Chloefrost Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 I know, it sounds awful. But I do feel that sometimes girls do need to play the game and be less open and available with their thoughts and feelings. From experience, being upfront and open with emotions have quite often led to the other party pulling away. My situation here is that I'm dating someone exclusively, but I've no idea where it's headed. Dates go great, we have so much to chat about, the kind that hours fly by and we talk long into the night. However, I have some reservations. We have been dating exclusively for a couple of months, but still no official commitment to each other (i.e. labels). He tends to disappear on text for a whole day and usually without explanations. He's supposed to get divorce proceedings started, but seems to be putting it off, though they've been separated for more than a year. He said he has no major plans for us, not yet, and so on. So pretty much stuff that I could choose to overlook, cos I know I tend to overthink stuff. But at the same time, I feel like just airing things out instead of quietly pulling away in case I get hurt. But I've learnt that when you express emotions like this, you may be seen as needy and very unattractive. He's also mentioned that he once thought i might be drama when we first started dating as I had been really upset one night over some life stuff and called him to meet up to talk about it. He has said since that he's glad we have no drama and are just really chill together. So I'm worried now, too, that bringing these topics up will make him think I'm bringing "drama" into the equation. In all honesty, how do people feel? Should I deal with my own doubts and insecurities, and just see how things go? Perhaps just cool things off and be colder (so many peiple have said that playing it cool/hard to get is really important) Or should I talk about it with him? In your opinion, when you're on the receiving end of such talks, does it make you feel suffocated/annoyed and that the other party is too needy and insecure?
smackie9 Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 You are not over reacting at all. You are dating a man that is still married. Dear you are neglecting the red flags. I say get out and this is why: a divorce can take over a year to settle...so what, you are going to be in limbo for the next year or so? You don't even know if he is being totally honest with you. This divorce may not even happening. If he was the slightest serious about your relationship, he wouldn't have an issue being committed. IMO he's stringing you along. Never take what they say as a promise...it's all talk hun, and you are definitely wasting your time on this. 2
Whodatdog Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 I can't tell what you want. I dont know if you know what you want. You're dating exclusively. He's not divorced, and doesnt seem in any hurry to get one. He has no major plans for the two of you. Thats pretty much it in a nutshell. You want a label. What would you call this? 1
Author Chloefrost Posted September 1, 2018 Author Posted September 1, 2018 (edited) Your replies make sense, but he does honestly seem really sweet and decent, I've met his best friend and his parents seem to know I exist? Does it mean anything if he meets me really often, 3 to 4 times a week, and is really sweet and gentlemanly? He also said he wants a divorce, cos he is serious about me, will start on it. Just hasn't seemed to, no updates at least and I'm scared to ask. I've also met his best friend, his parents apparently know that I exist Edited September 1, 2018 by Chloefrost
Whodatdog Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 Why are you scared to ask? Are you scared of the answer? 2
smackie9 Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 hey hun, it takes two to tango. You need to stand up for your own expectations and let him know where YOU stand on this, or you are setting yourself up to get led on, and taken advantage of. You don't have to be an a hole about it, just be firm. You DO have the right to have your own say in where things are going. IMO it's not fair to just leave it at...not right now, maybe later. I'm sorry but that isn't acceptable....isn't that why your are here?
Author Chloefrost Posted September 1, 2018 Author Posted September 1, 2018 Why are you scared to ask? Are you scared of the answer? I think I'm afraid to sound like I'm bring needy and like I'm pressurising him..
Author Chloefrost Posted September 1, 2018 Author Posted September 1, 2018 hey hun, it takes two to tango. You need to stand up for your own expectations and let him know where YOU stand on this, or you are setting yourself up to get led on, and taken advantage of. You don't have to be an a hole about it, just be firm. You DO have the right to have your own say in where things are going. IMO it's not fair to just leave it at...not right now, maybe later. I'm sorry but that isn't acceptable....isn't that why your are here? I think it was acceptable to me then, and still is, if it's not going to drag on for a long time. If I know that we are working up to a commitment, that'd help. But would asking about it seem insecure and desperate?
smackie9 Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 I think it was acceptable to me then, and still is, if it's not going to drag on for a long time. If I know that we are working up to a commitment, that'd help. But would asking about it seem insecure and desperate? This is your relationship too....communication is key and you should be able to speak your mind freely about how you feel. If he can't accept your position on this then you two are not on the same page.
