I feel so stupid with the decisions I've made.

[Despr8]

Completely have pushed everyone I know and just feel like I wanna be alone. Last year I was dumped by me ex of 6 years. I quickly got into a rebound which I know it was stupid but I had so much chemistry with this girl. Months down the line my feelings changed and my ex from before just bombarded my brain. All the hurt, betrayal and abandonment feelings surged though me. I was in a new relationship and couldn't talk to her about it so I suffered alone and pushed through. It affected me though and soon after the new girl left because I was emotionally unavailable. She was right so I couldn't be mad. I messed up not her. My ex leaving me really did a number on me and didn't realize it till months later. I miss my ex terribly and know it's truly over but the hurt is still there. I hate her for it because I've let go of great women in the past for her. I got obsessed with changing my life and opened a small business which had been going bad but I'm sticking to it. I became a gym rat to the point were I go almost daily. I transformed myself which took lots of work. Deep down the new girl, I told myself she's younger than me and she has to have fun and errors she needs to go through. I'm 40 she's 27 so we wanted different things. I miss the new girl but found out she was seeing someone new already. My ego and pride got bashed but deep down I knew she would keep her life moving. But today just made me realize how alone I am and mostly to myself. I just look for FWB women and don't wanna get in anything serious for now. I work and go to the gym and stopped reaching out to friends. That's my life currently and I'm bitter I closed myself off to a girl who was really good for me so I thought. The ghost of my ex has me haunted daily and I keep sign in my room telling me to move on just to train my brain. So I guess I'm emotionally damaged

[d0nnivain]

You are emotionally bruised, not irreversibly damaged.

 

If you are trying to build a business but would also like to meet new people start attending networking events like chamber of commerce meetings & business card exchanges. You will boost sales & possibly meet somebody. I met my husband at a business card exchange. Everyone at these things is eager to make new contacts & super helpful. They also love making introductions.

[frigginlost]

You're not damaged, bud. You're normal.

 

Pushing people aside and wanting to be alone is the natural reaction to grief. By burying your feelings and jumping into a rebound you never grieved the loss of the relationship.

 

Don't beat yourself up. You're completely normal.

Edited August 28, 2018 by frigginlost

[Despr8]

You're not damaged, bud. You're normal.

 

Pushing people aside and wanting to be alone is the natural reaction to grief. By burying your feelings and jumping into a rebound you never grieved the loss of the relationship.

 

It's been almost two years for me since my ex left and I have stayed away from dating completely. It's been the best decision I ever made. My mind is healthy, I feel indifferent toward my ex and I've just now started dating again. The greatest feeling in the world is to be able to go into any dating scene with the feeling of "who cares" regarding finding someone. I love being single, and when the right girl comes along, the connection will happen.

 

Don't beat yourself up. You're completely normal.

 

Thanks I appreciate it and maybe you're right. Just have this feeling of missed love because of my ex. The other girl worshipped me and just wanted me to be happy but I wasn't making her happy in return. Plus I dont have issues meeting women since I've changed my body. Been hooking up a lot but I know really quick when I don't like the girl long term. People say I deserve better. I believe in I want better so I'm gonna get what I want. The women weren't what I wanted but I'd still hook up with them. Male urges ya know lol.

 

But I regret not loving the new girl the way she deserved. I wish I could tell my ex how much she hurt me. I never got any closure from my ex. I was dumped because the universe told her our time was over. I changed my life and body and my ex didn't care and was still the same selfish person. All that No Contact rules and bettering yourself didn't work for me.

[frigginlost]

Thanks I appreciate it and maybe you're right. Just have this feeling of missed love because of my ex. The other girl worshipped me and just wanted me to be happy but I wasn't making her happy in return. Plus I dont have issues meeting women since I've changed my body. Been hooking up a lot but I know really quick when I don't like the girl long term. People say I deserve better. I believe in I want better so I'm gonna get what I want. The women weren't what I wanted but I'd still hook up with them. Male urges ya know lol.

 

But I regret not loving the new girl the way she deserved. I wish I could tell my ex how much she hurt me. I never got any closure from my ex. I was dumped because the universe told her our time was over. I changed my life and body and my ex didn't care and was still the same selfish person. All that No Contact rules and bettering yourself didn't work for me.

 

I hear ya, but you're not at a point for closure no matter what an ex would say. It's been said that closure comes from within, and I never believed it... Until I hit indifference. That is when closure hits. It's not dependent on anyone other than yourself. I got absolutely no closure from my ex, and she was wicked mean after the breakup. Used social media to show how excellent her life is, got her family to hate me, got mutual friends to hate me, and all I did was stay silent.

