Guy I’m Dating Stinks - I’m Insulted...

[dranoel]

I went to a guy’s house for a movie night and it was very obvious he hadn’t showered before my arrival. There was odour in various places that made that obvious. I couldn’t even do the standard head on chest snuggle cause it smelt too strong like armpit bio! I’ve known him less than a month so he shouldn’t be this “comfortable”. And I know he was just at home watching TV for 2 hours before I came, so he certainly had time to shower.

 

I felt kind of insulted by this - as if he didn’t care enough what I thought about him or I wasn’t worth the effort of standard basic hygiene. Before I came I made myself squeaky clean and nice smelling to be desirable to him. But the fact that he didn’t makes me think he just doesn’t care... I mean it’s expected to be clean for work, for family, for friends, hell even for public transit! But not for the girl you’re supposedly trying to seduce?

 

I ask, am I reading too far into this? Would a guy who doesn’t think to clean himself before seeing a woman really not value her opinion much? Or am I just being silly about some stinky dude...

[d0nnivain]

You aren't reading too much into it. If this was the 1st time you were there you might be getting a peek into his hygiene. If you don't' like it, walk now. It won't get better.

[MidwestUSA]

While there is a condition in which people have no sense of smell, therefore don't even know that they stink, it would only make sense to present yourself squeaky clean.

 

Maybe he goes to work stinky too.

 

If this was a first date, I'd simply move on. Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

[Zahara]

I mean it’s expected to be clean for work, for family, for friends, hell even for public transit! But not for the girl you’re supposedly trying to seduce?

 

Maybe he has bad hygiene habits and does not even shower for all of the above.

 

I ask, am I reading too far into this? Would a guy who doesn’t think to clean himself before seeing a woman really not value her opinion much? Or am I just being silly about some stinky dude...

 

I don't think you are reading into it. I don't even think it's about valuing your opinion but more so being set in his ways when it comes to hygiene. He likely doesn't see it as an issue or doesn't smell himself. I had a colleague once that had really bad body odor. When someone from the office talked to him about it, he was clueless and didn't realize he smelled.

 

Personally, I could never date someone with bad hygiene. It usually doesn't change.

[Purrrfect]

Huge turnoff. I wouldn’t bother contacting him again. It’s possibke he didn’t shower it possible he doesn’t wear deodorant. Who knows but I agree this will likely not get better.

[glows]

Maybe re-evaluate your dynamics or the vibe you gave off. It sounds like you're just a netflix/booty call and you're not being real with yourself. If he really did wine and dine you and treated you like a lady 10/10 times there is something medically amiss. It's up to you to figure it out. I'm more likely to suspect that you gave off the wrong vibe or are too easy/didn't read between the lines of this particular date (let alone all the other dates perhaps).

[smackie9]

Deal breaker. First impressions count, and poor hygiene is a failure. Been with my husband for over 28 years, and he knows to have a shower without me ever asking him. Kick this guy to the curb with the rest of the stinky garbage.

[dranoel]

Maybe re-evaluate your dynamics or the vibe you gave off. It sounds like you're just a netflix/booty call and you're not being real with yourself. If he really did wine and dine you and treated you like a lady 10/10 times there is something medically amiss. It's up to you to figure it out. I'm more likely to suspect that you gave off the wrong vibe or are too easy/didn't read between the lines of this particular date (let alone all the other dates perhaps).

 

Thank you for your thoughts, but I am not and never have been an "easy" girl. And as an over-thinker, I always stay aware of the vibes and "read between the lines" of a date (if I didn't I wouldn't ponder this date's issue in the first place). I could never enjoy a "netflix/booty call" type of relationship with a man as I strongly dislike sex with men I don't know well. I have not had sex with this man in the month since I've started seeing him and I have told him I do not want to have sex before knowing him better. (Note I did not say "the girl you're having sex with" but rather "the girl you're trying to seduce.")

