My Bf's Male Family Members....

[Lotsgoingon]

I feel for you ... this is a tough one ...

 

My mother used to have this phrase ... and I really didn't know what she meant ... and later when I figured out what she meant, I still didn't agree with her. Her phrase was along the lines of: when you marry someone, you marry their entire family.

 

OK, clearly an exaggeration ... clearly lots of people these days develop distance from their families. I think back in my mother's time, maybe people relocated less, moved away from families less and so on ...

 

But ... I now see her point. I'll translate her point in a way that I think is relevant for you: how your bf relates to his family is a valid and indeed important issue for you to keep your eye on. His relationship with his family is a trait that is every bit as relevant as his honesty, his trustworthiness, his integrity, his capacity for intimacy, for decency ... and every bit as worthy of consideration as how much you guys have in common, and so on.

 

In other words, his family is not a side issue. On the contrary, nothing poisons a relationship more ... or leads to more bitterness than a wife (I know you're not married) thinking her husbands does not stand up to his own family in defense of her. I'm sorry to be blunt here ... but add in your the rank immaturity and crudeness of his family ... and really the violence (the groping) in your bf's family ... and his inability to break away from them or stand up to them on your behalf--on his own behalf--well ... that issue is not going to magically disappear. This isn't really an issue resolved through conversation and thinking.

 

"Normal" is not the framework you want to employ here. The framework is compatibility ... Is this family dynamic that your bf has with his family something that will work for you?

 

The question I think you want to keep asking ... is do you want to put up with his family? ... Can you really be happy with this family?

 

Back to my mom, she thought my dad's family was insular and intrusive and dismissive of her in the way you describe your bf's family. Took about two decades of marriage before my dad let go of his close ties ... before he stopped trying to please his family, before he realized he didn't need to please them ... and didn't want to please them when their behavior was rude and mean, which it frequently was. Two decades for my dad to break out of his family insularity.

 

At some point, my dad felt used by his family and felt his marriage was in danger and he broke away ... Still communicated with them, but they had no hold on him.

 

In other words, my dad's default response to his became "no" ... and he then would selectively choose to interact with them or attend some family gathering--but never because of insular pressure but because he really wanted to.

 

Right now, sounds like your bf's default is yes ... and he struggles to say "no" to his family ... and when he says "no," nothing changes ... because he knows and feels the next time he has to say yes to mom coming over and all of that.

 

BF has to do this work ... and it's not superficial ... separating cleanly and more maturely from his family is a major multi-year therapy project. I don't buy the "cultural" thing--everything is "cultural"--whatever that means ... and so what if it is cultural? Doesn't mean you're going to like it or find it healthy.

[FMW]

Unfortunately I don't think you can do much more than you have without coming off as "the bad guy". It's up to your boyfriend to set and enforce boundaries. I would just make sure he knows that it's a serious issue for you and don't let him brush it off as just "cultural". He needs to consider your needs and feelings.

[Dis]

Wow. So much to think about here.

 

I agree I have little control over this, I never thought I did. I'm just hoping as the years progress...thing will get a little less entangled with his parents

 

They have quite the hold

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, I get you ... you would think things would get less entangled.

 

But ... after my ex and I got married (and she wasn't quite as entangled as your bf), her mother bombarded her with phone calls. My ex assumed that getting married was a "signal" for some distance. She couldn't believe how closely her mother held on ... Thank God, her family was two hours away ... but still her mom was disruptive.

 

But family entanglement is deep ... it really is.

 

And speaking for myself, I don't think it's all that healthy--for him (and of course for you).

 

Good luck ... Just keep being honest about your feelings ...

[Dis]

Any other thoughts?

[No_Go]

Dis, I’d say take it as is, that’s the best you can do.

 

I think people underestimate family/cultural influences. It is not something you change overnight, it’s part of your identity. Your BF is close to his family and that’s unlikely to change. His mom is annoying but not harmful, roll with it. The dad is annoying and harmful - avoid him. But to expect things to drastically change is unrealistic and will put too much strain on your relationship.

