Should I play games?

[ExpatInItaly]

Remembered why I wanted a relationship without labels in the first place. Because I wanted things to be fun and light hearted, none of the stress and negative emotions that come with proper relationships. Darn my feelings. Traitors. Haha. Anyway will take the advice from you impartial logical people, cool things off and eventually move on probably.

 

This strongly suggests you've been dating the wrong men.

 

No relationship is perfect, obviously, and there will be highs and lows. But when it comes with this much ambiguity and stress and uncertainty - compelling you to feel you need to play games - you are going after the wrong dude.

 

This guy, I believe, is not ultimately going to commit to you. He's too fresh out of a separation and he's been having fun. If he's got a girl he slept with tagging along to his outings, I don't think his only motivation is just being "there" for her. Please.

 

A good relationship brings rewards that make it worthwhile.

Edited September 2, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[d0nnivain]

Now you have caught him in a 3rd lie -- his interactions with this other woman.

 

He's using the lack of labels to play the field. Sorry.

[smackie9]

OMG Cholefrost, you should have stopped him right there, and said "no I'm done with your lying. This is has to be over now".

 

 

 

Think about it....he's the one that has been playing games.

[Redhead14]

I think I'm afraid to sound like I'm bring needy and like I'm pressurising him..

 

You just make a statement for yourself. "Hey, xname, I am hoping to have a long-term committed relationship for myself out of my dating journey. I am enjoying the time we spend together and feeling like this relationship has what I'm looking for." And then let him talk. You're being intimate with this man. You are entitled to have clarity. I don't sit around waiting for someone else to control what is or isn't going to happen in my life. It's not like you're raising this issue after 3 dates . . .

 

"I am in an exclusive relationship" -- YOU are in an exclusive relationship. He's still married.

 

And then there's this: He said he has no major plans for us, not yet, and so on

 

we have no drama and are just really chill together. -- So basically, as long as you don't talk about important things/issues, he's all good with the "convenience" of the situation. He's made a pre-emptive statement that pretty much says he's not that serious about another relationship, IMO. Keep your mouth shut and it's all good, right?

 

And, it's not about what you say/express, it's about how. "This is how I feel and this is what I want".

 

Be prepared, however, for the dodge the issue responses - "Ah, you know, I've got a lot on my plate now, I can't give you exactly what you want right now (so you can keep stringing yourself along).

 

If a man feels that a woman with whom he has been intimate with and "exclusive" with for some time feels she is being needy and insecure because she wants open honest communication and clarity, he's not going to be a good partner anyway. You might be seeing something about his contribution to the failure of his marriage.

[Lotsgoingon]

Again, a third lie ...

 

Oh give me a break. He cannot mention to you that he has a woman friend? Come on now! ... This ain't 1950. These days most people have friends, even close friends, of the opposite gender, friends they have known longer than their dating partners.

 

You keep saying that he was CONVINCING. That most likely means he's a good actor and a good liar.

 

Confront a liar about a set of facts, yes, they will always explain ... and often convincingly explain ... Liars are good at the emotional element of lying ... that is ... the contrite (or outraged) tone of voice ... the reassurance that he likes you and wants to be with you. That's one reason you want to act on a lie--not ask for justification. Liars are really skilled at tailoring the lie based on the person they are talking to.

 

Note: when you call and basically ask for justification/explanation, what you're really doing is saying to him, come up with some half-way plausible reason that I can hold on to so I can close my eyes and and continue to date you.

 

Your reaction to one big lie ... let alone three ... needs to be confront, get mad, leave. Or leave! That's YOUR job in protecting yourself in this world where there are cruel people out there who will take advantage of you! Nobody is gonna come in and rescue us in these situations. It's up to you to be your own protective adult.

 

Perhaps work on your neediness ... If you're comfortable with and forgiving about being repeatedly lied to and ignored (when he goes silent), then there might be some underlying neediness to address ... or maybe confidence in your own judgment and your right to stand up for yourself.

Edited September 2, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[Gretchen12]

This is the kind of man my Mama warned me about. Ha! I wouldn't have him.

[Chloefrost]

thanks everyone for enlightening me and whatnot. Guess all's that's left to do is to gather the balls to end things.

 

At least I won't have to deal with always being asked last min for dates and repeatedly saying "no, I've already made plans, can't you do this in advance?" Hahaha.

 

And back to working on myself! Probably won't date anymore, this whole dating scene sucks.

[Lotsgoingon]

Keep going Chloefrost,

 

You don't want to retreat behind dating sucks ... because to be honest, you blew through the first rule of finding good people: sticking around when someone lies to you.

 

Keep going ... and just screen out liars! ...

 

Do that and your dating will be much more satisfying.

[ExpatInItaly]

Keep going Chloefrost,

 

You don't want to retreat behind dating sucks ... because to be honest, you blew through the first rule of finding good people: sticking around when someone lies to you.

 

Keep going ... and just screen out liars! ...

 

Do that and your dating will be much more satisfying.

 

I agree. You need to develop a stronger filter, OP.

[Gretchen12]

Probably won't date anymore, this whole dating scene sucks.