 

I do think it more has something to do with the man - the more I get to know him, the more I notice other negative qualities (DUI, heavy smoker, heavy drinker, etc). Based on responses, I think this poor hygiene may just be part of this whole package... and may also be the last straw.

[kendahke]

I mean it’s expected to be clean for work, for family, for friends, hell even for public transit!

This morning, a guy sat next to me on the bus who smelled like he hasn't seen the inside of a shower in about 6 months. Yuck!!

[Art_Critic]

I'm not sure why you would be insulted.. his BO is his BO..

 

If he has better hygiene for you then he normally does then it isn't real, if you think he should have showered for you you are wrong, he should have showered for hismself anyhow but has poor hygiene instead.

 

Expecting him to shower for you is childish and you are not his parent,

 

Dump him, cuz it's only the tip of that iceberg....

[dranoel]

I'm not sure why you would be insulted.. his BO is his BO..

 

If he has better hygiene for you then he normally does then it isn't real, if you think he should have showered for you you are wrong, he should have showered for hismself anyhow but has poor hygiene instead.

 

Expecting him to shower for you is childish and you are not his parent,

 

Dump him, cuz it's only the tip of that iceberg....

 

I'm a bit confused by your comment Art_Critic. It seems to contradict itself from my interpretation - It is childish on my part to want someone to be clean and free of bad odour when they invite me over and try to get close to me... but I should dump him?

 

Regardless, I don't think it's too much to want someone to be clean... I think it's common courtesy if you're sharing a close space with another person. But even if you think it's childish to think being clean is an expectation and courtesy etcetc, I would still appreciate a man being clean and hygienic in my company. Showering is not a difficult process, I know from personal experience - I cleaned myself thoroughly to make a pleasant experience for him, and it was quite simple and effortless!

[kendahke]

I'm a bit confused by your comment Art_Critic. It seems to contradict itself from my interpretation - It is childish on my part to want someone to be clean and free of bad odour when they invite me over and try to get close to me... but I should dump him?

 

Regardless, I don't think it's too much to want someone to be clean... I think it's common courtesy if you're sharing a close space with another person. But even if you think it's childish to think being clean is an expectation and courtesy etcetc, I would still appreciate a man being clean and hygienic in my company. Showering is not a difficult process, I know from personal experience - I cleaned myself thoroughly to make a pleasant experience for him, and it was quite simple and effortless!

 

You are right. There is no excuse for a grown man to sit up with funk all on him and think someone else wants to smell that.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe it’s all that heavy drinking and heavy smoking seeping out of his pores. Or maybe it was punishment for playing hard to get.

 

Maybe a combination.

 

It’s like when we get our periods and so we don’t shave because we know sex isn’t happening but then fooling around does and we get a little embarrassed because we didn’t shave our legs.

 

Maybe he’s embarrassed.

 

Or it could be he’s very non-confrontational so smelled really bad on purpose so you’d break up with him and spared himself from being the bad guy.

[BaileyB]

You don't have to date this guy... If it doesn't improve, you may need to let him go...

[preraph]

Did you meet him online? If so, is there a way to anonymously at some later date let him know he has a hygiene problem?

[dranoel]

Or it could be he’s very non-confrontational so smelled really bad on purpose so you’d break up with him and spared himself from being the bad guy.

 

I’d be surprised if it was this - he’s initiated every one of our dates. Including last night. Thank you for the input though!

[basil67]

His lack of showering isn't about you. It's simply a reflection of what he thinks is acceptable.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Maybe re-evaluate your dynamics or the vibe you gave off. It sounds like you're just a netflix/booty call and you're not being real with yourself. If he really did wine and dine you and treated you like a lady 10/10 times there is something medically amiss. It's up to you to figure it out. I'm more likely to suspect that you gave off the wrong vibe or are too easy/didn't read between the lines of this particular date (let alone all the other dates perhaps).

 

Yep I second this! I never have to ask my bf to shower, he does it all on his own. Hygiene is a huge deal for me. I liked a guy, but he showed up after the gym to party and that grossed me out! I no longer wanted anything to do w/him after that.