 

Best case scenario is your BF gets busy with work and have less time for family. Then things will resolve to some extent naturally.

[Dis]

Dis, IÂ’d say take it as is, thatÂ’s the best you can do.

 

I think people underestimate family/cultural influences. It is not something you change overnight, itÂ’s part of your identity. Your BF is close to his family and thatÂ’s unlikely to change. His mom is annoying but not harmful, roll with it. The dad is annoying and harmful - avoid him. But to expect things to drastically change is unrealistic and will put too much strain on your relationship.

 

Best case scenario is your BF gets busy with work and have less time for family. Then things will resolve to some extent naturally.

 

Great advice as always girl

 

I think you're right. I just have to accept it. It's just hard because they're so involved it almost feels intrusive. Like for example, we're driving to vaca right now and his mom has called 4 times. My bf can't pick up the phone because he's driving and I don't want to pick it up because I'm already thoroughly annoyed.

 

I do avoid his Dad and that works. Althought my bf sometimes wishes I would see them more. It's like one day he totally gets why I don't want to see his Dad and the next he doesn't.. So I end up looking like the bad guy, the oversenstive one. That really sucks because I really have been a victim of his dad's nastiness.

 

I guess, bottom line is...I don't like his parents considering the things they've done. I gues that's what the problem is. But like you said, there's nothing I can do. I just wish they didn't get under my skin so much. I know my bf can tell I don't like his parents even though I try to hid it as best as I can. It does cause a strain on us, as a couple.

 

I just want to know how to be less annoyed with them. How to not let them bother me. My bf can't help what his parents are like. I don't want to hurt him accidentally

[Dis]

Yeah, I get you ... you would think things would get less entangled.

 

But ... after my ex and I got married (and she wasn't quite as entangled as your bf), her mother bombarded her with phone calls. My ex assumed that getting married was a "signal" for some distance. She couldn't believe how closely her mother held on ... Thank God, her family was two hours away ... but still her mom was disruptive.

 

But family entanglement is deep ... it really is.

 

And speaking for myself, I don't think it's all that healthy--for him (and of course for you).

 

Good luck ... Just keep being honest about your feelings ...

 

Thank you so much for this. It really validates how I feel. I don't think it's healthy either. I try to tell him that in a really nice way but like you said, this runs deep.

 

His Mom really needs to get a grip. We left for vaca 2 hours ago and she's already called 4 times! I feel like she's trying to interfere or something. She knew we were going on vaca so why is she blowing up his phone? My bf didn't pick up and says he'll call her when we get to the hotel and maybe I'm wrong for feeling this way, but I'm super annoyed. Like we can't even have a vaca without her ringing off the hook. I mean, why can't he just tell her he'll call her when we get back....in 2 days. We booked this romantic hotel room and here my bf is going to be chatting on the phone with his mom. *rolls eyes*

 

This is hurting our relationship. Not just the calls but just how meddling they are in general.

[coolheadal]

Wow. So much to think about here.

 

I agree I have little control over this, I never thought I did. I'm just hoping as the years progress...thing will get a little less entangled with his parents

 

They have quite the hold

 

Nope it gets worst and worst. That's why you can go but bring a second vehicle with you and leave when they start making their advances on you. If you have to pick-up your BF from this folks house just wait outside for him to come out. Do not go back in. I did the same for my ex-w family. But she unlike your BF stood-up for with her parents but it never last until they just start up the jokes and question aimed at me always.

[mrs rubble]

Thank you so much for this. It really validates how I feel. I don't think it's healthy either. I try to tell him that in a really nice way but like you said, this runs deep.

 

His Mom really needs to get a grip. We left for vaca 2 hours ago and she's already called 4 times! I feel like she's trying to interfere or something. She knew we were going on vaca so why is she blowing up his phone? My bf didn't pick up and says he'll call her when we get to the hotel and maybe I'm wrong for feeling this way, but I'm super annoyed. Like we can't even have a vaca without her ringing off the hook. I mean, why can't he just tell her he'll call her when we get back....in 2 days. We booked this romantic hotel room and here my bf is going to be chatting on the phone with his mom. *rolls eyes*

 

This is hurting our relationship. Not just the calls but just how meddling they are in general.

