Exclusively dating, but not officially in a relationship...and it's giving me doubts

[JulieDtd]

I’m currently dating someone exclusively, but not in an official relationship. I’m kind of confused about everything, and need some advice. Here’s the backstory:

I was married, and the marriage ended at the start of this year. Found out about lies and women, etc. Recently (about 4 months), I started dating someone. He had been separated from his wife for almost a year (she left him for another man).

Anyway, things are mostly really good. He’s sweet, respectful, smart, and good to everyone. Also made me realise how different things are when someone takes the effort. For example, with my ex-husband, we made a pact to learn Spanish on Duolingo together. As the years went by, he never did bother, no matter how many times I asked him about it. Okay, fine. Nagged. He just wouldn’t bother even though he kept promising he would, so we could practice together. With this new guy, he merely saw that I was learning Spanish on Duolingo, and without my saying a word, the next time we met, he surprised me with various Spanish phrases. He’d started learning Spanish since he realized I was. And he’s still doing it. He does many small things like that, which I really appreciate.

 

At the same time though, he initially wanted to stay married for another 3 to 4 years, in order to keep the house (some complicated government subsidized housing system). I made it clear that I would not date a man who’s going to be married for the next couple years, and he said he’d proceed with the divorce by August this year. August is almost over now, and there’s no news of the divorce proceedings. I’m worried that he’s just hoping to wait things out, and kinda string me along? Afterall, he’d been with his wife for 10 years before they separated, so I get this feeling that I may be someone just there to fill the emptiness. Perhaps he’s hoping for a reconciliation? He assures me that is not the case, but then again, who’d admit to that?

 

About other things, well, I’m not sure what to think. I’d previously said that, for now, I love how free and chilled our thing was, without labels. We agreed to be exclusive, but without labels, I feel like there’s a lot less pressure. I’m really against being pressured to change in anyway, after my ex-husband had tried to change my life goals (e.g. insisted on having children, when we had agreed to not having children before marriage). So this no labels thing works for me. Or it did. I guess it worked when I felt sure of us being dating exclusively, and taking it slow, before moving onto anything more serious. However, there’s been some doubt in my mind lately. This is getting really long, so I’m going to go into point form.

- We had gone on a short trip overseas, and were just back and on a taxi when his mum called. He told her repeatedly that he was alone, even though i was right there, that he had gone overseas with friends etc.

- On the other hand, he gave me a tiny gift, saying it was from his mum to me

- When he asks what my day’s like, where I’m going, I’d tell him. When I ask, he kind of skips the topic sometimes, and wouldn’t say where he was going, but would change the topic. I don’t ask, cos I feel I don’t have the right to

- He often go, "Remember you told me about..." then realize it wasn't me.

- When we were asked by someone we met if we were together, he was eager to jump in and say "oh no, we're not. We're dating"

- He almost always asks me out only on the day itself. I told him I don’t like last minute plans, as I have a really full plate and would appreciate being able to plan things in order to squeeze more into the week. He’s tried asking me out in advance only a few times since, otherwise, it’s still last min. It makes me feel like I’m a backup plan, even though he claims it’s just how he is. I do see him planning in advance for his friends though.

- He says he has no big plans for us. And added on, “well not yet, anyway”

On the other hand:

- 2 months into dating, he said “I think I’m falling in love” and I changed the topic, cos I wasn’t ready

- I don’t really express my feelings much, I’m pretty closed off nowadays. So even when he says really sweet things, I sometimes don’t reciprocate, not as enthusiastically. (I did spend 3 weeks working on a gift that I felt really reflected things we’d talked about, him as a person, what he likes etc., with a lot of handmade elements. So that made me feel really vulnerable, like I tried too hard?)

- I had said that it’s nice not to have labels for now.

- We meet up to 3 to 4 times a week, which he initiates. He has also said he would want to meet me every day if he could

 

So I don’t know if he is serious about me and if I should start to pull away, I’m really terrified of being hurt again. I guess, specifically, I would like different perspectives from others about whether he is serious about me, and he’s not fully committed due to my own actions, or if he’s not that into me.

Edited August 29, 2018 by JulieDtd

[Logo]

You both have baggage from previous relationships so you're both tiptoeing along, walking on egg shells.

 

Either both of you need more time to recover from the past, and this was premature, or you need to have a heart-to-heart conversation.

 

Personally, I have learned to take words with a grain of salt and focus on the person's actions. Look for patterns; if you don't like what you see and you're having second thoughts then tell him how you feel. See if his explanations make any sense.

 

If you don't trust him, then what's the point of staying in the relationship?

 

It's possible that he doesn't want to tell his mother because he doesn't want to have to explain in detail what is going on in his life.

 

It's also possible that his mother is in contact with someone who knows the soon-to-be ex and he wants to keep her out of the loop.

