ex met someone 3 wks after we broke up but still hope he comes back to me **Updated**

[heartbrokenandlost]

My ex and I were together two years and following an out of the blue question he said that he still didn't love me whereas I did him but did have strong feelings for me. I feel like he should have known by two years but also wasn't rushing him as he does have some emotional baggage and also after two months of meeting we did long ish distance for 9 months and saw each other once a month for a city break.

 

We were both back in London for just over a year when we broke up but i was commuting and staying out of london three days a week for 7 months also.

 

On the day we broke up he said he was the happiest hes ever been with someone, loved how easy and comfortable it was and said he wouldnt be with me if he didn't see it progressing. But ultimately he didnt feel as strong as me and he felt its not worth us trying as if he never gets there itll be ever harder. He has said before he thinks he suffers from depression and wondered if that played into it but even then, he said he had been in love before only a few times but knew by 2 years if he loved them. My point was that some people fall madly in love within a few months and then years later fall out of love so why was he not willing to try if there was a good foundation there as syaing you're the happiest youve ever been etc

 

I struggled to cut contact and for three months there have been texts, some semi friendly but often my emotions just came out. And he would also say its been hard for him and missed me

 

I found out that three weeks after breaking up he went on tinder and is now seeing a girl from there. I dont think its a rebound as he said its serious and they went on a weekend holiday after a month of being together. He said they met and it was easy, he likes her and they got on but doesnt yet know how he feels about her. I think he's sugar coating the last bit as if hes serious with her and its only been two months then i guess he has feelings for her.

 

I really do love him and its hard to accept that there wasn't something there fo rhim to want to have tried based on the things he said. He confirmed all the positive he said were true and that this has been hard for him too. He even said it the day I found out he had been seeing her, which was only 10 weeks after we broke up and said yes he had had what ifs like he'd said before about us breaking up but felt it was the "right" decision as he felt he would never love me (Although I dont get how you know for sure if you say you have strong feelings adn all the other stuff) and also that it was still hard for him too.

 

I don';t get how he can say its hard for him and have moved on and have feelings for someone else. I know him and he wouldn't say its serious if it was just a rebound. I dont get how emotionally hes moved on so quickly from his feelings for me and us to be able to be seeing someone seriously and is he just sayings its hard for him too to make me feel better. HE got upset the other day when suggested he was fine and said tbh i didnt know he was or is doing. But his actions dont match his words as you can't be sad about us breaking up but still out having fun with another girl (he admitted its serious despite his not sure of feelings comment) and for that statement after 2 weeks it suggests its a couple not just dating.

 

I also know i Want him back but i think having maintained contact and been very negative has pushed him further away and made him forget the great two years we had and closer to this girl who clearly is not negative and very different from me.

 

Am i being foolish in thinking if i now cut off all contact (three months later) he might miss me and realise he'd want to give it a go or has the fact that ive been going on about the break up and that hes met someone serious means its over and hes met someone new he wants to be with.

 

Just heartbreaking that he could not want to try, and then move on so quickly

Edited August 31, 2018 by heartbrokenandlost

[Zahara]

Am i being foolish in thinking if i now cut off all contact (three months later) he might miss me and realise he'd want to give it a go or has the fact that ive been going on about the break up and that hes met someone serious means its over and hes met someone new he wants to be with.

 

It's hopeful not foolish. In any case, if he didn't love you as much as you hoped he would during your relationship, I don't think it's going to change even if you implement NC.

 

Don't focus on his words. He is telling you what you want to hear in order to relieve some of your hurt. Regardless of whether it is a rebound or a serious relationship, he is choosing to move on. That is the absolute bottom line and it's not changing.

 

You need to go NC so that you can focus on healing and moving on. It's not a tool to try and manipulate an ex to want you back.

 

Just heartbreaking that he could not want to try, and then move on so quickly

 

You are projecting your emotions on him. He can't try if he doesn't feel the same way you feel.

