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I just realized I really messed up... how do I get him to ask me out again?


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Posted

There's a guy I'm i love with, and I previously went camping with him. It was a bit awkward afterwards... Although he did keep in touch, it didn't happen the way I thought it would. He didn't ask me out on any dates.

 

About 2 weeks after the camp, there was a social gathering, and he checked in with me the night before... it was as if he was checking to see if we were still speaking to each other (things were that awkward...). Just a few days before, after speaking to someone close to me about what happened, they helped me make sense of everything that happened on the trip, and helped me to see that he really likes me and cares about me, and he didn't know that I was interested.

 

When I arrived at the social gathering, I got the sense that he missed me just as much as I missed him by the way he acted when he saw me... suddenly I got a kiss on the cheek, and he was being really chivalrous. Not long after that, he did something which caught me off guard... he found a way to let me know that he loves me and wanted me to love him back, without saying it directly, because we were surrounded by other people. It was done in a very calculated way, and I got the idea that the reason he checked in with me the previous night, was to know if he should plan a way to do this the following day, or not. Someone else I spoke to afterwards, told me they also noticed it, and knew what he was saying to me. But under the circumstances, there was no way for me to respond to what he was saying, when he was saying it. He started to flirt with me in a big way, and he didn't care who saw it. One of our friends noticed and started laughing embarrassingly (thankfully not out loud!) as he watched everything unfold.

 

At one point, I looked over to the guy I'm in love with, and he was gazing into my eyes... He didn't look away when I caught him either... he just kept gazing into my eyes. I'll never forget the look on his face... I felt so much love coming from him. Later on, he started to tease me relentlessly :p He also made sure I got home safely that night by driving in front of me because I didn't have anything to protect myself in the car, in case something happened. He also offered to help me with something at home and said to let him know when I'm ready.

 

He asked about it again a few days ago, but it is on hold at the moment (from my side, not his).

 

After the social gathering, things went back to how they were before. I so, so want to go on a date with him, but he's not asking.. and I've been wondering why... Then last night, I remembered something that happened at the camp, which I completely forgot happened. There was a moment when he DID ask me if I wanted to stop for coffee somewhere, on our way home. I remember the way he looked at me when he asked, like he was really hoping to see my face light up at the suggestion of a date outside the group. But that's not what happened.. I held back so much that I just said OK and didn't show much enthusiasm, even though on the inside I was craving a date with him. I was in love with him, but I didn't think he felt the same way about me.. so even though I was there with him, on the inside I was feeling hurt. When I think back to when he asked me, my response and lack of enthusiasm must have made him think I was uncomfortable with the idea of going for coffee with him, so he changed direction and said maybe we should just have coffee at the camp before we leave. He ended up making me some coffee before we left.

 

I know that the more he loves someone, the more scared he is of getting hurt. I know this because of something he told me before. I had a crush on him and I was so scared of getting hurt that I held back to such a degree that he didn't know I was interested in him. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I realized he must have had a crush on me too for quite some time and in his eyes, we were 'together' at the camp, whereas I thought he only asked me to go because he wanted some company.

 

So now... I think he's scared of asking me out on a date again... :( How can I get him to ask me again? How do I hint that I want him to ask me and that I want to see him one-on-one without being too forward?

Posted

Why don't you just ask him out yourself? Just for something simple like coffee. If he declines, then at least you know where you stand.

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Posted
So now... I think he's scared of asking me out on a date again... :( How can I get him to ask me again? How do I hint that I want him to ask me and that I want to see him one-on-one without being too forward?

 

Oh it's simple... quit playing coy and ask him when he'd like to meet for that coffee that you had talked about previously.

 

He put himself out there once or twice and let you know he's interested, but you didn't give him any encouragement. The ball is in your court. There's no risk because you already know how he feels. There's nothing wrong with taking some initiative. At the very least you need to initiate contact and flirt a little. Why does that seem so difficult?

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Posted (edited)

This is all going to devolve down into a huge, unnecessary, emotional routing because you refuse to open your mouth and tell him you care about him, too.

 

He's made two attempts so far. You've made none. Guess what that looks like from the outside?

 

He's going to think that you don't like him, that you want attention from other guys (better guys in his eyes) and it's going to be all drama between you two in the future because, as was aptly pointed out above, you're too invested in playing coy.

 

YOU are the one who needs to make the next move, not him.

