Breakup: Angry or Indifferent?

[Emem4753]

Hello everyone Thanks in advance for taking a look at my situation. It has been 1 week since my breakup with gf of 2.5 years.

 

Quick background: I'm in my mid 20s, she early 20s. I recently graduated with a Masters, working on my business which has been growing rapidly this summer. I'm fit, popular in my circle, I'd say attractive objectively speaking. She is still trying to figure out her career path and has 2 years left on her bachelors. Very pretty, "social butterfly," doesn't have the best friend circle (alcoholics, wayward people) and has confidence/insecurity issues.

 

My question: is she feeling anger, indifference, or both? Past few weeks I'd felt her become less affectionate and more distant. I decided to let her contact me on her own time. She still did 60-80% of the calling/texting but much less than usual. I'd reply, sometimes take a little while, and tried to end conversations short and on a high-note.

 

I had always tried to be fun and adventurous, taking her on many dates around our state. We went to other cities in the country, traveled Europe, you name it. This summer after I graduated, it's been 50% as many dates and much more sitting on her bed/couch watching movies. I sensed her getting tired of this, she even at one point said we should see each other less and do more dates. At the same time, she'd complain that we didn't say I love you enough, I didn't take care of her enough, and that it didn't seem like I was serious. In response, I tried to help her with all her chores, came over less, set up more dates, and let her do her own thing. It didn't seem to help though.

 

4 weeks prior to the breakup I discover she has still been talking to a high school crush who is out of state apparently suicidal in his own relationship. He called and told her this and that he wanted to meet her when he came to town. She said she'd considered meeting him. I told her that was unacceptable and I was going to break up with her if she did. I ultimately didn't because she started breaking down and crying violently so I decided it was a phase and we would just take it slow. She promised never to talk to him.

 

Hours before the breakup, I discover she's still talking to him. I confronted her and told her she needed to explain or we were done for good. It was very late, she was delirious and couldn't even think of what to say, so I left. A few hours later, she texted me and told me she wanted to explain.

 

She comes over, we chat about our day, and eventually she explains that she doesn't give a **** about the guy, she's just been feeling really lonely lately because she doesn't have any friends that message her or want to hang out, and he was the only person that would. She explains she's uncertain about her career, degree, doesn't have anything going on in her life and has a poor social circle. She said I was a perfect bf, had a lot going for me, all her inside jokes and beliefs came from me, but she couldn't do a relationship right now and wanted a break. I asked her how long this break would be, she said that she doesn't know and didn't want to force me to wait, so maybe we could see other people. I said fine, if she didn't want to go through her hardships with me, then I had nothing left to say and started walking her back to her car.

 

At this point she flips her tune. She starts asking what I want, I tell her to go back to having fun dates once a week and take it easy. She doesn't agree. Then she asks why I never acted like I wanted to marry her, or didn't seem to ever want her kids, move in, never said good morning to her and didn't say I love you every day. I'm confused now, and try to be loving and clear that I did see a future with her, I just wanted to pace the relationship in a way that would work for us. At this point, we embrace, I kiss, massage her back and hug her. When I pull away to walk away, she pulls me back, crying. I pull away again and say that if she changes her mind, she can give me a shout. She asks if she can still message me, I tell her I can't be her friend but if she wants to try again/work on the relationship, she can. I hand her a bag of candies I had brought to her as a surprise (before I thought we were breaking up...) and walk away. I can feel her lingering there, but eventually when I open my house door to walk in, she walks away.

 

Sorry I couldn't make this post shorter. Please let me know if you have any thoughts or questions, as I'd like some insight. 5 days after the breakup she changes her status to single, but still has our pictures in her cover/profile pics on other accounts. My course of action is NC until, if ever, I hear from her. Thanks again!

[SunnyWeather]

sorry about this, it's hard.

 

You are doing it right! good job. you know your worth and she is sliming you in every possible way. Stick to your guns. At some point, even if she comes crawling back, you won't want to be her sloppy seconds.

[Gretchen12]

I read your post but I can't tell if you want her in your life or not. You narrate a scene, but your intentions and feelings remain hidden.

[Emem4753]

I read your post but I can't tell if you want her in your life or not. You narrate a scene, but your intentions and feelings remain hidden.

 

I'm in love with this girl. I cherish her. I love her heart. It's painful knowing she is hurting. She knows I'd listen and help her with all my power, but she decided to distance herself and push me away. I'm not perfect. I'm guarding myself because I'm hurting. I want to stay strong for her if she should ever return, and for myself and my sanity. It's difficult for me to write this, all I want to do is hold her and tell her everything will be OK, to empower her and help her achieve anything she wants. I miss her deeply. I hope she's doing well.

