Could my girlfriend STILL be texting this guy?

[Rawlplug]

Hey guys,

 

So the last month my girlfriend and I were sort of on a break, but we were both trying to fix things and seeing each other. The reason we were like this is because she wasn’t intimate at all, not just sexually but general things couples do; cuddling, kissing, showing affection. These things are important to me in a relationship and it brought me down over time and she didn't put effort in to try at least.

 

We eventually got back together one weekend and the following weekend we went on holiday to visit my grandparents (mostly her idea). The night we got there I discovered she was flirting with another guy on text, acting single with him and planning a first date. She met him on a night out the same Saturday we decided to get back together.

 

We had a big argument and she showed so much remorse and cried for her actions and said she wasn’t intimate with me for fear of getting hurt (I’ve never given her any reason to suspect that happening), I forgave her the next morning and we ended up having a fantastic weekend full of intimacy and sex.

 

The night after we get back she comes over mine, we have dinner and then watch a film. She says something relevant to what happened so I ask “Has he text you today?”, she replied “No”, I ask if she has deleted his number and she says “No”. I ask her why not and to asked her to do it. She didn’t and in the end she had changed her phone password and was still messaging him.

 

I ended it and a week later she came crying back to me at my doorstep with the same remorse as before and said she realized that she loved me and wasn’t interested in him. Although she had still been texting him that whole week apart, saying that she felt lonely and had him if I wouldn't have her back. She text him the next morning saying she wanted to try it again with me and blocked him and sent me evidence of that.

 

Fast forward a week and half to present day. I can’t fully get it out of my head and some little things hint to it in my mind, not sure if I'm just paranoid. But I checked her phone the other night out of curiosity and his number was saved in her contacts but with no name and he was unblocked. There were no messages but I suspect she might be deleting the messages. She gave me access to her phone via password after what happened but is still defensive about it.

 

What made me write this question is just this morning she went for a shower and hid her phone in her room on purpose so I wouldn’t see it (I was just waking up and didn’t notice), she didn’t go on it for the whole morning getting dressed and then took it out of it’s hiding spot just as she left for work.

 

Do you think she is still speaking to this guy behind my back? I'm not sure if she's worth my time.

 

EXTRA BACKGROUND: She had been doing this same thing, texting other guys flirty on 3 occasions during out first couple months together. On one occasion she was installing Snapchat to message, and then uninstalling it when we saw eachother... This is the first time it happened since, about 8 months later. She hasn't cheated on me physically but emotionally and I find that disrespectful enough. Aside from this our relationship is quite good, we see each other most days which is her choice, I would rather see her less so I can see friends, maybe 3 or 4 times a week, but it's more like 5 or 6. But I imagine even bad relationships with cheating can seem good in other areas. The reason I've posted in Break-Ups is I'm trying to decide if I should end this now before I invest more time and this happens again or similar and find someone who I deserve. Maybe all she's done is a definite "get out of that relationship" and I'm just blind to stay in it, so I'm looking for advice, thanks!

 

 

TL;DR

 

- Caught girlfriend flirty texting acting single with a guy she met on night out

- She showed remorse and I took her back

- Few days later texting him again, we break up

- A week later she begs me back (was still talking to him)

- Right now, he’s unblocked and saved on her phone with no name, no messages - possibly deleted

Edited September 1, 2018 by Rawlplug

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship is over, OP. She is nowhere near invested enough to make this work long-term.

 

As to whether or not she's still speaking to him isn't even entirely relevant, though I certainly wouldn't rule it out. She was checked out a while ago.

[Thingsfallapart]

How are you so sure she hasn’t cheated physically?

It sounds as though she has and is monkey branching out of your relationship

[Rawlplug]

How are you so sure she hasn’t cheated physically?

It sounds as though she has and is monkey branching out of your relationship

 

Well actually I found a bite mark on her arse when I took her back the 2nd time, she didn't know what it was, but I feel like I faintly remember doing that the previous weekend but wasn't certain so I can't weigh on that too much.