 

Tell her there's no cell reception where you are going and turn the phone off.

[elaine567]

There is a saying "If you want to know how your gf/wife will turn out as time marches on, look at her mother" I guess it may be the same for men too..

 

"If you want to know how your bf/husband will turn out as time marches on, look at his father..."

[Lotsgoingon]

 

His Mom really needs to get a grip. We left for vaca 2 hours ago and she's already called 4 times! I feel like she's trying to interfere or something. She knew we were going on vaca so why is she blowing up his phone? My bf didn't pick up and says he'll call her when we get to the hotel and maybe I'm wrong for feeling this way, but I'm super annoyed. Like we can't even have a vaca without her ringing off the hook. I mean, why can't he just tell her he'll call her when we get back....in 2 days. We booked this romantic hotel room and here my bf is going to be chatting on the phone with his mom. *rolls eyes*

 

This is hurting our relationship. Not just the calls but just how meddling they are in general.

 

Actually your bf's mom IS trying to interfere. Seriously, his mom has mastered all the techniques of family manipulation and control. Technique #1: no matter where the other person is or what they are doing, call them and insist on them responding to you.

 

That's a technique ... well known ... widely used by controllers and manipulators. Note: I'm not saying she studied this technique. Rather I'm saying whether by trial and error or dumb luck or study, his mom has mastered the technique.

 

So I'm reading between the lines: bf must have a lot of strengths for you to tolerate this oddly close and intrusive relationship with his mom.

 

I disagree by the way with the idea that business ... say a job or some other responsibility will allow this to "naturally work out." No, his mom isn't going to allow a job (even if he's half-way around the world) to block her for claiming first dibs on your bf. He could be working 20-hour days ... he could be in a war zone ... and she'll continue her intrusive ways.

 

It's not circumstance or accident that has created this dynamic--it's something deep in that family and how that family defines what it means to be a family member.

 

My other thought is to keep an eye on bf's ability to set boundaries in other parts of his life. OK confession time: I had a micro-managing, sometimes domineering mother ... though she wasn't as intrusive as your bf's mother. Still she was quite difficult to negotiate with ... well ... guess what? I carried over my weak boundaries with mom to other areas of my life. Took a lot of hard work and therapy to overcome that.

 

The problem with a partner with weak boundaries is ... they can easily flake on you ... if someone else makes a request. Just something to keep an eye on--if bf can set limits with friends and bosses and with himself.

[No_Go]

Find the good things about them - in the end of the day, they raised our bf to the man he is now:) Indeed he's not responsible what his parents are like...

 

Maybe bond over common interests with the mom. I think she's very anxious for some reason, it could be it is temporary, or that's how she is... But she likes you from your previous posts. The best I think is to get her on her side. I don't think she'll stop calling. My uncle's wife had a mom like this and she stayed with them to her last day, lived with them I mean.

 

For the dad just keep avoiding him, you have no choice there.

 

Great advice as always girl

 

I think you're right. I just have to accept it. It's just hard because they're so involved it almost feels intrusive. Like for example, we're driving to vaca right now and his mom has called 4 times. My bf can't pick up the phone because he's driving and I don't want to pick it up because I'm already thoroughly annoyed.

 

I do avoid his Dad and that works. Althought my bf sometimes wishes I would see them more. It's like one day he totally gets why I don't want to see his Dad and the next he doesn't.. So I end up looking like the bad guy, the oversenstive one. That really sucks because I really have been a victim of his dad's nastiness.

 

I guess, bottom line is...I don't like his parents considering the things they've done. I gues that's what the problem is. But like you said, there's nothing I can do. I just wish they didn't get under my skin so much. I know my bf can tell I don't like his parents even though I try to hid it as best as I can. It does cause a strain on us, as a couple.

 

I just want to know how to be less annoyed with them. How to not let them bother me. My bf can't help what his parents are like. I don't want to hurt him accidentally

[greymatter]

Hi Dis,

Ugh, they sound really, really difficult. I hate to say this, but imagine if you two got married and had a baby...his mom would not only call 10 times a day but she would be over at your house, and you would forever be stuck with his dad and the perv, and so would the kids.