 

He didn't move on so quickly. He was likely processing ending it with you a long time ago. It didn't just occur to him. Some people can still go through the motions of being in a relationship without being as emotionally attached as you think they may be. And usually when they realize it's not what they want, they take their time processing the idea of breaking up until it leads to fruition. You the dumpee unfortunately is stunned when it happens because it's out of the blue, with no sign/indication, etc.

 

Again, NC and try to focus forward.

[heartbrokenandlost]

Yeah i can see that. I don't know if hes saying it to alleviate my hurt as he got very annoyed that i suggested he was okay or not finding it hard, saying he was dealing with his own stuff too.

 

When I said that there clearly wasn't enough there between us that he thought it wasnt worth trying for he just scoffed and said thats what i thought, and its statements like this that confused me and led me to hold on for so long and fight for us.

 

The bit i forget to add was that we were planning on going travelling for a few years and i did check with him that he wanted to go with me adn not jsut because i was someone to go with and he said yes.

 

Maybe im reading too much into it because i do feel more but i just dont get if he said hes the happiest hes ever been and had strong feelings for me (this was before the convo led to breaking up) surely that should want to give it time if i wasnt putting pressure on it

[heartbrokenandlost]

I'm really struggling with him being with someone else especially so soon and it not being a rebound. Know its not black and white like this but it does just feel he got over me in a matter of weeks no matter what he was saying, and feel like its really damaging my self worth despite me being aware of it.

 

I care for him and want him to be happy but also i wish it wasnt so soon that he met someone and got into a serious relationship.

 

I just cant stop thinking abou tthem together and wake up in the middle of the night since i found out just thinking of her face copied over mine in our memories and if hes already happier and feelings are stronger than they were for me for two years. Know i shouldnt think like this but i really cant stop

[Zahara]

Maybe im reading too much into it because i do feel more but i just dont get if he said hes the happiest hes ever been and had strong feelings for me (this was before the convo led to breaking up) surely that should want to give it time if i wasnt putting pressure on it

 

These are textbook lines dumpers give you when they are going to end it/break up with you. They say this to soften the blow, to boost your worth and to alleviate the pain the pain they know they are going to put on you. They do this because of their guilt with disappointing and hurting the dumpee.

 

If he had strong feelings, you wouldn't be where you are today.

 

I just cant stop thinking abou tthem together and wake up in the middle of the night since i found out just thinking of her face copied over mine in our memories and if hes already happier and feelings are stronger than they were for me for two years. Know i shouldnt think like this but i really cant stop

 

What you are feeling is very normal. I went through the same obsessive thoughts when I found out an ex was seeing someone else. It's very painful. It's only natural to grieve the loss and to question your value. But you need to understand that this isn't about you but a compatibility issue. You both want different things and value the relationship differently.

 

Regardless of whether he is in a rebound relationship or if it is serious, you need to let him go. You must not and should not remain witness to his life and what he's doing with it. You will be in constant pain if you keep talking to him and seeking comfort from him. He can't soothe your pain away, he is the cause of it. So let go, lean on your friends and family and stay away from him.

Edited August 31, 2018 by Zahara

[heartbrokenandlost]

These are textbook lines dumpers give you when they are going to end it/break up with you. They say this to soften the blow, to boost your worth and to alleviate the pain the pain they know they are going to put on you. They do this because of their guilt with disappointing and hurting the dumpee.

 

If he had strong feelings, you wouldn't be where you are today.

 

Thanks for your words, i think its this thinking i slowly need to accept.

 

I do want to believe that he had strong feelings for me as felt did know him in those two years but also that he was aware that they werent as strong as mine and therefore was best to end it and avoid hurt if he knew he was never going to feel more.

 

WE have been very hones with each other since the break up and he said the things he said before the break up convo (which to point out i raised not him because i was upset about something in particular and he did say that he wouldnt be with someone if he didnt see it progressing but when i asked him to rate is feelings for me, not the best way to deal with things i know, he said he does have strong feelings for me but just not as much as me and doesnt want to risk it being harder down the road if that doesnt change and that he feels its the 'right decision' despite part of him wanting to be with me still, ) is true but maybe now hes had a break from me hes realised it was jus hte idea of me/us that made him feel this way.