 

His response to the text saying she was back with me was along the lines of "Well I didn't expect that" which made me wonder also... But she said they'd been speaking for a couple weeks and suddenly she bailed on him so of course he'd react like that?

 

I don't think she did physically but I guess she could have

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Here is my take on the situation.

 

She has been losing interest for a while, hence the lack of affection and intimacy. She is now hot for the new guy.

 

She doesn't want to be single though, so she freaked out when you tried to end it and gave you the sex you wanted in order to keep you on the hook.

 

However, that doesn't mean she isn't still interested in dating this guy, which is why she changed the password on her phone. When you called her out on her shady behavior, she had to make a choice. She chose to pursue him.

 

What she didn't anticipate was that this new guy wasn't interested in anything serious, meaning she was now alone and single, which is likely why she came crawling back and made a big deal about "blocking" him and telling the guy she was giving things another shot with you (to make him jealous).

 

I suspect this was all a play to get him. It explains why she has kept his number hidden and more importantly unblocked on her phone. She wants him to contact her. I could be completely wrong here but it all fits with her shady and inconsistent behavior recently.

 

At the very least she is open to communicating with this guy behind your back, and she has gone to quite a bit of trouble to conceal it, which is textbook cheater behavior.

 

I'm sorry to say it but I think you are being used.

[ExpatInItaly]

She has been losing interest for a while' date=' hence the lack of affection and intimacy. [/b']She is now hot for the new guy.

 

She doesn't want to be single though, so she freaked out when you tried to end it and gave you the sex you wanted in order to keep you on the hook.

 

However, that doesn't mean she isn't still interested in dating this guy, which is why she changed the password on her phone. When you called her out on her shady behavior, she had to make a choice. She chose to pursue him.

 

I'm sorry to say it but I think you are being used.

 

Bingo.

 

OP, whether or not she physically cheated is ultimately beside the point. This isn't someone you're going to have a stable and happy future with, because she has been emotionally checked out for quite a while.

 

When she starts getting attention either from this guy, or someone else who catches her interest, I sadly foresee you being left in the dust again.

[Rawlplug]

Here is my take on the situation.

 

She has been losing interest for a while, hence the lack of affection and intimacy. She is now hot for the new guy.

 

She doesn't want to be single though, so she freaked out when you tried to end it and gave you the sex you wanted in order to keep you on the hook.

 

However, that doesn't mean she isn't still interested in dating this guy, which is why she changed the password on her phone. When you called her out on her shady behavior, she had to make a choice. She chose to pursue him.

 

What she didn't anticipate was that this new guy wasn't interested in anything serious, meaning she was now alone and single, which is likely why she came crawling back and made a big deal about "blocking" him and telling the guy she was giving things another shot with you (to make him jealous).

 

I suspect this was all a play to get him. It explains why she has kept his number hidden and more importantly unblocked on her phone. She wants him to contact her. I could be completely wrong here but it all fits with her shady and inconsistent behavior recently.

 

At the very least she is open to communicating with this guy behind your back, and she has gone to quite a bit of trouble to conceal it, which is textbook cheater behavior.

 

I'm sorry to say it but I think you are being used.

 

That's a really plausible angle that I haven't considered actually, thanks for that.

 

It's just she said she realized she wasn't interested in him and is showing me interest now, but I suppose it could all be fake yeah.

 

I didn't think people would rather be with someone they don't want and talk to people behind their back than being single.

[Rawlplug]

When she starts getting attention either from this guy, or someone else who catches her interest, I sadly foresee you being left in the dust again.

 

Something I left out which is already giving me some stress when it shouldn't, only her actions have made me feel this paranoid and untrusting in her. But she works as a men's barber. So she's chatting and possibly flirting with guys all day long.

 

In itself that's one thing but her behavior shows me if we have an argument and she goes into work the next day, some guy comes on to her, who knows what she might do then?

[ExpatInItaly]

I didn't think people would rather be with someone they don't want and talk to people behind their back than being single.

 

You have a lot to learn, my friend. This happens all the time.

[Zahara]

Based on the fact that she unblocked him again and still has his number is pretty evident that she wants to still be accessible to him.

