I feel I drove him away

[Lost1961]

Hi, I'm feeling very alone, hurting and trying to understand. I need help as I have no one to talk to about how I feel.

 

I met a very mature aged widower online. We are so similar right down to food we choose, how we do our daily tasks, both of us fussy and particular and we connected on all levels.

 

Within a few weeks he sent me a prenup agreement as a draft, wanting a partner and offering to go on trips, provided with his wife's share of travel expenses just sitting in limbo. It was cold and had no allowance for love. His written words were that he would need to fall out of love with his deceased wife to ever truly love another and he could never fall out of love with her.

 

I dispelled the draft agreement, pushed forward hoping he would fall in love. His home was as it was when she passed, lot of photos and memories. Reminders as his phone screen saver, etc. This man was lonely and he'd been chasing around the market trying to find a companion. We seemed to gell. He told me within a few months that he loved me but around his family and friends he never showed affection. I was introduced as a friend. It took 6 months for his wife's closets to be emptied and he changed the main bedroom decor so that I could stop using the spare bedroom.

 

The relationship had rocky times. I couldn't speak directly to him, I didn't want to corner him directly, so I resorted to writing things in email. Fully respecting his wife, not asking for changes to his home, simply telling him how I was feeling about not feeling a proper part of his life. He placed some photos of me in the living area but then added more photos of his wife. He hid my photos from his cleaner and I found them hidden one day. He said he didn't want to get into discussions with his cleaner about me.

 

A relative of his told me that he would never love me passionately, truly romantically that I would only ever be a friend and companion because his wife was so special and he would never recover from her death. I raised this in email, being respectful and said I thought we would not work as I wanted more.

 

He was most upset and within a few weeks we reconciled with me believing I might have it wrong. We went overseas and he wasn't distant, no affection, no hand holding, his wife's photos as a screensaver on his laptop. He seemed to be pining for her. He was alarmed that some of his friends may have seen photos of him on my Facebook account through my friendship on there with him. I removed him from my list. On our return I addressed my thoughts again in written form, I just didn't want to corner him, it was far easier to respectfully write my thoughts without showing any negative emotions.

A week later we continued for the second leg of our trip, he didn't take his phone or laptop which had reminders of his wife. We had a very romantic time away.

 

I was hospitalised two months later. He visited three times in 2 weeks, clearly distressed at visiting a hospital, he said his dark days were returning from how he endured his wife's death. He seemed distant, had resumed a hobby which was occupying him. I felt so alone, very sick and that he could not support me.

 

In just one year we had written over 40,000 texts to each other. The first phone call I ever got from him was a year after we had started dating, a month after I left hospital. I couldn't collect the call and he then started calling my son, turned up at my home frantically looking for me. He was annoyed and said I had ignored him and blocked him off. I had recalled so many things adverse to him being in love with me, I felt just a friend to travel with and to fill a gap. I told him he needed time, our timing was wrong. We talked daily, in text, lots of romantic innuendo. After 6 weeks I asked if we could meet for lunch. He said his feelings had changed so I backed off. The texts continued, lots of flirting, he texted that he still loved me one Saturday. He said he was in a neutral mode and would decide in 2 months time when he returned from a solo trip he had just booked.

 

Naturally upset, I needed to know the possibility. One night I asked him directly what were the chances of reconciling. He said he felt it would be a no. I asked why he had texted so romantically, even that day and why he said he loved me still in text 4 days earlier. He said he loved me as a beautiful person but the romantic love had been squashed out of him.

 

He asked me to a show with him. I hesitated knowing it would really hurt. Yes, no, yes, no. I went last Friday night. It was a lovely dinner and show, I had asked him not to kiss or hug me to protect my pain from becoming visible. He walked me to my car, kissed me and hugged me, said goodbye and wished me well in life. I held strong but cried for the rest of the night. I didn't text him.

 

The next day I got a text thanking me for going to the show and again saying goodbye and wishing me a good life. It felt like he was ripping the boot in.

 

He wanted to remain friends in previous texts but I know that can't work. So I had told him that all contact was to sever after the night out.

I've responded to his text and said I love him dearly, wishing him well in life and asking for no further contact.

 

I feel like I've never felt before. I've never dated a widower who is half in half out. I've felt that this man feels he's betraying his deceased wife. I there is a 13 year age difference. I told him that I am older, this could be my last relationship so it has to count, I want to give and recieve the love I deserve and that he deserves. I don't want to waste my active years chasing a love that will never be given to me. He claims he is too old for me and that's what I've basically said. Not true.... I said I'm not getting any younger and I want true love or it's wasting my life.