 

I dont now which thinking makes me feel better tbh and as much as i know from this that thsi means it wasnt the right relationship for both of us, there is also a bit of me that still wants to fight for it but i just have to stick it out and stick to NC and moving on as he has done to protect myself.

[heartbrokenandlost]

I have really over analzyed everything we both have said, and wonder if he can feel all that he said but after space realise it was never enough and that im just making logics/excuse for his depression and emotional damage

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I would stick to No Contact now.

 

I agree with everything Zahara said above. He no doubt cared about you and loved you on some level, but not in the way that is necessary to sustain a relationship long-term. It's hard to swallow, I know, and I have a lot of sympathy for you.

 

I was once in his shoes, years ago. It was hard to break up with that ex, because he was a good guy and hadn't done anything wrong, exactly. But I came to realize that I didn't see a future with him and wanted out more than I wanted to stay.

[Zahara]

I dont now which thinking makes me feel better tbh and as much as i know from this that thsi means it wasnt the right relationship for both of us, there is also a bit of me that still wants to fight for it but i just have to stick it out and stick to NC and moving on as he has done to protect myself.

 

I know you are struggling with this and it's hard not to question what you really meant to him. I am sure he had feelings for you and in his own way valued what you both had but unfortunately what he felt wasn't strong enough to take this relationship to the next level.

 

It's a difficult pill to swallow and we often question our worth. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. But it was better that he was honest with you now rather than dragging you further out into this relationship.

[heartbrokenandlost]

Thank you all for your words. It is re confirming what i logically know but finding it hard to swallow right now

 

Do you think he can truly be serious about her when he says he does s wonder what if and finds it hard still but I think that’s just maybe guilt for moving on. He said it was serious and that he likes her but doesn’t know how he feels about her which I take as he has feelings for her already and sees it going somewhere as it has been two months.

 

I know it’s not my business but I need some advice on this so I can just over analysing

[Zahara]

Thank you all for your words. It is re confirming what i logically know but finding it hard to swallow right now

 

Do you think he can truly be serious about her when he says he does s wonder what if and finds it hard still but I think that’s just maybe guilt for moving on. He said it was serious and that he likes her but doesn’t know how he feels about her which I take as he has feelings for her already and sees it going somewhere as it has been two months.

 

I know it’s not my business but I need some advice on this so I can just over analysing

 

I think you need to stop focusing on where and what his new relationship is about and try to come to terms with the fact that this relationship has reached its demise. He could be single tomorrow, he would still likely be moving on.

 

I know you are riddled with all kinds of thoughts i.e. is she better than me, she's getting the best of him, why doesn't he love me like he loves her, etc. And you're comparing his interest in her versus his interest in you. All very normal but regardless of whatever answers you find, more so speculative, it's not going to change your position. So breaking your brain is a futile effort.

 

You're going to struggle with this for awhile but you'll come to terms with it. You need to go into self-preservation mode and block him for your own sake. This is so you can heal and move on. Avoiding triggers is a must, therefore you should go NC and block all access to him.

[heartbrokenandlost]

My ex and I broke up after two years as he did feel as strongly as I did for him and wasn’t sure if he would and wanted to avoid the risk of continuing on and him not ever being able to say he loved me although he said he did have strong feelings for me. I don’t doubt that that or that he wasn’t happy in the relationship but ultimately it was the “right” decision. The break up has been hard for both of us but obviously harder for me as I did love him and neither of us have negative feelings towards the other or the relationship although ihGe been vocal more gain he has about how this doesn’t feel the right decision etc but have come

To accept it.

 

Anyway. I found out he joined tinder theee weeks after we broke up and happened to swipe on a girl who he went on some dates with and they’ve now been seeing each other for two months (we’ve been broken up three months now).

