tokidoki Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 There's a girl at work who I'm interested in. We've hooked up a couple of times on Friday nights but gone our separate ways after that. The last time was about 3 weeks ago - I said that I'd take her on a date when I got back from my vacation, to which she said 'We'll see'. I thought this was kinda non-commital so I figured she just might not be that interested or at least a little apprehensive about dating someone at work. No Biggy. We didn't really speak while I was away, I figured I see her inevitably when I got back. I've been back at work for a week now and we've exchanged a few 'hi's and 'hello's but nothing about the date. We went for a drink in a big group and she seemed to be purposefully avoiding eye contact and speaking to me as little as possible. She even spoke loudly to other people about a guy she fancied. I didn't react to any of it, or try particularly hard to have a conversation with her, as she seemed to be deliberately making it difficult for me. I thought it'd be best not to pander to her. What's going through a girl's head when she acts like this? It seems so commonplace that they try to piss you off/make you jealous, so what's the best thing to do? Just ignore it, as that will just wind her up cos she's not getting the desired reaction? I do like this girl but the game-playing this early on for me is a bit of a red flag.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 You said you were going to take her on a date, so ask her for one. You're showing her you are non-committal too. Her answer to you will let you know if "we'll see" really meant what you thought it did. 1
Author tokidoki Posted September 1, 2018 Author Posted September 1, 2018 Haha well I did ask her, and she didn't say yes or say no...Since I've been back she's been making it difficult to even talk to her let alone bring it up. Seems weird.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 Haha well I did ask her, and she didn't say yes or say no...Since I've been back she's been making it difficult to even talk to her let alone bring it up. Seems weird. No, I mean that you have not followed up on the date you said you were gong to take her on. Since you have been back. Correct?
Author tokidoki Posted September 1, 2018 Author Posted September 1, 2018 I haven't brought it up, No. Although I have tried to talk to her now and again but as I say she's making it hard to have anything like a conversation - she'll exchange pleasantries quickly and then walk off. I've asked her once, I feel like making me ask twice is kinda peurile and tbh the game playing its a little off-putting.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 I haven't brought it up, No. Although I have tried to talk to her now and again but as I say she's making it hard to have anything like a conversation - she'll exchange pleasantries quickly and then walk off. I've asked her once, I feel like making me ask twice is kinda peurile and tbh the game playing its a little off-putting. Then just leave it and move along.
d0nnivain Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 She was happy to hook up with you but doesn't want to go on this date. It's too much / too serious for her. Just be nice & professional at work. If you hook up again fine but anything more planned or serious then that is out of the question.
smackie9 Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 It's not weird...she had no intention of dating you. She just wanted to hook up on a temp basis, that's it. Her avoiding you is your answer....no. 1
preraph Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 Sorry. She just let you know it's over and she expects you to behave yourself at work about it. She turned down a date (maybe is the same thing unless one already has true pending plans or obligations at that time) and then she probably knew you were lying in wait, as it were, as anyone would be, and so she made the crack that she's into some other guy. Sorry. It wasn't the worst thing she could do. She just didn't feel like having a one on one about it. 1
Author tokidoki Posted September 26, 2018 Author Posted September 26, 2018 So eventually I was in a position to talk to her and she was very, very deliberate in her attempts to avoid me, so I just said 'are you going to talk to me soon?', in a jokey way. She snapped at me, saying 'you're always telling me what to do', and when i looked confused she said 'is this all part of your confidence trick?' I appreciate/understand that she doesn't want to date. To be honest I have reservations about it too. But am I stupid to expect someone to do the decent thing and have at least a brief conversation about it, rather than embarking on some jeuvenile campaign of avoiding talking? If you refuse a date then that's no problem whatsoever, but to refuse somebody's friendship is a little bit nasty, I think. I'm tempted to say 'look, we obviously hooked up once or twice but there's no reason why we can't just move on as mates now'. I have lots of friends who I've kissed/slept with in the past and yeah, while it is awkward initially, it doesn't need to be forever.
Mardelis Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 After hooking up with you on a few Friday nights she's clearly made the decision not to take things further. Her verbal and nonverbal body language says it in multiple ways- you need to read people better and/or accept what you probably already know.
stillafool Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 She said "we'll see" when you asked her about a date so you should have just left the ball in her court to contact you when and if she's ready. It does seem like game playing to not even acknowledge you so give her a lot of space with no more eye contact.
damni Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 Dude just leave her alone, your being clingy. She just wanted a hook up from you.
Author tokidoki Posted September 26, 2018 Author Posted September 26, 2018 How am I being clingy? I have totally left her alone. I haven't pushed for a date at all and it has been about six weeks with virtually no contact whatsoever. She is very deliberately not talking to me presumably because she thinks that will encourage some kind of 'hope' in me, which is stupid. I'm keen to just get over the awkwardness and just be friends if dating isn't on the cards - we have to work together so we might as well be friendly. Why would anyone object to that/deliberately resist it? I can't see any reason. If she allowed a conversation to just happen I could've told her this...
