Could my girlfriend STILL be texting this guy?

[Zahara]

You will have to learn the hard way. She gave you very lame excuses and you gobbled it up.

 

She threw some tears and sex, blinded you and you completely lost all sense of boundaries and your self-respect. It's called emotional manipulation. And you fell for it.

 

The only thing you've taught her is that you're a sucker. Expect more bad behavior to come because she knows you'll tolerate it.

[Thingsfallapart]

I think this girl has completely made a fool of you and will continue to do so. This is 100% a case of monkey branching but you’re too blind to see it. I think that she will beg you back because the other guy just pumped her and dumped her and then you’ll take her back.

But you’ll be here later saying you’re girlfriend just upped and left you with no warning and you can’t inderstand why

 

Hahaha

I called it before it happened lol

 

I am willing to bet you’ll be back on this site in a couple of months because you got cheated on.

 

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink...

[CKJD]

Keep updating us, Rawlplug. I'm becoming invested in this outcome because I have been there before and I want to see you come out on top.

 

A lot of the advice you've been given since the update is pretty spot on and good, self-loving advice, but - since you still love her - I think we need to explore this coolly and gently too. It will help you make the leap.

 

I agree that it is very cringe inducing for her to swear on the life of a family member. It is overly dramatic and just comes off as insincere, as if her brother doesn't mean squat to her. Couple this with her hysteria and she comes across as very immature if not mentally unwell. I think she's upping the emotional storm to get you stuck on how PART of her still cares for you, even though the question at hand is why can't she let the other guy go completely.

 

She's in the thick of it right now and, even though you are certain there has been nothing physical with the other guy, there is a reason she can't let go of him completely. It's either that something has happened - maybe during the time she was distant before you even knew of his existence - or her intertest in him is high enough that she doesn't want to lose HIS interest by cutting ties. At the very least, she wants his attention, but that is still not ok.

 

I think you should look at her unblocking him as a pretty big deal breaker after all that has been said about the matter. Why does she even need to know whether he is trying to text her or not? If she says its because she wants to prove that he is instigating then she's being ridiculous. You don't need to know whether he is reaching out, you need to know that she's not receptive to his attempts at contact.

 

 

But she's unblocked him again, so...

 

 

I don't believe there is real remorse yet. Conflicted feelings for sure, but no real self-reflection or concern over what this is doing to you.

 

I wonder what she would say if she read what we are saying about her here. Would she double-down and accuse us all of being rash and not knowing the situation or would she see our points and learn that, if she values you, she has a lot of real work to do in getting things back on track?

 

Maybe you should show her this thread.

[Rawlplug]

Keep updating us, Rawlplug.

 

I think you should look at her unblocking him as a pretty big deal breaker.

 

Thanks for the measured response CKJD - if you wouldn't mind sharing your story of when this happened to you that would be be great? (Or maybe a PM if you didn't want to)

 

Anyway: I realised last night that the unblocking is a bigger deal breaker for me than I thought. I was very close to calling her and breaking it off last night but I ended up going to my Mum's to speak to her about it (lol) and she gave me 50/50 responses. She said why would she act so heartbroken to see me go if she didn't love me, but also why would she care about his feelings about texting her again. There's no good excuse at all to unblock him - she swears she unblocked him but they haven't spoken but how can I be so sure.

 

We are going on holiday with her sister and sister's boyfriend in 3 weeks time to Croatia, it has been booked for months - breaking up now and seeing her happy on holiday would feel terrible.

 

I think I might see how our relationship is when we get back, and if there's the slightest feeling she isn't absolutely head-over-heels about me then I'll cut my losses and move on.

 

Right now there are 3 reasons I'm with her:

- It would suck so hard to see her move on

- I find her so attractive, she's quite a specific type of hot that I like

- The possibility she does actually love me, and we have lots of good times

 

Right now I don't think I love her back, are those reasons enough to be with someone when you don't love them. Probably not. I don't picture a future with her currently but maybe things might improve? Maybe this kind of drama might bring us closer together? Am I holding onto the idea of something that is kind of sort of working and get hurt in a few months time. I have no idea. Would I regret breaking up with her now and seeing her with another guy, thinking there was some hope we could have found happiness together, still no idea.

