Relationship with past professor

[kendahke]

He is divorced already for 6 months.

we see each other around 3 times per week.

we have only been "dating" (if you can call it that) for 3 months. And intimate for 1 month of those months

I guess that is the problem - I dont know when the future is for him.

None of his family know about me.

 

Ok, then I can see him not telling you that he loves you yet. This is a rebound relationship and you are right now at the point where weak foundation relationships begin to fail. Each of you has been dealing with the "on their best behavior" representative, who does, says, thinks everything correctly, but that aspect lasts only so long before the real you and the real him come to the fore. The real him is telling you that while you are amazing, emotionally, he's not ready to jump back into the notion of relationship obligation and his divorce has only been final for 6 months.

 

I can now understand why his family doesn't know you yet.

But I want to be understanding, because I can imagine going through a divorce is difficult

 

It is--and depending upon how long he was married, he's not done processing it.

 

All ethical views aside... should I maybe give him another month, and if things are not closer to becoming official, then I distance myself from him?

 

How long is too long to wait for someone? (especially if they have recently gone through a divorce)

 

If your policy is that you're not going to waste your time with someone who is not ready, at 3 months, to tell you they are ready to get into a new relationship with you, then don't waste another month. End this--and also end your engagement.

 

From the outside, it looks like you're stringing along your fiance til you monkey branch effectively to the new guy. Otherwise, if things were fine with what you are doing, your friends wouldn't be in the dark about it. That's messy and things won't end well.

 

What is wrong with ending things with both men being by yourself for a little while?

[Radarsat]

What happened to the relationship between your ex and her doctor?

 

She ended up finding out that he was still married and living together when he had told her he had left his wife. And he became very cold with her during her routine visits by herself or with his kids. I haven't spoke to her in almost a year, but last time we spoke, she still loved him and hoped he would come around.

[BaileyB]

If you are a lawyer then you are intelligent enough to know there are significant professional and legal ramifications for this kind of relationship.

[preraph]

I would believe him about not quite being ready. Divorce sets you back emotionally and financially. He needs some time to recover, and he needs to be sure. You don't want kids anyway, so what is the hurry? If you think he's the right one, it sounds like he takes care of himself and it might work out. Of course, you need to be sure since he's from another generation that you won't feel lonely for someone of your own generation. That would be my main issue, but that's me. He sounds like a nice man, anyway. You might also want to hear the whole story of why they divorced.

[Radarsat]

If you are a lawyer then you are intelligent enough to know there are significant professional and legal ramifications for this kind of relationship.

 

Exactly. This guy could very well lose his medical license. He should know better. That's on him and not the OP, but seriously, what was he thinking even going down this road...

 

https://www.brown.edu/Courses/BI_278/Other/Clerkship/Didactics/Readings/ETHICS%20AND%20THE%20DOCTOR.pdf

 

^^ Search for "former patient".

[JuneL]

We did not start dating while I was his patient. I asked him to make a note on his system that I was changing doctors. I am a lawyer, so I was very scared to cause any trouble for him in the future. He is not a psychiatrist, he is a GP. I was only his patient officially for 1 consultation, however he did continue to write repeat prescriptions for me.

 

If he continues to write you prescriptions, then he's still your doctor. Although he's not your psychiatrist technically, he's treating your depression; so you're in a particularly vulnerable state as a patient. You also mentioned that he treated you repeatedly for free after the first formal consultation. Did you put these visits in your medical records? If not, then he has violated his code of conduct big time.

[catchmeifyoucan]

Update:

 

I saw the dr last night.

 

He randomly asked me please to not just disappear and to look after his heart.

 

I told him that he cant expect gf/bf privileges if we are not in a relationship.

 

He then asked me to please be his girlfriend and to make things official! I was completely shocked. He was so sincere. I said yes!

 

He keeps saying how happy he is now and that his life is perfect.

 

I am the only one who can possibly cause any problems for him because of the ethical issues. I think sometimes love is worth the risk. I honestly believe that he does not do this all the time with his patients.

[catchmeifyoucan]

If he continues to write you prescriptions, then he's still your doctor. Although he's not your psychiatrist technically, he's treating your depression; so you're in a particularly vulnerable state as a patient. You also mentioned that he treated you repeatedly for free after the first formal consultation. Did you put these visits in your medical records? If not, then he has violated his code of conduct big time.

 

Yes, the prescriptions are on my medical record. But he has not written a new one since I asked him to make a note that he is no longer my doctor. I will need a new prescription in one months time. So I will cross that bridge when I get to it....