[Art_Critic]

I'm a bit confused by your comment Art_Critic. It seems to contradict itself from my interpretation - It is childish on my part to want someone to be clean and free of bad odour when they invite me over and try to get close to me... but I should dump him?

 

Childish might not have been the right choice of words.. Maybe a bit codependent is the right word. You shouldn't expect him to shower for you, he should shower for himself and his own hygiene... you are not his parent.

 

You should dump him because he doesn't even shower for himself meaning there are more smells you haven't engaged yet that will make this the tip of the iceberg.

[Confoosedgal]

Honestly, I think your guy doesn't notice, or he thinks it's not that bad.

 

You haven't dated for that long so this is a period where he should be impressing you, not offending you with his stanky pits smell!

 

I live with 3 male cousins.

 

one works in construction and he ALWAAAAYYYS smells. He smells like onions and arm pits and BAD BO. His mom told me he didn't take showers out of laziness. So he works all day long in the hot sun and refuses showers!!

 

It is so bad that she told him he isn't allowed to family dinners in public restaurants or family parties unless he takes a 30 minute shower...

 

So, obviously my cousin KNOWS he smells. He just doesn't care.

 

The reason I told you that story is because I think your new guy thinks it's not that bad.

I think since you guys were in his home, His territory, he was very comfortable and didn't shower. He might be one of those guys who naturally have bad BO And they NEED to shower on a daily basis, and he isn't aware.

 

But yeah, If this happened only after a month of dating. You are going to have to move on or get use to it!

[Highndry]

He has poor hygiene. I would never, ever in a million years not shower before a date, or even before spending time with a long time girlfriend. I wouldn't even be around friends or any people in such a condition. I expect the same in a woman. Poor personal hygiene is not only a turn-off, it is a complete deal-breaker.

[anika99]

Just going to play devils advocate for a bit. Are you sure he didn't shower all day? Was it hot or humid out?

 

I'm asking because I once dated a guy who showered every single day, sometimes even twice a day, but whenever he got hot it was instant body odor. I remember one summer day we got up in the morning and showered together and within a hours he was starting to stink. He was just prone to having BO.

 

However I also don't think he always remembered to use deodorant and even though I knew he showered and put on clean clothes everyday it was still a turn off. I never knew how to bring it up in a way that wouldn't insult him and then we broke up anyways.

 

So maybe your date showered but didn't use deodorant. Or maybe he has poor hygiene. I would say that if you're going to keep seeing him and he continues to stink you will have to talk to him about it, but since he's also a heavy drinker and smoker maybe you should just cut him loose

[Logo]

Normally, during the early stages of courtship and even later into the relationship, each person misses the other's scent. I doubt you missed his scent on your drive home.

 

 

And he's a heavy drinker and smoker?

 

 

It's quite possible that from his perspective, the smell of the cigarette smoke masked all the other odors.

Edited August 29, 2018 by Logo

[Desesperado]

Yep I second this! I never have to ask my bf to shower' date=' he does it all on his own. Hygiene is a huge deal for me. I liked a guy, but he showed up after the gym to party and that grossed me out! I no longer wanted anything to do w/him after that.[/quote']

 

Same here, honestly this doesn't sound like he's really interested in anything else than hangout, watch tv and potentially having sex or at least cuddle, some men have really low expectations, whatever the vibe you give.

 

But again another great example of female miscommunication, I'm sorry OP but you were disgusted and you chose not to say anything and stay next to him for the whole movie ! Is it so difficult to gently tell him, I'm sorry but could you get a shower, I'm not really comfortable with the smell !?

I hardly know a reasonable guy that would get pissed off, as men we know we smell, just go in a dorm it's bad, so I think it's no problem to ask.

But no, you chose to stick with him and then come here complain, how can you expect a good relationship if you already can't communicate your needs, for something as trivial as smell, take control of your life damn it !?

[jay1983]

I say let him know. May get resolved easily without commotion