 

he DID ask me if I wanted to stop for coffee somewhere, on our way home. I remember the way he looked at me when he asked, like he was really hoping to see my face light up at the suggestion of a date outside the group. But that's not what happened.. I held back so much that I just said OK and didn't show much enthusiasm,

 

Yeah, there is no way he's going to arse himself again after you basically acted disinterested and "meh" about his invite.

 

Do try to make it your policy that your words and your intentions match up like a dove-tail joint. You claim that:

I was in love with him, but I didn't think he felt the same way about me.. so even though I was there with him, on the inside I was feeling hurt.

 

Acting like you don't give a rip, in his eyes, puts the lie to the above quote from you. You're acting like you don't care--and your actions are what he's basing his behavior on, not your thoughts which you clearly do not share with him.

Edited by kendahke
  • Like 2
Posted

Just ask him out. Pick up the phone, dial his number and say, hey it was nice to see you the other night. I had a great time. Would you like to meet for coffee on _____ at ____? If it doesn't work for him, he'll offer a different time.

 

 

 

It's that simple.

  • Author
Posted

Wow... that's a bit harsh... I'm not playing coy, I'm just being me. This is who I am.. I am shy by nature.

 

Part of why I held back so much at the camp was because he posted a picture of himself with another woman a few days before the camp. He removed it again that evening - about a day before he arranged to pick me up - but I saw it. And when I did, I assumed it meant he had a girlfriend, or wasn't over his ex. So throughout the trip, this was in the back of my mind, and when he started to talk about love and all, I assumed he was thinking about an ex, not about me. I assumed he just wanted the company and that he didn't ask me to go with him because he was interested in me.

 

I made a point of it to let my guard down when I saw him at the social gathering. So he should know now that I like him back. In fact the things he said at the end of the day when he was teasing me, hinted that he now knew I liked him. I didn't look away when he locked eyes with me. I gave him a kiss back. I even gave him a small gift, something he mentioned he wanted to get a sample of from me.

Posted
I made a point of it to let my guard down when I saw him at the social gathering. So he should know now that I like him back. In fact the things he said at the end of the day when he was teasing me, hinted that he now knew I liked him. I didn't look away when he locked eyes with me. I gave him a kiss back. I even gave him a small gift, something he mentioned he wanted to get a sample of from me.

 

And yet, when he asked you out for coffee, you gave him a lukewarm reply. You are inadvertently sending mixed signals, so now, he probably isn't convinced that you like him back. You can't expect that he "should" know that.

 

I understand you are shy, but if you want a shot at this, you need to take the bull by the horns and ask him to meet up.

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Posted
Wow... that's a bit harsh... I'm not playing coy, I'm just being me. This is who I am.. I am shy by nature.

 

And sensitive, apparently. Nobody is saying you're a bad person, but being overly shy and reticent when he's taking the initiative is pretty much the definition of coy. I get it. It's probably caused by a bit of insecurity. But...

 

You have to understand how these male-female interactions work and learn to hold up your end if you want it to be successful. Sure, it may mean stepping out of your comfort zone a little but that's life. It's like ping-pong... he serves and you have to return. If you don't raise your paddle there will be no game.

 

As we said before, the ball is in your court now. It's painful for a guy to take the risk and get shot down (or a non-response), and once that happens why would he keep trying? Think about this... if you find it too uncomfortable to even respond in kind, how do you think that feels for him?

 

Just call him up and ask to meet for coffee. And when he smiles, makes eye contact, shows enthusiasm... respond in a way that affirms your interest. Otherwise it feels like you aren't interested. Simple as that.

 

There was a moment when he DID ask me if I wanted to stop for coffee somewhere, on our way home. I remember the way he looked at me when he asked, like he was really hoping to see my face light up at the suggestion of a date outside the group. But that's not what happened.. I held back so much that I just said OK and didn't show much enthusiasm, even though on the inside I was craving a date with him.
  • Like 1
Posted

But what about the other woman? Why is this fact being ignored? She clearly saw him post a picture of himself with another woman that he later took down...should she not have some concern about that? What if this guy's a player?

 

Yes, OP, the onus is on you. It's your turn to reach out and connect, but I would keep that other woman in the back of my mind. I am not saying that if the two of you meet up for coffee or anything that you have to tell him about what you saw, but during conversation you may want to casually ask if he's seeing/attached to someone else. This way you have a chance to gauge whether or not she's someone significant in his life. Good luck.

Posted
But what about the other woman? Why is this fact being ignored? She clearly saw him post a picture of himself with another woman that he later took down...should she not have some concern about that? What if this guy's a player?