 

I couldn't stand my ex-ILs and am so happy I don't have to deal with them any more. Seems like you two really need to work on boundaries with his family, but since he is wavering at times and being less understanding about it sometimes, I'd be concerned at the long term issues that would be caused by the current dynamics. That and the fact that he is okay with her intrusion on your vacation, which is clearly not a new behavior on her part, and his failure to ignore her calls and maintain boundaries as evidenced by his willingness to call her during your getaway is troubling and representative of the big issue this all is becoming. I know you love him but my concern is for you. Might be worth some counseling with a couples therapist if you are serious about staying with him long term.

Edited October 16, 2018 by greymatter
to fix run on sentences :)

[bene]

Do you think her calling several times is due to control or anxiety? These two can be the different sides of the same coin of course. I’m just trying to understand if she wants to have control over her son’s life or she worries that something has happened to him. I suppose she’s not open to therapy but there are ways to manage anxiety like CBT.

 

I don’t think this kind of relationship between parents and adult children is healthy but I agree with the others that it’s up to your boyfriend to enforce boundaries.

 

Maybe he could set up some routine that he calls his mother himself at certain times? This would be a boundary that yes, I will talk to you but I’ll do it on my own terms. And the mother would have something to look forward to.

[elaine567]

Of course it is cultural.

It is common practice in Eastern Europe for children to live with their parents until they are married. Even after, many young couples move in with their parents, and stay in one house while raising children. It is uncommon for children to move out once they've become an adult. Many children are raised by their parents, grandparents, and other members of the family, all under one roof. This practice shows the importance of family in Eastern European culture.

 

It is all about extended families, his mother doesn't want to let go of your bf, as to her it is the normal thing to do.

Your bf also I guess thinks it is normal. and probably likes it too.

I think you could get in the middle here and cause huge ructions and prise your man away from his family and have him all to yourself, but ultimately he is not going to be happy.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have a family like this and I think it's an Eastern European thing. It's hard for Americans and Australians to understand. I can't even fathom seeing my parents twice a year and barely having any contact. And that is when I lived few states away.

 

 

That family bond is something that I value over anything. A new BF would have to stay around for about a decade before he had a shot at denting that bond.

 

 

 

You also don't know what they do for him. I can call my parents at 3am when I am having a random work problem. Mum and dad put me on speaker phone and talk it out with me (the calls sometimes last for hours). And it's been like this all my life. Any day/hour./anything I need/financially.emotionally/practically. I have never had even 5% of that support in any other relationship. So yeah... boyfriends come and go it's the family that I rely on.

 

 

They do require one thing though: that's for me having to answer their texts and calls promptly. It's nothing to do with control, they are just highly anxious that something bad happened to me. The longer I don't reply, the more intense they get. To me it's a small price to pay.

 

 

Maybe it would be easier on you if you understand that it comes from a place of anxiety.

[Dis]

Wow, thanks for the responses guys! Much appreciated!

 

My bf ended up texting her when we got to our hotel, instead of calling after I talked to him about everything. So that's a good sign.

 

One thing I want to mention...I have a health condition that requires me to take medication. I'll have to go off of those medications when I get pregnant (down the line and planned). Myself and the baby will be fine as long as I minimize stress. I tried to talk to my bf about my concerns bout his mom's excessive ways and how that would apply to having a baby one day. At first, he had a hard time with how I would need his Mom to pump the brakes for my health and the babie's but after another conversation, he agreed to the so called 'terms' I had outlined. I'm happy we got on the same page with that.

 

My bf also knows his Mom can be out of line sometimes too. He doesn't see this all as normal. Like when his Mom randomly shows up at our house, that doesn't sit well with him and he let's me know that. He doesn't invite her in when we have things going on. So part of this is normal for him and part of it isn't. I talked to my Mom about all this and she calls it a "long term project" I think it will be too. But honestly, I'd really just like to move a few states away down the line which my bf wants too so that should help. Those are our standing plans.

