Dragon Posted September 6, 2005 Posted September 6, 2005 Ok, this whole "letting my feelings out" thing is very new for me, but I feel like if I don't get some help I am going to go completely nuts. I've been seeing my MM for just over 1 year. We met at work, and seemed to have an instant connection and attraction to each other. We were both married when we met, both of us unhappy in our relationship with our partners. I had been considering divorce for over a year, and he says he has been unhappy for 10+ years, only staying because of his children. We had so much in common and I felt like for the first time that I could say anything and be completely honest about everything and not feel like I was being judged. My divorce was final 2 months ago. It was what I needed to do to make myself happy, and then what do I do? I get myself into a worse situation that I can't seem to break free from. I decided that I've come to the point that I need to break all ties with this man, even if it means losing my best friend. For the last week I've been so depressed about everything. I see happy couples in the store with their children and just want to break down crying. I can't be around him without getting emotional about how things are never going to be the way that I want them to be between us. I just turned 29 and so desperately want a family. I have so may doubts about every decision that I make. I told him last night that I couldn't do this any more, that I needed to be away fro him and the situation to clear my head. He of course says that he cannot lose me and will do what ever it is that he has to do to keep me. He keeps calling me crying. I feel like he's more upset about having to actually make a decision than really facing the fact of loosing me. This is all so hard. I know that he loves his children dearly and doesn't want to hurt them, but this is all killing me in the process. I honestly don't think he will ever leave, and I'm so tired of trying to convince myself otherwise. I never knew this website existed, but it really has helped me knowing that there are people out there going through the same stuff that I am going through. I need to know that I am making the right decision. Is there anyone out there who has made the decision to leave and actually stuck to it? If so PLEASE tell me that there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I need to start my life all over. I have have even considered selling my house and moving out of state to give myself a fresh start. I have lost touch with so many of my friends and don't feel close to my family anymore because of all the secretiveness. Please help.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 6, 2005 Posted September 6, 2005 He of course says that he cannot lose me and will do what ever it is that he has to do to keep me. Everything, except of course - divorcing his wife and being with you. He's riding the fence because you have let him by simply agreeing to be his OW. Time to knock down the fence from under him. If you walk away - and cut him out of your life, and he really and truly wants you in his life - he will come after you and work to get back into your life. If you walk away and he still has ties at home that he cannot and will not sever, then he will mourn your loss but he will stay married. He can't and won't make that decision though, as long as you enable him to not have to by continuing to condone his actions by agreeing to be his OW on the side. I have have even considered selling my house and moving out of state to give myself a fresh start. I think you are making the right decision to walk away. This man may be your 'best friend', but one day you will find a 'best friend' who won't leave you depressed, crying and lost in life - and you'll realize you made the right decision for yourself regardless of what MM does or does not do. You have a greater chance at happiness by not settling for half a life, while MM has all of his life and half of yours.
StillWaiting2 Posted September 6, 2005 Posted September 6, 2005 Hi Dragon I am in the same position as u r. I have been with my MM for 2 years 8 months. For the passed year he said he will leave, but he doesn't want to hurt his kids. I've tried to end things a few times, but just keep going back. I can't handle not having him in my life. He says he is still leaving, but we will see. I'm sure as time goes on, i'll aventually get sick of it, but i am in a spot too. I can't live with him & i can't live without him. Its sooooooooooo hard. Dawn
brubaker2004 Posted September 6, 2005 Posted September 6, 2005 he says he will do whatever it takes to not lose you, but the one thing it takes is something he will not do. i just had the talk AGAIN with my MM last night and this time i am sticking with it. i am actually going to start seeing a therapist to help me deal with my anger and guilt issues that are a result of this twisted relationship. dragon, relationships should (most of the time) make you very happy. this doesn't. it is a world of hurt and mistrust for you and you have the right to be with someone who wants the same things you want and will actually give them to you.
Author Dragon Posted September 7, 2005 Author Posted September 7, 2005 Maybe it's the stubborness in me, but I know that I can live without him, and I know that my life will go on, but I don't want anybody else right now. I want him, but in a different situation, and if he won't change it, then I will move on. I love this man more than I've ever loved anybody (including my EH of 6 years), but I am determined to find someone who can make me completly happy in every aspect. This is te hardest decision that I've ever had to make--I've never had to breakup with someone that I love. I've made my decision and I'm not going back on it, but this is sooooo very hard.
brubaker2004 Posted September 7, 2005 Posted September 7, 2005 Dragon let's do this together. i am having the exact same feelings that you are. I love him so very much but at the same time i resent him so very much for not wanting to be fully in my life and me fully in his. i won't lie. if he gets divorced and wants to try to work on things with me i will. but not until then. not even if he just leaves her. the divorce has to be a done deal. i believe that you love him and he loves you, too. but we have to love ourselves enough to demand the respect and depth of a real, honest life with someone!!
Author Dragon Posted September 7, 2005 Author Posted September 7, 2005 We do all defiantly deserve to be as happy as the perfect couple next door. We've been through alot, but at the same time, it's not like we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into (At least I didn't). My MM and I have been very upfront with each other from the very beginning, so I obviously knew he was married, but still got involved. I really have no one to blame for the whole situation but myself. What was I thinking??? I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. If was meant to be, than he'll find a way to change it, right? Until then, how do I move on? Every guy will always be compared to my MM. Of course, if they're single, they'll already be one step ahead. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who gets themselves into these kind of messes.
brubaker2004 Posted September 7, 2005 Posted September 7, 2005 yeah, but is the couple next door really happy??? ha. i knew what i was getting into, too. but he said from the beginning he was leaving her, and had wanted to for a long time but was afraid because of their kids. i have a son, too, and i just don't get that. why expose your kids to a loveless marriage? anyway, i am not making excuses. i had an affair with a MM and i feel good now that i am strong enough to let him go. i am realizing now how really angry i am with him and with myself for letting it get this far, and for him lying to me (even if it wasn't intentional).
BTDT Posted September 8, 2005 Posted September 8, 2005 LucreziaBorgia is right on target. I waited around and listened to the excuses, but then got tired of it and found a new job and moved out of state. Told him he needed to patch things up with the W. (secretly hoping he wouldn't) In the meantime I was moving forward with my life. Within 2 months, he left and started divorce. That was over 6 years ago and we're still together and never been happier. Be strong.
Author Dragon Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 You have no idea how great it is to hear that things actually do work out for some people in the end. Thanks for the words of encouragement. He claims to have made an appointment with a therapist next week to try and help him deal with leaving without making his kids and himself miserable because they can't be together everyday. It's only been 3 days, and I miss him dearly--I miss everything about him. But, I've been miserably happy for the last year, and I am determined to get to the point of pure happiness, even it if means that it can't be with him.
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