[d0nnivain]

You claim to love & cherish your GF. Yet you know she is lonely IN your relationship. When she asks about the future & marriage you talk about wanting fun dates. Do you not understand that for her your answer tells her that you are not serious about her?

 

In addition once you find out that she's talking to an old friend who is suicidal, you demand that she stop talking to him. Really? I get that he's an old crush & that he was crossing some lines by asking her to meet him but if the poor guy was trying to kill himself, human compassion was needed. You should have been encouraging your GF to get the guy real help, beyond that which friendship alone could supply.

 

All in all I think this girl wants more then you are willing to give. Knowing that she pulled away. Granted she should have done a better job separating from you before giving the suicidal guy false hope but all in all I think she feels the contempt & disdain I get the sense you have for her.

[Emem4753]

You should have been encouraging your GF to get the guy real help, beyond that which friendship alone could supply.

 

All in all I think this girl wants more then you are willing to give. Knowing that she pulled away. Granted she should have done a better job separating from you before giving the suicidal guy false hope but all in all I think she feels the contempt & disdain I get the sense you have for her.

 

You may be taking things out of proportion. In fact I was the one who suggested she call the police and the suicide hotline, but ironically she said she didn't want to be implicated in it. And this was before she mentioned he had a crush on her and she was feeling the same thing. She chose to hide that fact and only reveal it to me during a date that I planned for her...

 

Are you suggesting I tell her that I want to get married and have her kids right now? Well, I do see marriage and kids with her, but I'm not so sure that would've stopped her from the breakup. Others have suggested I should go all in and tell her that she's the one for me and I can't live without her. Is that what you recommend? I'm afraid of pushing her away further.

 

There's no contempt or disdain.

Edited September 3, 2018 by Emem4753

[d0nnivain]

Of course I am not suggesting you marry her.

 

But when I read the following paragraph in your 1st post I wondered whether you actually liked the girl. This whole description rubbed me the wrong way.

 

Quick background: I'm in my mid 20s, she early 20s. I recently graduated with a Masters, working on my business which has been growing rapidly this summer. I'm fit, popular in my circle, I'd say attractive objectively speaking. She is still trying to figure out her career path and has 2 years left on her bachelors. Very pretty, "social butterfly," doesn't have the best friend circle (alcoholics, wayward people) and has confidence/insecurity issues.

[Emem4753]

Of course I am not suggesting you marry her.

 

But when I read the following paragraph in your 1st post I wondered whether you actually liked the girl. This whole description rubbed me the wrong way.

 

I understand how that description could come off as weird and perhaps heartless. My aim was simply to be objective so that the forum has the best information to understand the situation. I could go down the list of all the things I adore about her but that list would never end...

 

Is there any advice you have for me for a possible reconciliation? Try to open the line of communication or maintain my position? I want to give her the space she asked for and respect her wishes, but if she wants more from me maybe telling her I couldn't be friends and that she should only message me if she wants to work things was wrong/selfish?

 

My father (whom I consider extremely wise) said "if she has any love for you left, she will feel your strength and come to you. You don't need to do anything else."

[Gretchen12]

I'm in love with this girl. I cherish her. I love her heart. It's painful knowing she is hurting. She knows I'd listen and help her with all my power, but she decided to distance herself and push me away. I'm not perfect. I'm guarding myself because I'm hurting. I want to stay strong for her if she should ever return, and for myself and my sanity. It's difficult for me to write this, all I want to do is hold her and tell her everything will be OK, to empower her and help her achieve anything she wants. I miss her deeply. I hope she's doing well.

 

You probably never told her what you wrote here. Took a bit of doing for you to open up even on a forum. You may have a deep pool of emotions which attracted this girl in the beginning. But you have a cool exterior. So you go on trips, you spend time together, had fun, but you don't give yourself enough emotionally. To make matters worse, at some point you pulled back to let her initiate and you took your time replying back. These things you did damaged the relationship. She also did damage by contacting an old crush. You felt it was a betrayal. But for her, your coldness is also a form of betrayal. A betrayal makes you feel you cannot trust the other person. That's often the reason for breaking up.

 

As for getting back together, you will need to make an effort to change. You need to let her into your inner world and let her see your vulnerabilities. This type of sharing is why we have close relationships. The kind of stuff you described at the start of your post, about your popularity and her lack of confidence, that's for the public, for initial attraction. In an intimate relationship, which is what she wants, none of your popularity matters. She is more in touch with her feeling and not afraid to ask for emotional intimacy. In that sense she's stronger than you. You won't change overnight. Maybe if you stop protecting yourself and open up a bit, she'll be willing to try.

