My Bf's Male Family Members....

[Dis]

Hi guys!

 

Loveshack is back up!!! I'm so glad everyone is still here! Yay!

 

My bf and his family are very close knit. They're Eastern European and love to spend time together...almost incessantly it sometimes seems. I come from a very American family, my parent's have always been focused on financial stability (and then some), prospering careers and distinguished education. My parents have never been rude to my bf, they're always treated him with the utmost respect. My family and I don't spend a alot of time together, never have, so being thrown into my bf's family dynamic has been a bit of a shock but mostly in positive ways. His Mom is such a peach, she loves me to death and I enjoy spending time with her. We cook together, chat, we're both RN's and love all things domestic so we have a lot in common. She goes out of her way to be kind. But my bf's Dad? Hmmmm that's a different story...

 

Since the very beginning, my bf's Dad has been rude to me. The first time I saw his true colors we were talking about their struggling family business and I offered my dad's help having previously speaking to my him. My bf's Dad said, "So are you speaking for your Dad now?" I didn't think much of it at the time but that was a pretty benign beginning to what was to come.

 

On New Year's Eve I was with my bf at his parent's house in the hot tub. I got out to cool off and stood there in my bikini for awhile. I turned my head to the right and there is his Dad, staring at me with his mouth hanging open, he didn't say a word. I quickly grabbed a towel. From then on he's been in the habit of staring at my chest. All. The. Time. At the dinner table, when I'm in the kitchen with my bf's mom. I've never worn revealing clothes around my bf's family but now I make an extra effort to cover up. I have a larger bust than most women so it's hard to find clothes that are loose around my chest but I try. I told my bf about it and he's terribly embarrassed. He seems to be at loss about what to do but remains supportive of me.

 

A few months later we were all out to dinner. I was sitting next to my bf and his Dad. His Dad did his usual routine of luring me into a conversation until I feel at ease and then...jab! He told me in a loud voice, in his thick accent that I should go on a "low calorie diet". In front of the whole table. The thing that struck me about his statement was, I'm not even overweight. It's like he was saying that just to be antagonist. My bf took my arm and rushed me out of the restaurant. We drove home and I cried. My bf felt awful and was livid at his Dad. My bf and his mom spoke to his Dad and he apologized through my bf's mom, claiming he was just joking and to that's not what he meant...blah blah blah. That seems to be my bf's family's and his dad's MO...He didn't mean it that way and don't take it to heart...????

 

I was now beginning to think he was going out of his way to be mean, to make me uncomfortable. He is succeeding to say the least. He even resorted to mocking the way I spoke at one point among many other rude comments.

 

My bf's mom and my bf seem to think I should fire back at him and maybe things would get better. When they continually suggest this, I feel like they're shifting the blame from him to me for not getting into a pissing match with him. It's not my responsibility to mend this situation. I've never been anything but polite, kind and integrated with the family. I'm not going to lower myself to his level just to try to pacify him and my bf's family.

 

After almost a year of his Dad's semantics that take place frequently through every visit, I've now made the decision to only see his father on special occasions. My bf is fine with that and understands. He remains disappointed in his dad but sometimes justifies his behavior claiming his Dad has an odd way of joking around. My bf does admit that his Dad has a mean streak and when when push comes to shove he holds his Dad solely accountable for his behavior and the damage it's done.

 

The funny thing??? My bf says his Dad really likes me. So....why is he so mean???

 

The last time I saw him was for my bf's Mom's birthday and his surprisingly wasn't rude to me. He didn't really seem like himself, he seemed off which is probably the only reason why he wasn't rude.

 

Now, because of this rare single occasion where my bf's Dad wasn't rude to me, my bf has now asked to have his parents over for lunch sometime. I knew this was a sensitive topic so I reminded by bf that unless his Dad refrains from being rude to me for a period of time, our agreement about me only seeing him on special occasions still stands. My bf is welcome to have his parents over anytime, it is our home together. I don't have a right to say, no. I told him maybe I can just go out while his parents are here. Honestly, I don't feel comfortable having his Dad and his Great Uncle in my home after everything that's happened. His Dad has insulted my cooking despite the fact I'm a great cook, he's insulted me in public so I can only imagine what would happen if he came over and I cooked for him. I would fly off the handle if was rude to me in my own home. I've bottled my anger up for almost a year so I really feel I'd just lose it. My bf doesn't really understand my feelings on this. I think this is all normal to him even though he resents his Dad for what he's done and agrees with me that his Dad's behavior is unacceptable.