 

I am really struggling, no eating, crying constantly, this man was my soul mate in similarities. I feel that I have done wrong and killed us because I couldn't settle for being a shadow. He said his past was complex and it challenged me. His past was not complex, he loved a woman and she died after a very long happy marriage. No complexity, he loved her, he lost her, he's grieving. It's not complex, he is hurting. still. It's my life too, what about my feelings and needs, he made our relationship complex... That's my belief.

 

I sit hoping this man will miss me, my phone used to chime a hundred times a day until last week. Photos of what he was doing, loving texts, memories. Now he's gone in a flash. Do I forget him,do I wait? I hurt so badly.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP. This man was never truly ready to date you, and I would not wait for him. He's stuck in a sad, dark place and he has a lot of emotions to process before he'd ever be available for a relationship. It might not ever happen. You didn't drive him away, because he was never really there to begin with.

 

The first huge red flag was the fact that he sent you some sort of prenup for dating - did that not strike you as totally bizarre? This is plain odd, and I would have turned around and walked then and there.

 

The next red flags, well, you already spotted them. He has not processed his wife's death. You tried to be patient and tiptoe around him but in the end, it didn't make a difference. He is just not mentally ready to accept the loss and move forward. He likely wants to be able to progress but as he got closer to you (someone new) it reminded him that his wife is really gone. It became too real for him, and he realized he cannot be a partner to someone else. He isn't ready to be with anyone that's not her, I feel. It's quite sad, really, but there's nothing you can do.

Edited September 2, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[FMW]

Don't do this to yourself. You deserve someone who is proud to be seen on your Facebook page and to introduce you as someone special to him, not just a friend. You deserve consistent affection and attention.

 

Holding on to him will only hurt you and diminish your overall happiness because you'll be too focused on what he is or isn't doing or saying to fully enjoy your life.

 

I'm so sorry for your heartache. He's told you and shown you that he is still hung up on his late wife, that doesn't seem likely to change. I wish you strength to move on and meet someone with whom you can have a mutually loving and satisfying relationship.

[Lost1961]

Thank you for responding expatinitaly.

 

Jees it hurts to invest so much time in a man I really loved. It's all made me feel like I'm a second rate person, I know I shouldn't feel that way as he and his wife had 45 years together, he's 70 and of course his memories are going to consume him. Half in half out never works. I have felt in recent days that it was my fault, that in time if I'd just put up with things he would have truly loved me. But that is not respecting me, it's only a sympathy vote.

 

Too many red flags but he seemed to try to say the right things to dispell them but the actions spoke louder than words.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're not a second-rate person. You just happened to look for love from a man who cannot give it to you.

[Lost1961]

It's been so cruel to tell me only a week ago in text that he still loves me, reviving all our memories and fun times, to be sending me hearts and romantic gestures to know all that time that he was never coming back.

 

Who does that stuff? Who says goodbye one night coldly in person, then texts a goodbye again the next day after I had deleted all traces of him on my phone. It took me 24 hours to respond telling him that all contact has to sever.

 

I feel like I've been put the a wringer.

 

I know I have to move on. I really need to thrash it out sensibly listening to these replies here which put it into perspective.

[FMW]

He probably really wants to be emotionally available to be with you and has had moments when he thought he might be, but then he started feeling guilty because he felt he was betraying his late wife. Thus the inconsistent and confusing actions.

[Lost1961]

Very true "finding my way"

 

The island holiday with absolutely no visible reminders of his deceased wife, no one he knows around to see us being romantic, one on one, was perfect. Put him back into his home, around his family and friends and whammo, betrayal and guilt.

 

Interestingly enough his upcoming holiday is to go back to where he and his wife visited frequently. He's reliving the past instead of finding a completely different location to create new memories.

 

He did make it clear that he will never remarry as he will not live with another woman. He wants to remain in their home with a partner residing in her own home. It keeps his home as a shrine I guess.

[ExpatInItaly]

The island holiday with absolutely no visible reminders of his deceased wife, no one he knows around to see us being romantic, one on one, was perfect. Put him back into his home, around his family and friends and whammo, betrayal and guilt.

 

Well, yes. He had a break from his own grief. I doubt it was intentional, but this is not unusual for the bereaved. I speak from experience. It is complicated and nearly impossible to explain to those who haven't had the misfortune of experiencing it first-hand. As you realize, you two don't exist in a vacuum and as soon as you were back to everyday reality, his everyday struggles returned.

 

You should have walked away long before now, to be fair. You saw many times along the way that he is not going to move on from this any time soon and be fully available for a relationship.

 

Next time, when you see so many red flags, don't stick around in hopes you can love someone into loving you. It doesn't usually work, and it's not worth overlooking them because you feel lonely and don't want to be single anymore. You deserve a man who is available from the get-go.