[anika99]

The early to mid twenties is an emotionally tumultuous time for many young adults. They are adults who want to do adult things, like get married and have babies, but they are still children themselves in many ways.

 

This girl isn't mature enough yet for a serious long term commitment. She wants romance and fun and there is nothing wrong with that but she seems to place the burden of her happiness fully on you. She believes it's your job to bring all the fun and romance, she thinks it's your fault somehow, that she is lonely and doesn't have friends. She expects you to make her happy and when she is unhappy, lonely, or just generally dissatisfied, she blames you and expects you to fix it.

 

It's not your fault that she doesn't have any friends. That's something only she can fix. It certainly doesn't mean you have to accept her meeting up with some distant old crush under the ruse of helping someone suicidal. This guy has his own relationship and circle of family and possibly friends. It makes no sense that he needs your girlfriend to save his life. Besides, when you questioned her further, that's when she started saying she was lonely and had no friends. Pretty much admitting that meeting this guy was something she wanted for herself, not for him. You're correct that if she thought he was serious then she needed to call the police and get him real help, not set up a secret meeting with him behind your back.

 

If she wants more fun and romance then she needs to accept some the responsibility for that. She can plan some of the fun dates, she can be more romantic. She also has to accept that in a longterm relationship it's normal to have quiet nights at home too. Sounds like she finds the routine life most couples have much of the time quite boring. She does have feelings for you which is why her words and actions are contradictory. She loves/cares for you but she also wants excitement.

 

She says she wants you to move in or talk about marriage but I think she wants those things just for the initial excitement of doing something new. I don't think she would really be happy for long with those things. She would get bored and then blame you. I think you did the right thing in cutting her loose so she can go change her fun. She's just too young right now.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Sounds like a pretty normal break up. She doesn't want to hurt you but ready to move on. All else is just peripheral, those things would not matter enough to break up with someone, unless she already wanted out.

 

 

as far as if she feels indifferent or angry? I don't think you will know that unless you ask her. Would it make a difference to you, if you knew she was indifferent in comparison to angry?

 

 

What makes you think she may be angry?

[d0nnivain]

Try sending her flowers. It's a cliché for a reason: it is a tried & true method for saying you're sorry.

[Emem4753]

The early to mid twenties is an emotionally tumultuous time for many young adults. They are adults who want to do adult things, like get married and have babies, but they are still children themselves in many ways.

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She says she wants you to move in or talk about marriage but I think she wants those things just for the initial excitement of doing something new. I don't think she would really be happy for long with those things. She would get bored and then blame you. I think you did the right thing in cutting her loose so she can go change her fun. She's just too young right now.

 

Thank you for your concise advice. I think you're correct regarding those things she wanted me to say. It was my feeling as well that while she may want to hear those things and it would make her feel loved/excited for a while, the other issues she's struggling with (friends, career, periods of depression, loneliness...) would perculate and I would not be able to solve them. I do not see how we could have a stable loving marriage if she cannot handle her own loneliness or pick a career path.

 

I'm thinking of sending her a letter not asking her back but telling her that I am not letting her go because I don't see a future with her but because I think our relationship can't make the next step without the changes she wants to see in her life. If I decide to send this letter, I will be clear that I still love her and cherish her and if she should feel like she's ready and wants to work things out/progress the relationship in the future, I'm open to it. Until then I wish her well and hope she finds the peace she's looking for. It's very hard to let go but I think forcing anything right now, even if it lead to a temporary reconciliation, would end in a mess in a short while.

 

Do I sound reasonable guys? I'm not sure if the letter is necessary, just thinking out loud... Thanks again for your input, it means a lot to me.

[Emem4753]

Hi LS, an update for those interested.

 

I've been NC since day one of the breakup. 1 week after, she changes our profile pic to a pic of her in panties with her legs in the air. I've never seen her do that, even before my time. I'm not trying to be dramatic by blocking her on social media, so I see her updates on the newsfeed. Stuff like "all the ladies in relationships right now....stoooop."

 

My friends tell me she's on tinder and bumble now. She's talking about how she has a new vape and is drinking more. It's painful to watch her act this way. In my mind she is still this sweet girl, but she's acting, sorry to say, trashy. Some of my friends insist she still loves me and is trying to make me feel bad, but I don't see how a person who still loves you can do that. I realize I shouldn't be paying attention to any of this, but I still care about her and knowing that she is doing more drugs and generally acting beneath herself is hard to watch. It's now been 11 days of NC.