 

I read your other thread — the advice was spot on.

 

You mentioned that you didn’t see how someone could still be with you when they’re not feeling it while fishing for other prospects? It happens all the time. And yes, relationships with cheaters can seem like normal relationships even when the deceit is right under your nose.

 

I suspect your girlfriend is the kind that stays in a relationship because she needs someone in her life rather than invest because it’s something she wants.

 

This is not the one for you.

[Rawlplug]

I read your other thread — the advice was spot on.

 

This is not the one for you.

 

I agree it was solid, I just want a broader sample size.

 

Thanks for your advice Zahara

[Thingsfallapart]

Google “monkey branching” because I think you’re being really quite naive about this whole situation.

[Zahara]

I agree it was solid, I just want a broader sample size.

 

Thanks for your advice Zahara

 

You’re welcome.

 

I’ve been where you’ve been and after many learning lessons, it’s really very simple. When you’re with the right person, it’s going to be easy and transparent. When you’re constantly doubting, grappling with red flags, feeling uncertainty — it’s telling you something is wrong. And it usually doesn’t get better.

 

You deserve a fulfilling relationship. Not one that keeps you questioning your value.

[BluesPower]

No decisions to make here... if you want to have and self respect.

 

Brother, it is dumping time. Sorry, but you know she has lied a lot.

 

You have no reason to actually believe that she has NOT slept with this guy or others.

 

Honestly, you just need to be done...

[salparadise]

You’re welcome.

 

I’ve been where you’ve been and after many learning lessons, it’s really very simple. When you’re with the right person, it’s going to be easy and transparent. When you’re constantly doubting, grappling with red flags, feeling uncertainty — it’s telling you something is wrong. And it usually doesn’t get better.

 

You deserve a fulfilling relationship. Not one that keeps you questioning your value.

 

Very well said. You absolutely deserve better. There are plenty of women who will respect your relationship and conduct it with integrity. There are compromises that must be made in a good relationship, but this is not one of them.

 

This is not something you can hope to fix. Some people inherently shoot straight, and others are always going to be working the edges and looking for the angle. You owe it to yourself to choose integrity above all else, and to hit the eject button without so much as a second thought when you see it's not there.

 

I'm sorry for how it must make you feel, but you have to put yourself first and choose self-respect. I hope you find a good one on the next try.

[Rawlplug]

Brother, it is dumping time.

 

Very well said. You absolutely deserve better.

 

I think the fact she unblocked him regardless of the reason why just shows she isn't as invested in me as she says or 'acts'.

 

There's no reason to unblock him and she knows I wouldn't approve of it.

 

Thanks for the two cents

[Thingsfallapart]

I think this girl has completely made a fool of you and will continue to do so. This is 100% a case of monkey branching but you’re too blind to see it. I think that she will beg you back because the other guy just pumped her and dumped her and then you’ll take her back.

But you’ll be here later saying you’re girlfriend just upped and left you with no warning and you can’t inderstand why

[CKJD]

OP, you've had it hard enough. Try your best not to give her any more leeway here, because it is important she feels the consequences of her actions.

 

I like the way you are handling yourself in the thread, it shows that you are looking at the situation as logical as possible even though your emotions and love for this woman are making the decision to split incredibly hard for you.

 

I will say, and I am totally guilty of this as well, that you have revealed that you're compromising too much.

Trust is gone, and you have the evidence that she is willing to hide things from you, take you for granted and lie to you about meeting your demands many times over.

 

That she is talking to you about the other man at all means you have gone beyond the tipping point, and are allowing her to play the victim whilst ignoring that it is you who is the real victim here. Her confused feelings do not entitle her to continue hurting you this way. I consider this a form of emotional abuse and now you have to be the one to end the cycle.

 

But you checking her phone is eroding trust further and, even though you have good reason to be suspicious, it's not your right to demand to see her phone or check it when she's away from it. It sucks man, I know, but if she isn't willing to go the extra mile in regaining your trust by being more open, then you are the one with the problem and have to be the one that walks. I just don't want her to walk away from this thinking that you are jealous or controlling when right now you really just want to know what the hell is going on so, for your own good, don't stoop to any more of this type of behaviour.

