I'm struggling to move on after he blocked me on messenger and feel repulsive.

[annalilian26]

I (27F) have previously written about a guy (28M) I was involved with for a month earlier in the year.It was a very short lived, intense thing that ended badly between us. We we're seeing each other for a month and things turned really sour when he became very irritable with me and would get into moods where he would become quite insensitive and condescending. This obviously triggered me and he went on to say that he is a 'jerk' and is going to get '100 percent jerkier' and if I want to continue dating him, I have to be ok with this. He expressed that he needs to be with a girl who will put him back in his place when he acts like this and not be so sensitive and that he is likely to get meaner when he drinks. Deep down I know this is not the type of relationship that I want to be in, so we both agreed to end it there.

 

It was a terrible decision, but we agreed to stay friends with one another and communicated via Facebook messenger. We'd get into this routine where we'd chat like we used to before we got romantically involved, then one of us would confess to each other that we still had feelings for each other, we'd both agree that we found talking was making it difficult and to give each other some space until we were ok to talk again. After that agreement my clingy borderline behaviour would set in and I would get this overwhelming need to talk to him. The need to speak to him was very intense and I'd break the agreement and cave in. I would then realise that I needed more time, I'd apologise and I'd back off. This cycle went on for about a month and each of these discussions were spaced around a week to two weeks apart. During every one of these discussions he never raised having an issue with my behaviour and continued to speak me to me like usual and quite willingly engaged with me. He even told me that I can break the contact rule at any time if I was in a bad place and needed someone to talk to because he still 'really cares' for me.

 

After the last agreement for no contact, I caved in and got in touch to tell him that I really wish we were able to make it work and that I was struggling to move on. He responded saying that he feels exactly the same and that something deep down makes him want to say, 'stuff it lets just be together', but he knows because of his drinking, it would be catastrophic for both of us. Two days passed with no discussion between us and I continued the conversation. He said that he was just drunk when he wrote that stuff to me, he doesn't even remember saying these things about his feelings for me, as they are no longer there for him anymore. I tried to engage further and he ignored my messages, which set me off to ask him if he was ignoring me.

 

After two days, I wrote in to apologise for bombarding him with those messages and he told me that he is done talking with me now and doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore because I keep getting in touch, I keep asking the same questions and it keeps going around in circles and he just wants to have some peace. He said that he has told me time and time again not to communicate with him (however he never once did express this), he has tried to be polite and has tried to respond to my messages but now he wants to cut off all contact for good. I apologised profusely to him as I felt terrible for misreading the situation and overstepping his boundaries. I felt so ashamed by this and begged him not to end it on such sour terms and he told me that it's the only way and he can't help how I feel. I asked him if this is really what he wants and he said 'there is another question, I told you to stop communicating with me, yet you still keep going'. I then expressed that I will respect his decision to stop interacting and apologised for all of this. He read my last message, ignored it and then deleted me off all social media.

​

Anyway... Two months after he messaged me telling me he was truly sorry for everything and that even though it is no excuse, he was in a bad place and that he was a 'pig'. I was doing really well at the time and told him that I appreciated his apology and that i was wishing him all the best. I ENDED IT ON SUCH A GOOD NOTE AND HAD ALL THE CLOSURE I NEEDED, IT WAS GREAT!!!! Anyway, things went bad when I was trialing a new medication. I know that he struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts and I was worried about him. I had this compulsion to write to him and tell him that if he is in a dark place again, he can reach out to me and I will be there for him because I still care. He wrote back saying 'likewise' and asked me how I am. I told him I am fine, in return he told me he was good as he got a new job at his favourite liquor store. From there I told him that I don't think we should start talking again incase things get nasty again, but I want him to know that I am there if he needs someone.