 

As for my bf's great Uncle (95 years old)... he's groped me on several occasions when I've hugged him. The last time he groped me I pulled back and he grabbed onto my breasts. I haven't hugged him since and I never will again. My bf despises his Great Uncle. He's not a good man. My bf now puts his arm around me when it's time to say goodbye so his Great Uncle doesn't go in for a hug. My bf's mom takes care of his Great Uncle and lives in his parent's home so he's present for every get together. I'm appalled by what that man did, so is my bf. I don't even want to be in that man's presence.

 

My bf teeters from agreeing that his Dad is wrong to saying I'm being too sensitive. He always agrees that his Dad's actions are unacceptable but sometimes he's not as sympathetic about it as he should be. I think he' just so embarrassed by it and he's used to it so he tries to minimize the impact it has on me. He totally understands how I feel about his Great Uncle though, he can't stand him. Overall my bf is pretty supportive but has his moments.

 

Any thoughts on how to handle this situation? Thanks in advance!

Edited September 1, 2018 by Disillusionment373

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, did you tell bf about the groping? That's inexcusable ... You should have called the police on that old guy ... that would have gotten the family's attention.

 

I get that you don't want to stoop to his dad's level, but you do have the right (and it's not lowering yourself) to tell him that you don't appreciate his comments and you find them insulting, nasty, ignorant and pathetic.

 

You also have the right to "lose it" ... as in scream, yell, and all of that ... the line I draw is in calling someone names ... but labeling their actions "stupid" and "ignorant" ... totally legit. And adding some strong emotions ... also totally legit and well on this side of being nonviolent or destructive.

 

Sounds like bf is a lame three-fourths behind you ... but he needs to be 100 percent in your corner. If bf can't stand up to dad forcefully in public ... and stand firmly in your corner in private, then what's he going to do when other awkward situations occur? ... Is bf gonna wimp out like this if you get harassed at work, for example?

 

I would not go to the dinner if I were in your situation ... BF doesn't understand that ... then too bad ... That's very much worthy of a conflict and a fight (nonviolent) in which you stand your ground. Your right to avoid his dad's rudeness is non-negotiable.

 

There are times in relationships when you make a mistake to not confront and "fight." This may be one of those times. BF's trying to mediate between this ... there ain't no mediation. He needs to focus on protecting you.

 

BF can't get with that ... let his behind go.

[Dis]

Wow, did you tell bf about the groping? That's inexcusable ... You should have called the police on that old guy ... that would have gotten the family's attention.

 

I get that you don't want to stoop to his dad's level, but you do have the right (and it's not lowering yourself) to tell him that you don't appreciate his comments and you find them insulting, nasty, ignorant and pathetic.

 

You also have the right to "lose it" ... as in scream, yell, and all of that ... the line I draw is in calling someone names ... but labeling their actions "stupid" and "ignorant" ... totally legit. And adding some strong emotions ... also totally legit and well on this side of being nonviolent or destructive.

 

Sounds like bf is a lame three-fourths behind you ... but he needs to be 100 percent in your corner. If bf can't stand up to dad forcefully in public ... and stand firmly in your corner in private, then what's he going to do when other awkward situations occur? ... Is bf gonna wimp out like this if you get harassed at work, for example?

 

I would not go to the dinner if I were in your situation ... BF doesn't understand that ... then too bad ... That's very much worthy of a conflict and a fight (nonviolent) in which you stand your ground. Your right to avoid his dad's rudeness is non-negotiable.

 

There are times in relationships when you make a mistake to not confront and "fight." This may be one of those times. BF's trying to mediate between this ... there ain't no mediation. He needs to focus on protecting you.

 

BF can't get with that ... let his behind go.

 

Thanks for the reply!

 

I did tell my bf about his Great Uncle groping me and he wanted to drive back and kill him. He hated him before that but once that happened, he was livid.

 

Overall my bf is supportive. He feels really bad about what his Dad has done. When his Dad made that comment in the resultant he immediately took me by the arm and left the restaurant with me.

 

I think sometimes my bf is so embarrassed by this he tries not to focus on it and tries to move on like it didn't happen. So when I talk about it he sometimes gets frustrated but most times he's supportive.

 

He's talked to his Dad and told him he can't talk to me like that. But his Dad hasn't changed.

