Nachocheese Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 Hello. My partner for 5years and my fiance for 3weeks broke up with me recently. Im 29 and she is 27 yrs old. She broke up with me because of the lack of communication and connection that was building up. And with the proposal and marriage coming in, she finally realized that she is not ready to live a life with me and my job. I work at an airline where our schedules are tight (always out of town). She said she lost belief in us. I am devastated and heartbroken. Reality just hit me hard. I know I could have given more effort on our relationship but it’s too late. Our relationship was not toxic, it just fizzled out because I neglected her. Right now I just want to work on my shortcomings and be a better person (not for her but for me). And maybe one day Ill be able to provide the comfort and attention m partner deserves (it might be her or another person). Our break up was sweet as we said our goodbyes and I have not contacted her ever since. And I am planning on not to. Maybe 1-2 months, i will. I honestly do not know.. I do not want to think of the future right now. I just want to live in the present to grieve and learn my mistakes. Even if deep down inside I want us to have another chance. Based on my story, how bad is the break up? Should I just 100% move on. Is there 0% chance to fight for this? We were so solid except for the last couple of months.
cbfh Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 Hello. My partner for 5years and my fiance for 3weeks broke up with me recently. Im 29 and she is 27 yrs old. She broke up with me because of the lack of communication and connection that was building up. And with the proposal and marriage coming in, she finally realized that she is not ready to live a life with me and my job. I work at an airline where our schedules are tight (always out of town). She said she lost belief in us. I am devastated and heartbroken. Reality just hit me hard. I know I could have given more effort on our relationship but it’s too late. Our relationship was not toxic, it just fizzled out because I neglected her. Right now I just want to work on my shortcomings and be a better person (not for her but for me). And maybe one day Ill be able to provide the comfort and attention m partner deserves (it might be her or another person). Our break up was sweet as we said our goodbyes and I have not contacted her ever since. And I am planning on not to. Maybe 1-2 months, i will. I honestly do not know.. I do not want to think of the future right now. I just want to live in the present to grieve and learn my mistakes. Even if deep down inside I want us to have another chance. Based on my story, how bad is the break up? Should I just 100% move on. Is there 0% chance to fight for this? We were so solid except for the last couple of months. Well, I can say that I'm going through a similar situation now to an extent. As far as getting her back (by No contact I mean) it really depends on what kind of a person she is and what her past experiences with breakups were. She could regret leaving you very easily and fast, but still decide to move on because in her past she had similar situations where she was "beating a dead horse" and probably got hurt even more. So it depends really. It's a game of fortune in the end, like rolling the dice. That's what I think. People change all the time and you never know. I apologize for my Eastern-European English.
preraph Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 It is hard to hold a marriage and family together if you are gone all the time, and I know many airline jobs are brutal that way. I hear most flight attendants don't even have a home. They just stay in those temporary places all the time. Only you know if there's any way to work yourself into a position where you can come home at least every couple of days and be part of a family or not. If so, you need to work towards it. It's daunting to think about starting a family and not having your mate there to physically help you with it all. I think if you could give her assurances there was hope for that, she might be more willing to work on it or wait until such time as that happens to marry. Good luck.
Author Nachocheese Posted September 3, 2018 Author Posted September 3, 2018 Well, I can say that I'm going through a similar situation now to an extent. As far as getting her back (by No contact I mean) it really depends on what kind of a person she is and what her past experiences with breakups were. She could regret leaving you very easily and fast, but still decide to move on because in her past she had similar situations where she was "beating a dead horse" and probably got hurt even more. So it depends really. It's a game of fortune in the end, like rolling the dice. That's what I think. People change all the time and you never know. I apologize for my Eastern-European English. What do you mean by getting her back by no contact? Either way I think the right thing to do is just assume that there is no more hope and accept the fact that it is over. but I feel like I cant let this slip without even trying one last time down the road. I will focus on myself first. Grieve, acknowledge my mistakes and try to best that I can be. Then maybe in the near future I can attempt to contact her (if she has not contacted me yet) and try my luck. If it only ends up in another hearthache, then at least I was still able to improve my shortcomings as a person. If goes well then I might be just one lucky guy. Being a better person will help me deal with future relationships. However, One of my problem is this. She broke up with me because I was unintentionally distant and neglected her in someway. I am just scared that going no contact might give her the signal that I truly do not care for her.
