I had an idea of him based on his pictures and messages, but on videochat he was quite different from what I expected. Not that it was a bad thing, but seeing someone in real time has a way of reminding you how much of our idea of a person is really just projection. Highndry is on point here.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted September 14, 2018 Posted September 14, 2018 Hello everyone, Thanks for your suggestions last time. So I met up with the guy last weekend, and we had a really good time. We went for dinner and then went to hear some music. Had a lot of laughs, learned more about him and his family, and there was also good chemistry/flirting. He seems pretty shy, and so I just gave him a hug at the end of the date. He's coming up to my city again this weekend, and I'm having a hard time deciding what we should do for our second date. I'm thinking we should definitely go for a walk in one of the nice parks/trails in town, since he'll have had a long drive and will want to stretch his legs. The other thing I thought of for the evening was a comedy show, but I'm really not sure how that will go down. What if the show is bad, or if either of us doesn't think it's funny? Anyone been to a comedy club for an early date? Or do I just go the dinner/music route again? I feel like I'm the "big city" person, so I have to keep it interesting! Another idea I had was to go to one of the big ethnic grocery stores in town. We both like cooking this type of cuisine, and it would be a good opportunity to pick up some supplies and get some recipe tips from him. What do you think? Too weird for a second date? Save it for a possible future home date when we could cook together? Suggestions welcome Good for you! There's no harm in trying something. I did flew down to see someone I met online (lots of vid chats before that point). Ended up not working out, but I don't really have regrets. I would keep home dates for the future, unless you are open to having sex. Maybe go out dancing/clubbing etc.
Author Rockett Posted September 14, 2018 Author Posted September 14, 2018 While I think the grocery shopping & cooking will be an awesome later date, I wouldn't do it now unless you are ready to be intimate. Asking a man in for a home cooked meal will be received as offering yourself up for dessert. Ugh so true! I'll file it away for later.
Author Rockett Posted September 14, 2018 Author Posted September 14, 2018 Good for you! There's no harm in trying something. I did flew down to see someone I met online (lots of vid chats before that point). Ended up not working out' date=' but I don't really have regrets. I would keep home dates for the future, unless you are open to having sex. Maybe go out dancing/clubbing etc.[/quote'] Thanks I am nervous, but so far so good, and I'm excited for our second date. Feels weird to have something go well though it's still early days. I feel like when we're younger (20s) we're shocked when things don't work out, and in our 30s+ we're amazed when things do go well! Life, I guess... I ended up suggesting we go to a park for a walk, then dinner out somewhere, then... wait for it... a board game cafe. He really liked the idea! Nerds of a feather...
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