 

Most of the time his Dad makes those comments when my bf isn't in ear shot. I tell my bf about it after and he agrees it's rude and speaks to him again. But it still doesn't change.

 

I've told my bf I need him to stick by my side when we see his Dad and he has since we had that talk.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

For what it's worth, I think you are handling the situation the best way you can. You are being open with your boyfriend about it and asserting boundaries for yourself.

 

Family issues are a sensitive subject for most people so I can see why your boyfriend is torn between having your back, as well as theirs. Likewise for you, I'm sure you want to be close to his family, without causing "problems", but you also want to protect yourself from being treated disrespectfully.

 

As long as you can prevent it from becoming an antagonistic issue with your boyfriend and find a way to stay connected with his mother, you should be able to navigate your way through this situation.

 

I think it is unlikely his father will change, so limiting contact might be the only way to manage that problem for now. If your boyfriend knows that it doesn't prevent him from seeing his family, I'm sure he will get used to it in time.

 

The joys of family.

[preraph]

He just sounds like he doesn't know what to do or say around a young woman. Just don't ever end up alone with him is all. Try not to take his fumbles as against you. It may be covering up that he actually does like you (maybe too much)

[Lotsgoingon]

Bf cannot let his "frustration" interfere with supporting you and protecting you.

 

He should share his "frustration" with other people, buddies ... not with you ... you don't owe him support for dealing with someone who is harassing you.

 

Just keep an eye out to make sure bf isn't "normalizing" his dad's behavior, even as he renounces it.

[Chloefrost]

 

I get that you don't want to stoop to his dad's level, but you do have the right (and it's not lowering yourself) to tell him that you don't appreciate his comments and you find them insulting, nasty, ignorant and pathetic.

 

 

Actually agree with this! Maybe more neutral comments though. Like "this is unacceptable, i won't stand for it?"

 

Sounds like a really tough time! Sucks that the family is marring and otherwise seemingly good relationship.

 

Hang in there

[Dis]

Thanks for the replies everyone!

 

My Mom and my girlfriends say I should speak up and tell him he's being rude. I don't know if I should though. I kind of want to keep the peace but at the same time my anger is bottling up and I feel like I'm going to lose it with him at some point. I don't know if there's an in between point anymore where I can politely say, that was rude. I might just fly off the handle and I don't want to do that...that's why I chose not to say anything.

 

His Great Uncle absolutely disgusts me. I feel so violated. I had a nightmare about him groping me and I couldn't pull back from him. I don't know how his family expects me to be around him and chat with him like nothing happened. My bf told his Mom I wasn't going to give him any hugs anymore but the next time I saw them I was sitting with her and the Great Uncle and what did my bf's Mom do? She said to me, "He's waiting for his hug." I thought, what the ***???? It was like she threw me under the bus even though she knew what was going on

[Lotsgoingon]

Thanks for the replies everyone!

 

My Mom and my girlfriends say I should speak up and tell him he's being rude. I don't know if I should though. I kind of want to keep the peace but at the same time my anger is bottling up and I feel like I'm going to lose it with him at some point. I don't know if there's an in between point anymore where I can politely say, that was rude. I might just fly off the handle and I don't want to do that...that's why I chose not to say anything.

 

His Great Uncle absolutely disgusts me. I feel so violated. I had a nightmare about him groping me and I couldn't pull back from him. I don't know how his family expects me to be around him and chat with him like nothing happened. My bf told his Mom I wasn't going to give him any hugs anymore but the next time I saw them I was sitting with her and the Great Uncle and what did my bf's Mom do? She said to me, "He's waiting for his hug." I thought, what the ***???? It was like she threw me under the bus even though she knew what was going on

 

I'll get a bit philosophical here and say you're worried about keeping the peace. Well the great MLK and others have said, a peace based on your suppression and violation is not a real peace and not a sustainable peace.

 

So make sure you are not clinging to a false peace. You also have the right to speak to his mom in private and confront her, for example. I'm hoping you didn't hug that old guy ... but I bet you did, didn't you?! There is a difference between peace on the one hand and just putting up with craziness and abuse on the other.

 

Being wishy-washy in this situation is what leads to trouble later ... because people get the wrong impression. You think you're having a small impact on bf and his family. And hopefully you are having an impact.

