I feel like I have a hard time attracting women because of my boring life.

[CarAndZam]

Ok so here’s what I mean.

 

Yesterday I went to hang out with my cousin and his friends. Now these guys are natural when it comes to attracting women. . Bodies count above 20-30. High levels of confidence and conventionally attractive so to speak. I’m different. I don’t have too much confidence and self esteem due to years of being picked on at school (I’m 20 by the way). I’m unattractive. Skinny fat, acne, ugly face. Worst part is that I’m 6’5 tall, so I feel even uglier since I stand out more. I’ve currently lifting and riding my bike and eating less to cut down the fat. After I do, I’ll bulk up to gain muscle. As for acne, I’ve tried lots of things and the scars won’t go away. Not sure what to do. And I really suck with women. I’ve gone on dates with 5 different girls, with only 2 being successful. One almost turned into a relationship. The other one was a cool FWB type of thing. Anyways...

 

I was telling them about the two dates I had with this girl this past weekend (it didn’t work out by the way) and they were giving me advice. Whenever I hang out with my cousin and his friends, I always get really insecure and jealous because of how successful they are with women. It’s like my flaws and insecurities are amplified when I’m with them and makes me feel ****ty.

 

What all these guys have in common is that they drink a lot. Lots of beer and shots. Plus they go clubbing a lot and go to bars. They’re tattooed as well. They have social media and slide into girl’s DMs no problem.

 

I however am more different. Much more. You could say I have a boring life.

 

- I don’t drink or do any drugs. My parents have allowed me to drink since I was 16 (I’m 20 now) but I never liked it.

 

- I don’t go to clubs or bars. I feel like it isn’t my scene. Plus, because of my tinnitus (an ear problem) I can’t go to loud places. Including concerts.

 

- I don’t have social media for the most part. Just Snapchat. I deleted it back in April because I wasted way too much time on it. It was bad for me because I kept looking at my sort of ex’s social media every single day. Thankfully, I’ve gone 5 months without looking into her at all!

 

- I don’t have any tattoos or piercings. I know they have off a bad boy vibe but they’re really not my thing. I don’t like them on others and wouldn’t like them on myself.

 

- Even my music taste are not interesting to people. I a huge metal head. Mostly 80s/90s black metal and death metal stuff. I do enjoy jazz and classical and hip hop as well. But I don’t like stuff like Drake and Post Malone and all them at crap.

 

I’m not judging anyone who does the things above, just saying it’s not thing.

 

And I feel like a lot of first dates nowadays are expected to be getting drinks. I feel like girls want guys to take them to drink or go to clubs but that’s not me.

 

Any advice? Stuff I like to do is lifting, riding my bike (been doing so for 5 weeks), play video games, watching films (like the critically acclaimed/Oscar nominated ones. I really love watching films), collecting vinyl records, building LEGO sets (it calms the mind), meditating, and of course reading both books and comics books. (I like reading both self improvement books and fictional books. Like right now I’m currently reading Dune and A Guide to Living a Good Life for example). And of course, I have a job with my parents in their business and I go to university.

[SunnyWeather]

just keep being you. you sound like a fine, young man. this is the time to form your own opinions, develop intellectually and emotionally, and evolve into the man you want to be--this will attract the kind of mate you want to be with.

 

go to events that interest you. get involved with your studies and develop who you are on your own terms, not what the status quo is.

 

lead by example.

[ppc]

Seems like there's nothing wrong with you, it doesn't seems a boring life. Boring life would be if you wouldnt have any hobby and this would make you not able to talk about anything that would be boring in my eyes. If you read/watch movies/biking/lifting thats all great stuffs. An exciting life is not just about having party and getting drunk all the time.

 

I know how low selfesteem feels like, but you should quitting to compare yourself to other guys, especially if you dont like that type they are. Do you have any other friend except your cousin?

 

And the scars will disappaer, just be patient

 

If you dont like drinking then grab a coffe with your dates or take them to a teahouse.

[losangelena]

I got news for you, honey. Tattoos and drinking don't make a person interesting. And I say that as someone with tattoos who drinks.

