max3732 Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 Obviously the immediate goal is to meetup in person and see if there's any chemistry, but I'm having trouble figuring out what to say in the 1st few messages after she responds. Usually if I initiate 1st I've commented on something on her profile and she responds, then I'll ask what she's up to this weekend or something like that with the hopes of finding out about her interests. Instead I've been getting responses like "my weekend has been fun" or "going great". Then when I ask what she's been been doing a lot of times she'll just stop responding. Other times she will respond, but then not respond to any follow up communications. Not sure if this is just what's called "ghosting" or if there's something wrong in my approach. For example, right now I'm messaging someone online and she's talking a lot about her dog and we've had a bunch of messages. What do I say now? I don't know how to move it from whatever thing she's talking about to meeting in person.
MidwestUSA Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 Well, don't dance around the topic. Most people, if they're serious about dating, believe in meeting up ASAP as opposed to messaging forever. It's a dating site, not a place to make pen pals. "I'd like to take you out. How does X place at Y time on Z date sound?" If she says no without offering an alternate date, then you'll know not to waste anymore time on her. 2
d0nnivain Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 Just be straight up: Can I have your phone # so I can hear your voice / talk to you rather than going through this website? When would be convenient for me to call? Then call & talk for 5-10 minutes. At that point ask to meet for coffee or something else simple. Hey would you like to meet me at [you pick a specific a place] on [date / day of the week] at [specify a time]? For example -- Joe's Coffee shop on Main Street on Tuesday at 8 p.m. Make the date & time 2-3 days in the future. After you get a yes, talk for 1-2 more minutes then get off the phone so you have stuff to talk about when you meet
smackie9 Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 Obviously the immediate goal is to meetup in person and see if there's any chemistry, but I'm having trouble figuring out what to say in the 1st few messages after she responds. Usually if I initiate 1st I've commented on something on her profile and she responds, then I'll ask what she's up to this weekend or something like that with the hopes of finding out about her interests. Instead I've been getting responses like "my weekend has been fun" or "going great". Then when I ask what she's been been doing a lot of times she'll just stop responding. Other times she will respond, but then not respond to any follow up communications. Not sure if this is just what's called "ghosting" or if there's something wrong in my approach. For example, right now I'm messaging someone online and she's talking a lot about her dog and we've had a bunch of messages. What do I say now? I don't know how to move it from whatever thing she's talking about to meeting in person. There is nothing wrong with your approach...they are simply not interested. If they were interested they would carry on with a conversation, and give you more input. What you have been getting is avoidance. That's your cue to leave them alone and move on. 1
Author max3732 Posted September 2, 2018 Author Posted September 2, 2018 I didn't expect to follow up on here so soon, but this one woman I am chatting with is rather strange. She said she'd prefer to chat on facebook messenger rather than the app and gave her FB account. I agreed and we messaged there then all of a sudden she asks why I didn't confirm her as a friend. I told her I'd prefer to wait until I know her better and have met her in person. Then she asks if I'm playing head games or if I have something to hide, to which I responded I'm just a private person. Then she asks how many people I'm chatted with/met with on the app and if I'm still friends with any. What kind of question is that? I dodged and said if I found the right person I wouldn't still be on here. The way we left it was I said it would be better to chat on the phone or in person rather than texting here and she said she wants to get to know better first. Is this some kind of scam to steal my info off of facebook or could it be a real person?