 

I'm a believer that lifting weights, and changing yourself is really good as a pathway to healing, but nothing takes the place of time. You have to feel the feelings and ride them out. Humans are incredibly resilient, but if you try to cheat the system by looking for a quick fix and burying your feelings, it doesn't work.

 

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and ride the waves. You're normal, and it does get better. A ton better.

 

After close to two years, I heard from that same ex after her new life collapsed as there was no emotional foundation established. She came knocking...

 

And I never answered the door.

 

I had found closure within myself before then.

[preraph]

I'm sorry you're going through that. You're being too hard on yourself. I do kind of think the new girl might want to know what happened. She won't like it, but it would be an explanation at least. You could tell her you had delayed grief from the breakup and are so sorry it happened, but it happened.

 

Again, you're being too hard on yourself. You are just trying to move on, and that's about all you can do. You are going about that in a good way, trying to make yourself not dwell on it all the time.

 

I have one little suggestion for you. This is because I don't want you to totally block out the grieving process but I want you to control it and not let it control you.

 

Before you go to sleep at night, take a minute or two and just consciously think about that situation. Ask yourself, What did I do wrong? What did she do wrong? Is there any way I can keep from making the same mistakes again? Is there anything I can do about it now to help the situation? What can I do now that would help me move forward? The answer to that could be anything from talking to her or the last girl to taking up a new hobby to moving towns.

 

If you think of anything that would help, start working towards doing it. If you don't, you should be able to go to sleep knowing you've done all you can do. Plus thinking about it consciously before you go to sleep may keep you from having troubling dreams or might prompt you to have a healing dream. Making a time to think about it should keep you from being as blindsided by reminders and thoughts at times it's not convenient.

 

Keep us posted on how you're doing.

[Despr8]

I hear ya, but you're not at a point for closure no matter what an ex would say. It's been said that closure comes from within, and I never believed it... Until I hit indifference. That is when closure hits. It's not dependent on anyone other than yourself. I got absolutely no closure from my ex, and she was wicked mean after the breakup. Used social media to show how excellent her life is, got her family to hate me, got mutual friends to hate me, and all I did was stay silent.

 

I'm a believer that lifting weights, and changing yourself is really good as a pathway to healing, but nothing takes the place of time. You have to feel the feelings and ride them out. Humans are incredibly resilient, but if you try to cheat the system by looking for a quick fix and burying your feelings, it doesn't work.

 

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and ride the waves. You're normal, and it does get better. A ton better.

 

After close to two years, I heard from that same ex after her new life collapsed as there was no emotional foundation established. She came knocking...

 

And I never answered the door.

 

I had found closure within myself before then.

 

Keeping the faith, thank you. All my instincts know you're right. I know you're right. My pride and ego is the thing I gotta let go of seriously. As for the new girl deep down I knew it wasn't meant to be but honestly the sex...lord help me. Pissed someone else is enjoying it, you know how it is. Hoping one day I find "WoW!" In my life. Stop the sleeping around ease my ego and humble my pride. I know it's out there.

[Despr8]

I'm sorry you're going through that. You're being too hard on yourself. I do kind of think the new girl might want to know what happened. She won't like it, but it would be an explanation at least. You could tell her you had delayed grief from the breakup and are so sorry it happened, but it happened.

 

Again, you're being too hard on yourself. You are just trying to move on, and that's about all you can do. You are going about that in a good way, trying to make yourself not dwell on it all the time.

 

I have one little suggestion for you. This is because I don't want you to totally block out the grieving process but I want you to control it and not let it control you.

 

Before you go to sleep at night, take a minute or two and just consciously think about that situation. Ask yourself, What did I do wrong? What did she do wrong? Is there any way I can keep from making the same mistakes again? Is there anything I can do about it now to help the situation? What can I do now that would help me move forward? The answer to that could be anything from talking to her or the last girl to taking up a new hobby to moving towns.

 

If you think of anything that would help, start working towards doing it. If you don't, you should be able to go to sleep knowing you've done all you can do. Plus thinking about it consciously before you go to sleep may keep you from having troubling dreams or might prompt you to have a healing dream. Making a time to think about it should keep you from being as blindsided by reminders and thoughts at times it's not convenient.

 

Keep us posted on how you're doing.