 

He said that when they met they just got on and it was easy and hadn’t intended to meet someone so soon (but if he joined tinder I guess he did). He’s said that they get on and he does like her but he doesn’t know how he feels about her although also admitting it is serious. Surely if it’s seirous means he has feelings for her? They went on to a European city break after a month of being together and she’s posting pictures of them on social media together. He isn’t but he never does in any relationship.

 

As much as I want to believe this is a rebound it sounds to me its more as he wouldn’t have said it’s serious and think he’s just sugar coating the not knowing his feelings for her. Also surely she wouldn’t post on social media if it was just causal dating etc ?

 

I just don’t get how someone who has said that this has been really hard for him too (including while they first went on some dates) could already be in another relationship so soon.

[heartbrokenandlost]

Thank you for the words and advice.

 

Have never had a break up hit me so hard so this is def making me feel lost and broken at the moment as much as I don’t want this to define me

 

I’m really struggling the entire three months of waking up once or twice a night with such sadness but waking up crying is less frequent. Any thoughts on how to manage this. Even if I keep myself busy before bed and sleep as late as possible I still wake up literally feeling heartbroken.

 

Like last night I woke up at 1am with vivid images of him sleeping next to this new girl he is seeing and just couldn’t shake it no matter what I tried

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you think he can truly be serious about her when he says he does s wonder what if and finds it hard still but I think that’s just maybe guilt for moving on. He said it was serious and that he likes her but doesn’t know how he feels about her which I take as he has feelings for her already and sees it going somewhere as it has been two months.

 

Speaking from my own experience, yes. It's possible.

 

What he does shouldn't be you focus at this point. Yes, the thought of them together will hurt for a while. But it will eventually start to fade. You have said the crying is already diminishing a bit; waking up in the night will likely start to happen less frequently too.

 

Just to clarify, when is the last time you had contact with him?

[ExpatInItaly]

We answered this in your other thread here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/663745-ex-met-someone-3-wks-after-we-broke-up-but-still-hope-he-comes-back-me

 

But to recap, and at the risk of sounding blunt, he appeared to move on quickly because emotionally he just wasn't invested in your relationship by the time he ended it. When someone breaks up for the reasons he did, they don't need the same mourning period as the dumpee because mentally they were already gone.

 

I wouldn't call this a rebound, in the usual sense of the word, because he is the one who wanted out and was ready to move on. Rebounds are generally what dumpees seek out, because they're so heartbroken and shell-shocked that they look for just about anyone to fill the void and make the pain go away. That isn't what happened with him, though, if you want my honest opinion. He knew he couldn't give you the future you wanted with him, so he saw himself out.

 

Whether or not this new relationship becomes truly serious is anyone's guess. It might, it might not. But even if it doesn't work out, you cannot assume that he will come back. If his reasons for ending it were sincere, he will leave you be so you can move on too.

 

But girl, you need to block his new girlfriend on social media so you don't torment yourself by looking at her photos.

[Gretchen12]

You have a better chance of getting him back if his new relationship was serious and he loves her. People who can love, will continue to love. People who cannot love, just go through the motions in short relationships.

You must not assume everyone is capable of love. Some cannot love another, and they cannot feel love from another. So that kind of life really sucks. They're good at pretending, at romance, in a new relationship. That's because they know the expected behaviors, so they act it, say the right things. These are skills an unloved child had to learn. This type of people want approval, and they move on once they get it from you.

You've known him for two years, so you would know what is his longest relationship. You would also know, if you are sensitive, whether there was something not right, even when he seemed so into you. When it's not real, you get that uneasy feeling, (if you're in tune). You don't get the answer by asking him. You should know.

Edited September 1, 2018 by Gretchen12

[heartbrokenandlost]

I know I can never understand someone else’s thinking etc but I do know he had strong feelings for him and also that the break up wasn’t planned or on his mind. When we stated the conversation that led to breaking up he said all the things about being the happiest he’s been with someone etc and reinforcing that he did wjwant to be with me. When I raised if he loved me yet that’s when things went down hill and whereas I was willing to try and we spoke about moving together for work for 6 months but he then felt the right decision was to call it a day to save us both more hurt if we carried on and he never felt the same.