[CKJD]

Anyway: I realised last night that the unblocking is a bigger deal breaker for me than I thought. I was very close to calling her and breaking it off last night but I ended up going to my Mum's to speak to her about it (lol) and she gave me 50/50 responses. She said why would she act so heartbroken to see me go if she didn't love me, but also why would she care about his feelings about texting her again. <SNIP>

 

Yes, I'll happily converse via PM and get into the details of my messy situation. Maybe one day I'll post my whole story but sometimes the nuances just become so overwhelming that you get to a point where it just doesn't matter anymore and you start to become happier not even thinking about it (6 long months for me but we're colleagues so I see her damn gorgeous face all the time, which has set me back at times).

 

You are nowhere near this stage yet but it will come one day and you will feel so much better.

 

I think it's good you spoke to your mum instead of her. I reckon right now the best thing you can do is withdraw from her a bit. Let her see how the distance she subjected you too really sucks.

 

In saying that, it's hard for our loved ones to fully appreciate the situation because not all of them are experts and, ultimately, they are not going through it. They want you to be happy, but they don't always see that right now you have to be at least a little unhappy for awhile.

 

You met a girl who is perfect in so many ways and she reciprocated these intense feelings. Life is amazing! The sex is incredible, which is a powerful motivator to stay, but then one major flaw crops up and the way you see her changes everything. But you're attached. You believe in her so you give her a chance and she lets you down again. This can't be right! Surely I mean more to her, this will change! She's even telling me it will. But then her behaviour contradicts everything she says once more.

 

lt sucks.

 

But recovery is a process and as long as you can remain calm whilst sticking up for yourself you will come out of this in leaps and bounds.

 

I think pulling out of the trip might be a good strategic move for you. I think missing out on seeing Croatia is a real bummer, but maybe you could travel somewhere yourself, or just get out and about in your local area knowing that you won't bump into her with some other guy during this time. The town is yours for awhile, so get her out of your head as much as possible and make some new friends! This will help you become accustomed to life without her without that gut wrenching fear of seeing her down the street keeping you inside and in the same headspace.

 

Odds are she will reach out to you again when she's back, and you can reevaluate your feelings then.

 

But if you stay and force it right now I reckon you will just feel more drained. There's no rule that says you can't reconnect ine day, but you want to see genuine growth on her part.

 

Lastly, check out Coach Craig Kenneth's videos on youtube. He does tend to focus on how to win an ex back, which is his main draw card, but really the value he has to offer is rooted in his knowledge of attachment styles and why people like your girl do what they do and why suckers like us put up with it for so long. He's a psychotherapist so it's all very sound. I've found him to be incredibly instrumental in my recovery.

Edited September 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

If she loved you the way you love her, she would have no problem keeping this guy away from her. It's not complicated. She's making it complicated because she likes him and doesn't want to let go. She knows what the price is too. And she's still not doing what's best for you relationship.

 

Her dramatics when you made a move to leave was just noise. Noise to distract you from the real problem, which very much still exists. Noise because she realized she might just end up alone, and she doesn't want that unless and until she knows this other guy is a sure bet.

 

She is simply waiting for the right moment to end it with you and go to him. And you know who actually holds the cards right now? He does. Not you (since you are evidently not going anywhere, for the moment), not her (since she isn't going anywhere either without a signal from him), but this guy she likes. Because as soon as he gives the impression he wants something more with her, what do you think is going to happen?

 

She will want "space" because she is "confused." She will need "time to think."

[Thingsfallapart]

Expat in Italy

 

è una perdita di tempo a parlare. È sciocco e non ascolta

[ExpatInItaly]

Expat in Italy

 

è una perdita di tempo a parlare. È sciocco e non ascolta

 

Si, è vero. Hai ragione.

 

Ma anche tu vivi in Italia, Things? Non lo sapevo!

[Rawlplug]

Yes, I'll happily converse via PM and get into the details of my messy situation.

 

I think pulling out of the trip might be a good strategic move for you.

 

I couldn't work out how to send a PM to you. But I basically wanted to hear how similar our stories were. Did you forgive your ex and she repeated it down the line? What happened for you to both break up.

 

In terms of Croatia I feel like if I don't go it will be the book shut. All her family will know we're on yet another break and would make everything awkward beyond repair. We've already been so on and off that I find it embarrassing and having everyone know we're split again would only make everyone tell us it's over.

