Big blowout fight ends in breakup, dumper agreed with meeting with me

[incognitoici]

Hey guys, I’ve been a long time lurker for several years. It is so nice to see everyone’s point of view in so many items whenever I need help with my relationship. This is actually my first time posting on here, and would really love everyone’s input.

 

My ex-boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 8 months and lived together for 8 months. He and I recently got into a fight, one week ago from today. The next day was my mother’s one year death anniversary and I was not emotionally stable and I was extremely anxious. So we distracted ourselves by involving social which I believe may have played a role in exacerbating both our emotions. Essentially, it turned physical on both our ends. I was trying to get his phone to look at it, and he grabbed it back. So a battle for the phone ensued and a screaming match top that involved him stating that we were over. At the height of my emotions, and really with the only goal in mind was to get in possession of the phone, I screamed back that I agreed with the breakup.

 

Psychologically, I found it odd that he fought for his phone so much, and if he had no reason to hide anything, then he would have had no problem handing his phone over. At the same time, I also recognized that he could have done absolutely nothing and he was merely fighting back due to my invasion of his privacy and my insinuation that he could be unfaithful.

 

Anyway, I profusely apologized the next day and subsequent days once everything has calmed down. He has been answering my messages and calls; and has actually agreed to meet with me tomorrow night.

 

PS we live together but moved out all of his stuff over the weekend when I was at home with my family for my mom’s remembrance.

 

I just don’t know if I am doing the right thing? I asked him to meet up, but I don’t really have a plan…. I’ve apologized profusely to him and I don’t know if that is something I should bring up again? Does this mean he’s open to reconciling?

 

Thoughts?

 

TL; DR: Big fight between my ex and I because I tried to look at his phone; he broke up with me and moved out. He’s been receptive with all my communication and agreed to meet with me tomorrow. We have not seen each other for week. Grounds for reconciliation?

[ExpatInItaly]

Why were you trying to look through his phone? Without knowing the context, it's hard to comment on whether you had a real reason to be suspicious.

 

However, I will say this: one of my ex's was a very insecure and jealous man. He too tried on one occasion to rip my phone out of my hands, and you're darn right I resisted. I had a right to my privacy and his aggressive display only strengthened my resolve to stand up for myself and not give in to his tantrum. I was 100% faithful to him, never gave him reason to believe I wasn't, and was tired of his baseless accusations. People have every right to privacy without being accused of hiding something.

 

Has there been a history of this between you two as well? Trust issues and insecurity? We need to know more about your relationship in general, rather than just the incident that caused the break-up.

[incognitoici]

ExpatinItaly, thank you so much for your reply. About a month ago, he blocked me on all forms of social media (while still together, no fights ensured this prior him doing this) and purposely ensured that he did not open his phone around me and always took him phone with him. This is a complete change from how he was since the beginning of our relationship. And, you know, it might have just been myself creating a problem in my head. But, I asked him nicely for his phone, and he said no, and that is what triggered me to really know what was going on.

 

Yes, he has trust issues; and he has disclosed this early in our relationship. He noted that his previous relationship cheated on him, so he apologizes for any actions towards me that seem insecure and unwarranted. So, I have always given him free access to phone and all of my passwords to everything, especially social media. He also has access to my location services on the phone.

 

For my part, I had no trust issues and insecurities…. in the beginning. But that slowly grew more and more when he would accuse me of inappropriately talking to someone (always taken out of context, I love the guy 100% and was faithful to him) the more I became resentful of him and also started questioning his every move like he did with me. Essentially, in the last couple of months, we were focused on checking up on each other instead of loving each other.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why did he suddenly block you on all social media?

[incognitoici]

The reasoning for that was because he found out that I was deleting messages on my phone. Which I admittedly was…. We’ve had multiple disputes of him being extremely jealous when a guy texts me or likes my photos, no matter how benign. If it’s a guy, I’m in trouble. Often times, the guys are coworkers or old friends that reach out to me first, I have never initiated contact with them. Knowing that even the most benign messages from anyone could tip him off, I chose to delete them instead of having it prompting a fight.

 

So, with the deleted messages, I’m assuming he saw that as some sort of “act of infidelity” and chose to delete me from all of his social media. Knowing that this is what he believes was occurring, my paranoia began. I started feeling really anxious that he was doing something behind my back as a way to get back at me for something he assumed I was doing.