Author tokidoki Posted September 26, 2018 Author Posted September 26, 2018 Also, Mardelis - I have accepted it but why resist being friends/at least just being civil. Deliberately igonring somebody/being unfriendly is stupid.
Author tokidoki Posted September 26, 2018 Author Posted September 26, 2018 I did this. I left it for weeks and said nothing, and she went cold and embarked on this campaign of no talking.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 Also, Mardelis - I have accepted it but why resist being friends/at least just being civil. Deliberately igonring somebody/being unfriendly is stupid. It's juvenile, yes, but you can't change anything about it. It's on her. Any chance she is dating someone else at the office and doesn't want to give him the wrong idea by interacting with you?
Author tokidoki Posted September 26, 2018 Author Posted September 26, 2018 ok, glad someone agrees that this isn't mature way to deal with things. thought i was going mad. As I said before, the gameplaying has put me off her, really. It's just distracting while at work and I know that's on me, but it takes two to tango. I'm willing to move forward as friends, I guess I'm just curious as to why she doesn't seem to be. I know its best to give her time but I feel two months should be enough to at least have one conversation, about anything whatsoever. the fact its gone on like this for so long is what I find confusing.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 All you can do is accept that she doesn't want to be friends, and that you're probably not going to figure out why. Once you've accepted that, you can let go of hope and thus the subsequent disappointment of a friendship not happening. 1
Larry56 Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 How am I being clingy? I have totally left her alone. I haven't pushed for a date at all and it has been about six weeks with virtually no contact whatsoever. She is very deliberately not talking to me presumably because she thinks that will encourage some kind of 'hope' in me, which is stupid. I'm keen to just get over the awkwardness and just be friends if dating isn't on the cards - we have to work together so we might as well be friendly. Why would anyone object to that/deliberately resist it? I can't see any reason. If she allowed a conversation to just happen I could've told her this... Dude, I understand how you feel and again - this is confusing because she gave you 'go' signals in the beginning and then went cold when you suggested a date. It just means you didn't tick all the boxes she was looking for. Ignore what ExpatinItaly was saying at the beginning of the thread...in her mind she believes that men should chase after women because it's what men 'ought' to do...but in reality...women who really like a guy who is chasing them or vice versa make it easy to be with them to be together. You played your cards right by acting casual in the beginning. Women are repelled by guys who want commitment (especially ones that don't tick the boxes they want). Hope that helps.
Larry56 Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 All you can do is accept that she doesn't want to be friends, and that you're probably not going to figure out why. Yes because he's chasing the answer which he's obsessing over. You're not helping again. OP. The reason is because their IS something she doesn't like about you. You didn't tick enough boxes. If you go and compare yourself to her past ex's and her current boyfriend. You'll be able to find the answer there. Hope that helps.
Author tokidoki Posted September 27, 2018 Author Posted September 27, 2018 Haha well I think 'commitment' is quite a strong word. I just wanted to go for a drink with her outside of work, and maybe we'd get on to the subject of pursuing something and whether or not it was a wise idea. As I keep saying, I'm really not bothered either way. She was actually the one who suggested a date in the first place, and when I suggested a specific plan she said 'we'll see' which I thought was a bit meh, so I just left it. When I got back she seemed happy to see me, but as the date drew closer and it wasn't confirmed she became more and more distant and a little childish. She referred to me as '****ing annoying' to somebody else when we were all sitting in a group, and would pick up her phone and text people while I was talking. I sent her a message like 'I know we havent spoken about it this week but I'm still down for a drink tonight' and she sent no response. It's since then that she's acted very aloof. It wasn't til a few weeks later I asked her (in a jokey way, btw, not whiney or clingy), 'are you gona talk to me, or even look me in the eye?' and she snapped 'you're always telling me what to do. Is this all part of your confidence trick??' which is a really weird thing to say, especially if its someone you're flat out not interested in. I think she does like me, but doesn't want to date a colleague, which I can understand. She may not yet be ready to talk to me on a friendly basis for fear of encouraging me, but my question still stands - Should I tell her that it just isn't necessary and I'm happy to just get along? The thing is, she is a nice person and I don't want awkwardness. It's a shame she isn't up for being friendly but I guess it is what it is.
elaine567 Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 The thing is, she is a nice person and I don't want awkwardness. It's a shame she isn't up for being friendly but I guess it is what it is. That is why it is really best not to hook up with work colleagues as the "awkwardness" afterwards can ruin working environments.
WeaveOne Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 Her “we’ll see” wasn’t indifference to your proposed date. It was a “let’s see if you stick to your word.” If it were indifference she would’ve said “I’ll see.” Then you got back and didn’t make a date eg. Her text about your ‘confidence trick.’ You should’ve asked her out when you got back. She’s acting up because you didn’t do what you said you would.
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