 

I think if she contacts you again you need to reject her pity play and outright ENCOURAGE her to explore her desire to see what it is like with this other man because YOU ARE DONE.

 

You said the other guy mentioned being surprised about her going back to you, which worries me that she has tried to protect her image to him by slagging you off.

This is unacceptable. She's made her choice and the only way it is going to blow up in her face is if you put an end to your entanglement with her, because she's going to need an entire olive tree if she wishes to repair things with you now.

 

Goodluck, man. You've got this.

Edited September 3, 2018 by CKJD

[Rawlplug]

OP, you've had it hard enough. Goodluck, man. You've got this.

 

Really great response, thanks CKJD. Here's an update after this weekend!

 

 

 

 

UPDATE AFTER CONFRONTING HER

 

I confronted her about unblocking him, she said she just wanted to see if he would text her, and apparently tell me if he did and forgot she unblocked him. She said they hadn't spoken since she blocked him and swore on her little brother's life (cringe).

 

At this point I wanted to end it, I picked up my bag and started walking out, she tried grabbing me and started panicking and crying, I carried on walking down her drive to my car and she was hysterical as if she was going to have a panic attack about loosing me. We ended up having the most amazing sex that night and had a good weekend together doing a few activities.

 

How she acted and how she has before really seems like I'm all that matters to her - but what's the reality? She knows I would be livid for her unblocking him but she claims she "doesn't think".

 

Ok, unblocking him isn't the end of the world. But it's just another small deceit in what seems like a web. If it wasn't for her reactions making me feel like she is genuinely scared to see me go - I would have been long gone. That's what's keeping me around, I don't want to walk away from her if she truly loves me...

 

What do you think?

[doyathinkso]

I think that her p*ssy-bomb attack was completely successful.

[Rawlplug]

I think that her p*ssy-bomb attack was completely successful.

 

and what's the meaning behind that haha.

[doyathinkso]

It means she threw so much sex at you to get you to stop thinking rationally. Intentionally.

 

In other words she outmaneuvered you.

[BluesPower]

Really great response, thanks CKJD. Here's an update after this weekend!

 

UPDATE AFTER CONFRONTING HER

 

I confronted her about unblocking him, she said she just wanted to see if he would text her, and apparently tell me if he did and forgot she unblocked him. She said they hadn't spoken since she blocked him and swore on her little brother's life (cringe).

 

At this point I wanted to end it, I picked up my bag and started walking out, she tried grabbing me and started panicking and crying, I carried on walking down her drive to my car and she was hysterical as if she was going to have a panic attack about loosing me. We ended up having the most amazing sex that night and had a good weekend together doing a few activities.

 

How she acted and how she has before really seems like I'm all that matters to her - but what's the reality? She knows I would be livid for her unblocking him but she claims she "doesn't think".

 

Ok, unblocking him isn't the end of the world. But it's just another small deceit in what seems like a web. If it wasn't for her reactions making me feel like she is genuinely scared to see me go - I would have been long gone. That's what's keeping me around, I don't want to walk away from her if she truly loves me...

 

What do you think?

 

I think you are completely and totally clueless... in every way, about every thing.

 

Your girl has issues, she is banging other guys and she is playing with you to see how far you will let it go.

 

It is so completely obvious to everyone reading, and in time you will realize it too.

 

Hope you are using condoms because I am sure that the other guys are not...

[Rawlplug]

She is banging other guys and she is playing with you to see how far you will let it go.

 

She definitely isn't banging anyone though, I absolute know this. She lives at home with her parents, I see her almost every night, she never ignores my texts or anything.

 

She has been speaking with this guy but she isn't sleeping with anyone.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are being very naive.

 

She is full of crap. It's 100% not true that she "doesn't think." She does, very carefully. And she knows how to pull out all the theatrics to get you to fall for it.

 

You will learn this lesson the hard way, I'm afraid.