 

Based on nothing more than a picture posted on FB? If he's a single guy then it would be normal and expected that he'd have interactions with others. Posting a pic on facebook doesn't mean they're an item... it doesn't mean anything. If that happened after they'd been dating and became exclusive it would be different. Single guys are allowed to talk to women.

  • Like 2
Posted

This is what you do....make yourself available to him, by texting him, sending him a sexy selfie or a flirty text (not too obvious), start asking questions about himself, maybe throw in a compliment...hint you have nothing going on Friday night. Try that and see if he will catch on. If you feel he really wanted to take you out that time he asked, and looked as tho he really was interested in you, then make the effort to put yourself out there to give him his confidence back.

Posted

You say This is who I am. Well, you have control over everything you do, so change who you are so you don't keep messing things up for yourself. Just because your comfort zone is to freeze up and freeze people out doesn't mean you shouldn't get out of your comfort zone and change your own behavior. You are in control over everything you do. So stop using "I'm shy" as a blanket excuse for everything. Make yourself do something that's not comfortable for once! It's called becoming mature.

  • Like 1
Posted
Based on nothing more than a picture posted on FB? If he's a single guy then it would be normal and expected that he'd have interactions with others. Posting a pic on facebook doesn't mean they're an item... it doesn't mean anything. If that happened after they'd been dating and became exclusive it would be different. Single guys are allowed to talk to women.

 

But how does she know he's single? Shouldn't she probe a bit? Putting up a picture and then taking it right back down seems a bit shady to me.

Posted
But how does she know he's single? Shouldn't she probe a bit? Putting up a picture and then taking it right back down seems a bit shady to me.

 

Nah, I wouldn't attribute any evil motive to something like that. If you follow that line of reasoning, how does she know he's not a serial killer?

 

Chances are that he's a single guy who is interested in dating, and he's exploring possibilities. It's not reasonable to expect that he'd be dedicated to her when they haven't even met for coffee. She might have a bit of competition, and it may or may not work out. That's just how it works.

  • Like 1
Posted
Nah, I wouldn't attribute any evil motive to something like that. If you follow that line of reasoning, how does she know he's not a serial killer?

 

Chances are that he's a single guy who is interested in dating, and he's exploring possibilities. It's not reasonable to expect that he'd be dedicated to her when they haven't even met for coffee. She might have a bit of competition, and it may or may not work out. That's just how it works.

 

Ok, makes sense.

Posted

OP, don't waste another second. Take it from me. If he is in fact dating around/exploring his options, you don't want to afford him time to build a deep connection with someone else if you truly believe the two of you have something special...snap him up! No regrets down the road. Don't let him be the one that got away.

  • Author
Posted

The pic he posted was a profile pic... I assume the woman was his ex since he mentioned her and the break up more than once on the trip.

 

I doubt he's seeing anyone else. He's a great catch, but he's also a very devoted Christian and it's not really the norm for us to see more than one person at a time. He also has very specific plans for the future which few women will accept. I just happen to be planning for the same things as him. That's actually how we met...

 

But as I'm typing this, I'm starting to wonder if he's perhaps not over his ex. Maybe that's part of the problem, and the last thing I want is to be in a rebound relationship..

 

Could he not be over his ex, and yet love me?

Posted
Part of why I held back so much at the camp was because he posted a picture of himself with another woman a few days before the camp. He removed it again that evening - about a day before he arranged to pick me up - but I saw it. And when I did, I assumed it meant he had a girlfriend, or wasn't over his ex. So throughout the trip, this was in the back of my mind, and when he started to talk about love and all, I assumed he was thinking about an ex, not about me. I assumed he just wanted the company and that he didn't ask me to go with him because he was interested in me.

 

The pic he posted was a profile pic... I assume the woman was his ex since he mentioned her and the break up more than once on the trip.

 

There is an old adage regarding the verb assume: It makes an "a$$" out of "u" and "me".

I doubt he's seeing anyone else.

I'm starting to wonder if he's perhaps not over his ex

Maybe that's part of the problem

Could he not be over his ex, and yet love me?

 

Stop speculating and find out for certain if what you are hazarding your guesses upon are really the truth about the situation.

 

When you were sitting talking with him at the event or even after, why did it not occur to you to ask him if he had a girlfriend? You'd have had your answer to everything that night.

 

I'm just not getting how refusing to know anything that you're basing everything on is preferred over getting first hand information in order to make informed decisions.

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