[catchmeifyoucan]

I would believe him about not quite being ready. Divorce sets you back emotionally and financially. He needs some time to recover, and he needs to be sure. You don't want kids anyway, so what is the hurry? If you think he's the right one, it sounds like he takes care of himself and it might work out. Of course, you need to be sure since he's from another generation that you won't feel lonely for someone of your own generation. That would be my main issue, but that's me. He sounds like a nice man, anyway. You might also want to hear the whole story of why they divorced.

 

I do know the whole story as to why he got divorced. It was in the pipelines for a while and just became a case of waiting for the children to finish school. He was unfaithful once during his marriage many years ago. But the marriage was an unhappy one since day one. I appreciate his honesty in telling me everything. I dont judge him.

 

I do think he is the right one for me. When we are together, I dont see an age gap at all.

[catchmeifyoucan]

Exactly. This guy could very well lose his medical license. He should know better. That's on him and not the OP, but seriously, what was he thinking even going down this road...

 

https://www.brown.edu/Courses/BI_278/Other/Clerkship/Didactics/Readings/ETHICS%20AND%20THE%20DOCTOR.pdf

 

^^ Search for "former patient".

 

I hope he is taking the risk because he actually loves me and also he trusts me not to report him.

 

I really dont feel that he has taken advantage of me at all. But its so difficult to know anything when you are in love.

 

The situation with your ex is very sad. Did she and her doctor have any type of real relationship (like a friendship) outside of the doctor/patient relationship? Or was everything just in her head?

[catchmeifyoucan]

Exactly. This guy could very well lose his medical license. He should know better. That's on him and not the OP, but seriously, what was he thinking even going down this road...

 

https://www.brown.edu/Courses/BI_278/Other/Clerkship/Didactics/Readings/ETHICS%20AND%20THE%20DOCTOR.pdf

 

^^ Search for "former patient".

 

Very interesting read. I did not know that counter transference existed. I really hope that my new relationship is not based on these things. I would like to believe that its real love.

[Radarsat]

I hope he is taking the risk because he actually loves me and also he trusts me not to report him.

 

I really dont feel that he has taken advantage of me at all. But its so difficult to know anything when you are in love.

 

The situation with your ex is very sad. Did she and her doctor have any type of real relationship (like a friendship) outside of the doctor/patient relationship? Or was everything just in her head?

 

There was a secret she wouldn't tell me out of fear that I would report him. I kept asking what it was, gave examples (kiss you?, sex? touch you, write her, call her, met up?) she kept denying it all. We we're on and off a bunch of times. Then the last time we gave it a go (I was an idiot), she told me she was getting over it somewhat and really wanted to tell me what the secret was and she told me she had been lying. They never dated but she said he did something very wrong and it's damaged her. Not saying this applies to you, but your doctor is definitely in a power/control mode whether he or you see it.

[Radarsat]

Very interesting read. I did not know that counter transference existed. I really hope that my new relationship is not based on these things. I would like to believe that its real love.

 

I know you want to believe that. And it appears that you have had a much more real 'relationship' than my ex. However, that to me (only my opinion) makes it far worse. I feel for you AND him. He really should know better, even as your former patient.

 

And as far as you wanting to believe differently, that's what is so sad with transference in my opinion....you won't believe it. Please consider going to a counselor about this and get their perspective. You don't have to name him. But if you did, the therapist would have the legal obligation to do so, so don't if you don't want him in trouble. But he does need some therapy too I think. I know I sound so judgemental, and I am sorry if you are offended. But I've lived through this and it was horrible to watch hearts break.

[catchmeifyoucan]

I know you want to believe that. And it appears that you have had a much more real 'relationship' than my ex. However, that to me (only my opinion) makes it far worse. I feel for you AND him. He really should know better, even as your former patient.

 

And as far as you wanting to believe differently, that's what is so sad with transference in my opinion....you won't believe it. Please consider going to a counselor about this and get their perspective. You don't have to name him. But if you did, the therapist would have the legal obligation to do so, so don't if you don't want him in trouble. But he does need some therapy too I think. I know I sound so judgemental, and I am sorry if you are offended. But I've lived through this and it was horrible to watch hearts break.

 

 

I'm not offended at all. I appreciate the advice.

 

Things have now become a lot more complicated as we are now officially girlfriend and boyfriend. I guess we are both just human and both just looking for love in the wrong places. I am going to give this relationship a shot. Right or wrong, I am in it already and I hope it will work out.