stillafool Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 Your replies make sense, but he does honestly seem really sweet and decent, I've met his best friend and his parents seem to know I exist? Does it mean anything if he meets me really often, 3 to 4 times a week, and is really sweet and gentlemanly? He also said he wants a divorce, cos he is serious about me, will start on it. Just hasn't seemed to, no updates at least and I'm scared to ask. I've also met his best friend, his parents apparently know that I exist If he's said he is serious about you and will start divorce proceedings how can you say he has not made a commitment to you? I know myself as a divorced person, the last thing I wanted to do after we filed for divorce and it was granted, was to get into another serious relationship. I wanted to date around, have fun and enjoy my freedom before I wanted a committed relationship. I am married now. I am a woman.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 You're afraid of looking needy because you already know this man is not on the same page as you. You want more, and he doesn't, at least for now. In my experience, there is no need to play games when you meet a good guy who wants the same things you do. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 Game playing is bad. Learning to keep your own counsel is good. Self confidence is sexy & when you have it, you will not appear needy, clingy or weak when you ask the other person where certain things stand in your relationship. Open & honest communication is wonderful in a relationship. Spilling every deep dark secret & fear in your life to a new SO within months or worse, weeks of having met is horrible. Your new SO is not your therapist. There is no need for an overly personal data dump early on. Gradually reveal parts of yourselves over time. People pull away when you overshare in inappropriate ways. Let someone earn your trust over time -- like a year -- before you are forthcoming with everything. Until his divorce is final, the only label he can offer you is "mistress." I'm guessing you are hoping for GF. The problem is you have given your heart away to a man who is not in a position to reciprocate. He can't give you his heart because even if he initiated the divorce, his heart is lying broken in his lawyer's filing cabinet right now. Chill about the texting. His unwillingness to text you constantly is not him disappearing. It is you being needy, clingy & insecure. He has a good time with you. He probably likes you & enjoys your company you already have all he has to give. Sorry. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 He's supposed to be getting divorce proceedings started? What the heck does that mean? You have put yourself into a situation of inherent insecurity. Not because of your hangups (though you might have those) but because he's a married man. I would say it's not playing games, but it's being careful and reasonable and real ... to stop building feelings for this guy until: he's divorced, as in he receives the official notification from the state .. even filing for divorce and being divorced aren't the same thing ... he's emotionally clear of the divorce ... divorces have notorious emotional hangovers. he's ready to date seriously again. There is often a gap between #1 and #2 ... and often a gap between #2 and #3. You have skipped three steps here ... I know that hurts to hear, but you don't have firm ground to stand on right now. No wonder you're afraid to talk to him. Slow your feelings down. You're putting yourself in risk of major hurt here. 1
Author Chloefrost Posted September 2, 2018 Author Posted September 2, 2018 (edited) When we first dated, i shared that I had gotten a divorce before. He told me he had gotten a divorce last year, so I thought it was fine to date. He later shared that he was separated, hadn't started divorce proceedings. I said I wasn't ok with that, and he said he'd start on it after he has been separated for a year. Now it has been more than a year since they separated, and he hasn't mentioned anything about starting the proceedings, which is whats worrying me. I get all that about dating a married man, it's just that for me, i had dated before my divorce was finalised, and I was ready for dating even then, and not trying to hurt anyone. So i figured perhaps he's the same way? We were both left by the partners for others, so i figured he wouldn't want to hurt anyone the way he was hurt? I get that the texting thing is probably just my insecurity, glad i checked in about that. Other stuff though, I'm not sure about. I do want to cool things off a bit until everything is no longer up in the air, but i guess I'm also just wondering if I should believe what he said about being serious about me and just ride it out. Edited September 2, 2018 by Chloefrost
Lotsgoingon Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 (edited) When we first dated, i shared that I had gotten a divorce before. He told me he had gotten a divorce last year, so I thought it was fine to date. He later shared that he was separated, hadn't started divorce proceedings. I said I wasn't ok with that, and he said he'd start on it in August. Now August is over, and he hasn't mentioned anything about starting the proceedings, which is whats worrying me. I get all that about dating a married man, it's just that for me, i had dated before my divorce was finalised, and I was ready for dating even then, and not trying to hurt anyone. So i figured perhaps he's the same way? We were both left by the partners for others, so i figured he wouldn't want to hurt anyone the way he was hurt? So are you saying he lied to you and you looked past that? If you let him get away with lying to you (and there is no such thing as confusion about what being "divorced" means--none!) ... then of course, it makes sense that you're struggling to stand up to him now. The lie about being divorced is one of those RED FLAGS. There's so little stigma these days that there's no need to lie about that. That's grounds for stopping things right then and there. That was a mistake that put you into insecure territory. BTW: I disagree with the verdict that his disappearances from texting mean nothing that his lack of explanations mean nothing. That's not possible. They mean a lot! And they mean a lot precisely because he's not taking steps to divorce ... so you're already feeling insecure ... and so any "little" thing (and I don't dismiss disappearances as necessarily little) will trigger you. And no, going out three times a week with you doesn't mean he's only dating you. Pay attention to those times he goes silent without explanation. Again, that seems to be an imbalance in the relationship--against you. Definitely slow down and even back up ... You really don't want to forgive a lie at the start of a relationship ... because even if the person apologizes, they basically come away thinking there's no penalty for lying to you. I don't think you're overthinking at all. I think you're feeling the effects of an imbalanced relationship that started with your partner lying to you about being divorced. Edited September 2, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 1
Author Chloefrost Posted September 2, 2018 Author Posted September 2, 2018 That makes so much sense. Not what I wanted to hear, but I guess I needed that, so thanks! Guess I'll have to toughen up do something about it.