 

But he did say of course he had doubts and that this was really hard for him too. Even two months after being broken up , a month seincr he’d been with this new girl, he confirmed he’d had what ifs and was still hard for him too and mentioned he’d been looking at some of our pictures.

 

I know he would heal and move in sooner as he didn’t feel as strong as I did but at the same time I don’t understand how he could move on so quickly to actually be seeing someone , not just dating, and confirm it’s serious.

 

Know I shouldn’t care what he does anymore but it’s not that easy to switch off as unintentionally he has kept my hopes up with the comments ole above and saying a month after the break up he wished things were different snd he was missing me (but had already been on some dates with her by then )

 

Can someone really move on that quickly emotionally and be able to form a new relationship?

[ExpatInItaly]

the break up wasn’t planned or on his mind.

Unless he is mentally unstable and incredibly impulsive, this is not true. He didn't just wake up one day and decide to end a 2-year relationship without having thought about it at all. A big part of your healing will come from acceptance; I know it's too painful to consider, but he had indeed been thinking about this before he actually pulled the plug.

 

Can someone really move on that quickly emotionally and be able to form a new relationship?

Yes, and I speak from experience. In my early 20s, I ended a 5-year relationship with a good guy that I was no longer in love with and knew I didn't want a future with. I had at one time had strong feelings, but I couldn't deny that they just weren't there anymore and I didn't want to be with him forever. About a month after that break-up, I met the man I would stay with for the next 8 years. It was overall a better relationship than the previous one, for many reasons. I was ready to move on because it had been a long time since I'd had a romantic attachment to my ex, I came to realize.

 

As I said, when someone is emotionally detached enough, then it's not too difficult to move on to a new relationship. It's not fun to watch when you're the party who didn't want to break up, but it happens.

[heartbrokenandlost]

so for some background

 

His mum died when he was 15, his sister who is a decade older than him raised him and his dad was a deadbeat who was never around. He had also confirmed that he does suffer from depression but hasn't yet sought help for this.

 

It may sound like excuses but geneuinely the day we spoke it wasn't a break up conversation that was planned, we were just talking about something that upset me and asked if it was a sign that something was not working with us. Thats when he said no, he wanted to be with me and wouldn't be with me if he didnt see it progressing, he was the happiest hes been with someone , and loved how comofrtable and easy it was with us. However i then prodded about gauging his feelings and he said he hadn't really sat and thought about them as was just happy as things were going and progressing but actually on thinking about it he had strong feelings for me but wasn't near the L word and said that hes not loved many people but hes known by the two year mark (although we've not had the most conventional relationship in terms of long distance for the first year etc). He said that he felt he should know by two years, not something i totally agree with, and therefore was best to end it. I know i didnt see the break up coming and am jaded by my own feelings but i can honestly say he wasn;t thinking or planning the break up.

 

this is why i find it so hard as he just gave up so easily on something without a fight and then still say he wished things were different and of course had doubts but it was a risk of us getting more hurt more if he never go there and was therefore the "right" decision to make for us.

 

But i have come to accept that i cant hang any more value on what ifs based on over analysing his words as his actions have shown differently but i will wonder if any of it is linked to his mental health.

 

This is why i also so want to believe this girl is a rebound but i know ultimately he didn't plan or think about breaking up but i guess his feelings would switch off sooner despite what hes been saying to me about how hes been doing but i guess he can still be dealing with the break up but still develop feelings for someone else? I know its normal to feel like this but also i cant stop thinking about it all and what him being serious and liking her but not knowing what his feelings are for her

[ExpatInItaly]

I know i didnt see the break up coming and am jaded by my own feelings but i can honestly say he wasn;t thinking or planning the break up.

this is why i find it so hard as he just gave up so easily on something without a fight

 

Well, no, unless you are a mind-reader, you can't. You are not inside his head. Just because he never voiced his doubts and thoughts of breaking up does not mean he never considered it. The fact that he couldn't tell you he loved you after two years together is a pretty big indication of a mismatch in your and his feelings, though. As such, he isn't "dealing with" the end of the relationship in the same way you are. Yes, it's sad and sucks to hurt someone. I felt horrible hurting my ex aforementioned ex when I broke up with him. But I was ready to move on romantically.