 

But repeatedly this family has shown itself to be clueless and blind over sexual assault and harassment and just plain sexist comments. And without a challenge, they will continue their behavior with you.

 

If you don't push back, they will keep trampling over you.

 

Side note: seems to me you're spending WAY TOO MUCH time with bf's family. Don't you and bf have other things to do?

Edited September 2, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[Dis]

I'll get a bit philosophical here and say you're worried about keeping the peace. Well the great MLK and others have said, a peace based on your suppression and violation is not a real peace and not a sustainable peace.

 

So make sure you are not clinging to a false peace. You also have the right to speak to his mom in private and confront her, for example. I'm hoping you didn't hug that old guy ... but I bet you did, didn't you?! There is a difference between peace on the one hand and just putting up with craziness and abuse on the other.

 

Being wishy-washy in this situation is what leads to trouble later ... because people get the wrong impression. You think you're having a small impact on bf and his family. And hopefully you are having an impact.

 

But repeatedly this family has shown itself to be clueless and blind over sexual assault and harassment and just plain sexist comments. And without a challenge, they will continue their behavior with you.

 

If you don't push back, they will keep trampling over you.

 

Side note: seems to me you're spending WAY TOO MUCH time with bf's family. Don't you and bf have other things to do?

 

Oh God don't I agree with you! Before I drew a line and told my bf I'd only be seeing his Dad on special occasions I saw his family wayyyy too frequently. I kept telling my bf that while I'm okay with spending time with his family, it's not exactly my favorite past time. I don't think my bf and his family understands that it's not exactly a girlfriend's favorite thing to do to spend time with her boyfriend's family all the time. They act like we must get together every week! I get so annoyed with it.

 

I'm an RN and my boyfriend is a freelancer so we both have our own thing going on. His family doesn't seem to understand the simple truth that when a child becomes an adult, he's not going to see his family as much. And that's the way it should be in order to be a productive, independent adult.

 

My bf still sees them every week or two and that's fine. It's part of their culture to be close and I understand that. I'm just not budging with only seeing his Dad on special occasions and my bf is fine with that.

 

My bf's mom may not be the "peach" I described her to be. For example, my bf and I were grilling out back last night and his Mom called (as she does every day) and my bf didn't pick up as his phone was inside. She got so upset she texted, "If you don't pick up your phone I'm coming over there." My bf was pissed! He called her and asked what was going on, she said, "forget it, it doesn't matter now." My bf had some choice words with her and then hung up.

 

My bf's Mom doesn't really have her own life. She's stuck at home with Great Uncle (by choice) so she's kind of miserable. She begs him to come over all the time, he tells her he needs to work and can't be over there all the time. Thank God! The occasional times I do see here now she always says to me, "You guys need to visit more." It's super awkward. I'm a 32 year old woman, my life doesn't revolve around my bf's parents. She's responsible for her own happiness, not us. I beginning to think his Mom might be a problem too. She's very intrusive and needy, manipulative too according to my bf. I can handle it, it's just a PITA.

 

Oh and no I did NOT give him a hug! I said I had a cold. Yay!

Edited September 2, 2018 by Disillusionment373

[Lotsgoingon]

GREAT!!!!

 

You didn't initially say, so I was worried you actually gave that creep a hug!

 

Sorry to hear about bf's mom ... it's enough that the men in that family are whacked out.

 

Wow, bf's mom pulled the ultimate manipulation on son ... "forget it. It doesn't matter" ... after he returned her call. That's toxic. So hard for a child to react cleanly to that kind of manipulation.

 

Good luck.

[Dis]

I know I need to stick up for myself. The way his Dad treats me is not okay.

 

I just don't want to blow it out of proportion or be dramatic about it. His family always says, "Don't listen to him, he's just kidding." They make it seem like I don't have a right to be upset so my gauge for what is okay and what is not has been thrown off balance

 

I have a feeling when I do speak up, I'll be looked at like a lunatic by his family

 

It's all kind of a mind f*** to be honest

[Rockett]

Yeah the way his dad is treating you (and the creepy uncle) is really not okay. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

 

 

Is there anyone you know who's had difficult in-laws who can give you some advice? I feel like your bf is too close to the issue to be able to give you wise counsel. He has an interest in making sure you are ok of course, but he also has to manage his relationship with his family.