[d0nnivain]

I don't see where any of that makes you boring.

 

Go see a dermatologist about the acne scars. There are things that can be done.

 

Do take some advice from your cousin about techniques to be a successful dater but step # 1 will always be believe in yourself. You being so down on yourself is your biggest obstacle. Girls can see the proverbial black cloud over your head.

 

Keep up with the biking & the good diet. Perhaps join a biking group to meet more like minded people. Instead of looking for a tattooed pierced drunk girl in a club, wouldn't you rather have a partner who can ride with you?

[Whodatdog]

All those things that describe yourself are great things. Be proud of who you are. There are so many girls out there complaining about guys, all they do is drink and drugs, you are a catch. You have to think of yourself that way. Its not boring, its great character. Keep up on your interests, and you will find someone with the same interests as you. You have lots of time.

[Happy Lemming]

As far as meeting people, bars and clubs aren't for everyone. You sound like an intellectual type to me, maybe someone with an engineering mind?? Maybe go some place where other intellectuals hang out. I know I've suggested this in other threads but are there any used book stores in your area??

 

And as another poster suggested, a local bicycle club is a great idea. I went to my local bicycle store and inquired about a riding group and they pointed me to a more relaxed group in my age range that I could ride with.

 

As for your acne scars, I had them in my youth and yes, they eventually all went away.

[pandagirl2018]

Maybe instead of doing so much stuff, you should learn to love yourself as you are.

 

Cultivate a relationship with yourself, take care of yourself, love yourself UNCONDITIONALLY. Step up your self-esteem and self worth.

 

THEN you can attract someone who will also love you for you are, as a reflection of the love you feel for yourself and can give another.

 

Loving someone has nothing to do with having a nice body and lifting and being confident, etc.

 

It's about the energy and the VIBES you give out into the world. And it starts with you loving yourself first.

[preraph]

Okay now I'm curious. If you have tinnitus such that you can't go out to clubs how are you able to listen to loud music? Just curious.

 

Except for bike riding all of your hobbies are solitary ones. You have got to take up something that requires you to get out and socialize. You can't expect to be able to sit at home and play video games and someone to drop into your lap. You can watch movies with someone, watching movies is no way to meet someone. you need to keep trying to find hobbies and pastimes that actually put you in contact with other people. Maybe you join a kayaking meet up or something, or hiking.

 

Acne can be gotten rid of even the scars but it cost a lot at the dermatologist. It's going to be a series of treatments at the dermatologist. You're probably looking at a couple thousand dollars. In my opinion it would be worth getting a second job to do that, but if you're still having active acne, it would be an ongoing thing. If your acne is not erupting anymore then you should be able to get rid of the scars. I've actually seen them do it on television.

 

You're on the right track working on your body. You have a height advantage, so of course you want to fully take advantage of that by getting your body in proportion. So it's good you're working out and you should keep up the bicycling and maybe add hiking and you will at least come in contact with a few people if you're hiking. Go to a Scenic location where people enjoy sightseeing and Hike there or join a hiking Meetup.

 

just because you don't drink or do drugs does not mean you can't buy a girl a drink and have a non alcoholic beverage. there are people who don't drink or party much like you but of course they're not out at the clubs unless it's a music Club, would you say your tinnitus keeps you from going to but you can listen to it at home which makes no sense to me. Maybe it's because you could control the volume.

 

So on dates you can always make the first what I coffee date or an ice cream parlor date. You need to be willing to take her out to lunch or dinner or movies or both on the 2nd and further dates. and you know you can go out to lunch or dinner alone and that's another way to meet people. I dine out alone frequently because I like eating out. I mostly do it at lunch.

 

if you have time on your hands another thing you should consider is getting a second job where you're only working maybe 16 hours a week on your days off from your main job and making it a fun social job that isn't necessarily that lucrative, such as working retail or at some sports or leisure activity. At casual jobs even such as serving at restaurants or retail you meet a lot of people a lot of people. And you make a lot of friends and the more friends you make the bigger your network becomes and the more your chances increase of meeting someone that you want to date.

 

Your situation is not impossible but you have some work to do on yourself and on your activities to get yourself social. Good luck.

