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My Bf's Male Family Members....

Dis

By Dis
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40somethingGuy Established Member

40somethingGuy

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Posted (edited)
Thanks for the reply

 

<SNIP>

 

I edited and added to my post since you read this. I would think long and hard about how to have kids with people like this in your life and how they will expect to be around all the time. Personally, your BF needs to up the ante since talking with his dad does nothing.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Dis Established Member

Dis

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I edited and added to my post since you read this. I would think long and hard about how to have kids with people like this in your life and how they will expect to be around all the time. Personally, your BF needs to up the ante since talking with his dad does nothing.

 

Yup. We've talked about this. I told him I'm never going to be the type of person who wants family around all the time but for I would never deprive his parents of seeing our kids a reasonable amount of time either. we agreed we're on the same page with that.

 

If his parents didn't respect my need for a healthy amount of space I'd absolutely lose it and I'd let them know to back off

 

I'm not a silent mouse and I do feel his parents are going to need a good kick in the pants at some point

NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted
Hey Dis, I think it's great to make another attempt to be friendly with the Dad, it shows maturity from your end.

 

I think it would show maturity for the OP and her bf to stand together and he should support her in NOT seeing this person unless absolutely necessary. He groped her. Why would any woman be expected to put herself in a that situation ever again.

 

By "absolutely necessary" I mean times like Christmas IF there are grandchildren. Be polite, keep an eye on the kids, and leave promptly. I believe in every state grandparents have legal rights to see the grandchildren. The kids might want to be involved with the extended family as well, but I would not leave them unsupervised with this guy, especially an adolescent girl.

 

My daughter's boyfriend comes from a family that has no problem making racist / sexist comments and making offensive remarks like "when are you gonna put a baby in her." Nothing as heinous as groping - she would have thrown a few punches, I imagine. Boyfriend loves his mom and goes there once a year. Daughter will never go there again. He supports her 100% in that.

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Kellens Established Member

Kellens

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Posted

I think you're doing great by giving his dad another chance, it would be hard for me to do as well. I actually feel really bad for your boyfriend since he is stuck in the middle, it must be a lot to handle. I am the same way as you when it comes to having space, I need alone time to clear my head and just feel normal. Your bf is doing good so far, just try your best and if the father is disrespectful again, at least you know he will have your back.

 

 

As far as the overbearing mother, that's never going to change, you will have to just accept if for what it is, especially since your bf is being so supportive of you. Has he had other long term relationships with women that weren't from the same culture as him? I wonder if he's had any problems with this in the past..

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
I think it would show maturity for the OP and her bf to stand together and he should support her in NOT seeing this person unless absolutely necessary. He groped her. Why would any woman be expected to put herself in a that situation ever again..

 

The father did not grope her, the father makes rude comments.

I guess and I could be wrong, the father does not think that Dis is "good enough" for his son and it thus making things difficult for her.

I would guess he would rather his son was dating a nice Eastern European girl, same values, same ideas. - family comes first.

Dis is going to split this family up, by taking his son and any kids they have away from the family. The father knows that, so he is trying to get rid of her.

 

The 95 y o great uncle groped her, but I guess that is due to dementia.

Old guys can get "inappropriate" as inhibitions get thrown to the wind with ageing brains.

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No_Go Established Member

No_Go

Posted
Posted

As Elaine posted, the groping was done by 95 yo relative, not the Dad. The Dad was rude to her verbally.

 

If she does what you suggest (Christmas only etc), I can tell you from experience (I’m born and raised in Eastern Europe), the BF family is going to make their life hell. My grandparents has never asked for permission to take me to their place from my parents, actually my grandmother had way more say in my upbringing than anyone else. My mother is doing the same for my sister’s kid - the father’s word comes after hers. It is how families are, take it or leave it.

 

Before they have kids they can flex more, but if they do.. it will be rough. Several Eastern Europeans write here and all confirmed earlier in the thread.

 

Their best bet is to move away later, and for now Dis should just ignore.

 

Btw exceptions exist, obviously, but it should come from the BF, not Dis, otherwise the resentment will be on her...

 

I think it would show maturity for the OP and her bf to stand together and he should support her in NOT seeing this person unless absolutely necessary. He groped her. Why would any woman be expected to put herself in a that situation ever again.