 

The day after I felt these overwhelming feelings for him return and I wrote back to him again telling him I still have feelings for him and it has been eating me up, after everything that happened and its bad. Afterwards, I had intense regret for writing this message and he responded saying "sorry....It was my fault for messaging. Don't feel bad x". I then told him that I know it will pass, but the contact just brought it on and that I am keen to just put it behind me. He then said 'yeah....best to not talk or we'll just go around in circles. Sorry I shouldn't have messaged...I messed up. I think we should just block all contact from here'. I apologised for being such a nuisance and he said 'No I was the nuisance, It all got ugly and it was my fault for being so selfish. Take care and I hope we cross paths one day and everything's ok. x'

 

From there he actually blocked me on messenger and I didn't get a chance to respond to him to say my final words. I was so ashamed that he actually blocked me and I felt so awful and embarrassed that he viewed me in such a way that he thought blocking me was the only way that he could get rid of me. I felt like I was a stalker or that I had been harassing him.

 

I am currently feeling so ashamed and ridiculous for behaving this way and am so embarrassed about my behaviour. Whats worse is that I still have such strong feelings for him and am really struggling to move on and see his behaviour towards me as the start as destructive.

 

Does anyone have any objective insight to share that could help me reduce this shame and anger I have towards myself so I can finally move on from him?

[kendahke]

he went on to say that he is a 'jerk' and is going to get '100 percent jerkier' and if I want to continue dating him, I have to be ok with this. He expressed that he needs to be with a girl who will put him back in his place when he acts like this and not be so sensitive and that he is likely to get meaner when he drinks.

 

I think things ended relatively well, considering how he says he can be.

 

Don't make him unzip this lizard on you for you to understand what he is saying.. not only that, but what you said in the next sentence:

Deep down I know this is not the type of relationship that I want to be in,

 

As far as this:

Does anyone have any objective insight to share that could help me reduce this shame and anger I have towards myself so I can finally move on from him?

 

Forgive yourself and make it your policy to never entertain accepting less-than-well treatment in any more relationships going forward. Even if it means you go talk to a therapist to get you off of that self-destructive mindset and into a healthier one--do it.

Edited August 29, 2018 by kendahke

[Zahara]

I think blocking was a blessing, both for you and him. I think someone had to bite the bullet and end the dysfunctional cycle. He did you a favor because this would have dragged you further into a dark rabbit hole.

 

I don't think he hates you or sees you in a negative light but realizes that the cycle has to end. He also realizes that he isn't capable of dealing with your emotions and feels that it would be best to let you go as he knows he cannot give you what you want.

 

Don't be ashamed for doing what you did. We're all done it at some point in our lives and you need to turn this around and embrace this as a valuable learning lesson.

 

1. When a man is showing you red flags soon into dating, walk away. Don't engage. One month into it, you should have shut that door and moved on.

 

2. When a man is disrespecting you, walk away. Don't try to foster a friendship with someone that treats you poorly. Don't idealize or romanticize a louse. You end up holding on to someone far longer than you should.

 

3. When you are facing a break-up -- do not accept or offer friendship. You cannot be friends with someone you're emotionally attached to and usually, "friends" is often used as an excuse because people are afraid to completely let go. The thought of never having this person in their lives again is too daunting. Accept the break-up, and do the right thing by severing contact and taking care of yourself.

[stillafool]

It is best he blocked you so this thing will come to an end. You haven't respected his boundaries by continuing to get in touch with him. He has to now block you so he can move on. Let him go.

[preraph]

When a guy warns you they are bad, you have to realize that it's true. He knows no one would stay with him who had any common sense. He knows this. He has problems and you have problems. Neither of you need to be in a relationship until you both get your problems under control, especially him. He knows what he needs to do first: quit drinking. He knows he becomes even more abusive drunk. He needs to quit drinking and he needs to be seeing a psychologist, and you need to keep working on yourself. If it's too hard staying in touch, then don't.

[dranoel]

I think you’ve answered your own question in the messages you’ve written to each other - you’re going around in circles talking to one another and it’s not doing any good. He finally took control and did the best move he could make to help you both hold true to your goal. I think you should try to see it positively that someone’s finally taken the reigns to help you both move on.

