ex met someone 3 wks after we broke up but still hope he comes back to me **Updated**

[Gingerbaker]

Heartbroken;

 

I've very recently been in much in the same boat as you; but definitely a lot further down the line. My advice would be the following:

 

1) Don't contact him, or try to change his mind.

2) Focus on you, you are the only thing you can change.

3) Do stay active, speak to friends and family, they're an immense help.

4) Don't try to get get answers about all your questions from him, he's the least able person to help you get through this.

5) You will feel better, maybe not tomorrow or next week, but you will, I promise you.

 

Stay strong x

[Gretchen12]

It's possible that he broke up with you after he has secured for himself a new companion. I'm not surprised he said he has depression. You can read about it more online. I'm also not surprised his relationships only last two years at most. A guy like that has a big collection of ex's, some remain as just friends. His new girl is the next victim, she won't last over two years either. He knows all the things to say that you want to hear. He knows how to watch for your reactions. These are his survival skills in a world in which he does not feel safe. You should move on because he has issues you can't resolve. If you cannot move on (within a reasonable time), then you have issues which you should address.

[heartbrokenandlost]

I do trust him and the breakup has been relativley amicable although obivously tougher on one of us and he has said he did not know her before we met and believe him. Know without knowing him/us you may not believe that but I know he wouldn't and hasn't cheated.

 

I think its taken me a long time to fully accept the break up because I held on to the things he said and put value on these, even saying as recently as lsat week that "yes as i've said before" when i asked if in the time we've been broken up he still has what ifs and doubts about breaking up. But as much as even now i want him to listen to those doubts 1. I know that he wont as he beleives he is doing the right thing for us and also guess he knows in his gut his strong feelings wont be more but 2. i logically know that if he did come back as much as i love him adn want him back that i dont know if we could get over htis healthily which tells me that i am dealing with the reality of hte break up but my emotions will catch up .

[heartbrokenandlost]

It's possible that he broke up with you after he has secured for himself a new companion. I'm not surprised he said he has depression. You can read about it more online. I'm also not surprised his relationships only last two years at most. A guy like that has a big collection of ex's, some remain as just friends. His new girl is the next victim, she won't last over two years either. He knows all the things to say that you want to hear. He knows how to watch for your reactions. These are his survival skills in a world in which he does not feel safe. You should move on because he has issues you can't resolve. If you cannot move on (within a reasonable time), then you have issues which you should address.

 

 

Its a shame because he woudl talk very openly about his issues at points adn then retreat at others and i never knew if he was open with all his exes this level or just me. If we were together, as a partner, I of course woudl support him through his issues but it's not my "job" too although will always care for him, i have to be selfish

[heartbrokenandlost]

I just know there is a part of me that hopes things will change and he'll realise that the what ifs mean something but I also know thats a tiny percentage and my love for him is clouding this and that i have to focus on healing and then moving on so i can meet someone else.

 

Yes, i know myself and my relationships and expect he will be the what if guy for me but also know i met someone who made me the happiest i've ever been but i can take the postives from him and us as well as teh red flags for the next guy

 

apologies i'm going on about this so much, i'm actually finding writing on her very helpful in dealing with my feelings as its a impartial space rather than crying to the same friends and famiyl

[Gretchen12]

Its a shame because he woudl talk very openly about his issues at points adn then retreat at others and i never knew if he was open with all his exes this level or just me. If we were together, as a partner, I of course woudl support him through his issues but it's not my "job" too although will always care for him, i have to be selfish

 

What you described sounds all too familiar. It's a little scary how predictable these patterns are: him talking so openly about himself, the partner trying to support him, the partner feeling she is different from the others, he breaks up with you and finds another. Waayyy too familiar. Mine even told me he has never met anyone like me. Riiiight. As you can see, I woke up.

[heartbrokenandlost]

Thanks all for the words and support.

 

Despite how upset I am with the break up and how quickly he’s moved in I can say that he isn’t a manipulative person or user etc. It may be that his depressionetx links into his relationships but also I saw and heard how difficult he seemed to find the break up too (yes sometimes I doubt it based on how quickly he’s started seeing someone and how easily he gave it up) but I think this is why I’ve struggled to understand why he thinks this is the safer option when we never know how we will feel down the road but I have to accept in his gut maybe he knew he couldn’t feel more for me and as he has loved others Jen knows what he should be feeling.

