JustTry Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 The story: I was out and my ex was working the tables at a restaurant. She made a simple mistake and I teased her about it. I never knew that we would end up together a week later. I'm 8 years older. Working. She is just finishing her last year of university. She has all her grades to pass and was just going through the motions. She had to prepare to start looking for work. She was also part of her athletics club but that's only during summer and spring. We met in the fall. From day one, it was an uphill trend as far as our feelings for each other grew. There was never a dull moment. Christmas together, Valentines, her birthday and everything in between. Big adventures, little ones. For her birthday I got a little romantic and made her something. Some funny poetry about everything that we had done and a bunch of inside jokes. She said she had never had a birthday like this and never a present that made her so happy. My birthday was June 1st. The day before and day of, she cooked and cleaned my apartment. She didn't have much money and I wasn't looking for anything special but what she did for me, I made sure she knew how much I loved my present. Then, even though she was at my place 2 or 3 days a week for the previous 7 months, she was busy. We still kept messaging each other. She had interviews. Every time one went bad, I told her not to worry. When one went well, I told her she had it. The job she really wanted would take her out of town. 3 hours. We had casually talked about a LDR. We figured we still had time to sort things out. But, during that 3 weeks of not seeing her, I must have gotten clingy. I sent a message asking if she was avoiding me. Not a rude message just one of concern. Her reply was basically that she had purposefully put some distance between us because she didn't know if she really loved me and she was afraid to find out. So, from that text I knew it was over. I was just on my way out of town for business. I tried calling but she was just about to start practice with her team. She asked to meet me in person. At least I had that. I had a couple of drinks and sent her another message saying nice things, and that I was grateful for being a small part of her life. She replied with surprise, not sure how I could be so nice but also saying thank you. The following day I returned home and had the talk. Her reason for wanting to break up was that she was still young, wasn't sure about her life, might have to move. All I could hear was "I've got all this stuff going on and you've become a task rather than a fun time." And without begging or pleading, I gave her back a ring she had given me and said goodbye. She asked for a hug and I had to think. I gave her one. She hugged me hard and long. The next day she came by with my keys and I had already packed her stuff. She asked if we would be in touch and I said not for a while. But if she was in trouble and only I could help, she could reach out. Otherwise, no. THE MONTHS AFTER: I had never been dumped. I had been cheated on and then done the dumping...and that was painful. BUT this was a different kind of pain. So, I searched Google. I guess me going NC was what most people do. I know that people try to sell it as a way of getting your ex back. That's how I used it in the beginning trying to plan my re-entry into her life. I used my social media to post updates of work and my physical appearance. I normally did this anyways as it's part of my job, but I took extra care. 1 month passed and I decided I wasn't ready to reach out. I kept going. I started sporting a sixpack which gave me confidence. I got a raise at work. I had dates lined up. After my first date, I realized I couldn't date yet. I was comparing. So, next thing I did was go NC another month and scrapped the plan altogether. I still watched videos and read articles hoping for a glimpse into what she might be thinking, what she might be doing. Was she feeling guilty? Was she feeling like she made a mistake? Was she relieved? Was I that bad? During that second month I started analyzing things. The dates were romantic, the nights at home were as well, lots of cuddling, lots of great sex. The week before my birthday we hadn't seen each other in about a week and when she came over we had some of the roughest sex ever. She said "Let's do it like that again sometime. That was awesome." RIP OFF THE SCAR: With summer coming to a close I knew she had found her job. I figured that if she was moving, this would be my last chance to say goodbye to her for real, whatever that means. And if she was staying in town I figured she should know that the lines of communication are now open. I thought I was ready. I figured if she said she needed time, that would be OK. She met someone knew, that would suck, but hey. Or, that she wouldn't answer at all. I sent a picture of her, a selfie she took with my phone while in bed, said it made me smile and hoped it would put a smile on her face too. I told her I hoped she found her dream job. She replied almost instantly. She was happy to hear from me. She had something she wanted to say to me. For a moment, I thought "...she wants to say she misses me" BUT it was that she did find her dream job and that she was moving next spring. There was a little back and forth I tried ending the texting on a high note. But what ended up happening was her telling me that when her athletics stuff finishes in November we should me. And to keep working out. So why does this all suck and the silver lining? The silver lining was that I never cried about the situation. I wanted to. I was in pain, I still am. But I tried watching sad movies or listening to sad songs. But I was just depressed, no tears. It sucked. But seeing the words that she was leaving town, that brought tears to my eyes. I can't say if they were happy or not. But there was some sort of relief. Then, the idea of meeting her, I don't think so. I didn't say no, but I don't think I can. Why? Because I feel that I put myself back to day one of the breakup. Those feelings of depression came running back. While my work and physical health improved, my mental health did not. I stopped seeing friends, I told them I was having a sober summer, which was true since I knew alcohol or drugs would make things worse. I had to change my eating style to accommodate the lack of appetite. This is part of the reason I know have a six pack. I tried joining a different club