 

More like, this guy sucks! There are better men out there. For if not, our whole species is doomed!

[Chloefrost]

Ended things. He asked if we could try again after his divorce is finalised though. I'm not too sure what this means, but i think a part of me doesnt care anymore.

 

So...Okay, that's done. Self-improvement time!

[ExpatInItaly]

Ended things. He asked if we could try again after his divorce is finalised though. I'm not too sure what this means, but i think a part of me doesnt care anymore.

 

So...Okay, that's done. Self-improvement time!

 

Eh, don't make any plans with him for the future. Chances are you will have moved on by then, anyway.

 

You did the right thing.

[Lotsgoingon]

Great move Chloefrost!

 

You showed a lot of resilience in the way you handled our comments. If you can take in our comments here, you can handle the next guy who comes along with ease ...

 

Use this not as a "never again" experience ... though yes, you don't ever really want to forgive a big lie ... but use it as an update of the dating software ... a finetuning of your approach to finding a man for you.

 

Cutting ties with this guy is a HUGE success. Based on your initial message, you felt something wasn't right ... and you seem quite balanced so you probably felt something was imbalanced and odd about the relationship for a while now.

 

So you took action ... positive action ... It is so easy (and I've been there) to put our heads in the sand. You didn't. Another success.

 

Seriously screening out jerks is as important as gravitating toward the right person for you.

[Chloefrost]

Thanks ExpatinItaly and Lotsgoingon!

 

Eh, don't make any plans with him for the future. Chances are you will have moved on by then, anyway

 

Yea, was wondering about that. Cos he asked about contacting me again once everything is simpler and he can commit. But I feel that that may just mean I will have a part of me waiting around?

 

Great move Chloefrost!

 

You showed a lot of resilience in the way you handled our comments. If you can take in our comments here, you can handle the next guy who comes along with ease ...

 

Use this not as a "never again" experience ... though yes, you don't ever really want to forgive a big lie ... but use it as an update of the dating software ... a finetuning of your approach to finding a man for you.

 

Cutting ties with this guy is a HUGE success. Based on your initial message, you felt something wasn't right ... and you seem quite balanced so you probably felt something was imbalanced and odd about the relationship for a while now.

 

So you took action ... positive action ... It is so easy (and I've been there) to put our heads in the sand. You didn't. Another success.

 

Seriously screening out jerks is as important as gravitating toward the right person for you.

 

THANK YOU! Haha, my usual MO is really to just take it, believe, rinse, repeat, then eventually snap. But I just don't want to get to that emotional state ever again. So breaking out of the cycle!

[Lotsgoingon]

The problem with him calling you "later" ... when everything is finally sorted ... as in a real divorce, not the fake one ... the problem of course is that you can easily end up waiting ... and hoping he changes and hoping things work out.

 

Which is a recipe for not moving on ... for staying in the same cycle ... and that thinking blocks you from rejiggering the brain to date new people.

 

So full NC is best no, we don't work as a couple. It's over. ... because if you are at all open (if you leave that door open any bit) when breaking things off, the brain will be hijacked by foolish thoughts of "he'll change" (or in my case "she'll change") ... and this will work out ... and yada yada.

 

Next thing you know, you're walking around thinking about ... hoping to get back to this person--even miraculously. So yeah, I think it's easiest on us ... and most healthy to close that door firmly.

[Chloefrost]

The problem with him calling you "later" ... when everything is finally sorted ... as in a real divorce, not the fake one ... the problem of course is that you can easily end up waiting ... and hoping he changes and hoping things work out.

 

Which is a recipe for not moving on ... for staying in the same cycle ... and that thinking blocks you from rejiggering the brain to date new people.

 

So full NC is best no, we don't work as a couple. It's over. ... because if you are at all open (if you leave that door open any bit) when breaking things off, the brain will be hijacked by foolish thoughts of "he'll change" (or in my case "she'll change") ... and this will work out ... and yada yada.

 

Next thing you know, you're walking around thinking about ... hoping to get back to this person--even miraculously. So yeah, I think it's easiest on us ... and most healthy to close that door firmly.

 

LOL SO TRUE. I've been kinda thinking quite a bit about him. He asked me what issues I had with him so he could work on them, and I was contemplating sending him a long letter just to get it off my chest and get closure. I'm the type of person who needs to at least express that to move on. But at the same time, I'm wondering if that's the smart way to go about things, or if I should just cut him off now without the letter.

[Lotsgoingon]

Let him figure it out!

 

That's his job. He knows he lied to you ... and if he doesn't, you pointing out won't help. And yes, that entangles you in his life further.

 

It's our own job to figure out how to improve. And if we want the help of others, we should not lie and mislead those we want him from. And he'll be putting his hooks into you and trying to weasel his way back into your life if you start the dialogue. No, he needs to put in the work for his life! Not use you!

 

You lied three times. That's all you should say. No details. Liars know how to twist details.

 

But I'll say this: your guy sounds like he's half-way good ... which is a terrible combination ... a liar who is half-way sensitive ... So easy to wanna give him a pass. But don't. The right guy will work hard to keep you happy from the get-go and wouldn't dare lie.