SunnyWeather Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 I didn't expect to follow up on here so soon, but this one woman I am chatting with is rather strange. She said she'd prefer to chat on facebook messenger rather than the app and gave her FB account. I agreed and we messaged there then all of a sudden she asks why I didn't confirm her as a friend.I told her I'd prefer to wait until I know her better and have met her in person. Then she asks if I'm playing head games or if I have something to hide, to which I responded I'm just a private person. Then she asks how many people I'm chatted with/met with on the app and if I'm still friends with any. What kind of question is that? I dodged and said if I found the right person I wouldn't still be on here. The way we left it was I said it would be better to chat on the phone or in person rather than texting here and she said she wants to get to know better first. Is this some kind of scam to steal my info off of facebook or could it be a real person? could be. but at this point it sounds like you have enough info on this person to 'nope, and next' them. seeing how one responds to your boundaries so early is a very helpful indicator of how a relationship with them would be like 2
MidwestUSA Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 I didn't expect to follow up on here so soon, but this one woman I am chatting with is rather strange. She said she'd prefer to chat on facebook messenger rather than the app and gave her FB account. I agreed and we messaged there then all of a sudden she asks why I didn't confirm her as a friend. I told her I'd prefer to wait until I know her better and have met her in person. Then she asks if I'm playing head games or if I have something to hide, to which I responded I'm just a private person. Then she asks how many people I'm chatted with/met with on the app and if I'm still friends with any. What kind of question is that? I dodged and said if I found the right person I wouldn't still be on here. The way we left it was I said it would be better to chat on the phone or in person rather than texting here and she said she wants to get to know better first. Is this some kind of scam to steal my info off of facebook or could it be a real person? Could be a scam, or she's an extremely jealous and/or nosy person. One app is no better than the next for messaging; she wants to snoop your page. There's absolutely no reason to friend someone you haven't even met. Next! She sounds like a a loon. 1
nospam99 Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 FWIW, my OLD tactics: 1) send message that says what I see in her profile that interests me, that I'd like to meet, and asking if she agrees 2) if she responds, thank her and give her my phone number. if not, next 3) if she phones or gives me her number, chat and assess whether I still want to meet her. if not, continue to push for a phone convo. I have no hard rule for how long to keep pushing. So far she has either 'gone to the phone' or ghosted without an 'uncomfortably' long exchange of messages 4) if I still want to meet her, negotiate a time and a place to meet 1
Gretchen12 Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 Even just in this thread you are not being clear what you want. Your title says you want to move towards meeting up. But elsewhere you say you are cautious, and you ask questions like "what are you doing this weekend" to find out her interests. Do you want to meet or not? Usually women are more cautious than men, for safety reasons. For men, if you have deal breakers ask immediately. If not, don't chat if you're already too suspicious of her to meet her. As for the what are you doing chit chat, people would only report to you about their days if you are already part of their life. Online dating moves very fast for women, so you won't get very far if you are unsure. 1
Dis Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 I did OLD for 2 years before I met my bf. I learned a lot and tbh, you're doing most things right Many women need to build up a bit of a rapport before meeting but after 5 to 10 messages you should be asking to meet up. People who are serious about finding someone on OLD don't waste time with useless chatting that can lead nowhere if there's no chemistry in person. As for this strange turn of events, get out of dodge and move onto the next. If someone is already weird when first chatting on OLD, you bet your a$$ they're going to turn out to be a total nut job after the first couple dates Don't despair about not hearing back from some girls. OLD is a numbers game. You're going to have to chat with a lot of people and go on a lot of dates before you find something that lasts. Just keep casting lines out and don't invest anything until you've had at least 3 or 4 good dates. Side note: It's not ghosting if you never met the person face to face Keep your chin up...this is going to take time 1
grays Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 I just want to address the Facebook thing. I really like it when guys will friend me early, even before meeting. In the four years that I’ve been single, I’ve fallen for two guys. Both were married and lying about it. There’re only a few ways to tell or at least get a good idea of whether a guy is married, Facebook, seeing his home, and meeting his friends. None of them are foolproof, but Facebook is the least invasive one, imo, and I like to see his Facebook early. I also like a guy to see my fb early because mine gives a pretty good indication of what’s important to me.
Author max3732 Posted September 3, 2018 Author Posted September 3, 2018 Even just in this thread you are not being clear what you want. Your title says you want to move towards meeting up. But elsewhere you say you are cautious, and you ask questions like "what are you doing this weekend" to find out her interests. Do you want to meet or not? Usually women are more cautious than men, for safety reasons. For men, if you have deal breakers ask immediately. If not, don't chat if you're already too suspicious of her to meet her. As for the what are you doing chit chat, people would only report to you about their days if you are already part of their life. Online dating moves very fast for women, so you won't get very far if you are unsure. If it were up to me I'd meet up immediately. When I say I'm cautious I mean with personal information and who my friends are, but as far as meeting in person. I don't view meeting someone in a public place and chatting as being much of a risk. What should I ask/talk about after the initial messages? Unlike match/eharmony on some of these apps all you have is a picture, their and what they do for a living
Author max3732 Posted September 3, 2018 Author Posted September 3, 2018 I just want to address the Facebook thing. I really like it when guys will friend me early, even before meeting. In the four years that I’ve been single, I’ve fallen for two guys. Both were married and lying about it. There’re only a few ways to tell or at least get a good idea of whether a guy is married, Facebook, seeing his home, and meeting his friends. None of them are foolproof, but Facebook is the least invasive one, imo, and I like to see his Facebook early. I also like a guy to see my fb early because mine gives a pretty good indication of what’s important to me. If a guy was married and lying about it wouldn't he know that friending you early would show that he's married? People can put whatever they want on Facebook, so couldn't someone just make another account for dating? For me I don't like strangers knowing anything about me, especially since I've read about gold-diggers and all kinds of OLD scams. I hardly use facebook or any social media other than to see what other people are doing. I probably login once a month or something and haven't uploaded anything in a few years, but there is probably still some personally identifiable info I don't want a stranger finding.