outside of my regular gym to meet new people. Most of my friends are married or with GFs and leaning on them is kind of pointless, all I get is "There are more fish in the sea". So, I started looking up how to move on. I had a cry today, which was a good thing. I did some more meditation today, which helps a little. Everything reminds me of her because we live so close. Although we have never bumped into each other since the breakup. I know where she works, but have not been since. Going to the movies, can't do it on my own. Part of me still imagines "What if she moves, gets lonely, calls me up" but I know that thinking that is just not going to help. So I look for ways to stop thinking that way. I'm glad I reached out but at the same time I wish I hadn't. Doesn't make much sense does it? So, where am I in the stages of grief and how do I go through it so I can move on? Someone said "Making progress in some area of your life? I've done that...do I need to do more? It's becoming tiring, like I don't have the energy to put anymore into myself. And as I write this, I will be honest and say that if she called me now and said "That job, it's not worth it. I miss you and want a life with you." I would be jumping for joy. But I also know that I can't think this way. But then, when someone says don't think of something, what do we do, we think about that only. Help
Frogwife Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 The "Five Stages of Grief" isn't even a real thing, not in the way that people have come to view it. It was originally research done by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross to study how terminally ill patients reacted to their own diagnoses, not to how people grieve the loss of others. Later on she herself said that the stages (in relation to dying patients dealing with grief surrounding their own death) are not linear nor predictable and that she regretted writing them in a way that (continues to be) misunderstood. There is very little anyone can do to "force" moving on from loss. In my own experience, it can be a two steps forward, one step back dance that time may never heal, but that time can help lessen. Just keep on keepin' on. 2
Author JustTry Posted August 28, 2018 Author Posted August 28, 2018 The story: THE SHORT - We fell in love fast and hard. We went from pick up to bf/gf in a week. - We talked about everything from what we wanted to do next week together to what would happen 'if' she moved to another city (ie. LDR) - She introduced me to her family (Apparently the first boyfriend worthy of an introduction) - She is in her last year of uni looking for work mostly. Her grades are all set - I've been working 8 years which makes me older - She would spend 2 or 3 days a week at my place. She lives just a 5 minute car ride away though. - We had no major fights. 2 disagreements but small and resolved right away. - My birthday was June 1st, the day before and day of she was an angel. - 3 weeks we didn't see each other. She was busy. - I sent a text asking if she was avoiding me. - She said she was and that her feelings were perhaps not what she once thought. - We met a few days later and she ended it. - She asked if we would stay in touch and I said I don't think so, I need time to heal. - I started NC which was before going online and seeing how NC rule was sold as a method to getting your ex back etc. - After 1 month, I started feeling better. Not good enough to reach out. - After 2 months, I dated and I discovered I couldn't date as I was comparing too much. - A little while after, I convinced myself that if I don't reach out, I might never see her again. She might have gotten that job out of town. - She replied with happiness. The text messages were 'nice'. But I felt like I took a giant leap back as far as my progress. - I did manage to cry for the first time since the breakup because she was moving. This would make it easier yet harder at the same time. - I need to move on, I don't know where I am in the grieving process and I don't know how to move forward.
Redhead14 Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 A little while after, I convinced myself that if I don't reach out, I might never see her again. She might have gotten that job out of town. - This statement says you're still experiencing some denial and holding on to some hope. Each person grieves differently. Usually they vacillate between "stages"/emotions over the course of time. I recommend that you set aside some time each day, say a half an hour, to "sit" with and allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling at the time. At the end of that time, you make yourself do something productive and/or fun and focus on just you. Do this each day. Over time you will find that you need less time for it. Be good to yourself and be patient. 1
Young mind Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 There’s much of an idealistic way of looking at it , I can tell you for all of us it is far from reality. That is why we crumble after all the cooked up plans, NC etc. I was in your shoes not so long ago, a year ago, I planned, I dreamt, I figured, battled what the next best step could be, all to nothing. I agree to being positive in life and concentrating on your career or goals, but one take home message, all of this is going to naturalize only with TIME, nothing else. Replace the 5stages of grief with TIME, let the course of time take over, concentrate on other parts of your life
TeddyPSmith Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 Each person grieves differently. Usually they vacillate between "stages"/emotions over the course of time. I recommend that you set aside some time each day, say a half an hour, to "sit" with and allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling at the time. At the end of that time, you make yourself do something productive and/or fun and focus on just you. Do this each day. Over time you will find that you need less time for it. This is great advice. Ive been grieving for almost 7 months. Ive read all sorts of books, articles, accounts from people, podcasts, therapy, antidepressants, random sex, alcohol, exercise, meditation, church, etc. But THIS is the most simple and helpful advice there is. You simply cant force it. You cant avoid it. You can prolong it but it is coming out in some form or another. It is unfortunately a difficult thing to do. But try. Just sit with it.
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