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My girlfriend doesn't give me enough attention when hanging out with our friends


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Posted

I'm dating my gf for seven months and I need your advice if maybe I'm being too needy. My girlfriend is caring and show affection but everytime we're hanging out with our friends she doesn't show that much. In a bar, we're seated and she touches my leg, but barely hugs or kisses me. Am I overreacting?

 

For example, last time we're together with our friends house and she was talking to her female friend and I was left there alone. I was in a bad mood that day, couldn't initiate a conversation with the people there. I asked her if she wants to be alone and if she didn't give me attention I would leave her there.

 

She pissed off but a few minutes later things got better. I know I have to be more social, I'm trying because I don't want to depend on her, though most of the time we're hanging out with her friends and family members. I want to ask her to be a little more touchy feely and caring to be when we're with our friends but I don't want to look too much needy, even though I understand I have to "share" her attention with her friends. How should I bring this up?

 

How to ask my girlfriend to give me more attention and be more caring and touchy with me when hanging out with our friends?

Posted

Yes, I think you are overreacting. A lot.

 

Not everyone is comfortable with public displays of affection, and it's not her job to pull you out a grouchy mood to interact with others. Telling her you would leave if she didn't touch you more is childish.

 

Looking back through your other threads, it's obvious you have a serious issue with insecurity and neediness. What are you doing to address that, other than trying to make it all her responsibility?

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Posted

You just have to tell her.

 

Unfortunately the people who want more attention are exactly the ones that don't feel comfortable asking for it. So you are kind of stuck.

 

You can break up with her and keep looking. But you must know how ridiculous that would be. (Although some people do just that.) You'd need to find a mind reader that you find attractive, who finds you attractive at the same time. And how many mind readers are out there, really.

Posted

This girl isn't going to be young and naive forever. When that time comes, you'd better hope you have your act together, because most women aren't going to put up with some of the things you've taken issue with and started threads over.

 

I'm going to tell you this, man to man: There are few things more off-putting to someone (and anyone hanging around that's paying attention) than a person who is so desperate for constant attention/affection/adulation from their partner while in a group setting.

 

When my ex and I used to go to parties together, we made a point of talking to as many people separately as we could. Nothing wrong with speaking to each other, alone or in a group, but while in a group setting, it's weird and anti-social when couples keep to themselves and don't spread their attention to other people.

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Posted

Also, unless you're in high school, hugging and kissing while in a group setting is kind of immature, needy, inconsiderate behavior.

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Posted

yes, you are over reacting

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  • Author
Posted

Just want update here, I'm doing therapy.

Posted

You don't. Not everybody likes PDA & most people can't stand looking at it. If's she's touching you subtly don't make a fuss about wanting something more overt. You will look clingy & needy.

 

You need to learn to be more self sufficient. It's not her responsibility to carry you socially or fix your bad moods. Yes, it's wonderful when a loved one can offer comfort when we are upset but it's incumbent upon you to know yourself. If I am in a crappy mood & my husband wants to go out, I offer to drive him then I go sulk or veg or whatever until my crappy mood passes. I don't expect him to fix it, put up with it or deprive him of the right to have a good time just 'cause I'm in a pi$$y mood.

Posted
I'm dating my gf for seven months and I need your advice if maybe I'm being too needy. My girlfriend is caring and show affection but everytime we're hanging out with our friends she doesn't show that much. In a bar, we're seated and she touches my leg, but barely hugs or kisses me. Am I overreacting?

 

For example, last time we're together with our friends house and she was talking to her female friend and I was left there alone. I was in a bad mood that day, couldn't initiate a conversation with the people there. I asked her if she wants to be alone and if she didn't give me attention I would leave her there.

 

She pissed off but a few minutes later things got better. I know I have to be more social, I'm trying because I don't want to depend on her, though most of the time we're hanging out with her friends and family members. I want to ask her to be a little more touchy feely and caring to be when we're with our friends but I don't want to look too much needy, even though I understand I have to "share" her attention with her friends. How should I bring this up?

 

How to ask my girlfriend to give me more attention and be more caring and touchy with me when hanging out with our friends?

 

You have to understand she might not want to be that way with her friends. So this is where you become a man I say well I got to go.. See ya later have fun with your friends. I got a few things I need to do. Like hangout with my friends you all have a great night. This is one way you can approach this. But if I was you be a man and stop acting like it all centers around you. Your out with your GF and she gives you what you want when you two are alone.

