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9 year Relationship - In need of desperate *


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Posted (edited)

Hello everyone,

 

I have been in a long term relationship for the past 9 years and need some good advice. Our relationship like others has had its up and downs but we love each other and were working it out. I made some mistakes of my own (non cheating) and she has had some mistakes on her own.

 

Things were going ok but out of blue another guy shows up and starts texting her non-stop. GF starts getting comfortable with guy because of similar interests and then she suddenly says she likes him. Then she says she doesn't and goes back and forth coming to the conclusion that she is confused. I can tell she is very frustrated too and vulnerable at this moment.

 

Guy is playing the field for sure, trying to interfere and separate us and I have witnessed that through numerous examples. I tried to explain to my gf whats going on - at times she agrees, apologizes and then ignores him but he just won't go away and its like a drug hes got her hooked constantly trying to conversate with her.

Also she confessed that he kissed her and they made out

 

People that have been through this path, can you please provide some guidance? This is our first serious relationship together and we are in our 20's.

 

I can tell she is hurt and confused on how shes feeling and it really makes me sad because I know shes looking to fill in gaps but in the long term it won't be something she wants and will regret. By the way, we live together, should i leave and stay somewhere else?

 

I really value my relationship with this girl so I would appreciate your sound advice.

Edited by a121
Posted
Guy is playing the field for sure, trying to interfere and separate us and I have witnessed that through numerous examples. I tried to explain to my gf whats going on - at times she agrees, apologizes and then ignores him but he just won't go away and its like a drug hes got her hooked constantly trying to conversate with her.

Also she confessed that he kissed her and they made out

 

People that have been through this path, can you please provide some guidance? This is our first serious relationship together and we are in our 20's.

 

The truth is that he would go away if she really wanted him to. She doesn't need to respond; she could easily block him. She's not doing so because she likes him, too. He can't run interference and separate you without her active participation, so you need to stop putting the blame entirely on him. She's not a helpless kid. He's not her drug. She could say no. She is choosing to explore her feelings for him, by way of responding and making out with him.

 

Given your ages and that you both have never dated someone else - this relationship has probably run its course, I'm afraid. It often happens when a couple drifts apart after being together a long time with no other dating and relationship experiencing. Most do not settle down with their first love, simply because they're not really eager to commit to a lifetime with only one person.

 

I would separate. She has already crossed some intimate boundaries and refused to give him up, which tells you that unfortunately she no longer values you and the relationship you share. Whether or not she will regret it later isn't the issue; it's that she is even exploring options to begin with. In other words, she is checking out of your relationship. You can't do much to stop her if she doesn't want to stop.

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Posted
The truth is that he would go away if she really wanted him to. She doesn't need to respond; she could easily block him. She's not doing so because she likes him, too. He can't run interference and separate you without her active participation, so you need to stop putting the blame entirely on him. She's not a helpless kid. He's not her drug. She could say no. She is choosing to explore her feelings for him, by way of responding and making out with him.

 

Given your ages and that you both have never dated someone else - this relationship has probably run its course, I'm afraid. It often happens when a couple drifts apart after being together a long time with no other dating and relationship experiencing. Most do not settle down with their first love, simply because they're not really eager to commit to a lifetime with only one person.

 

I would separate. She has already crossed some intimate boundaries and refused to give him up, which tells you that unfortunately she no longer values you and the relationship you share. Whether or not she will regret it later isn't the issue; it's that she is even exploring options to begin with. In other words, she is checking out of your relationship. You can't do much to stop her if she doesn't want to stop.

 

 

Well we had dated before but it wasn't serious like our relationship. Also I'd like to clarify that she is insecure at times so she gets flattered when people complement her. What i meant that he got her hooked is that he weaseled himself in pretending to be this person and its the beginning stages so we all know how crushes turn. I have been there myself too

 

 

I understand most people don't settle with their first but i'd really like to make it work and when she talks its same but her actions recently have shown otherwise and the whole dilemma. Reason why our relationship has lasted this long is because we connect on a deeper level and get each other

 

 

any other possible solution? is she just wanting me to do the breakup instead of her saying it

Posted
Well we had dated before but it wasn't serious like our relationship. Also I'd like to clarify that she is insecure at times so she gets flattered when people complement her. What i meant that he got her hooked is that he weaseled himself in pretending to be this person and its the beginning stages so we all know how crushes turn. I have been there myself too
You're making a lot of excuses for her. She is not helpless against his charms; she's buying into it because she likes it and she likes him. Being insecure is not a reason to step outside your relationship. You are trying to justify her behaviour because it hurts, I know. But you have to stop thinking that she is somehow not responsible for this. She knows how to lay down boundaries and she is electing not to do it. It doesn't matter how charming the other guy is. She is the bigger problem, not him.

 

I understand most people don't settle with their first but i'd really like to make it work and when she talks its same but her actions recently have shown otherwise and the whole dilemma. Reason why our relationship has lasted this long is because we connect on a deeper level and get each other
That may be, but she evidently isn't committed to the same goal anymore. As you said, her actions are showing you that. And most long-term relationships last because the two partners connect on a deeper level, OP. That's a great sentiment, but it should really be a given in any good relationship. The problem here is that she is chipping away at that connection with her behaviour.

 

any other possible solution? is she just wanting me to do the breakup instead of her saying it
Not necessarily. She could instead be confused by her feelings for someone else and wants to make sure there's something more with this guy before ending it with you.

 

If she is serious about wanting to make this work with you, she will cut him off. No ifs, ands or buts. Anything less and you know she is already jumping ship. The bottom line is that you can't fight for the relationship if she won't get in the ring with you.

Posted

I agree with everything Expat has said. I could not say it any better...

 

He has inserted himself in your relationship because she has allowed it, she has invited him in. Given, you are young and you have likely never dated anyone else, I too think this relationship has run it’s course. I’m sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear. But, she is clearly not committed to you or your relationship if she is turning away from you, to another man. If not this guy, it will be another in the future. You both need some more experiences and date other people.

Posted

Especially if you two started dating in HS, but even early on in your college careers, while 9 years is a long time, you both did a lot of growing & changing in that time.

 

If she is allowing this guy in, it may be a sign she's ready to make a change because she is looking down the pike & starting to think that as much as you may want this to work, she does not want to be saddled with the only guy she has ever really known. She may be ready to see what else life has to offer.

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Posted
Especially if you two started dating in HS, but even early on in your college careers, while 9 years is a long time, you both did a lot of growing & changing in that time.

 

If she is allowing this guy in, it may be a sign she's ready to make a change because she is looking down the pike & starting to think that as much as you may want this to work, she does not want to be saddled with the only guy she has ever really known. She may be ready to see what else life has to offer.

This^^^^ is where it's at....she wants to see what else life has to offer, and experience someone different. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

 

 

 

I know someone that was with their SO since they were 12. They split up in their early 20's. Everyone thought it was the end, but it wasn't. They both dated others for a bit, then realized they missed each other. They are married and having babies.

 

 

 

As that saying goes, if you love someone, let them go, if they come back then it was meant to be.

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