cbfh Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 Hi everyone, I want to say that I appreciate you taking your time reading what I'm about to write. Also, English is not my native language so I'll probably mess up somewhere. Now, my ex (what a horrible and stupid word for a person) girlfriend left me almost 3 months ago. We were together for about 18 months, 12 of which we lived together in a rented apartment. This below is the mail I send to a "dating" coach asking for help, so I want you to read it first before I add some more things : "...She told me that she has cooled down (an expression we use here in my country that basically means she lost attraction) starting a couple of weeks ago. I believe that the thing that started everything was me getting caught in a white lie. It was about something stupid that included another girl and some male colleagues but I thought we had settled it then and there. That was on the 9th of May. Later on we had two more arguments about something seemingly unimportant and I can't really say that we were fighting - just arguing. Before that everything seemed okay at least in my mind. No sings of things to come but it all did suddenly 2 weeks ago, one afternoon while we were sitting and watching TV together. I've noticed that something wasn't right and that we kinda started to behave indifferent to each other for the last two or maybe three days. Then I started asking her about it and after basically mining every word and thought out of her - she told me that our relationship is not repairable and it can't be saved. I accepted her decision, apologized for all those things, said I love her and rushed out of the room for a walk and when I came back after one hour, she was gone. As far as No contact goes, I don't initiate anything but she texts me almost everyday asking things about our apartment, how I am and what I'm doing. I take the last two as her just trying to be polite, noting more and I've already answered in a similar fashion that you just recommended to me because I've watched your videos. She even send me pictures of her brothers baby boy - a thing she always did when we were happily together. I'm eager to start the No contact phase because I feel it's the only way either for her to reverse her decision at some point, or me to move on faster but it's hard to even begin when she's still in our apartment while I'm at my parents house 60 miles away. Thankfully, now I have your detailed advice on what to do and I know that If I don't start fresh and improve myself emotionally I don't have a chance re-attracting her. It's apparent that she going through the breakup just now and that she didn't plan on leaving me or at least she didn't go through that process in her head until I messed up by pulling her by the tongue. I just can't understand when she says that it's hard for her not to contact me and stay in touch but is none the less still firmly moving out and breaking up. She appears cold and somewhat seems like a different person to me." A week after sending this email I called her and she just confirmed that she lost attraction/interest and shortly after that moved out. I was devastated. Completely crushed and paralyzed. I couldn't eat, I slept too much and cried every day. It's been exactly 60 days of No contact and I've been going to a therapist weekly, lost 12 kg (26 pounds), went out, started to eat healthy again, even had a couple of one night stands. I'm a fairly good looking guy and I'm good with woman but I'm emotionally just hooked on her. I'm struggling now with horrible separation anxiety and OCD. I'm in a vicious cycle of memories, hope, pain, regret etc... Got antidepressants prescribed and I'm starting with them tomorrow. Hope they can at least get me in a straight line. Her 33rd birthday is this Tuesday and I don't know If I should send her a text. I really want to have a conversation with her. She uses no social media and all I have is her "last seen" option on whatsapp. It's a mystery how someone who loved me that much can just leave like that and not even ask If I'm alive? I mean, we've been through some tough times together. Hospitals, failed businesses, broken friendships... I was financing us 90% of the time. I know that's not closely enough for love but come on, just a simple "how are you" would be a sign of any humanity left here. I was left guessing with 0 closure and have no clue what I did or didn't do wrong. There's a lot more to this and our relationship of course. So many details. We stopped having sex last couple of months because she has/had health issues. At least I think that was the case. As I said, I'm left guessing now. I still want to believe that she's going to reach out at some point. Hope didn't die in me yet. It's basically everything I have now together with Craig Kenneth's videos. They sooth my depression and anxiety. Be as it is, I want to know your experiences and thoughts regarding my case. Do exes come back and how often? Is that even an option when they moved out after living together?
Young mind Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 Mate, it’s like a circle, or chasing ones tail, the more you keep that light of hope on, the less you heal, the lesser you progress. Craig Kenneth etc, are quite popular because a day, months maybe after the break up, healing, acceptance hasn’t kicked in, thus the reason their message appeals to you. I had my break up last September, I watched 1 million of those videos, it felt like they were talking to me directly, those stories could almost be replaced with my name . I came back maybe last month to watch them , and those videos are nothing more than fairytales, and you will see after a couple of months. Few things I will like to kick in, you are projecting your feelings to your ex, once a relationship is over , in most cases, it never reconciles, your ex says all of that to soften the blow, i think you’ve been in a situation of a love interest, you either wanted the person or not, if she wanted to be in a relationship with you, you won’t be here now, take that simple analogy as closure. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care for you or “love you”, but the relationship is over and everyone must move on. I write here from my 1 year experience, I couldn’t imagine feeling any better in my life my life until I accepted and moved on
Author cbfh Posted September 2, 2018 Author Posted September 2, 2018 Mate, it’s like a circle, or chasing ones tail, the more you keep that light of hope on, the less you heal, the lesser you progress. Craig Kenneth etc, are quite popular because a day, months maybe after the break up, healing, acceptance hasn’t kicked in, thus the reason their message appeals to you. I had my break up last September, I watched 1 million of those videos, it felt like they were talking to me directly, those stories could almost be replaced with my name . I came back maybe last month to watch them , and those videos are nothing more than fairytales, and you will see after a couple of months. Few things I will like to kick in, you are projecting your feelings to your ex, once a relationship is over , in most cases, it never reconciles, your ex says all of that to soften the blow, i think you’ve been in a situation of a love interest, you either wanted the person or not, if she wanted to be in a relationship with you, you won’t be here now, take that simple analogy as closure. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care for you or “love you”, but the relationship is over and everyone must move on. I write here from my 1 year experience, I couldn’t imagine feeling any better in my life my life until I accepted and moved on Thank you for replying man. I also felt that I was getting "blue pilled" by those videos. Go no contact on a hot ex woman and expect her to come back? Seems legit, sure. Although I have to admit, those videos inspired me to go 2 months of No Contact fairy easily. Her coming back was just a matter of time I thought. I actually feel worse now then right after the break up. That's what happens I guess when you get attached to the outcome. I would like to put out that little flame of hope that I have inside however painful it may be but I'm not sure that I know how.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 Sorry you're hurting, OP. It seems this relationship started to go downhill a couple months before she actually broke up with you. A lack of intimacy is a big sign something is wrong. I know you said she has health issues, but you are wondering if that was really the case. Also, why were you financing so much of the relationship? Why did you move in together so quickly? I am just trying to get a sense of the overall dynamic of your relationship. It might explain what ultimately led to her departure. As for whether or not she will come back, I am going to say it's not likely. She lived with you, so she knows what everyday life is like in the context of the relationship. For whatever reason, that doesn't appeal to her. Most times, people don't come back for more. Finally, if you've been No Contact the last couple months, I wouldn't bother with a birthday text. It won't make you feel better if she doesn't reply, or she replies with a mere "Thanks!", or she replies and shares what she has planned to celebrate, which doesn't include you. I just wouldn't reopen the wound.