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Posted

Read through what you wrote, do you think it has masculine or feminine energy?

 

 

If you feel it is feminine then this may well spell the end if you aren't careful.

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Posted

Way overreacting. Most people dont like showing affection in public. If she is touching your leg (on purpose, not accidentally), that should show you that she is subtly acknowledging you. That little sneaky show of affection is huge. Appreciate it. Oftentimes less is more.

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Posted

Ugh. Yes, you're being way too needy. Why do you need her to be all over you in front of her friends? I'm sure she doesn't feel she should have to do that and that her friends would think it was smarmy doing all that public affection that's better left for in private. You need to learn to be social and not depend on her crawling on you to prop you up!

Posted

part of being a man is not needing all that attention

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Posted

I've seen times when the gf in your example was really being cold and ignoring her partner ... And I've seen times when the person in your position was just overly needed and insecure.

 

Angle one agreeing with your worry: I once met an ex (who I was just starting to date) at a dinner with her friends. She smiled at me and touched my arm once or twice during the night ... and made it clear that we could hang out by ourselves after the dinner was over and her friends left. This woman gave me what you seem to want from your ex.

 

On the other hand, I dated someone who was deeply insecure with bad social skills. She and I would go to parties and if I wasn't talking to her all night or if I didn't check in with her every other minute, she would get insecure and angry.

 

So my conclusion depends on how well you read social cues. I don't know if your ex is giving your quick cues of affirmation when you guys are out with her friends and you simply miss them ... or if she is genuinely ignoring you.

 

Just so you know: You don't need your ex to include you in the conversation with her friends because you could join the conversations yourself, by listening and paying attention and adding your two cents at the right moment. That's the really confident position ... to feel OK joining in without an invitation from your ex.

 

But ... I have to tell you ... I'm pretty comfortable in a crowd and don't require a partner to invite me in on a conversation ... But there have been times when exes have sorta kept me a distance around their friends ... and in each of those examples, they ultimately dumped me.

 

You the problem could be you and your insecurities ... or the problem could be that your gf is cold and distant and may soon dump you. And there's a chance you could have serious insecurities AND in this case, you are picking up genuine aloofness and distance.

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Posted
Looking back through your other threads, it's obvious you have a serious issue with insecurity and neediness. What are you doing to address that, other than trying to make it all her responsibility?

How do u suggest people do that ? I'm in the same boat.

 

 

 

 

Dam , love and relationships and dating are hard.

Posted
How do u suggest people do that ? I'm in the same boat.

 

 

 

 

Dam , love and relationships and dating are hard.

 

To be blunt? By being a freaking adult and understanding that when you're in a social situation with other people, it's poor form to ignore them so that you and your partner can play grab a-- all night.

 

I know neediness and insecurity are deeply rooted issues and not solved by flipping a switch. However, it's important for these people to do some real examination as to what the root of these problems are. Too many people are like this and get into a relationship thinking that it's acceptable to make their insecurities/neediness the problem of their partner.

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Posted
How do u suggest people do that ?

 

Different couples have different dynamics & they will change with time & the situation at hand.

 

DH & I went out to a bar last night, with another female friend of ours. We all got drinks & I started talking to another woman I know. DH wandered further down the bar to talk to some guys he knew. As we were mingling, if we crossed paths, we'd bump shoulders or wink. We had a few conversations with each other & others but we weren't glued at the hip. If he came back to the bar where I was sitting to get a new drink, he'd squeeze into my space & put his arm across the back of my chair but it wasn't overt PDA.

 

The OP in this Q, seems to be seeking something more akin to requiring his GF to be stuck to his side all the time in every situation, often kissing him, so that they stop acting individually & interact more as one entity when they are out. There are couples who do that but most people find that annoying an off putting.

  • Like 1
Posted
The OP in this Q, seems to be seeking something more akin to requiring his GF to be stuck to his side all the time in every situation, often kissing him, so that they stop acting individually & interact more as one entity when they are out. There are couples who do that but most people find that annoying an off putting.

 

Additionally, I think it conveys a sign that the relationship is a bit unhealthy. It's great to want to be physically engaged with your romantic partner, but the people who cannot put the PDAs on ice in almost any situation are, in my experiences, the couples that have a lot of co-dependent, obsessive behavior beneath the surface.