 

By "absolutely necessary" I mean times like Christmas IF there are grandchildren. Be polite, keep an eye on the kids, and leave promptly. I believe in every state grandparents have legal rights to see the grandchildren. The kids might want to be involved with the extended family as well, but I would not leave them unsupervised with this guy, especially an adolescent girl.

 

My daughter's boyfriend comes from a family that has no problem making racist / sexist comments and making offensive remarks like "when are you gonna put a baby in her." Nothing as heinous as groping - she would have thrown a few punches, I imagine. Boyfriend loves his mom and goes there once a year. Daughter will never go there again. He supports her 100% in that.

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Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
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Posted
The father did not grope her, the father makes rude comments.

I guess and I could be wrong, the father does not think that Dis is "good enough" for his son and it thus making things difficult for her.

I would guess he would rather his son was dating a nice Eastern European girl, same values, same ideas. - family comes first.

Dis is going to split this family up, by taking his son and any kids they have away from the family. The father knows that, so he is trying to get rid of her.

 

The 95 y o great uncle groped her, but I guess that is due to dementia.

Old guys can get "inappropriate" as inhibitions get thrown to the wind with ageing brains.

 

Thanks for the reply elaine but actually, his parents love me and want me over there all the time. His parents and his sister are really approving of our relationship. They've been welcoming since day 1.

 

I think his Dad is just socially awkward and thinks he can get away with saying mean things. He does it to people he likes all the time according to my bf. It's all very normal for them. Routine. That's why they can't understand why I don't want to be around it.

 

The Great Uncle is actually despised by the family. According to my bf and my bf's Mom he even groped my bf's cousin! :eek: The reason why his Mom is taking care of him is because it's a cultural thing and all eyes are on them back in Eastern Europe

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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I came down with a little bug, plus I'm stressed with work and have three 12 hour shifts coming up in the next 3 days so I didn't go

 

My bf went and told me his Mom cooked ribs and beef chili. Funny thing is, I don't eat beef or pork (I love to cook it but not eat it) his Mom knows that. I texted his Mom a few days ago asking if we could come over for lunch and asked if I could bring anything, she said no. Kind of weird she'd have me over for lunch but cook things I don't eat. I'm glad I stayed home because not only would I have been sick, but I'd be starving too. I don't expect or want her to tailor her meals around me at all. They always have food I don't eat but I just eat what I can and give lots of compliments on how yummy it is. Just strange she wanted to have me over but cooked all the things I don't eat...is that Eastern European code for, 'I'm mad at you for not seeing us for so long'? :laugh: Maybe I'm being overly suspicious but my bf has told me his Mom can be like that sometimes...

 

I texted her to reschedule for next week but haven't heard back from her

 

I just was not up to it today

No_Go Established Member

No_Go

Posted
Posted

Well to be fair you said you're not going, so they had no reason to adjust their menu. They probably just cooked what they like for themselves, I don't see hidden 'codes' here lol.

 

 

 

I came down with a little bug, plus I'm stressed with work and have three 12 hour shifts coming up in the next 3 days so I didn't go

 

My bf went and told me his Mom cooked ribs and beef chili. Funny thing is, I don't eat beef or pork (I love to cook it but not eat it) his Mom knows that. I texted his Mom a few days ago asking if we could come over for lunch and asked if I could bring anything, she said no. Kind of weird she'd have me over for lunch but cook things I don't eat. I'm glad I stayed home because not only would I have been sick, but I'd be starving too. I don't expect or want her to tailor her meals around me at all. They always have food I don't eat but I just eat what I can and give lots of compliments on how yummy it is. Just strange she wanted to have me over but cooked all the things I don't eat...is that Eastern European code for, 'I'm mad at you for not seeing us for so long'? :laugh: Maybe I'm being overly suspicious but my bf has told me his Mom can be like that sometimes...

 

I texted her to reschedule for next week but haven't heard back from her

 

I just was not up to it today

NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted
The father did not grope her, the father makes rude comments.

Apologies for not reading thoroughly.

 

That makes a difference. Regardless, strong boundaries are in order.

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Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
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Well to be fair you said you're not going, so they had no reason to adjust their menu. They probably just cooked what they like for themselves, I don't see hidden 'codes' here lol.

 

She starting cooking at noon. I didn't cancel until 2:30pm.

 

Oh and she made dumplings...and I have a gluten allergy :laugh: She knows about that

 

I may be overreacting but...it does seem a little strange

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