Is it me???

[drm1207]

Hi readers!

 

I have a job, i have a car, i have an apartment in a nice area near the seaside but just recently ive been thinking i need to find myself a new lady friend before i end up being the male version of the scary old cat lady!!

 

Ive just turned 34, ive been single for over 4 years now (apart from a couple of regretful drunken one night stands!)

Im completely satisfied that i have no remaining feelings for any of my exes and im generally pretty happy with work and home etc.

 

Living in a small town, my chances of meeting someone new are somewhat limited so i had the bright idea of signing up to a couple of free dating apps on my phone. I tended to my profiles, filling in all the vital statistics and even sat and wrote a nice ''about me'' section explaining who i am, what i do, what i value and what type of person im looking for. I posted some recent pictures of myself proceeded to begin my search.

 

I got into a few conversations with various people, some were easier to talk to than others but eventually they would fizzle out and that would be the end of that. This was pretty much how it went for a long time until one day i got talking to a girl who lives about 50 miles away from me, she was really funny and we got along great, texting each other daily and talking on the phone.

There was definitely a spark so we arranged to go on a date.

 

The plan was: i go to her town, get myself into a hotel, then meet her for dinner and drinks in a place she recommended we go.

 

So i packed an overnight bag, filled the car up with fuel and drove the 50 odd miles to the hotel - excited about my little adventure and the potential of meeting someone new. I was nervous but im always nervous about meeting new people so that was nothing new.

 

We met up at the restaurant and chatted about general things, had a great meal and then - arm in arm - made our way to a trendy bar a few streets away. Cocktails were buy one get one free so we took full advantage of that and while we sat laughing and drinking i could feel the effects of the alcohol beginning to take hold, which only served to make me more chatty and open (not a bad thing because im generally pretty quiet due to nerves).

 

So we were getting on great and we were a good few drinks in by now, i went to use the toilets and came back to sit with her but she didnt look happy anymore and had gone quiet so i asked her what was wrong and she just abruptly stood up, grabbed her phone and walked outside. I could hear her on the phone asking for a taxi so i just kinda sat there wondering what was going on. Literally 10 seconds later, as i was making my way out to ask her what was happening a taxi pulled up and she got in and left!!

 

I was now stranded and drunk in a town i didnt know and really confused!!

 

I eventually got back to my hotel and got into bed, i replayed every detail of the night in my mind to assure myself that it wasnt something i had said or done to upset her and i desperately wanted to know the reason why she just took off like that. At the same time though, i was feeling a bit angry so i decided to just try and sleep and get in touch with her in the morning.

 

Morning came and i was awake early, i saw she was online so i asked what the hell made her leave like that and was she ok etc...

The reply i got was a battering of criticism, she basically took me apart psychologically and highlighted every weakness i have and some even some i didnt know i had!

Some examples included:

 

- Not paying her a compliment on how she looked when we met.

- Not bringing her any flowers.

- Not instigating enough conversation

- Having a brief conversation in French with a french lady who we got chatting to.

 

She went on to make a rather detailed but unfounded and harsh judgement on my personality based on the 4 hours we spent together.

 

So... tired, hurt, upset, annoyed and stripped of my ego, i went home and spent the day in bed feeling sorry for myself.

 

I decided to leave the whole dating thing alone for a while. Ive since spoken to the girl and she explained that she was in a bad place at the time and was going through some issues with her ex and wrongly took it out on me, she apologised, i accepted. We left it there.

 

Back onto the dating sites then!!

 

Sifting through the obvious psychopaths and people who cant take a picture without using a snapchat filter, taking part in many an anti climatic and fruitless conversation, i eventually came accross a girl who gave me that all important spark. We got talking, we swapped numbers, she was great, i felt great, it was all great. until.... she added me on Facebook!

 

I did the usual thing anyone does when you get a new friend on Facebook, you have a good look at their timeline and profile pictures!

Her cover photo was of her and an unknown man, hugging and smiling for the camera. He looked quite a lot older so i assumed it was her dad or an uncle or something. But then in her timeline i learned that this was infact her ex boyfriend of 5 years and he had comited suicide just over a year ago.

 

She had never spoken or even mentioned about it before but there it was plastered all over her Facebook page.

Obviously i respected the fact that she'd lost someone close to her and could absolutely understand her having a photograph of them together. The more i thought about it the more it bothered me so i asked her to talk about it with me, i figured i would be able to gauge how she felt about it and where she was in the way of grieving her loss.

It soon became blindingly obvious that this guy was the love of her life and she was pining for him and desperately sad that he wasnt here anymore. This led me on to ask what she was doing on a dating website if she had no intention on moving on from her ex. I think i may have touched a nerve because all i got in reply was ''Dont ever speak to me again and delete my number'' - which ofcourse i did quite happily!

 

So... drawing from my experiences and some of the conversations ive had, i have tried to make some sense of this online dating scene. It seems that the majority of people who use these sites are emotionally broken and or morally vacant. Im sure there are lovely people on there without the emotional baggage, but there are so many other factors to take into consideration when finding a potential partner, and for me, every single one of them has to fall into place to achieve my goal. I can make decisions on people within seconds just from looking at a photograph. If someone says something i dont really like or agree with, i make my judgement instantly!

 

So i guess im asking, is it me with the emotional baggage? Am i too critical of people? Am i asking too much or being unrealistic? Am i doing the whole thing wrong? Do i need to try another angle or just write online dating off as a bad experience?

[brokenheartszn]

Keep it moving. Date more women. It’s online dating so investment level is low. Especially on the first meeting. Don’t over analyze things.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Unfortunately you are at a bit of a disadvantage if you live in a small town because it will limit your options and make online dating one of your most feasible options.

 

The reality is that even if you do get dates you have to work your way through a lot of women to find a good match. It is so easy to sign up for online dating, any person can do it on a whim, whether they are bored, lonely, confused, on the rebound, resentful at an ex, trying to make someone jealous, dealing with baggage or in the middle of a drama filled relationship. You name it, they are all there trying to distract themselves. It sounds like you have already met two them already.

 

My point is that it isn't easy, and it takes a lot of determination and fortitude to keep searching and being open to online dating without becoming jaded and cynical with the process.

 

The good ones are few and far between, but they are out there. It just takes skill and a lot of luck to be able to pick them out from the time wasters.

 

I hope you find what you are looking for soon.

[d0nnivain]

It's not you but you do have to shift your expectations.

 

1. Assume people you meet off OLD are flakey. Yes it's possible to meet nice people there but it's rare. If you start off with low expectations, you won't be disappointed.

 

2. Don't text / chat / whatever too long. Look at a profile. Reach out. If you get a response arrange a MEET soon, like that week. Again I said meet. You both go somewhere & do something cheap & quick.

 

That woman from 50 miles away you never should have committed to dinner, drinks & a hotel. You should have picked a coffee house in the middle & met there on a weeknight for a hour long sober coffee.

 

3. Do things other than OLD to meet people. As small as your town is, you haven't met everybody. So vary what you do. Try a different coffee, grocery shop in the other store, volunteer somewhere. Just vary your routine so you widen the circle of people you come into contact with

[preraph]

The first thing I thought when you described the girl as you came back to the table and her having her phone out is she was rushing to her actual man. I have seen this look on friends of mine before. They're having a good time, then they check in with the man or ex or whatever they're calling the one they're not done with and he gets upset and they run to have their little drama together. So forget about all those ridiculous things she said. You're not her sugar daddy. This was all about her still holding onto her ex.

 

This other one is trying to move on but can't. Not your fault. Not ready to date. No, this is not the norm.