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Posted

I think you should consider the affection better off left for when you two are alone, having quality time. Pawing all over each other while trying to socialize with others makes everyone go eww, and it's distracting. You are adults, not 14 year olds with their first love.

 

 

 

You need to take a good look as to why you need this much attention from her. Do you have separation anxiety? Does it make you feel THAT insecure when her attention isn't focused on you? Are you affection codependent? Something happen traumatic in your childhood? were you neglected? parents divorced? Had a parent with drug or alcohol issues? had to fend for yourself?

Posted

A guy I dated years ago complained about that very same thing, that I didn't touch him enough when we were out with friends. Let's just say we weren't dating for much longer after that.

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Posted
Additionally, I think it conveys a sign that the relationship is a bit unhealthy. It's great to want to be physically engaged with your romantic partner, but the people who cannot put the PDAs on ice in almost any situation are, in my experiences, the couples that have a lot of co-dependent, obsessive behavior beneath the surface.

 

Yes, I have experienced that myself.

 

A man I dated some years ago had this incessant and annoying need to touch me (and expected me to do the same) at the most inopportune times. He'd try to lay his legs over mine while riding the subway, tried to get me to sit on his lap all the time if we were out with friends or even his family, constantly pulled me in for kisses. It was beyond irritating, and made myself and those around us uncomfortable.

 

What lay behind it was his extreme insecurity and a desire to mark his territory, so to speak. He wanted me to do the same as a demonstration of my "love" and "attraction" for him. And you bet, he turned out to be quite the obsessive type. No thanks.

Posted
To be blunt? By being a freaking adult and understanding that when you're in a social situation with other people, it's poor form to ignore them so that you and your partner can play grab a-- all night.

 

I know neediness and insecurity are deeply rooted issues and not solved by flipping a switch. However, it's important for these people to do some real examination as to what the root of these problems are. Too many people are like this and get into a relationship thinking that it's acceptable to make their insecurities/neediness the problem of their partner.

 

^ This. Grown ups make themselves do the appropriate things even when it means getting out of their comfort zones. It's how we mature. You can't expect to find someone who will just coddle you at your undeveloped social level and take on your problems, because it's not fun for them and they have other choices.

Posted
Yes, I have experienced that myself.

 

A man I dated some years ago had this incessant and annoying need to touch me (and expected me to do the same) at the most inopportune times. He'd try to lay his legs over mine while riding the subway, tried to get me to sit on his lap all the time if we were out with friends or even his family, constantly pulled me in for kisses. It was beyond irritating, and made myself and those around us uncomfortable.

 

What lay behind it was his extreme insecurity and a desire to mark his territory, so to speak. He wanted me to do the same as a demonstration of my "love" and "attraction" for him. And you bet, he turned out to be quite the obsessive type. No thanks.

 

Yeah. You know why? Because they are trying to make onlookers think they're successful with women, that's why. Same reason people who can't afford it may go into debt buying designer clothing so others will think they're rich and successful. They're using women to prop them up because they have such low self-esteem that they can't just stand on their own two feet and prop themselves up. Women become an accessory. They get a temporary lift by seeing themselves like that, but it doesn't last because they know inside they manufactured it.

 

And yes, hard to get rid of when the time comes. Men who depend on women for their self-worth are the ones who do the murder/suicides we see on the news constantly. Because on the rare occasion that scenario has worked for them for awhile, when she leaves, she takes his self-worth with him, so to him, life is not worth living, and he's too selfish and entitled to let her have her life.

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  • 5 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted
I think you should consider the affection better off left for when you two are alone, having quality time. Pawing all over each other while trying to socialize with others makes everyone go eww, and it's distracting. You are adults, not 14 year olds with their first love.

 

 

 

You need to take a good look as to why you need this much attention from her. Do you have separation anxiety? Does it make you feel THAT insecure when her attention isn't focused on you? Are you affection codependent? Something happen traumatic in your childhood? were you neglected? parents divorced? Had a parent with drug or alcohol issues? had to fend for yourself?

 

I'm trying to deal with this in therapy, slowly improving.

Yes parents divorced since my birth, yes I was neglected because I didn't have a father figure.

Posted
part of being a man is not needing all that attention

 

I would say the same applies to women.

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