 

I don't like the fact that things are always last minute with him. Does he have children from the marriage? How's his work schedule?

 

When you do see each other 3 or 4 times a week, who usually initiates that?

 

And, if you don't mind my asking, do you have sex every time you see each other?

 

One thing did stand out in your description of the situation; you mentioned that early on he said: "“I think I’m falling in love".

 

How would you feel if you said that to him and he didn't reciprocate?

 

Maybe he's also feeling vulnerable and doesn't want to get hurt again, so he's treading carefully.

 

At the same time, "I think I'm falling in love" is a world apart from "I love you."

 

If he was planning on staying legally married to keep the house, then he's most likely going to stick to his plan.

 

Generally speaking, is he stressed out from the divorce or the split? Does he seem to be overwhelmed? I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Stress usually affects a person's memory.

 

Do you suspect that he's seeing someone else at the same time?

 

 

Has he kept up learning Spanish or was that just early on in the relationship?

 

To be honest with you, I'm surprised at the lack of communication between the two of you. When he says, for example, that you're just dating, and that bothers you, why don't you discuss it afterward?

 

"I don’t really express my feelings much, I’m pretty closed off nowadays." That's not good. You're giving him the feeling that you're emotionally unavailable and distant. It's not a good feeling to have. It makes one feel as though the other person is just not interested in the relationship or is not serious about it. And besides, why not express yourself, calmly, when something bothers you?

 

 

You both need to be emotionally vulnerable to get closer to each other. There are no guarantees in life. These days I understand that heartbreak is part and parcel of relationships and that having a relationship means taking a risk. But, it doesn't mean ignoring red flags. You have to be comfortable in a relationship and feel safe. Hope for the best and plan for the worst.

Edited August 29, 2018 by Logo

[JulieDtd]

You both have baggage from previous relationships so you're both tiptoeing along, walking on egg shells.

 

This is definitely very true.

 

I don't like the fact that things are always last minute with him. Does he have children from the marriage? How's his work schedule?

 

He has no kids, works at normal office hours.

 

When you do see each other 3 or 4 times a week, who usually initiates that?

He does.

And, if you don't mind my asking, do you have sex every time you see each other?

Not every time. Perhaps half the time or less?

 

One thing did stand out in your description of the situation; you mentioned that early on he said: "“I think I’m falling in love".

 

How would you feel if you said that to him and he didn't reciprocate?

 

Maybe he's also feeling vulnerable and doesn't want to get hurt again, so he's treading carefully.

Very hurt, probably. And yes, I figured that would factor into how he’s being right now.

 

 

If he was planning on staying legally married to keep the house, then he's most likely going to stick to his plan.

He said he’d rather lose the house than lose me, even though I told him to take a break and think about it, don’t rush into it, because there’s no point deciding based on me, as relationships are not guaranteed. I made it clear that it’s his choice, and he should not do it out of pressure. He stuck to his decision, it seemed, but nothing's happening still.

 

Generally speaking, is he stressed out from the divorce or the split? Does he seem to be overwhelmed? I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Stress usually affects a person's memory.

He seems okay, occasionally bitter about it, but he has been avoiding the whole thing altogether, and only started thinking about doing something about the proceedings recently.

 

Do you suspect that he's seeing someone else at the same time?

I have no idea. I would say no, but I’ve also been very obtuse in the past even when things were happening, so I don’t trust my judgement.

 

 

Has he kept up learning Spanish or was that just early on in the relationship? It was just a few weeks back, so far, yes, he’s still learning.

 

To be honest with you, I'm surprised at the lack of communication between the two of you. When he says, for example, that you're just dating, and that bothers you, why don't you discuss it afterward?

I guess I’m afraid of coming off as clingy and needy. Also, in my experience, whenever I was more forthcoming and invested, the other party would pull away.

 

"I don’t really express my feelings much, I’m pretty closed off nowadays." That's not good. You're giving him the feeling that you're emotionally unavailable and distant. It's not a good feeling to have. It makes one feel as though the other person is just not interested in the relationship or is not serious about it. And besides, why not express yourself, calmly, when something bothers you?"

 

This is definitely due to my baggage. In the past, whenever I brought up things I was unhappy about, I would be told that I’m difficult and hard to please. My ex-husband said a lot of the problems was with me being difficult and stressing him out. I guess this is making me very afraid to voice any unhappiness I may be experiencing.

 

Thanks for your detailed reply, btw!

[PegNosePete]

I made it clear that I would not date a man who’s going to be married for the next couple years, and he said he’d proceed with the divorce by August this year.

Great -- then your response should have been "cool, call me when the ink is dry".

 

Never, ever date a married person! Especially one who has some strange excuses for screwing the government (ie. you and me via our taxes) out of money. Through this and many other things you mention, he's demonstrated that honesty is certainly NOT his strong point.