 

This is the second day of no contact. Yes it took me three months but it’s better than never but it’s just very very hard when you were used to spending every day for two years speaking on the phone for at least 3 hours a day and texting throughout but also because it’s him not just someone to speak to that I miss. He was a very unique guy and the most comfortable and happy I’ve been with anyone on my life not just partner and I realise I can feel like that but accept he doesn’t and in time be able to reflect happily on the memories

 

I just wish I could shake the what if thinking and part of me that still wants to fight because I feel like I’m lowering my self worth by how I’m still feeling this need

[ExpatInItaly]

I think because you are just starting No Contact now, you are realizing that the relationship really is over and now beginning to truly process the break-up.

 

You are right that it's hard to adjust. Many of us have been where you are; some ending marriages or other years-long, live-in relationships. It's not easy when you suddenly lose your closest companion and the person you spoke to or saw every day. I've ended a couple live-in relationships before, and it's a shock to the system. But you can get through it; you will start to acclimatize to your new normal.

 

Stay No Contact with him, in all forms. That includes her social media too. You need to detox from him, so to speak. You will need to find some great family and friends to lean on, to go to when you feel lonely or need some cheering up. But it does get better, I promise you that.

[heartbrokenandlost]

So because this break up has really been impacting me more than others, I last week went to go see a relationship counsellor to help me manage all the over thinking and what ifs that, although I have accepted its over, I still don't get it if that makes sense.

 

I explained our entire story to her, with all the details and my baggage and his etc, and was expecting/hoping for some tough love and focus on me.

 

Also, the night before this session my ex and I had a call as we both said we wanted to leave things in a positive place for us as we both thought we had a great relationship adn didnt want to waste that if after some space for me, we can be friends. But i didnt say I wasn't sure if I could. He confirmed then, and I know him well enough to know when hes lying, that he meant everyything he'd said about how he felt about us/me but also that he felt breaking up was the "right" thing should his feelings never be more and about how hard it is/was on him (can't be that hard though now if hes met someone else!)

 

Before she did focus on me she made some observations based on what I told her about my ex and our relationship but I was able to repeat convos as verbatim as possible - that

1. what he said about how he felt about me before we actually started down a convo that resulted in us breaking up sounds like he did love me as thats how people describe feeling when in love

2. and that maybe his depression/childhood has resulted in commitment phobia and abandonment issues subconsciously.

 

She also said that men tend to jump straight into relationship after a break up or partner dying whereas women don't which was an interesting. and not sure if makes me feel better than he did move on so quickly.

 

LEft seeing her with mixed feelings as hadn't thought she would throw 1 and 2 in the mix but she was useful in reminding me that its okay to be sad and thinking about the memories (but for set period of time) but the over thinking and what ifs are what I need to manage better.

Which ironically she made worse with her thoughts on him and hoping a little that the new girl is a rebound

 

Ive left the session with mixed feelings and not sure if worth going back to explore further or just seek someone else.

[ExpatInItaly]

While I am sure it helped to get things off your chest, I would not pay for another session with this relationship counselor. Is this person actually a licensed therapist?

 

I don't agree when she said men tend to jump into relationship while women don't. That is simply not true. I have seen both men and women dive right into new relationships, and both struggling with break-ups and staying single for a while. Heck, I've done both myself. It depends on the individual and the relationship they left behind.

 

In any case, no more phone calls with your ex, girl. Now that you've had that one last talk, you need to focus on moving forward with this new phase of your life.

[Zahara]

I agree with Expat. I’ve been in both camps but I’ll admit probably more times jumping into a new relationship fresh off a break-up. It’s not gender biased. The common generalization is that women work through their pain and men suppress it. Don’t place any attention on that - every relationship/individual is different.

 

If you feel like she’s not a good fit, then try someone else. I had to go through 4 therapists before meeting the right one. I stuck with her and she was an asset towards my self-development. But...

 

You also need to stop talking to your ex and come to terms with the break-up. Contact is only going to keep you digging a rabbit hole.

Edited September 10, 2018 by Zahara

[stillafool]

I've found that most people (men and women) tend to leave a relationship because they have found someone else they want to date and that is why they end up in a relationship right away. Not because they have left and are now searching for someone new.

[preraph]

Men do often find another woman right away, and while they may hope it leads to a relationship, I think the main motivator is panic that they may be looking at a dry period for sex after the breakup.