babysacay Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 So I've recently taken a good long hard look at myself and my role in past relationships and learned that when I have strong feelings for someone, I feel insecure. For some reason, this insecurity affects only my romantic relationships - I worry about being ghosted or ignored or lied to and this manifests in my communication with my partners. I have commented on them being on Facebook but not answering texts and have also expressed worry about some of their friends. It's even more difficult now because there were 3 boyfriends in my past who had a friend I was insecure about. Now all those 3 boyfriends are with the friend of theirs who I was worried about - 2 are married to the person who was just their "friend". Admittedly, the insecurity was there in all those relationships and likely played a role. I (27F) have now been seeing a man (25) for about 2 and a half months exclusively (but talking since November 2017; first date was in December 2017 before he deployed - he returned in April) and I am noticing the insecurity again rearing its ugly head. He has previously told me that he is bad at texting but when I stopped by his place a week and a half ago (he lives an hour away and I was in town then because I had plans with friends), he was on his phone several times texting a friend. So then I thought him saying he is a bad texter was just an excuse he could use if he ever felt like he did not want to talk to me. I brought this up via text last night and he said that he just doesn't pay attention to his phone, which is what he meant when he said he was a bad texter. He said that he was texting his friend while I visited because he (my boyfriend) had been feeling down and was talking to his friend about it because his friend had been deployed with my boyfriend and understands what my boyfriend is going through. My boyfriend is bisexual and has never given me a reason not to trust him - I thought trusting him would be easier because it would be ridiculous for him to not have friends. Plus I'm the first relationship he's had in years; it was a big deal for him to go official with me so I thought I was special. But I feel insecure now because he won't talk to me about what's bringing him down but he talks to his friend. It's frustrating for me because I'm his girlfriend and work in the mental health field, so I'm a little hurt and confused he doesn't open up to me in that way. And I'm worried that since he talks to his friend about things he won't talk to me about and that since they went through a lot of danger during their deployment together, that he will end up developing feelings for his friend and dumping me. Last night I took some jabs that I shouldn't have and brought up past relationships, telling him that every time a bf in my past didn't want to talk about something, they didn't want to be honest with me. I essentially alluded to the possibility that he may be more than friends with his friend but I did let him know I don't care what he does or who he talks to, as long as he is honest with me. I know I shouldn't have said those things and apologized for comparing him to past bfs. He texted that he was extremely angry with me for questioning his friendship and told me I should just trust him and said that he would not want to talk more about this. He also told me that last night put a dent in things for him regarding our relationship and told me to think about if I want to date him, noting that if I don't trust him, then I don't want to date him. For me, it has more to do with my insecurities than lack of trust. He is a great boyfriend and texts me every day and also calls most days, all without me ever having to ask. He makes plans to see me when he can and has given me no reason to question him. I would just like objective people to advise me on how to overcome my insecurities since they seem to be magnified when I have romantic feelings for someone. How do I deal with them so that they don't negatively impact this relationship any more or any future ones I may have? Any advice is appreciated, thank you so much in advance! TLDR: Insecurities have affected my relationships and I need advice on how to reduce its effects in my current and/or future relationships. Current boyfriend is great but does talk to a friend about things he won't talk to me about and also texted this friend several times when I visited (I live an hour away), even though he has previously told me he was a bad texter. Confronted him about it last night and now he refuses to talk about this anymore.
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 This is where you select more carefully who you wish to invest in a relationship with. This chatting about problems and intimate details with this dear friend over you should be a deal breaker because you don't like this being part of his package deal. I have walked away from many potential BFs and relationships because something doesn't sit right with me and this would definitely be one of them.... I think you should start doing the same. He's shut down which he's not sensitive to your feelings...bubby-bye buddy
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