Edited September 3, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[Lost1961]

In all honesty we had 3 days back in each of our own homes inbetween both holidays. First 3 week holiday was awfully distanced. Second was like a honeymoon. But I knew back home reality would hit him again. He started to revert back to his normal self on the return trip home. I tried to address it, unsuccessfully as usual. Too much had been going on, I was upset still over the cold ignore on the first trip. I started to pull away and shut down, telling him he needed more time to grieve. That signalled the end, I think I feel I caused him to end us by being more unavailable. But I know he wasn't with me for the right reasons, he would never have given me his heart properly. I was simply filling a gap. I feel sadness for him. I wish his wife had never passed away.

 

I'm 57 and he is the only man I have ever truly admired. He would have been an amazing husband to his wife. I saw that from the moment I met him, maybe I wanted that amazing man for myself, to my own detriment. We can't always have what we want.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm 57 and he is the only man I have ever truly admired. He would have been an amazing husband to his wife. I saw that from the moment I met him, maybe I wanted that amazing man for myself, to my own detriment. We can't always have what we want.

 

There's nothing to say you won't find it somewhere else.

 

You sound like a very kind woman with a lot of love to give. The right man will be open to receiving it, and reciprocating it.

[Lost1961]

Thank you for your kind and helpful words expatinitaly

[BaileyB]

As the daughter of a man who has found another relationship after the death of my mother, the love of his life... I will say, it is a difficult dance to both remember and honour your loved one, and respect and grow a new relationship with another woman.

 

Grief does awful things to people. I have watched my father struggle with loneliness after the death of my mother... he clung to his new girlfriend like a lifeline in the early months after my mother’s death. I see the fear in his eyes when she has a health scare - it frightens me because I don’t know if he could endure another loss.

 

You seem like a lovely woman and I’m so sorry that this relationship didn’t work out for you... The sad reality is, we all move through our grief in different ways and in our own time. As much as he may have been hoping to find some companionship, he wasn’t ready to give his heart away again and in certain ways, move forward with his life...

[BaileyB]

The island holiday with absolutely no visible reminders of his deceased wife, no one he knows around to see us being romantic, one on one, was perfect. Put him back into his home, around his family and friends and whammo, betrayal and guilt.

 

I went on a holiday with a friend after my mother’s passing - about 6 months later. I went to dinner with my friend after enjoying a beautiful day exploring a new city... when she returned from the bathroom, she found me crying at the table... I had just realized that I had truly enjoyed the first day in over a year - since my mother’s illness and her passing. They were happy tears, not sad.

 

Flying home... it felt like I was picking up baggage and settling it around my neck, to carry everywhere I went, again... In some way, I had temporarily left my grief at home and distracted myself for a few days... But, when the sad reality of returning home was felt, the grief returned, with the stress of dealing with my family that were having difficult coping...

[Lost1961]

I'm so sorry to read of your loss BaileyB. To lose a parent is very difficult, I too have lost a parent, I understand your thoughts and feelings since that loss occurred.

 

I suspect this guy has the exact same fears as your father does. How do we endure the loss of another partner, very difficult to imagine.

 

I think what has rocked me is that while I was in hospital, in ICU, with serious respiratory issues, this man didn't seem to truly care. Every time I tried to tell him how sick I was he shut shutdown.I thought I was going to die. The first visit was for 10 mins. The next a half hour and the last visit at most an hour. He offered no support, saying it was taking him back to his dark days.

 

When I was finally released I told him that if I remained with him I would one day die alone. That in my final minutes I would like my partner to be holding my hand. I would do the same for him.

 

Ironically my xfiancee sat for 12 hours straight beside me in ICU on the first day and visited every second day with flowers and supplies for me. The comparison was mind blowing.

 

I understand the fear a widower would have with respect to losing a second partner. But if he's healed enough, if he loves his new partner, support should be granted despite fear.

 

This man wrote that he had given me many good times and tried to do good things for me. Road trips, dinners out, overseas holiday. I told him that although I appreciated his generosity, to receive and return love which has no monetary value is more important to me.

[Lost1961]

I am processing.

This man will only ever truly love one woman.

He's grieving but wants companionship.

He wants to enjoy life but not be a singleton. He wants to continue to travel but with someone beside him.

He wants affection behind closed doors but can't show any caring around family and friends, it's guilt that it might publicly minimise his love for and loss of his wife.

He wants to feel loved and wanted, it helps him to feel somewhat whole again.

This is going to be the story of his life, picking up women, declaring love to find they see the red flags. Stupidly because I loved the man I didn't leave. I tried to give him time and the end result was he left forever because as someone said here earlier.... He never really was here.

 

Last week he sent me a photo from 5 years ago of him smiling.

The caption read, "Five years back. In just 2 months a dreadful 2 years were to commence. One of my last relaxed smiles, I hope they return one day."

 

I guess that tells me that I never managed to put a genuine smile on his face.