[MaleIntuition]

Uhm, so, let’s be real here. You work out. You work in the family business. You are attending university, and you relax with normal stuffs (games/books/tv). That’s not boring. That’s normal, and pretty much what one can expect from a 20 year old. And, I should not need to point this out; but boring is subjective - the books you read will improve your conversations, your music taste is more interesting than popmusic. The most tragic people I know are those who reach their thirties and even forties and still think that clubbing is what makes them fun.

 

Well balanced people don’t measure their success in life based on “body count”, that is what we call external validation, which is at best unreliable and at worst a shortcut to narcissism. The opposite of that is internal validation. I’m not a love yourself hippie, but those people do have some points - if you don’t even like your hobbies, why have them in the first place? Only you can define what success means to you.

[BaileyB]

None of what you do would be a turn off for me. The fact that you don't drink, do drugs, or have tattoos would actually be a major turn on...

 

Your interests are just that, your interests. Is everyone going to have similar interests - absolutely not. But, the good thing is... You don't have to have the same interests as the woman you date (although having a few common interests gives you something fun to do, together).

 

There is a lid for every pot. You just have to find your lid.

 

If I may, the important thing is - you have interests that fill your soul and make you happy. The people that are truly boring are those who have no interests, no goals in life... The important thing for you may just be staying open to new things, given that have some things that are definite interests to you... Being open to new ideas, being flexible, and being willing to compromise (take one for the team by listening to music that may not be your favorite, but she likes...) is always helpful...

[kendahke]

What do you like to do that involves mingling with other people? You listed:

 

Stuff I like to do is lifting,

riding my bike (been doing so for 5 weeks),

play video games,

watching films (like the critically acclaimed/Oscar nominated ones.

I really love watching films),

collecting vinyl records,

building LEGO sets (it calms the mind),

meditating, and of course reading both books and comics books. (I like reading both self improvement books and fictional books. Like right now I’m currently reading Dune and A Guide to Living a Good Life for example).

What you describe here are things one does by themselves, for the most part.

 

Have you gone after girls who play video games? What about girls who like to watch a lot of movies? Where are your friends?

 

What you like to do, in an of itself, is fine--but if you're spending most of your time by yourself and not doing things in which other people (read: girls) are taking part in, then you're not going to build the requisite confidence your cousin and his boys have already built.

 

Since what you like to do isn't compatible with what your cousin and his boys do (the drinking, clubbing, etc.), then it's time to weed out your cousin and his boys as your only social outlet and develop a new circle who aren't out getting drunk and plowing through girls.

 

 

AS far as your acne concerns: find a dermatologist in your area. In the meantime look up Dr. Sandra Lee. She's got some amazing products that really help to address acne.

Edited September 3, 2018 by kendahke

[mortensorchid]

I'm a woman in my 40s now, you are a man in your 20s. There is a world of difference between you and me. But I can tell you that women in their 20s are looking still for "bad boys" which the others sound like. Are they good for LTRs with women? Sounds like not. And they like it that way. When you are in your early / mid twenties, you're not an adult yet. You think you are, buy you aren't. Your mentality is still very much that of a teenager's but you don't know it at the time. You may have a 9-5 job but your priority is to be out partying until the wee hours, rock music, and having a very good time. But I digress ...

 

As for your physical issues I have this to say about it having not seen a photo of you: Work on it. Loose weight, work out, get in shape. You will feel good about yourself physically as well as mentally, and people will treat you better. I used to be 40 lbs heavier than I am now, I notice the difference in how people treat me, be they close friends or strangers on the street.

 

I have the opposite problem : I have a very exciting, active life, and men don't like me because they see me as an oddity who doesn't like sitting at home and doing nothing but taking care of them. What can I say? It's how I am. But keep on trying, don't loose hope. You have many years ahead of you.

[Garcon1986]

Learning through my many dating failures - the most attractive bloke is a bloke who is able to generate emotional connection through a genuine, refined version of himself. Be the highest, most refined version of yourself, and share excitement, and the dates will come. You have a huge community here who can help you each step of the way.