 

Thanks I'll give it a shot before bed since I barely get any sleep. Maybe the new girl would like to know why I closed off but she's already doing her thing. I'm gonna just try to be a friend. Ill ask if she wants to know and maybe she'll see some errors in herself.Funny thing was we were both each others rebounds. She just kept rebounding. I know the mentality too well.

[glows]

Well, you're not new to hooking up so why you're guilt-tripping yourself over this "new girl" is beyond me. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. She certainly has moved on with her life.

 

Whatever the reasons for your other (older) relationship ending that's on you and you need to uncover them and learn to forgive yourself. What you learned the hard way is that ALL decisions will affect you, no matter how small or minor they seem at first. All relationship decisions especially and the company you choose will ultimately affect and shape you and shape future decisions and your feelings and emotions. Responsible people accept this and live their lives accordingly always knowing that both big and small decisions have an effect. You can do this too if you accept your mistakes and learn from them.

 

IE. You said you started a small business. But here you are obsessed about your ex and your bad break up. WHAT ARE YOU DOING about your small business and are you keeping on top of things? Do you have someone else to co-manage it or are you allowing things on that front to suffer? You are STILL making decisions now that will affect future events. Acknowledge your feelings, yes. Certainly have the feels, yes. Bawl if you want to bawl, be pissed and take it out at the gym, yes. But straighten yourself out too and be honest about the decisions you are making THIS very minute because they will affect you too. Good luck.

[Despr8]

Well, you're not new to hooking up so why you're guilt-tripping yourself over this "new girl" is beyond me. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. She certainly has moved on with her life.

 

Whatever the reasons for your other (older) relationship ending that's on you and you need to uncover them and learn to forgive yourself. What you learned the hard way is that ALL decisions will affect you, no matter how small or minor they seem at first. All relationship decisions especially and the company you choose will ultimately affect and shape you and shape future decisions and your feelings and emotions. Responsible people accept this and live their lives accordingly always knowing that both big and small decisions have an effect. You can do this too if you accept your mistakes and learn from them.

 

IE. You said you started a small business. But here you are obsessed about your ex and your bad break up. WHAT ARE YOU DOING about your small business and are you keeping on top of things? Do you have someone else to co-manage it or are you allowing things on that front to suffer? You are STILL making decisions now that will affect future events. Acknowledge your feelings, yes. Certainly have the feels, yes. Bawl if you want to bawl, be pissed and take it out at the gym, yes. But straighten yourself out too and be honest about the decisions you are making THIS very minute because they will affect you too. Good luck.

 

My small business is fine I recently took on a partner because I was overwhelmed. You are so right also. But for the new girl, if the old me had met her I would've married her. That's why I'm regretful. Before I became a gym stud I was just average. This girl is a cute humble nerdy girl who empowered me and respected me. You don't find too many like her.

 

Btw preraph I told her the reason why I shut off and she wasn't happy. Feel it was the right decision for her own closure.

Edited August 28, 2018 by Despr8

[preraph]

My small business is fine I recently took on a partner because I was overwhelmed. You are so right also. But for the new girl, if the old me had met her I would've married her. That's why I'm regretful. Before I became a gym stud I was just average. This girl is a cute humble nerdy girl who empowered me and respected me. You don't find too many like her.

 

Btw preraph I told her the reason why I shut off and she wasn't happy. Feel it was the right decision for her own closure.

 

Maybe she'll soften in time. If you told her the above, "If the old me had met her, I wouldn't married her. That's why I'm regretful... This girl is cute humble nerdy girl who empowered me and respected me. You don't find too many like her," I bet she'd soften a little. Maybe you should ask her to come read this thread. But then you'd have to see if you're ready or not or if she'd like to take things slowly.

[marky00]

Thanks I appreciate it and maybe you're right. Just have this feeling of missed love because of my ex. The other girl worshipped me and just wanted me to be happy but I wasn't making her happy in return. Plus I dont have issues meeting women since I've changed my body. Been hooking up a lot but I know really quick when I don't like the girl long term. People say I deserve better. I believe in I want better so I'm gonna get what I want. The women weren't what I wanted but I'd still hook up with them. Male urges ya know lol.

 

But I regret not loving the new girl the way she deserved. I wish I could tell my ex how much she hurt me. I never got any closure from my ex. I was dumped because the universe told her our time was over. I changed my life and body and my ex didn't care and was still the same selfish person. All that No Contact rules and bettering yourself didn't work for me.

 

Hey man, I pretty much feel the same way but i'm considerably further down the line.