 

In terms of the shame of being blocked... everyone’s been there. Everyone’s been cut from somebody’s life whether on social media or no. I’ve been there after spewing my guts to a guy I liked and I felt like crap but it passed after awhile. My friend just did it to a guy she knew was unhealthy for her. There’s a reason they have blocking features on every facet of technology - people often need to take drastic measure to separate themselves from people for any number of reasons. Rejection and blocking is a natural part of human life and relationships, but in this day and age there’s just a tangible measurable way to do it and experience it through social media which can sting more... but everyone will experience multiple forms of being “blocked” in their life. It’s part of being a human.

[Redhead14]

he went on to say that he is a 'jerk' and is going to get '100 percent jerkier' -- You have to learn to believe a guy when he tells you who he is.

 

Yes, your behavior was, let's say, over the top. However, I doubt very much he is beating himself up over being a jerk . . . Frankly, to me, it seems he simply reaped what he sowed. If the guy was actually a good guy who hadn't declared that he was a jerk but things didn't work out, then I'd say you should be upset with yourself.

 

The guy was toxic and brought out the worst in you. Shake it off, put on your big girl pants and learn a lesson from this. It's not the mistakes we make that define us. It's whether or not we learn from those mistakes and become smarter, better people so that the other jerks out there are somebody else's jerks .

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, forgive me if I venture a little off-topic here, but you mentioned something about your clingy borderline behaviour. Was this just a causal use of the word borderline, or do you suffer from BPD?

 

I ask because my ex-boyfriend is (diagnosed) BPD, and some of the behaviour you describe (on your end) is quite similar to his. I may be able to lend some insight as someone who was often on the other side of the equation.

[annalilian26]

Hello, yes I do have BPD, however I am on the lower end of the continuum when it comes to symptoms/behaviours and I am currently undergoing intensive DBT therapy to help with issues like this. I feel my behaviour might be due to having more of an insecure attachment style and being attracted to people with avoidant attachment styles.

 

When I have dated people with a more secure attachment style, I behave in a much more secure way when it comes to break ups/moving on.

[annalilian26]

Hello, yes I do have BPD, however I am on the lower end of the continuum when it comes to symptoms/behaviours (and currently undergoing intensive DBT therapy to help with issues like this before anyone makes suggestions for treatment). I feel my behaviour might be due to having more of an insecure attachment style and being attracted to people with avoidant attachment styles. When I have dated people with a more secure attachment style, I behave in a much more secure way when it comes to break ups/moving on, so I feel it has much more to do with this and non-borderline friends of mine with insecure attachment styles can also relate as far as these behaviours go.

[annalilian26]

OP, forgive me if I venture a little off-topic here, but you mentioned something about your clingy borderline behaviour. Was this just a causal use of the word borderline, or do you suffer from BPD?

 

I ask because my ex-boyfriend is (diagnosed) BPD, and some of the behaviour you describe (on your end) is quite similar to his. I may be able to lend some insight as someone who was often on the other side of the equation.

 

Also, people with bpd have a wide range of varying symptoms/behaviours, so it isn't really fair/accurate to generalise. This is not me having a go as I know you are trying to help and do appreciate it, I just view BPD as a set of varying traits rather than a singular category of behaviour (often stigmatised by many who don't have the disorder or work in the mental health field)

Edited August 30, 2018 by annalilian26

[Scarlett.O'hara]

For what it's worth, I don't think he blocked you because he thinks badly of you. It sounds like he did it to prevent himself from communicating with you.

 

Some situations can become toxic and the only way to break out of it block further contact. It doesn't stop it from hurting, but it does at least provide a full stop that it is time to let go.

[annalilian26]

OP, forgive me if I venture a little off-topic here, but you mentioned something about your clingy borderline behaviour. Was this just a causal use of the word borderline, or do you suffer from BPD?

 

I ask because my ex-boyfriend is (diagnosed) BPD, and some of the behaviour you describe (on your end) is quite similar to his. I may be able to lend some insight as someone who was often on the other side of the equation.

 

Thats really interesting that you say that. My close friends who viewed our believe he blocked me to help him move on from the feelings he has for me and stop him from being tempted to going back, however I am unsure if they are just saying that to make me feel better. Of course, this perspective gives me a nicer sense of closure than the one where I was blocked for crossing his personal boundaries/harassing him.

[annalilian26]

For what it's worth, I don't think he blocked you because he thinks badly of you. It sounds like he did it to prevent himself from communicating with you.