d0nnivain Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 You don't get somebody back through NC. NC is about healing yourself. You are correct, Nachocheese, that especially because she broke up with you because you didn't give her enough attention, ignoring her now will only cement in her mind that she did the right thing breaking up with you. The "problem" for her is that while you were an OK BF & she tried to be accepting of your job that took you away a lot, once that ring was on her finger & she realized that marriage meant a life time of you being gone & her looking like a single parent given your travel schedule, she knew she didn't want that. I suppose if your job changed, you two might have a chance, but don't go looking for a career you don't like just to get her back. The break up might be more then just the job.
Author Nachocheese Posted September 3, 2018 Author Posted September 3, 2018 You don't get somebody back through NC. NC is about healing yourself. You are correct, Nachocheese, that especially because she broke up with you because you didn't give her enough attention, ignoring her now will only cement in her mind that she did the right thing breaking up with you. The "problem" for her is that while you were an OK BF & she tried to be accepting of your job that took you away a lot, once that ring was on her finger & she realized that marriage meant a life time of you being gone & her looking like a single parent given your travel schedule, she knew she didn't want that. I suppose if your job changed, you two might have a chance, but don't go looking for a career you don't like just to get her back. The break up might be more then just the job. I totally agree. It’s not just the job but a combination of it all adding up for her to break up with me. I am just in this roller coaster of emotions. First, I am so empowered on focusing on myself. Next, I am determined to improve then take a chance at gettig her back and start a brand new relationship. Sometimes, I am convinced that there is someone she has a feeling for besides me. Sometimes, I just cry like hell and feel abandoned and useless. As of now, I really do not know. I just want to stop feeling...
d0nnivain Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 It's still a new fresh hurt. Your emotions will be all over the place for a while. Hang in there.
Author Nachocheese Posted September 3, 2018 Author Posted September 3, 2018 Yes. Ill do my best to hang on and survive this very very painful experience. BTW, thank you for your replies. As you already know I fly a lot and im far away from my friends and family. I feel alone most of the time. (Even prior to this break up) And you guys are my support group when im out of the country. Thanks a lot.
Author Nachocheese Posted September 6, 2018 Author Posted September 6, 2018 I know NC is not about manipulation and winning back your ex. It's about having real time to reflect etc. If the reason for the break up was me neglecting her and taking her for granted. Having spent little time with her. Poor communication. Won't foing NC just prove the point that I am taking her for granted. How do I focus on self improvement while showing I care?
PegNosePete Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 I know NC is not about manipulation and winning back your ex. Are you sure you know that? Because your question seems to suggest exactly that. Do you want to move on with the minimum amount of hurt to both parties? If yes, then NC will help. If no, then you need to elaborate on what you want and why.
Author Nachocheese Posted September 6, 2018 Author Posted September 6, 2018 Are you sure you know that? Because your question seems to suggest exactly that. Do you want to move on with the minimum amount of hurt to both parties? If yes, then NC will help. If no, then you need to elaborate on what you want and why. No I do not want to move on with the minimum amount of hurt to both parties. I want to take this time to become a better person and then try one last time to make it work now that I am better. I know I might face another rejection but I am ready to face that given that I have truly changed and improved (however long it takes). I am just not sure if NC is the right thing to do. NC will help me improve but it will also show that I am truly not there for her. (during the relationship and even after the breakup).
basil67 Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 NC is not about reflection. It's about moving on without them being a constant reminder of the past. Therefore, if you go NC, the message is sends is that you're moving on. Has she given ANY indication that she wants to rekindle? Because I don't imagine a fiance would break off an engagement without a lot of thought.
