Breakup question: Do some cheaters use rape as a cover for infidelity?

[BillPaxton2424]

Posted a while back about my breakup a month ago.

 

TLDR, caught gf cheating on me while on vacation

 

Confronted her with evidence, she denied then said it was rape

 

I dumped her and she flew into a rage, telling me to kill myself and that she was going to murder me

 

she came back 24 hours later and apologized and asked if we could stay together if she went to a therapist.. I said no, went home and have been NC for a month

 

Anyways my question is this. Do some cheaters use the rape card when they have no other alternative? Is this common?

[Redhead14]

Posted a while back about my breakup a month ago.

 

TLDR, caught gf cheating on me while on vacation

 

Confronted her with evidence, she denied then said it was rape

 

I dumped her and she flew into a rage, telling me to kill myself and that she was going to murder me

 

she came back 24 hours later and apologized and asked if we could stay together if she went to a therapist.. I said no, went home and have been NC for a month

 

Anyways my question is this. Do some cheaters use the rape card when they have no other alternative? Is this common?

 

 

I wouldn't say it's uncommon but it does happen unfortunately. And, those who do that, do have an alternative -- don't lie to their significant other. If they use that card after they've cheated, I'd say they are in the habit of gaslighting their partners to escape accountability on other things as well.

Edited August 29, 2018 by Redhead14

[Wookin Pa Nub]

My exW is alcoholic and I know she has been so drunk before that she did not remember having sex with me the next morning. I worried about her going out without me and having sex then saying it wasn't consensual. The only way I would even consider giving her an out would be to go to the police and report it as such.

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't say it was common

 

It doesn't really matter what others do. It is what your toxic EX did.

[Orokotikki]

Cheaters lie, the only limit to their lies is what they perceive as believable by their target, and the imagination. Actually, just their imagination.

 

It would only help them to concoct a lie that would cause condemnation to be disbelieved. Usual go to is minimization (just an EA, etc.,), depending on how damning the evidence.

[basil67]

I'm still not convinced that she lied.

 

That said, some people lie, cheat, steal, commit murder or fiddle with kiddies. So of course it's possible that some people may talk of rape to cover cheating.

[Happy Lemming]

Confronted her with evidence, she denied then said it was rape

 

A similar scenario was in a book (fiction) I just read... "The Girl Before" by JP Delaney

 

Maybe she got the idea from some fictional writings??

[BillPaxton2424]

Well she does have a long history of cheating and lying about it. Years of it actually and I think she just realized she ran out of other excuses.

[basil67]

Well she does have a long history of cheating and lying about it. Years of it actually and I think she just realized she ran out of other excuses.

 

And yes, this does make her an unreliable witness. But her bruises and behaviour the next day still speak to me. The fact that someone has lied and cheated in the past does not mean that they cannot be raped.

[ExpatInItaly]

I haven't personally known someone who cheated and covered it up by lying about a rape, no.

 

That doesn't mean it's impossible, but I do not believe it's common.

[Shining One]

It's not common, but it's been done before. Nicola Osborne and Nikki Yovino come to mind. The second one wasn't technically cheating though. She lied to gain sympathy with a potential boyfriend.

[Imajerk17]

Well OP I went over and read that thread and the responses you got. To unwind what really happened with your now-ex, there really were TWO issues here.

 

1. She said she got raped. Was she telling you the truth? Well, her actions after the fact aren't inconsistent with someone who got raped. THIS is where I agree with the ladies on that other thread.

 

2. As far as *your reaction* to this, she ALREADY cheated on you via that very encounter BEFORE the rape took place. This other guy may have forced himself on her. But it doesn't change that fact that your girlfriend at the time chose to meet up with another man *in a romantic context*--even if she never consented to sex. She disrespected you and your relationship by choosing to meet up with this other man. She already cheated on you. This after you travelled all that way to see her!

 

So with 2) in mind, this is where I think the female responses you got on your other thread were completely off the mark.

 

I'm sorry ladies, but if a woman disrespects and cheats on her boyfriend by running off to meet with another guy [after said boyfriend travelled all that way to meet up with her in her country too no less!], she just cannot expect said boyfriend to be supportive to her saying she was raped during said encounter. It just doesn't work that way. He is in no position to be supportive, and the posts telling him that he should have been more supportive are just way off base. At that point, she already invalidated her relationship with her boyfriend, and she instead should go to family, trusted friends, ect.

 

So OP, whether your ex really was raped or not, don't feel the least bit guilty about how you handled the situation. You are better off without her.

Edited September 1, 2018 by Imajerk17

[preraph]

I reread your post about your girlfriend being raped by a guy who gave her a ride and having bruises and being traumatized. If she had bruises, she was raped. Why are you questioning it? No one goes and gets bruises just to cheat on you. She told you what happened. Now you're stigmatizing her for being raped, because she took a ride home with this guy who those she was with seemed to know.

 

My advice to you is you get behind that fact that she was raped and fully support her. Now, if you do that, and it turns out she's a devious liar needlessly manufacturing elaborate schemes to appear to have been raped, maybe her conscience will get to her and she'll fade on out of your life or confess.

 

But when someone says they're raped and they have bruises, the police call that evidence.

Edited September 1, 2018 by preraph

[Imajerk17]

Yes, we do indeed need to have a conversation as a society about how we can better treat those coming forward and saying that they have just been raped.... And related, I do agree that OP's ex was showing the signs consistent with rape. However.....