 

I've spoken to some close friends about the situation today, and they've all been in the dump her camp. Up until now I've only really opened up to one friend and my parents about it.

 

She has been at work today and wanted me to go in and see her tonight but I've made excuses. I imagine she'll question why I won't come over tonight and know that something is wrong though. Since right now in her mind we are on good terms but in reality I'm seriously debating whether to bother staying with her and seeing if she deserves my time or not.

 

I had a look at Coach Craig's video's, I'll have a watch of them this evening.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why did you two initially go on a break to begin with, OP? I don't think I asked before.

[Rawlplug]

Why did you two initially go on a break to begin with, OP? I don't think I asked before.

 

She wasn't very intimate, not in the short term before but for the majority of our relationship - she was never that intimate. I communicated this with her and nothing changed so I broke up/went on a break with her.

 

She admitted when I first caught her out that she was worried of being intimate with me because had a fear of loosing me, and also she was "too intimate" with her ex who didn't like it, so she wasn't with me even though I asked for it.

 

After I caught her out she said she'd be more open and intimate and she has been since.

[Rawlplug]

Well thought I'd tell you guys how the story ended.

 

Just got back from the Croatia holiday a couple hours ago - we broke up mid holiday which obviously sucked. We we're with her sister and sister's boyfriend and so we just tried to act civil and didn't tell them, but between us it was obviously awkward.

 

The reason we split mid-holiday? She reconnected with an old friend from him wishing her a happy birthday and gradually ended up messaging him all the time, she got more secretive than ever with her phone, she made sure not a second went by where I could see it. She basically told me I needed to trust her again already. She doesn't understand it takes time to get trust back and after all the previous stuff that happened hardly a month ago and then expects me to be fine with her doing something that appeared to be all the same stuff again. Maybe it was genuine - but the volume of messages and being so secretive just points back to her old ways and I can't help but imagine that scenario again. If I came back from the loo or went to buy us a bottle of water, I'd get back and she'd be messaging him and then quickly exiting out. I told her if he's just a friend she doesn't need to be secretive about it but she was trying to hide it so much, she's clearly messaging in a way she shouldn't again.

 

Side-lining all of this, she also told me she planned a 'poker night' with her 2 single friends and 3 guys that she doesn't know at one of the guys houses one saturday evening and I feel that's not the kind of thing someone in a committed relationship should do; would you guys agree or am I being controlling about this?

 

I just dropped her home a couple of hours ago, I got her case out of my car and gave her a hug knowing it's the last time we'll ever see each other and it really hurt to be honest. I still really like her but we disagreed on what was appropriate behaviour in a relationship and I had to decide whether I'm heartbroken for a couple months now or in pain my entire life wondering what she's up to.

 

So I guess you were all right. Hopefully I've learnt my lesson now.

[jjb117]

Cut.Her.Off

 

Like unless you want to catch her making out with another guy, I think it’s time to break up.

 

There’s no trust, no respect, no passion.

 

If you don’t have those three, you don’t have anything.

Edited September 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Zahara]

It was bound to happen. She is patterned to behave this way. You did the right thing.

 

For self-preservation purposes, you need to block her. She will definitely be in contact again because she's the kind that needs attention and when she's in one of her low days, don't be surprised she reaches out to you -- she knows you could possibly be an available crutch.

 

And don't say, "oh, no she won't contact me, etc." -- usually dumpees say this because they secretly harbor hope for contact, hence choose to remain accessible.

[Rawlplug]

For self-preservation purposes, you need to block her.

 

We blocked each other on social medias this morning.

 

She sent me a long text last night which was like a final goodbye - she understands that it can't work and it's best for us to move on even if we have feelings for each other. I think that will be the end of it.

[CKJD]

Well, I told you not to go on holiday with her but it looks like the trip has actually enabled you to see her for who and what she is, which has helped you in the long run. And you got to see some cool sights abroad.

[ExpatInItaly]

This ending was inevitable, I believe.

 

She's been emotionally checked out for a while, and expected you to just play along while she behaved poorly and tried to manipulate you into believing you were the one with the problem (you weren't) But I promise you, this relationship wasn't going to last. She has been looking around for your replacement for a little while.

 

It's for the best that this is over.