 

I've head my bf tell me things about his Mom like she very manipulative and controlling (as another poster mentioned) and can be cruel at times which is why my bf's sister moved quite a ways away. He's not blind to her ways, I just think he needs to enforce boundaries more often and stop enabling her behavior. I think he's working on that little by little such as the texting her on vaca and not calling her back.

 

His Mom is really nice to my face and always picking up little things for me (without me asking) but I just don't have a good gut feeling about her. I don't feel like I can trust her. I feel like there's something lurking under the surface. Like despite how much she claims to like me....she sees me as a threat

 

She really has no idea how much her behavior has hurt our relationship and even if she did...I don't think she'd stop

[Dis]

So this just happened...

 

I'm starting a new position at work tomorrow. I got promoted! I asked my bf if he could be there tomorrow to wish me luck before work and he said yes. Then he said he wanted to go to this parents house to give his Dad his birthday present before his dad goes to work.

 

The thing is, he already spent time with his dad for his birthday..dinner out and drinks with the family.

 

It made me feel bad because I'm nervous about starting this new position. It's going to be a lot of stress. My patient/nurse ratio is going to be a lot more difficult so I'm just a little nervous and wanted his support.

 

After I talked to him about it he said he would be there but I know he'd rather be with his dad. I feel like sometimes, he puts his parents ahead of me. This is not the first time something like this has happened.

[Dis]

After having problems with my bf about his family, I have agreed to see his Dad again (not on a special occasion) so we can reach peace on this issue...

 

The deal is, if I give his Dad another chance and if his Dad is rude to me one more time, the book is closed. I go back to only seeing his Dad on special occasions. Meaning my bf will understand why I don't see his family a lot. No more arguments on this. No more misunderstandings. My bf agreed to not only respect my standpoint but to support it. My bf said if it got to this point he would know there was nothing else we could do for me to be close with his family due to his Dad's behavior.

 

 

If his Dad is not rude to me again (fat chance) we go on as we planned to being close to his family (reasonably so for me).

 

We talked about what this would mean for us long term, marriage, kids. My bf said if his Dad can't be respectful he understands why I would keep my distance from here on out. He's grateful for me giving his Dad another chance. He thanked me and I can tell he's fine with either outcome. I hope that is the case because my bf really values closeness with his family.

 

We also agreed he will not leave me alone with his Dad and if his Dad says anything rude, he will jump in to defend me and if I'm uncomfortable I will leave.

 

Any thoughts on this agreement? This last ditch attempt to give his Dad a chance, to give his family a chance to be close with me?

 

I'm seeing him on Thursday...I'm nervous about it

Edited October 22, 2018 by Disillusionment373

[Dis]

This is the update....

 

 

After having problems with my bf about his family, I have agreed to see his Dad again (not on a special occasion) so we can reach peace on this issue...

 

The deal is, if I give his Dad another chance and if his Dad is rude to me one more time, the book is closed. I go back to only seeing his Dad on special occasions. Meaning my bf will understand why I don't see his family a lot. No more arguments on this. No more misunderstandings. My bf agreed to not only respect my standpoint but to support it. My bf said if it got to this point he would know there was nothing else we could do for me to be close with his family due to his Dad's behavior.

 

 

If his Dad is not rude to me again (fat chance) we go on as we planned to being close to his family (reasonably so for me).

 

We talked about what this would mean for us long term, marriage, kids. My bf said if his Dad can't be respectful he understands why I would keep my distance from here on out. He's grateful for me giving his Dad another chance. He thanked me and I can tell he's fine with either outcome. I hope that is the case because my bf really values closeness with his family.

 

We also agreed he will not leave me alone with his Dad and if his Dad says anything rude, he will jump in to defend me and if I'm uncomfortable I will leave.

 

Any thoughts on this agreement? This last ditch attempt to give his Dad a chance, to give his family a chance to be close with me?

 

I'm seeing him on Thursday...I'm nervous about it

Edited October 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[No_Go]

Hey Dis, I think it's great to make another attempt to be friendly with the Dad, it shows maturity from your end.