shellybing Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 (edited) {snip} In all honesty, how do people feel? Should I deal with my own doubts and insecurities, and just see how things go? Perhaps just cool things off and be colder (so many peiple have said that playing it cool/hard to get is really important) Or should I talk about it with him? In your opinion, when you're on the receiving end of such talks, does it make you feel suffocated/annoyed and that the other party is too needy and insecure? Be open, be honest, be yourself. The right one will come along, and if it is not going anywhere just enjoy the company. Edited September 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
BluEyeL Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 I only read the original post and only up until it said he’s just separated and dragging his feet on filing. You could play games, and they do work , but only in the short run . On the long run, dating a separated man has very low chances of success! If I were you, I’d end it now so I can take the time I need to get over it and then be ready to find someone available instead of wasting my time being a rebound for a separated guy.
mortensorchid Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 I don't think you are playing games. You are saying by your post description that you want him to divorce his wife and be with you. Reasonable expectation to want to do that, but a separated man is raw with emotion and not ready to get into something with someone. He may be someday but not until it's over and done with in the marriage. Keep your options open, don't push for things, and try - TRY - to be happy with the status quo. If not, then ... You have to move on.
Author Chloefrost Posted September 2, 2018 Author Posted September 2, 2018 Thanks everyone for all the really thought out replies. I guess I knew it was a risk dating a separated man, one who's only had one gf for ten years, who theb became his wife. He claims he has no intentions of going back to her, and wants us to work out. But i guess my logical part also knew that things weren't right somehow, this whole dating but unofficial and going to get a divorce but not yet kind of thing. Just needed to be told, cos I'm pretty bad with choosing logic over emotions. I'll probably cool things down for a while, then do a clean cut if things are status quo. Cos it does feel very uncomfortable for me dating someone who's still legally married and not eager to move to the next step. Can't really keep my options open w the status quo too, cos he requested for exclusivity. Ah well. At least this is still rather early, probably cut my losses. This still sucks though.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 He told me he had gotten a divorce last year, so I thought it was fine to date. He later shared that he was separated, hadn't started divorce proceedings. I said I wasn't ok with that, and he said he'd start on it after he has been separated for a year. I get all that about dating a married man, it's just that for me, i had dated before my divorce was finalised, and I was ready for dating even then, and not trying to hurt anyone. So i figured perhaps he's the same way? We were both left by the partners for others, so i figured he wouldn't want to hurt anyone the way he was hurt? OP, these are big red flags. And you have been a little naive about all of this, if I may say so without trying to be unkind. He lied about already being divorced. That is not a small lie, in my opinion. Coupled with the fact that his wife left him, and he seems to be dragging his feet now, and you have a man that likely does not really want to end his marriage. I think this man is just not ready for a serious relationship and has not healed from the collapse of his marriage. 1
Whodatdog Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 I think I'm afraid to sound like I'm bring needy and like I'm pressurising him.. No, it is not being needy and pressuring him, its about standing up for yourself and your standards. You need to know what he is doing, and when he is doing it, because if he isnt going to, you need to tell him that its over. Its about you now, not him. 1
Whodatdog Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 I get that the texting thing is probably just my insecurity, glad i checked in about that. Other stuff though, I'm not sure about. I do want to cool things off a bit until everything is no longer up in the air, but i guess I'm also just wondering if I should believe what he said about being serious about me and just ride it out. No you shouldnt believe what he said about being serious, until he SHOWS you he's being serious, and that doesnt mean others knowing about you. He's already told you 2 whopper lies, that he was divorced, and that he was going to get divorced after a year. How many more does he have to tell you? 1
d0nnivain Posted September 2, 2018 Posted September 2, 2018 He told me he had gotten a divorce last year, so I thought it was fine to date. He later shared that he was separated, hadn't started divorce proceedings. I said I wasn't ok with that, and he said he'd start on it after he has been separated for a year. Now it has been more than a year since they separated, and he hasn't mentioned anything about starting the proceedings, which is whats worrying me. Other stuff though, I'm not sure about. I do want to cool things off a bit until everything is no longer up in the air, but i guess I'm also just wondering if I should believe what he said about being serious about me and just ride it out. You can't believe him. He has lied to you twice that we know about: that he was divorced & then that he would start the process at a certain time but didn't. Cooling things off is a wise choice. Simply breaking up is a better choice. 3
Author Chloefrost Posted September 2, 2018 Author Posted September 2, 2018 Talked to him about things, started doing some light fb stalking, realised a girl he had had a ONS with has been joining his hangouts with him and his friend. He said he hid it from me (would say he was out with his bro and not mention that she joined) cos it meant nothing at all and was awkward to say it. Had a convincing talk w him, where he seemed very clear that she meant nothing to him. That she was having a really hard time in a rlsp and he didn't want to cast her aside, just wanted to be a friend. Also that he will be starting the divorce proceedings as soon as possible, had already met up with lawyers to discuss. He said he'd prove his sincerity with his actions. Was pretty convinced, came back here, read the comments again and kinda snapped out of it. Remembered why I wanted a relationship without labels in the first place. Because I wanted things to be fun and light hearted, none of the stress and negative emotions that come with proper relationships. Darn my feelings. Traitors. Haha. Anyway will take the advice from you impartial logical people, cool things off and eventually move on probably.
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