 

 

I like the idea of you standing up/putting your foot down, but it may be hard when your bf and his family are taking the "oh he's joking" line. That's hardcore avoidance. Maybe it's more of a conversation with your bf and his family where you put how it makes you feel out there in no uncertain terms, so that everyone feels like they now have to work towards creating a different dynamic.

 

 

 

Because even if he is "joking," it's certainly not funny, and you don't deserve to feel that uncomfortable around people who are central to your future life with your bf.

 

 

Good luck!

[preraph]

Maybe a smiling good natured sounding but LOUD "Why are you starting at me???" would make him realize you might blow the whistle if he doesn't watch himself. Do it so others hear and wonder what is going on. Don't keep any secrets for him. However, I still say he may just be awkward. You know there are old people who are awkward just as there are young people who are. But if he stares inappropriately, bust him out loud by laughingly where people hear so he knows he can't go any further.

[Imajerk17]

Hi there Dis! Good to see you here again.

 

You aren't going to like my take but I don't know what else to tell you. Your boyfriend's dad and especially his great-uncle, are NOT safe people for you to be around. What your boyfriend's dad did is creepy and what your boyfriend's great uncle did should get him arrested.

 

I do hope you are subjected to these people less and less. I understand that this is harsh advice, but I don't see any other way, you just cannot go your life being leered at and risking being groped. You have every right to protect your person.

 

Meanwhile, your boyfriend HAS TO take a stronger stance towards protecting you than he has. His stance has been unacceptably weaksauce. After this happened the FIRST time he should have made sure it NEVER happens again. What they are doing is SERIOUSLY wrong.

 

I mean, what if you and he get married and have a daughter. Will she be protected from his family? You deserve the same respect too.

Edited September 3, 2018 by Imajerk17

[kendahke]

The next time his dad says something messed up in front of the family, you need to turn to him and ask him "why are you so hostile towards me?" And don't be afraid to get up, call Uber/Lyft and get out of there and let the chips land where they will...

 

My bf teeters from agreeing that his Dad is wrong to saying I'm being too sensitive.

This isn't good enough from your boyfriend and I would tell him that.

 

You have a choice to be a part of this or not-he doesn't and maybe he's learned to live with what he can't rise above, but that doesn't mean you do.

 

I myself would have been done with him the first time his father went off half cocked---because you can't separate someone from their family, especially if they're very close to their family and are used to the abuse doled out--to the point where he's telling you to go walk it off.

 

But seeing that you stayed and observed that your boyfriend is a bit too wishy-washy on this, I'd give his dad one more time to mess up and if boyfriend didn't check his dad and good, I'd be done with him. Until that man dies, this is what you're going to be dealing with if you insist upon remaining with him---so you're going to have to figure out how to deal with the disrespect while being happy and content with your boyfriend.

 

When it comes to other people's families, never assume they are just like yours growing up. I just learned that brutal truth recently.

Edited September 3, 2018 by kendahke

[Scarlett.O'hara]

My bf told his Mom I wasn't going to give him any hugs anymore but the next time I saw them I was sitting with her and the Great Uncle and what did my bf's Mom do? She said to me, "He's waiting for his hug." I thought, what the ***???? It was like she threw me under the bus even though she knew what was going on

 

That changes things a bit. It would have been a lot easier if you could count on her to have your back. I guess you are left to manage this on your own.

 

You are absolutely within your right to assert a strict no hug policy with the Great Uncle, and if questioned by his family, a simple “You know why” should suffice.

 

As for his Dad, I agree with kendahke calling him out, "why are you so hostile towards me?". You can say playfully like a joke or more in a more serious tone depending on what has been said. The point is that you are going to have to find a way to keep him in line, or avoid him as much as possible.

 

I hope you are able to figure something out.

[Lorenza]

That's so typical. Where I come from, a lot of older people (especially the ones without any higher education) tend to blurt out all the stupid bs they have on their minds. Most don't mean anything bad, they just don't have a filter and/or manners, because it's so normal in their environment. Misogyny is also well tolerated among the older ones, it's just not frowned upon as much as in western countries. That's why his dad isn't embarrassed about starring at your chests.

 

I'm telling you this just to make you feel a bit better by letting you know it's not personal. It's not you, it's his dad's culture or lack thereof. He's a product of a culture that is a bit behind the social changes that has already taken off in western countries. Younger generations are catching on, it's just the older ones that lag.