 

I reread your post about your girlfriend being raped by a guy who gave her a ride and having bruises and being traumatized. If she had bruises, she was raped. Why are you questioning it? No one goes and gets bruises just to cheat on you. She told you what happened. Now you're stigmatizing her for being raped, because she took a ride home with this guy who those she was with seemed to know.

 

My advice to you is you get behind that fact that she was raped and fully support her. Now, if you do that, and it turns out she's a devious liar needlessly manufacturing elaborate schemes to appear to have been raped, maybe her conscience will get to her and she'll fade on out of your life or confess.

 

But when someone says they're raped and they have bruises, the police call that evidence.

But with the above said, just No to the above bolded. Absolutely No Way. Good grief. She already cheated on OP first--by meeting up with another guy. That is a very important fact that many seem to be overlooking here. It is just not on OP to be emotionally supporting her for this (except as a witness to law enforcement).

 

Lest this advice sound mean, there is no way that OP can be there for her as he deals with his own (quite justified!) anger and pain. She should be getting emotional support from somewhere else.

 

And meanwhile OP move on from this woman. There are women out there who would be much better for you than this past one.

Edited September 1, 2018 by Imajerk17

[BillPaxton2424]

I reread your post about your girlfriend being raped by a guy who gave her a ride and having bruises and being traumatized. If she had bruises, she was raped. Why are you questioning it? No one goes and gets bruises just to cheat on you. She told you what happened. Now you're stigmatizing her for being raped, because she took a ride home with this guy who those she was with seemed to know.

 

My advice to you is you get behind that fact that she was raped and fully support her. Now, if you do that, and it turns out she's a devious liar needlessly manufacturing elaborate schemes to appear to have been raped, maybe her conscience will get to her and she'll fade on out of your life or confess.

 

But when someone says they're raped and they have bruises, the police call that evidence.

 

When someone invites me to their country and then goes out with other men I won't be supportive of anything.

 

I also won't support someone who lies to my face multiple times when I confront them with evidence that something had happened. 3 times I confronted her with her emergency contraceptive and 3 times I got different answers. Frankly I find it disgusting that she would beg for me to stay with her after this. Beg me to not leave...

 

I'm sorry but I already dumped her and left the country. Been NC for a month. I already gave her 2 chances before this in regards to cheating/cheating behavior.

[BillPaxton2424]

Oh and also the last time I confronted her she said.. And I quote..

 

"You're not gonna believe me, but I was raped.. But I must have wanted it."

 

?? what does this even mean

[basil67]

Oh and also the last time I confronted her she said.. And I quote..

 

"You're not gonna believe me, but I was raped.. But I must have wanted it."

 

?? what does this even mean

 

Confrontation is an aggressive, angry stance. When you confront someone, they will push back in equal anger - exactly as she's done. As for the words, she is stating that she was raped but you don't believe her. "But I must have wanted it" is a dig at you for blaming it on her and at victim blaming in general. It's actually very clear in meaning.

Edited September 1, 2018 by basil67
clarity

[BillPaxton2424]

Confrontation is an aggressive, angry stance. When you confront someone, they will push back in equal anger - exactly as she's done. As for the words, she is stating that she was raped but you don't believe her. "But I must have wanted it" is a dig at you for blaming it on her and at victim blaming in general. It's actually very clear in meaning.

 

No saying "I must have wanted it" is saying that it wasn't rape. The first 2 times I asked her about it I wasn't confrontational. Only the last time after I had been lied to for a month was I aggressive. Only then did she tell me she was raped. Before that she was going out without me drinking with dudes and stumbling in at 2 AM/texting dudes nonstop while ignoring me/and talking to a mutual friend, instead of me, about our relationship.

[basil67]

No saying "I must have wanted it" is saying that it wasn't rape. The first 2 times I asked her about it I wasn't confrontational. Only the last time after I had been lied to for a month was I aggressive. Only then did she tell me she was raped. Before that she was going out without me drinking with dudes and stumbling in at 2 AM/texting dudes nonstop while ignoring me/and talking to a mutual friend, instead of me, about our relationship.

 

"She wanted it" is phrase used by men who are defending themselves after raping a woman. She's having a dig at general victim blaming and your blaming by using sarcasm.

[preraph]

Basil is right. If it's over, then leave her at peace. But congratulations, you've done the predictable thing and blamed the victim.

[BillPaxton2424]

I left her for going out with other men, not what happened that particular night. She felt comfortable getting drunk with other dudes while leaving me at home, so she can handle herself without me. Not my problem.

[William]

Since there was no dating going on, no cheating, no flirting or suspicions thereof, rather an analysis of a past breakup, moved the thread to our Breaks and Breaking Up forum and I'll remind members to focus on this question:

 

Do some cheaters use the rape card when they have no other alternative? Is this common?

 

Personal experiences and opinion are encouraged. Thanks!

[ExpatInItaly]

I left her for going out with other men, not what happened that particular night. She felt comfortable getting drunk with other dudes while leaving me at home, so she can handle herself without me. Not my problem.

 

Then, why keep digging away at this?

 

The relationship is over. Just leave it.

[guest569]

Why don't you believe that she was raped? I really don't think that it is common for people to 'play the rape card'. But it does sound like you were hanging in there after past cheating and whatever this was rape/cheating, it was the last straw. Which in my opinion, is pretty low. If your partner is raped, you dump them?

[basil67]

Why don't you believe that she was raped? I really don't think that it is common for people to 'play the rape card'. But it does sound like you were hanging in there after past cheating and whatever this was rape/cheating, it was the last straw. Which in my opinion, is pretty low. If your partner is raped, you dump them?

 

I also agree that it's uncommon to use rape as a cover. If she was cheating, she could have just straight up denied it all.