 

The reason he's didn't fight is because he doesn't want to fight for it. He doesn't have those feelings for you any longer, sadly. The notion of fighting for something (or someone) is flawed, because it means that both parties should be fighting for the same goal of staying together. He didn't want that, though. He probably was okay coasting along, but realized he can't continue to do that when you want more out of it and he doesn't feel the same way about you

 

And yes, you are making excuses for him. I get that, because it's a painful blow when we realize our partners don't want the relationship anymore. We look for reasons to rationalize it to mitigate the hurt. His background doesn't mean he can't logically decide to end a relationship he doesn't wish to be in anymore, though.

Edited September 1, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[ExpatInItaly]

Just for some context, how old are both of you? Is this your first serious relationship?

[heartbrokenandlost]

Hi

 

He’s 33 I’m 31. No I had a 5 yr and 3tr relationships as well as some shelter dating stints. This is the one that’s impacted me the most

 

I know on the days I’m less emotional that is is for the best and i must listen to his actions not words but there’s days like the last couple of days where I’m still not okay with the outcome.

 

I had said to him quite clearly when we spoke about a month after breaking up that okay it’s fine clearly there wasn’t enough for him between us to try and want to see and he just scoffed and said that was my opinion. It’s comments like these and saying how he was feeling so so and a bit down too because of the beam up when I’d check in. Even a month after we broke up he said yes of course he had doubts about us breaking up he he still chose to go on the dates with this girl around this time so much as I wished he would realise the doubts etc may mean something he chooses to not listen to it and I have to listen to that rather than hang on words that say what I want to hear between the lines

[heartbrokenandlost]

I know I sound silly and naive hanging on the what ifs but it’s the first relationship where when it’s ended my gut has said it’s not the right move (the actual day of the out of the blue break up convo I was the instigator of the convo and the decision tbh) but I then realised I had not expressed properly what I’d meant whereas he had chosen to stick with the decision.

 

I hate that I feel like I’ve lost a lot of self respect by trying to fight for something wit him and also that I have tainited the positive feelings he did have about us/me with how I’ve been after.

 

I have told him that yes it’s taken three months because we had said he wanted to be friends still and I hadn’t been selfish enough to think of my healing but I need to now and so don’t want any contact going fkrwards and don’t think I be be friends as I will always wonder if I hadn’t been so emotional that day for a number of reasons not just him, and handled the conversation about what I was upset about different things maybe things would be different. And I know I can’t get over this feelings without cutting all contact with him. When I said I had BLOCKED him not because I hate him or anything but just for my own healing and that I didn’t think we could be friends he just said that he hoped we can meet up and see each other at some point I told him I couldn’t see that happened and he has my number and all I can do is see how I feel when/if he gets in contact

 

Tbh I think this and the discovery of the new girl in his life are why my grieving for the relationship has taken a step back and I know it’s not a linear journey through the phases of getting over this but I think it’s me finally accepting and letting go and turly dealing with the break up rather than what ifs etc

[Zahara]

You’ve done a courageous thing by blocking him. It’s a difficult step to take but a very crucial one and most do not have the strength to do it because they fear letting go. But you’ve taken a giant leap towards your healing. Self-care and self-love is important during this time. Lean on your friends and family to support you through this journey. You’re going to get to the other side. Just stay the course no matter how uncomfortable it’s going to become.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you need to start looking at this actions.

 

Stay out of contact with him, and stay off his and her social media.

 

You will heal from this, and when you do, you will be ready to meet a man who wants to commit and doesn't need two years to tell you he loves you. In other words, you will be better equipped to spot the signs that someone isn't as invested as you.