[JuneL]

What does "official gf and bf" even mean? Didn't you say people don't even know you've broken the engagement with your former professor? And is the professor okay with that too? Is he also seeing someone?

[catchmeifyoucan]

Does anyone know how to contact a moderator or admin? I would just like the title of this to be changed to exclude the word professor... I don't want it coming up in a google search when someone types "relationship with professor"... Too many of my personal details are in here.

 

Is this possible or against the rules?

[catchmeifyoucan]

What does "official gf and bf" even mean? Didn't you say people don't even know you've broken the engagement with your former professor? And is the professor okay with that too? Is he also seeing someone?

 

I do need to sort out my life. But it just means from the Dr's side, he is ready to go public and he is serious about me. Which was all I wanted to know for sure.

 

The prof is okay with me seeing other people and he knows I visit the Dr regularly. He however is not seeing anyone else. Things are not ideal, but I try to be as honest with everyone as i can be.

 

I tend to not make any relationships public until a few months have past in any case.

[ExpatInItaly]

You really need to disentangle yourself from this professor, OP.

 

A true relationship - with anyone - will be next to impossible while you are enmeshed with him.

 

I take it the doctor knows about all of that?

[catchmeifyoucan]

You really need to disentangle yourself from this professor, OP.

 

A true relationship - with anyone - will be next to impossible while you are enmeshed with him.

 

I take it the doctor knows about all of that?

 

That is very true, I think that is why the professor wants me to continue living with him. He knows it would make it impossible for me to truly move on.

 

Yes, the doctor knows everything. He is very understanding about my situation. He offered for me to move in with him, but I know he is probably just being polite and that would be rushing things too much.

 

I am busy trying to find an alternate place to stay. This has all been such an emotional roller coaster for me.

 

I think starting this new relationship so quickly after my old one is definitely not healthy for me. But I dont want to lose out on a possible really great relationship. And I really do love the doctor.

 

My life sometimes feels unreal even to me. I am a really shy person, so I am the last person on the planet that I would expect to start relationships with people like my doctor or professor.

[Radarsat]

That is very true, I think that is why the professor wants me to continue living with him. He knows it would make it impossible for me to truly move on.

 

Yes, the doctor knows everything. He is very understanding about my situation. He offered for me to move in with him, but I know he is probably just being polite and that would be rushing things too much.

 

I am busy trying to find an alternate place to stay. This has all been such an emotional roller coaster for me.

 

I think starting this new relationship so quickly after my old one is definitely not healthy for me. But I dont want to lose out on a possible really great relationship. And I really do love the doctor.

 

My life sometimes feels unreal even to me. I am a really shy person, so I am the last person on the planet that I would expect to start relationships with people like my doctor or professor.

 

Mark my words, if you don't get some therapy and some real, professional help, then this is going to end all very badly for you. Please, please consider thinking with your mind and not just your heart. This thread really brings back memories for me and I really feel for all three of you. Mostly you though because I know you honestly believe that you care for them both. But you need to care for yourself first, and I don't honestly believe that you do right now. Please just consider visiting a counselor about this. It's your life of course. And I hope you eventually see a right path for yourself.

[JuneL]

Mark my words, if you don't get some therapy and some real, professional help, then this is going to end all very badly for you. Please, please consider thinking with your mind and not just your heart. This thread really brings back memories for me and I really feel for all three of you. Mostly you though because I know you honestly believe that you care for them both. But you need to care for yourself first, and I don't honestly believe that you do right now. Please just consider visiting a counselor about this. It's your life of course. And I hope you eventually see a right path for yourself.

 

I think the 3 of them all need intensive therapy badly. I hope the OP will choose a female one, as she can easily fall for her therapist otherwise. I read somewhere that doctors fall for their patients when they have some personal emotional issues themselves.

[ExpatInItaly]

You very much need to get your own place to live, OP. Not with the professor and not with the doctor. Date the doctor if you want (though I wouldn't recommend it) but do not move in with him at this point.

 

I still firmly believe this doctor is taking full advantage of your obvious vulnerability, and for this reason, moving in with him would be very unwise right now. You need to first truly suss out what this man is about and you won't be able to do that if you are under his roof immediately.

 

You really need to be thinking more carefully about the motives of a man who is jeopardizing his entire career and offering to pluck you out of another man's home and move you into his right away. Ask yourself why most rational and trustworthy men wouldn't do so.