 

All the stuff about NC and eventually feeling 100 percent healed didn't happen for me either and its been almost 3 years since the BU but there was a bit of back and forth and lots of breadcrumbs so its probably more like 2 years.

 

Like you I couldn't believe how someone after 9 years just walked off in to the distance with another guy without a care in the world. Then they send you breadcrumbs for a solid year just to mess with you more.

 

It creates a new reality and it can take quite a while to embrace the new reality. I function ok, work ok etc but I just know that there is that hurt buried down that will be there in some capacity forever.

 

It did affect a couple of relationships I tried after but I don't think they were 100 percent what I wanted anyway. I'm kind of with someone now but taking it super slow. Not sure if it will work out but at least I haven't heard from the ex for over a year except for a Happy BD msg.

Edited August 28, 2018 by marky00

[Despr8]

Hey man, I pretty much feel the same way but i'm considerably further down the line.

 

All the stuff about NC and eventually feeling 100 percent healed didn't happen for me either and its been almost 3 years since the BU but there was a bit of back and forth and lots of breadcrumbs so its probably more like 2 years.

 

Like you I couldn't believe how someone after 9 years just walked off in to the distance with another guy without a care in the world. Then they send you breadcrumbs for a solid year just to mess with you more.

 

It creates a new reality and it can take quite a while to embrace the new reality. I function ok, work ok etc but I just know that there is that hurt buried down that will be there in some capacity forever.

 

It did affect a couple of relationships I tried after but I don't think they were 100 percent what I wanted anyway. I'm kind of with someone now but taking it super slow. Not sure if it will work out but at least I haven't heard from the ex for over a year except for a Happy BD msg.

 

My ex just left to burningman and never looked back. After months, close to a year of NC I changed a lot. Like I said I took chances and hit the gym religiously. Got a text month later and the typical playing it off bs, life is great. She ended up just telling me we'll never get back together and was saying how she missed some guy she was seeing lol. Guess she was over me long ago. It affected my last relationship and I regret it. New girl started fking some new guy within weeks after me. Pissed me off and just not dealing with it anymore. New girl told me I was supposed to be her forever. I said if I was your forever you sure jumped on the next guy mighty fast. Felt it was all bull.

[hope86]

I got my heartbroken recently too and I got an interesting suggestion from an uber driver. He told me that I should try to get into a casual, fun relationship(mostly physical) which blunts the blow from your ex and then when you're feeling better, get into a serious relationship.

 

Ofcourse this is harder for guys to do because we don't have as many options just laying around like girls do but that was his advice rather than the popular advice of improving yourself ,meditation bla bla bla.

[Despr8]

I got my heartbroken recently too and I got an interesting suggestion from an uber driver. He told me that I should try to get into a casual, fun relationship(mostly physical) which blunts the blow from your ex and then when you're feeling better, get into a serious relationship.

 

Ofcourse this is harder for guys to do because we don't have as many options just laying around like girls do but that was his advice rather than the popular advice of improving yourself ,meditation bla bla bla.

 

Banging a bunch of chicks helps very little. Trust me I've done it. If anything I found myself feeling more empty.

[preraph]

She could just be saying all that to hurt you. Wants you to think she's super happy. Just saying it's possible.

[Lotsgoingon]

What are you doing in the rest of your life? ... Seems to me you want to find a way to enjoy the rest of your life more ... independent of a woman ...

 

The goal of engaging other areas of your life--whether work or hobbies or reading and learning--isn't just to "improve" yourself. The goal is more to find some satisfaction and fun. And through working on the rest of your life, you can expand your range of social contacts ... your knowledge of fun activities ... improve your job fortunes ... And ironically it's developing the rest of your life that allows us to be less needy and clingy and dependent on a partner.

 

If you want to improve yourself, improve yourself for you--not to please some imaginary partner.

 

You have made the error that many of us make (I've certainly done this) ... which is to see our entire selves through the lens of the last person we've dated. But thing about it ... you yourself most likely don't want to date someone who has no other life other than you ...

 

You want someone who knows she's worthy and attractive and can take care of herself ... so she really can CHOOSE to be with you or not ... and has ample resources to draw upon to live a full life.

 

You're due for some reflection that goes way beyond thinking about this ex or that ex. Your struggles are most likely more about the family you grew up in ... and how they treated you or ignored you ... and less about the relationship experiences you're having now. You have this wound of emptiness (you're not worthy on your own ... or without approval of a woman) ... that you want to let go out. Improve in that area ... and you'll be unstoppable.