 

You don't have to tolerate that or torture yourself by coming up with "comebacks" (I wouldn't want to lower myself to his level either) , but just know it's not something you've done, it's completely not your fault the dad's attacking you. For him it's normal to tease an attractive young woman in a nasty way. I've experienced that too.

[Dis]

Thanks SO much for your feedback everyone! I really appreciate it!

 

To the poster that suggested I no longer hug the Great Uncle. That's already done. I no longer give him hugs. My bf backs me on that. Not another hug will he get

 

Ok, the update...

 

My bf's distant family members are visiting. They're flying in from their home country. They're the family member of the Great Uncle. My bf asked me if I would go meet them at his parents house. I told him I'd think about it but if I did choose to go, I would need to him to be Johnny on the spot if his Dad said anything rude to me. As in, correct him right then and there. He had no problem with that.

 

After I thought about whether or not I would go, I chose not to for a couple of reasons. The first being I'd rather not be around his Dad unless I absolutely have to. The second, work has been crazy and I have tomorrow off. I'd much rather spend time unwinding rather than be berated by his Dad.

 

My bf said it's fine that I'm staying home but his Mom will wonder why I'm not there. Uhhhhhh. I think anyone that has any sense of respect and boundaries would know why I'm not there. Now I'm going to look like the bad guy for not going. His Mom is manipulative so I'm sure she'll have her opinions about it and will most likely tell their circle of friends

[No_Go]

Hi Dis, good to see you back here!

 

I’m with Lorenza on your issue. What you describe is bad, but very stereotypical male behavior for this part of the world. I mean his comments about diet etc- he’s not thinking of it as offensive, he’s thinking it’s funny to see your reaction. You’re doing right to distance yourself, I don’t think the dad or the old uncle are capable even if willing to change.

 

For your update: just make it known to them you’re not going because of work overload and leave it at that. Maybe sent a small gift or something to make a statement that you have nothing personal against them, you’re just tired/busy with work, and leave it at that.

[Dis]

Hey guys!

 

I feel so bad I totally forgot about this thread!

 

Thanks so much to everyone who offered their insight!

 

A part of my thinks like Lorenza and No_Go. That this is just how men of his culture behave and a part of me has no tolerance for it anymore.

 

Either way, I think things will be ok because I've kept my distance and my bf has been supportive. His parents want to see me more though. My bf says they always ask about me. His mom bought me a beautiful pot of mums today. His parents really like me and want me to come over all the time.

 

A part of me wants to give it one last shot, as in maybe see his parents soon even though there's no special occasion happening. My bf wants me to be close with them but also understands I don't want to spend an evening being his Dad's punching bag. It's kind of a mind f**k situation where I'm not sure if I'm being too sensitive or if I have a right to stay away. As far as the Great Uncle goes, no one likes him so we're pretty much on the same page with that.

 

It's kind of weird because the whole family, even my bf to a degree thinks nothing is wrong so they're kind of surprised by not seeing me as much. My bf is the only one that can see what his Dad is doing isn't ok but he still has moments where he wishes I would give him another chance. He has to has his Dad's back as well as mine so I can tell he's torn.

 

Should I give his Dad one last chance?

[coolheadal]

Hey guys!

 

I feel so bad I totally forgot about this thread!

 

Thanks so much to everyone who offered their insight!

 

A part of my thinks like Lorenza and No_Go. That this is just how men of his culture behave and a part of me has no tolerance for it anymore.

 

<SNIP>

 

You forgot about this thread this is the first I am seeing and reading it. LOL So you had the same issue I had once. But you know who are you with ask that question to your mind? You are with your BF not his family. You need to stay clear of the Father. Do what you must but don't be near him. Don't listen to his comments and you can't change that sort of man because he's old school and he's the leader of the family and what he says goes. So in other words the best advice here is to stay clear of the family his and if you can't do that then you have to bite the bullet!

 

These type of families listen to the lead the Father your BF and his mother can be on your side but they can't be against his dad or her husband because of what he says to you. To them it jokes and you just have to deal with it. BF shouldn't get you too involve with his family. He should say Dad you need to respect my first wife (okay gf) she's not use to our ways of gestures.

 

I was told once when this stuff happens to get up and excuse yourself and head home. If the BF wants to join you or not but you can't stand this too long it will drive you nuts. Uncles his dad you not there for them your there for your BF. Not them..

Edited September 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

Respect is universal. It's not something that changes with different cultures, etc.