 

Some situations can become toxic and the only way to break out of it block further contact. It doesn't stop it from hurting, but it does at least provide a full stop that it is time to let go.

 

Thats really interesting that you say that. My close friends who viewed our believe he blocked me to help him move on from the feelings he has for me and stop him from being tempted to going back, however I am unsure if they are just saying that to make me feel better. Of course, this perspective gives me a nicer sense of closure than the one where I was blocked for crossing his personal boundaries/harassing him.

[ExpatInItaly]

Also, people with bpd have a wide range of varying symptoms/behaviours, so it isn't really fair/accurate to generalise. This is not me having a go as I know you are trying to help and do appreciate it, I just view BPD as a set of varying traits rather than a singular category of behaviour (often stigmatised by many who don't have the disorder or work in the mental health field) :)

 

Where did I generalize? I simply asked you a question.

 

I am very familiar with the disorder, and you are making assumptions about my position on it. I thought it could be enlightening to hear what someone in his position might be thinking, and I was actually about to share the reasons why you don't need to feel repulsive.

 

However, I will refrain from giving any further input. You don't appear to be open to hearing it, unfortunately.

Edited August 30, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[annalilian26]

Where did I generalize? I simply asked you a question.

 

I am very familiar with the disorder, and you are making assumptions about my position on it. I thought it could be enlightening to hear what someone in his position might be thinking, and I was actually about to share the reasons why you don't need to feel repulsive.

 

However, I will refrain from giving any further input. You don't appear to be open to hearing it, unfortunately.

 

Apologies, I didn't mean to come off as so defensive and I shouldn't have jumped to any assumptions. Please feel free to share if you still wish.

[guest569]

It can sometimes be the hardest step to sever the cord. Especially when you keep giving in and reaching out again and again, the more you do that, the harder it is, I feel. It's like you are feeding the addiction and becoming more and more addicted. Now that he has blocked you, this is the start of your healing. Can you block him back? I'm not sure how it works, sorry. But if so, you can block him and delete his contact details - or hide them away somewhere harder to access. In case he unblocks you. I mean, you know the outcome. Even if he unblocked you, you would both confess your feelings, then deny them, then try no contact, fail, contact each other. It must get so dizzy going in circles like that.

[todreaminblue]

you know that song everybody plays the fool....its a real groovin' song by the way...:0)....its a smoothie....and i find it soothing when i get foot in mouth disease...which is often.....and when i get foot in mouth its like my whole leg goes in too....foot leg and armpit in mouth disease.....i listen to music to deal with my issues....it soothes my broken heart or shamed spirit as does the beach ....

 

 

its true you know...everybody plays the fool some times........everyone feels shame and embarrassment for saying something or acting a certain way....its like why did i do that or say that and the thing is...its done...cant change it and there's no use beating yourself up over it....you have to move on and its ok ...everything will be ok....distract the negative voices you hear.....with soothing music, a walk on the beach ...a good book..A chocolate as big as your head....a soppy romance movie..a good horror at the drive in..whatever floats that boaT OF YOURS..do that and silence the pestilent and shaming voices....

 

spend some feel good times with friends and family....create something beautiful...visit the botanical gardens in your city and sketch flowers.....talk to three people along your journey.....even if its a smile and a hello ........it will help you too stop over thinking whats done and dusted

 

i feel the best thing actually has happened for the both of you...you needed it too happen ...they say god closes doors....let the door stay closed...and open a window elsewhere.....you never know what the view might be for you.....dont go internal....look up and out...its all for the best....see the positive in letting go of what isnt right for you.......deb

[preraph]

Annalilian, you have a good understanding that traits fall different places on a scale from low to high. So I'm sure you also know that any trait on the extreme high end causes problems. I am not sure what was wrong with this guy who aspires to be an ever-worsening jerk, but maybe narcissism? Maybe lack of empathy? So I think it's important to just realize he's on the high end of one of those things and that no matter what YOU do in response, he's still going to be a person with behavioral problems -- and he has no desire to work on it, so this is when you just cut them off and walk away.