Gretchen12 Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 If it were up to me I'd meet up immediately. When I say I'm cautious I mean with personal information and who my friends are, but as far as meeting in person. I don't view meeting someone in a public place and chatting as being much of a risk. What should I ask/talk about after the initial messages? Unlike match/eharmony on some of these apps all you have is a picture, their and what they do for a living If you are willing to meet, then just do it. If you need to know something before agreeing to meet her, then ask your question. In other words, if a woman is someone who's willing to meet you, she will. She won't be sitting there thinking "Ah ha! he did NOT ask me A, B and C, therefore I won't meet him afterall." And if she needs to know something before meeting you, she would ask you. So it's very simple.
PegNosePete Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 Usually if I initiate 1st I've commented on something on her profile and she responds, then I'll ask what she's up to this weekend or something like that with the hopes of finding out about her interests. Instead I've been getting responses like "my weekend has been fun" or "going great". Then when I ask what she's been been doing a lot of times she'll just stop responding. I'm really not surprised you're getting ghosted with that approach. Asking how someone's weekend is, is something you ask a friend or someone you already know well. You're supposed to be getting to know her, not boring day to day chit chat. Every guy and his dog asks how her weekend was. It's probably the 15th time this week some guy on OLD has asked that. Snore! Try to ask some more interesting getting to know you questions. Not how was your weekend or how was work today, but ask about hobbies, personality, goals and aspirations, try to use humour. right now I'm messaging someone online and she's talking a lot about her dog and we've had a bunch of messages. What do I say now? Great! Just say the dog sounds awesome, I'd love to meet him this weekend, are you free?
OatsAndHall Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 Well, don't dance around the topic. Most people, if they're serious about dating, believe in meeting up ASAP as opposed to messaging forever. It's a dating site, not a place to make pen pals. "I'd like to take you out. How does X place at Y time on Z date sound?" If she says no without offering an alternate date, then you'll know not to waste anymore time on her. Yup. Just ask them out. I have used OLD more frequently than I care to admit and it's rare that I get shot down when asking for a date after a few messages. One woman told me that she liked the approach as it cut out a lot of the mindless chit-chat. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 She said she'd prefer to chat on facebook messenger rather than the app and gave her FB account. I agreed and we messaged there then all of a sudden she asks why I didn't confirm her as a friend. I told her I'd prefer to wait until I know her better and have met her in person. Then she asks if I'm playing head games or if I have something to hide, to which I responded I'm just a private person. Is this some kind of scam to steal my info off of facebook or could it be a real person? It's not a scam. It's her trying to figure out if you are married / have a GF. She's been burned & now has a comfort level through social media. For her it's a litmus test. That said, I'm on your side. An early dating person does not get to be my friend on social media. It's too intimate too early for me. Take it as a sign that she's damaged & you two are fundamentally incompatible. She will never understand your reserved nature. 1
JuneL Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 When she’s talking about her dog (or something that interests her), just tell her “I’d love to hear more about your dog and get to know you more in person. Let me take you out to coffee later this week. How does Sunday mornig at 10 sound?” As for the fb question, it’s too intrusive. Would you feel comfortable sharing your full name so that the woman knows you’re legit? When I was on OLD for like 3 weeks, I was surprised a few of the guys I was starting to chat would take the initiative to give me their full names without me asking. But it did give me a sense that they trust me. 1
greymatter Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 If you would like to find out what a woman's interests are, be direct. Ask how she likes to spend her free time, and what kinds of activities interest her. Asking what she is doing on a given weekend will only give you a limited view of what she is interested in and is a very passive approach to asking for a date. I imagine you already know some of her interests, if her dating profile mentions those. Ask her more about those things or better yet, wait for your first date so you have something to talk about on the date. Just be direct and ask to meet. A first meeting isn't a date so don't be so hesitant to ask for that. Also, with arranging a first meeting, don't be so passive about working your way around to asking her that it takes you too long and she thinks you are not interested. It's okay to be direct and ask to meet early on in messaging a woman. Personally I have never arranged to talk on the phone before meeting and don't have an interest in doing that. I have just met people in person (I hate talking on the phone anyway). 2
JuneL Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 I also pretty to have a quick first meet than wasting time on the phone.
Author max3732 Posted September 3, 2018 Author Posted September 3, 2018 It's not a scam. It's her trying to figure out if you are married / have a GF. She's been burned & now has a comfort level through social media. For her it's a litmus test. That said, I'm on your side. An early dating person does not get to be my friend on social media. It's too intimate too early for me. Take it as a sign that she's damaged & you two are fundamentally incompatible. She will never understand your reserved nature. Definitely agree she's damaged. I was looking back and if she's in fact she's a real person then she's got problems. I admit to looking at potential date's facebook page if it's publicly available to try and figure out more about her, but would never ask for her page. The thing I don't like is it announces to everyone you're not friends with this person.
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