 

There maybe differences in other things but there is a thing such as plain old good manners. It doesn't take that much to practice them.

 

No one gets used to be treated wrong. If it keeps up you'll be resentful and it will impact you relationship.

 

If you want to give it a go fine but I'd lay out my expected boundaries and stick to them. Your BF should be smart enough to figure it out. If not then you really do have your answer.

[Dis]

Hey guys!

 

I posted a thread a few weeks ago about my bf's family, asking for advice about how to deal with his Dad's rude comments towards me and his Great Uncle's unwanted advances...

 

Yet despite distancing myself from his family, the problem seems to persist in some ways

 

My bf and his family (Eastern European) are very close, almost codependent in a sense (his Mom is). My family and I (American) like a healthy sense of distance and independence.

 

My bf seems to teeter between wishing I'd spend more time with his parents and understanding why I want to keep my distance considering his Dad's rude comments and his pervy Great Uncle. He tells me his parents ask why I don't come to see them more often and I'm left to scratch my head wondering if they have any self awareness at all. I kind of feel I'm made to be the bad guy despite being insulted by his Dad and therefore making myself somewhat scarce.

 

His Mom is as needy as the day is long. She calls sometimes two, three times a day, wondering why my bf hasn't called her. He tells her what any grown man would tell her, that he's an adult and has his own things to do. Sometimes, if she doesn't hear from him for a couple hours, she'll show up in our driveway

 

His Mom does things for us like buy us groceries even though we're independent adults and don't need her to. She'll try to use that as leverage to get us to come see her more often and then proceed to get angry if we don't. There has even been times when she's threatened to "come over" because he didn't pick up his phone. She doesn't have a job or much to do so she's all over him like white on rice and my bf admits that and gets frustrated with her. Whenever I do see her she says, "You need to come see me more often."...awkward!

 

My bf sees this behavior as unacceptable and would like more distance for them but doesn't know how to implement boundaries considering this is a long standing dysfunction. A part of me thinks he thinks this is all normal, for a 33 year old man to see his parents so often, calls from them many times a day, his Mom randomly showing up. We're having a hard time finding a balance between what I think is normal in regards to family and what he thinks is normal.

 

I tell him I'm not exactly psyched to see his parents considering his Dad is rude to me and sometimes he doesn't get it. I have a tough time with how involved his parents are with him but he tells me it's cultural, and maybe it is. He wants more distance from his family and he's working towards that which I can see...but in the meantime his Mom is kind of driving me nuts.

 

I feel like Deb in Everybody Loves Raymond!

 

I'm not sure what to do to try to facilitate more space between his parents (if possible) I know they'll never not be close which is fine but this feels a bit suffocating at the moment. I do know that when my bf gets more work freelancing he will see his parents less because he'll have more work to do. He's having a bit of a dry spell at the moment so it's tough. When he does have a full work load, things are different, things are better.

 

I guess I just don't know how to manage or balance our differences in family involvement.

 

My bf is a loving, stable, loyal man. I'm willing to put up with his family I'm just looking for pointers as to how to better handle his parents.

 

Any advice is much appreciated! Thanks in advance!

Edited October 14, 2018 by Disillusionment373

[coolheadal]

That's their ways of living but you don't have to get so involved with him and his parents. I don't understand why you are so bothered by them. Take two cars if you must go to his parents house. If the family treats you bad then you just say I am out. Jump into your car and leave. That's what I use to do. I am not putting up with such rudeness behavior. For me it was jokes I am okay with jokes but they go two far. If you do a joke on my ex-w family they didn't like it. Remember it's you and him not you him and his family.

 

As for his family what they do is acceptable to them. You can't change them and he not going to please you for his parents. So whatever goes on there with his dad and uncle with you just have to say enough in loud voice and say I am American I do not respect your advances. But you see in their country what they do it okay.

 

You need to not be so close to his family. He's going to be close because they're his parents and family. But my dear you just don't have to hang out with him and his family 100%.

 

I did that with my ex-w and her family I found out they weren't to be trusted. No matter what I did I couldn't feel right with them. I was better to be with my family instead. You love him you want to be with him but you don't have to be attached to him when he's with his family. You tell him you don't want to go with him too his family you tell him why and he has to respect your wishes. His mom is doing what she was told to do when she was little take care of the men. They're going to expect you too do the same thing once you both get to the point of marriage.

 

You have some insight to that when it happens already...