 

What is the setting of the meet? Is it dinner out or at home? It will be good not to drag it too long, because he'd likely be on his best behavior initially and later alcohol, tiredness etc may make things worse. So if you can keep it short and sweet, and semi-formal... I think it will be ok.

[Dis]

I'm seeing his parents tomorrow and I'm actually incredibly nervous to the point where I'm shaky a little bit. I have a lot going on at work and some other crazy things going on so I'm feeling fragile.

 

I'm just dreading this. I don't want to see them, especially his Dad. I just feel like this is the last thing on earth I want to do but I know, like No_Go said, I need to to try. It means a lot to my bf that I'm going.

 

I just feel like my nerves and me not wanting to be there is going to show.

 

Plus I'm a little irritated because I was just talking to my Dad on the phone about something really important and my bf's phone was in the room and his Mom called 4 times in a row. My bf was at the other end of the house and my phone was charging on 1% so his Mom's calls interrupted the entire phone call. Turns out, when my bf called her back, the urgent matter was she wanted him to come over to try on some pants.... It's just things like this that get me annoyed.

 

How do I go see them tomorrow (at their house) without letting my nerves and feelings about them get in the way?

[40somethingGuy]

Dump the BF. Explain you will no longer be forced to be insulted by dad or molested by the creepy old man. Flat out say it is their fault but you will have no problem finding someone who has a family that can appreciate you and treat you with respect. Take a walk on all of them. Dad must be a real bona fide idiot to stare at you in a bikini in a weird way and the way he talks to you is just wrong. Sounds like a loser. I'd be worried that my BF is a spawn from that!

 

 

Can you honestly imagine being married into this family? If you do, I would imagine you've seen nothing yet. And since you'd be 'family' you would be 'theirs' to abuse. Why? Probably because you are better 'eye candy' than anyone they have ever been that close with and you would be theirs now (in their minds). It is clear they have no idea how to treat a young woman and my guess is dad is jealous he can't have what his son has. I know, it sounds creepy and bizarre but I doubt I am far off. Kind of like the kid who pulls the girls hair on the playground because he is trying to conceal that he actually is attracted to her but can't yet appropriately communicate so they act out. Getting married to your BF will only drive a wedge between you two as he will want his family to be a prominent part of his life especially when kids come. I sense a future disaster. Sorry.

[Dis]

Dump the BF. Explain you will no longer be forced to be insulted by dad or molested by the creepy old man. Flat out say it is their fault but you will have no problem finding someone who has a family that can appreciate you and treat you with respect. Take a walk on all of them. Dad must be a real bona fide idiot to stare at you in a bikini in a weird way and the way he talks to you is just wrong. Sounds like a loser. I'd be worried that my BF is a spawn from that!

 

 

Can you honestly imagine being married into this family? If you do, I would imagine you've seen nothing yet. And since you'd be 'family' you would be 'theirs' to abuse. Why? Probably because you are better 'eye candy' than anyone they have ever been that close with and you would be theirs now (in their minds).

 

Thanks for the reply

 

I actually just told my bf that I'm not going to go over to this see parents tomorrow because I need to take a day to decompress. He was fine with it, tucked me into bed and now I'm resting.

 

My bf blames his Dad for this, not me. He just feels bad because he wants peace, he wants us all to be close. He's talked to his Dad many times about the way he treats me. He's done all he could. I think he just thinks some of this is normal and it's not. It's a process but he's slowly understanding that boundaries need to be set and that I'm not going to be a part of this if his Dad continues to speak to me the way he does.

 

I am worried about marrying into this family. But don't get me wrong, I'm a feisty person and I'd put them in their place if I needed to and my bf would have my back on that. He sees their faults. He's not blind to them. He's just a little to accepting of them at times. But can you really blame him? This is what he grew up with. He doesn't know any different. I'm just glad he has self awareness and awareness to how his family acts.

 

My bf is a supportive, affectionate, loyal man. He's not like his Dad. He's embarrassed of his Dad. This is just something we're going to have to work on together moving into the future.