Edited September 4, 2018 by Lost1961
Addition

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry to read of your loss BaileyB. To lose a parent is very difficult, I too have lost a parent, I understand your thoughts and feelings since that loss occurred.

 

I suspect this guy has the exact same fears as your father does. How do we endure the loss of another partner, very difficult to imagine.

 

I think what has rocked me is that while I was in hospital, in ICU, with serious respiratory issues, this man didn't seem to truly care. Every time I tried to tell him how sick I was he shut shutdown.I thought I was going to die. The first visit was for 10 mins. The next a half hour and the last visit at most an hour. He offered no support, saying it was taking him back to his dark days.

 

When I was finally released I told him that if I remained with him I would one day die alone. That in my final minutes I would like my partner to be holding my hand. I would do the same for him.

 

Ironically my xfiancee sat for 12 hours straight beside me in ICU on the first day and visited every second day with flowers and supplies for me. The comparison was mind blowing.

 

I understand the fear a widower would have with respect to losing a second partner. But if he's healed enough, if he loves his new partner, support should be granted despite fear.

 

Thank you. I am also sorry for your loss.

 

The only thing I will say is, he hasn’t healed enough. He may want to be there with you, but he hasn’t healed enough.

 

And truthfully, some people just can’t do it. My father was so uncomfortable in the hospital... every morning, he would take her coffee and then go to work. He would stop and visit with her at the end of the day. He could not stay, sit by her side, meet with the doctors... it made me so angry! But, I respected it. He was hurting so badly...

 

My parents have a friend who refuses to enter a hospital, following the death of his parents. I could never understand that - I feel as you do... support should be granted despite fear. But having lived this experience, I can understand it. It exhausts all coping skills... this past week, I was at the hospital with my boyfriend (he is fine). While he was resting, I sat by his side and the tears fell from my eyes... I was flooded with memories, I hate going to that hospital.

 

Try not to judge him harshly for his inability to cope. Sometimes in life, things happen that exhaust our ability to cope. It’s better to be kind, and to try not to pass judgment unless you have lived that same experience...

 

I’m glad you are recovered and feeling better. Best wishes.

[BaileyB]

 

Last week he sent me a photo from 5 years ago of him smiling.

The caption read, "Five years back. In just 2 months a dreadful 2 years were to commence. One of my last relaxed smiles, I hope they return one day."

 

I guess that tells me that I never managed to put a genuine smile on his face.

 

With all due respect, it’s not about you.

 

He lost his life partner, the woman he has loved for 45 years... The woman who had his children, with whom he raised a family, and shared his life. He suffered great trauma during her (presumed) illness and death. It may have been five years, but he is having difficulty processing his grief. It may as well have been five months.

 

I look at my life in two ways - life before my mother’s death, and life after her death. I feel like a very different person, having suffered that loss. I have lost things that I will never recover. I have grown in ways that I could never have imagined.

 

I look at photos of my family before her illness and I think, “We were happy then... it was before...” I look at photos of me before her illness and think “This girl was so young. Life was so easy. She has so much to learn, about life and loss.”

 

I mark anniversaries. My whole family marks anniversaries.

 

This is not about you and whether you put a smile on his face. He is grieving the loss of his wife before the anniversary of her illness... to be blunt, you could not have put a smile on his face because he has not done the grief work. You invested in a relationship with a man who was not ready, was not available to be what you wanted... Nothing you could have done would have changed that.

 

His comment was not about you. It was about him.

Edited September 4, 2018 by BaileyB

[Lost1961]

Very true BaileyB. I should have worded my sentences better. It IS about him and how badly he is still suffering and always will as to be expected with such a loss.

 

We had so many fun times and I thought when he smiled during those times that he was happy, in the moment that is. The reference to him not having been able to wear a relaxed smile in 5 years flew in the face of the many times he had told me how happy he was around me. What his photo and caption told me is that he tried to shield his grief but it was always foremost in his mind, even while with me. His smiles were superficial and unfortunately that has hurt me to know that.

 

You have and are still travelling along a hard road, death is so final and there are always things we wish we had said and done but will never get another chance. I lost a man I loved when he was 49 years of age to cancer, I have regrets about things I never got to say and do.

 

You sound like you have come from a very solid family where love has been very much given and received. You have spoken here from the heart with sound background, it is very much appreciated that you have taken the time to share your story. These forums where people like you contribute are so valuable. Thank you BaileyB.

[BaileyB]

We had so many fun times and I thought when he smiled during those times that he was happy, in the moment that is. The reference to him not having been able to wear a relaxed smile in 5 years flew in the face of the many times he had told me how happy he was around me.

 

I completely understand.

 

Thank you for your kind words. And for you, you deserve to have a man who will smile with you and because of you. You deserve to have a man who will love you the way you want to be loved. Unfortunately, at this time in his life, this is not your man... I'm sorry.