Author Nachocheese Posted September 6, 2018 Author Posted September 6, 2018 (edited) NC is not about reflection. It's about moving on without them being a constant reminder of the past. Therefore, if you go NC, the message is sends is that you're moving on. Has she given ANY indication that she wants to rekindle? Because I don't imagine a fiance would break off an engagement without a lot of thought. It all started a night before the actual breakup. where she said she needs a time off and a time to rethink so she called of the engagement. A the end of that conversation, I said "let's end this" (yes.. my emotion got the best of me because I got hurt when she said she lost faith on me changing my habits). The next day when I woke up I messaged her and told her we needed to talk in person and that we can't do this through messaging. That day we talked and she wanted to breakup. (she said she was not sure of the decision.. but at that very moment that's what felt right). I asked if she could give it one last chance. She said "no, we already tried this and it always return (me being passive, neglecting etc.)" and so I accepted it because deep down inside I knew the only way I'm going to change is by going on our separate ways. Reflecting and actually working for change. We acknowledged that possibility that this break up might be a stepping stone for a more solid relationship with each other or a new partner. We said our goodbyes. Honestly, there are a lot things that was left unsaid.. In a short time I already have realized my mistakes (not just in our relationship but in LIFE). I have been super independent during the last year or so.. I actually forgot what matters to me the most.. My relationship with my loved ones and friends.. I was like a robot cruising through life during those years, which she had to bare (I respect her for that). I never felt this alive for a long time to be honest. The pain.. the abandonment.. the rejection.. the bittersweet memories.. everything.. destroyed that "robot". I got sucked into the demands of work, I forgot about everyone! but now I'm back Anyway, I am truly doing all the best to improve and I know that it does not matter what happens in the end as long as I improve. BUT to be honest.. It feels so wrong to just leave without any contact (like I mentioned, there were so many things that were left unsaid). I also feel that I should "fight" for it even for one last time even if it ends up with another rejection because it is worth fighting. I can take a hit of another rejection. It just feels so weird that it ended like this. Now, it's my "gameplan brain" doing its work. Just like when deciding how to court a girl, now I'm also thinking of ways to make my chances of proving myself to her higher. So I might not go NC then.. I dont want to send the idea that I am moving on. I might appear like the victim/doormat etc. That's ok. I think for a change its my turn to be the one trying to correct this (she did for a loooong time). I just need discipline and not be needy. hmm Sorry if there were any redundancies on my objectives. Maybe someone can point it out and make it clearer. What i need now is this.. should I tell her my intentions now by contacting her? PS. This is the first time we broke up. We had a 1week and a 3day "time off" in our 5yrs relationship. Edited September 6, 2018 by Nachocheese
Happy Lemming Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 ... she said she lost faith on me changing my habits). Why do you have to change?? Why couldn't she accept you for who you are?? So you worked hard at your job... That is a good trait!! And yet, she manipulated your "hard work ethic" into this "robot" theme. I'm sure a lot of people are wishing their partner had a better work ethic. I jumped through so many hoops when I was engaged trying to satisfy my fiancee, I felt like a trained seal. I lost my dignity and let her dictate too many aspects of my life. Do not give your ex-fiancee that power!! Do not try to "win her back". Are you going to fold every time she decides that you need to change some aspect of who you are, so she won't leave again?? You've jumped through enough hoops!!
Author Nachocheese Posted September 6, 2018 Author Posted September 6, 2018 Why do you have to change?? Why couldn't she accept you for who you are?? So you worked hard at your job... That is a good trait!! And yet, she manipulated your "hard work ethic" into this "robot" theme. I'm sure a lot of people are wishing their partner had a better work ethic. I jumped through so many hoops when I was engaged trying to satisfy my fiancee, I felt like a trained seal. I lost my dignity and let her dictate too many aspects of my life. Do not give your ex-fiancee that power!! Do not try to "win her back". Are you going to fold every time she decides that you need to change some aspect of who you are, so she won't leave again?? You've jumped through enough hoops!! I understand what you are saying. but the "robot theme" is what I termed myself doing. It was outside of work really. How I communicated with her. My efforts and interaction was without a doubt lacking. Robot - meaning I was detached. I got too complacent. She felt ignored. (and it is valid) that is why I want to change.
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