 

The culmination was just me being really desperate to look through his phone.

[d0nnivain]

Please accept my condolences on your mother's passing. The anniversaries can be very difficult.

 

 

Do you understand that there are serious fundamental cracks in the foundation of your relationship? He doesn't trust you. He is one of those guys that doesn't understand that 1/2 the people on the planet are of the opposite sex & that just because you caught up with a co-worker does not mean you were previously involved with that co-worker or that you want to cheat on your BF now & go sleep with every other guy who so much as says "have a nice day" to you.

 

Then in a move that highlights his immaturity he decided to punish you by cutting you off in multiple ways. This triggered you during a very stressful period & the result is you broke up. Despite your apologizes, he moved all his stuff out while you were away. That is HUGE & it screams that he doesn't want to repair this. By the time he was moving he knew that part of your overreaction & therefore the cause of the fight was our grief. You had already apologized. Rather than accept your apology, he moved out.

 

More importantly he chose to move out behind your back while you were grieving for your mother. I personally could never get past a significant personal betrayal like that. If somebody can't be there for me in the worst of times, I don't need that person around for the best. The whole thing just screams disloyal to me.

 

That's me. We're talking about you.

 

What do you need to put this back together? Don't say to be able to look in his phone. You also have to listen to what he needs to be able to put this back together. If he says you can never delete another text message without letting him see it first, are you willing to do that? I couldn't live like that but maybe you can. You certainly can't promise to never speak to another man other than him ever again about any subject. What are you supposed to do: stop talking to co-workers; never give a waiter your order in a restaurant; & pretend you are in one of those countries where women can't go out alone?

 

 

Take some time. Think about what you want. Express that to him. Hear him out when he talks about what he wants. The see if you can find a middle ground if that is what you want to do. Whatever you do, do not drink before or during this conversation. Try to listen more then you speak. Try not to raise your voice, no matter what he says or does.

 

 

I hope it works out for you.

[basil67]

The reasoning for that was because he found out that I was deleting messages on my phone. Which I admittedly was…. We’ve had multiple disputes of him being extremely jealous when a guy texts me or likes my photos, no matter how benign. If it’s a guy, I’m in trouble. Often times, the guys are coworkers or old friends that reach out to me first, I have never initiated contact with them.

 

Why is this behaviour of his not a deal breaker for you? At this point in time, I think he's done you a favour by leaving.

[incognitoici]

Wow, guys. My heart is swelling getting these replies. I feel like my friends cater their advice by how I am feeling towards that person that day. So all these statements were very insightful. Despite the time apart, the emotions and grief are apparently still blinding me from seeing a lot of issues being raised by you guys.

 

 

d0nnivain – I really appreciate that you took the time to write all of that wisdom out. You brought up really valid points that I knew existed, but you highlighted them as fundamental problems that would not help keep a relationship afloat. But you’re right, if I do meet up with him, I have to focus on listening which will, in turn, help me understand better if the continuation of the relationship is feasible or healthy. And, thank you for your condolences, I can tell my mother’s death has definitely negatively affected my mental health…

 

basil67 – I really appreciate your reply as well, thank you so much. And too answer your question, ; I guess to a fault, I love people too much. And I am sure that I am highlighting his negative traits here but I have come to an initial supposition that all the good stuff he has done for me still supersedes his negative traits. I do agree that if reconciliation is in the cards, one of the things we have to discuss first is if there are any changes. But i also agree with him that this whole situation can also be seen as a blessing.

 

 

Do you guys advice that I proceed with the meetup tomorrow? I don’t have a plan…

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you guys advice that I proceed with the meetup tomorrow? I don’t have a plan…

 

Absolutely not.

 

The ex I mentioned above was just like this guy. I couldn't live my life tethered like that. The whole relationship became toxic and it wasn't going to last. I was miserable.

 

I would let him stay gone, OP. This wasn't healthy at all.

[d0nnivain]

Do you guys advice that I proceed with the meetup tomorrow? I don’t have a plan…

 

 

You need a plan but that plan can be as simple as you will meet & listen. You don't to have all the next steps mapped out. Although closure comes from within, I think you will struggle to find closure if you don't meet.

 

 

Go. Think about what we said. Think about what he did. Think about what your mother would tell you to do. Here him out & then decide. Personally I hope you pick letting go but that's me.