Author cbfh Posted September 3, 2018 Author Posted September 3, 2018 Sorry you're hurting, OP. It seems this relationship started to go downhill a couple months before she actually broke up with you. A lack of intimacy is a big sign something is wrong. I know you said she has health issues, but you are wondering if that was really the case. Also, why were you financing so much of the relationship? Why did you move in together so quickly? I am just trying to get a sense of the overall dynamic of your relationship. It might explain what ultimately led to her departure. As for whether or not she will come back, I am going to say it's not likely. She lived with you, so she knows what everyday life is like in the context of the relationship. For whatever reason, that doesn't appeal to her. Most times, people don't come back for more. Finally, if you've been No Contact the last couple months, I wouldn't bother with a birthday text. It won't make you feel better if she doesn't reply, or she replies with a mere "Thanks!", or she replies and shares what she has planned to celebrate, which doesn't include you. I just wouldn't reopen the wound. Ty so much for the reply. Well, she told me that it all went downhill from the moment she caught me hiding that text from her. That would be a month before the breakup. Now, we didn't really ever fight but she had trust issues with me I believe. Nothing to serious but small things like saying I threw away the trash but I really didn't etc... I neglected her and her friends because I couldn't really click with them. On the other side, I trust her. She never lied or hid anything. Never said something and then changed her statement. I have no reason to believe that she somehow faked her health problems. I mean, I was at the doctors with her almost every time. As far as financing goes, I did it because I was the only one being financed by my parents. She didn't ask anything from me in those terms but I had to do it. For the first six months of our relationship we lived separately but then at the same time we both were left without a place to stay so it was the only reasonable thing we could've done at that time - move in together. She was broke all the time, and tried everything to earn money but it just didn't work out for her. I payed for 3 vacations and financed everything except her clothing. It hurts that after everything, she won't even ask me how I am. I would be hurt if a friend did that to me, not to mention a romantic partner who I loved so much.
d0nnivain Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 You admit there was a white lie about a text & another woman. She doesn't believe you & thinks you cheated on her. Thus she ended things. Once it's gone trust is a tough thing to regain. Because she was calling you every day, I think you sending her a Birthday text would be OK. Normally I am very much against this because it's pointless. But here it will do 1 of 2 things both of which will be good for you. Most likely she will ignore you or it won't even go through because she blocked you. This should be the last nail in the coffin & give you the impetus to move forward because you will finally understand that all hope is lost & this is over. If she responds you have the opportunity to try to talk to her & work this out.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 Why was she always broke? Could she not hold down a job, or?
Author cbfh Posted September 3, 2018 Author Posted September 3, 2018 You admit there was a white lie about a text & another woman. She doesn't believe you & thinks you cheated on her. Thus she ended things. Once it's gone trust is a tough thing to regain. Because she was calling you every day, I think you sending her a Birthday text would be OK. Normally I am very much against this because it's pointless. But here it will do 1 of 2 things both of which will be good for you. Most likely she will ignore you or it won't even go through because she blocked you. This should be the last nail in the coffin & give you the impetus to move forward because you will finally understand that all hope is lost & this is over. If she responds you have the opportunity to try to talk to her & work this out. Sure, but the thing is - I didn't cheat. The situation was really stupid and now when I think back about it, my ex was in the wrong if she left me because of that. I had to put up with her ex boyfriend (a guy who is her best friends brother) hanging around with us fairly often. I accepted that, even befriended him and didn't show any jealousy although I was sometimes dying inside. Also, when we lived together she owned a pub with her friends and she used to come back from work at 7-8 AM. I tolerated all of this for the sake of her being happy, never complained, just smiled and hugged her and if she really left me because of her suspicion regarding my loyalty I don't know If I can really trust any woman again. I want to believe that was not the case. Thank you for your advice, I'm really not sure If I should send a text tomorrow because the last time I actually saw her was my birthday. Yes, the last time we talked was the night before my birthday. She was about to leave an hour before midnight and If I didn't ask her for stay (I regret that pity **** so much right now) she would leave and just probably send me a text tomorrow.
Author cbfh Posted September 3, 2018 Author Posted September 3, 2018 Why was she always broke? Could she not hold down a job, or? She started a business with her friends but the money just didn't come for many reasons so she was broke and crying because of that a lot. She eventually left that too. It's Eastern Europe, not such a great place to live in. The struggle is real for the majority of people.
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