Confoosedgal Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I am four years older, IÂ’m 27 and heÂ’s 22-going on-23. Our biggest issue in the relationship has been his irresponsibility. He has lost seven jobs for a variety of reasons in the last year and a half, some of them not having been his fault, due to layoffs and such. IÂ’m starting to get to the point in my life where IÂ’m considering my future and marriage. IÂ’m in school full-time, IÂ’m one year away from obtaining my bachelors degree, and I plan to go into teaching and get my own apartment within the next two years. My boyfriend keeps insisting that we will move out together, but his actions speak louder than his words and IÂ’m really starting to fear that I am wasting my time! In between our relationship time, he has had two periods where he was unemployed for 2-3 months. The first time he was unemployed, I found out he was also smoking weed on a daily basis and waking up at 2 PM, yet he constantly claimed he was looking for a job... I broke it off with him until he cleaned up his act and we got back together. He was working hard and our relationship was good for several months. He found a better paying job eventually and went there. After two weeks, he started to call in sick once a week, for various reasons. After six weeks, he reported pain in his right wrist, which we both know did NOT occur there (he was already diagnosed with carpal tunnel), and they fired him for liability. He applied for unemployment and wanted to collect it until he could treat his right wrist. He used that time to play video games and smoke weed, but I NEVER said anything. They denied him unemployment two weeks later, and he still refused to look for a job until I threatened to break it off! So, an agency found him a job, 30 minutes away, and told him he would start in 2 days. Another job called him to schedule an interview on that same start date. I told him to go with the job that the agency provided but it was ultimately his choice. Two days later, he admits that he did not go to either because his cousin promised him an even better job closer to home, that would POSSIBLY start in a MONTH. I was so furious by his obvious laziness and desire to buy more free time for himself, that I actually blocked him from my phone. Getting the point, he found himself another job that started that same week. It seems that when heÂ’s fired or let go, he uses that time as a personal vacation, and will not seriously search for jobs unless I threaten to leave. He was fired from his seventh job last week. During this job, he promised He was saving money for this phlebotomy program he was interested in that costs $2,000 and said after the program he would start saving for an apartment. He was making really good money and working a ton of overtime, so I believed him. I found out from his mother, he was not paying rent, he was not paying his car insurance, and he kept borrowing money from her to pay off his car. His mom was paying $850 in bills for him. IÂ’m now wondering where the hell his money was going?? We got into a huge fight and I asked to take a little break from him. I truly love him but IÂ’m scared heÂ’s not mature enough or responsible enough to be in a serious relationship, let alone a marriage. I donÂ’t want to break it off but I donÂ’t want to waste anymore time. He keeps promising to do better... do you think he will ever change?? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 We got into a huge fight and I asked to take a little break from him. I truly love him but IÂ’m scared heÂ’s not mature enough or responsible enough to be in a serious relationship, let alone a marriage. I donÂ’t want to break it off but I donÂ’t want to waste anymore time. He isn't. At all. I would be utterly turned off. I would end it, for good. He's immature, irresponsible and I would not wait around for him to grow up on my watch. You have so much more going for you and he's only going to drag you down. 1
PegNosePete Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 Agree with Expat. They say women mature faster than men, and this guy is only 22! You're at a totally different life stage than him. He is at the stage where he wants to sit around playing video games smoking weed taking no personal responsibility and having no commitments. Which is fine, many guys are like that when they are 22. Many stay like that into their 30's. Whereas you're at the stage where you want to actually act like an adult. You can't fit a square peg into a round hole. Time to move on. 1
Leigh 87 Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 He is not yet at the stage/age where he wants to work. And that's okay. Many young people now days bloom in their later 20's after having fun and being lazy in their early 20's. Back in the day people had to work to live; now, there are more beggars and social welfare and the man of the house does not have to work to feed a family at age 20 (usually) as was commonplace back in our parents generations... I was like him at his age and bloomed later on. I happened to find a man/now fiance, who also was a later bloomer and we connected due to being in the same life phase; we both travelled younger and are saving for a house later in life, a decade after most people buy. It is OK to be a little slow to launch - but you do need a partner who is on the same life path, or else there will be too many dependencies in personalities to be/remain compatible beyond the honeymoon phase. The truth is, you simply CANNOT have the same mindset and habits or a home owner/ sucessful person, until you become one yourself. Now, my partner and I work our @sses off, me in podiatry school whilst working as a disability carer and he drives big trucks (which is actually a skilled job and takes 1000s to earn to biggest truck licenses out there and pays very well eventually). However hard work, and despite the fact we have the same standards and goals as a decent worker who is already successful - neither of us, truth me told, would have been compatible with someone who had worked hard and sacrificed since aged 18 in order to buy a house and retire early; we just have not acquired the same experiences as someone who has sacrificed more easier in life than us, so they could get ahead. It doesn't mean he is less intelligent or less talented He may also have great potential at earning a good job and subsequent income. But he is clearly not ready to go and grab life and live it to the fullest which in turn, means a person is willing to really try and reach some kind of consistency as this i what is required to live in the real world, essentially, and have self worth enough to maintain a proper adult relationship. I have dated a lot and the life stage thing is one factor that cemented whether or not I was compatible. I needed a spark, but I would often spark with men and have so much fun initially, only to very quickly feel as thoug something was "missing" in our interactions, shared experiences and base mentality; there is just no way to have the mindset of a hard working, consistent, successful person who lives comfortably and responsibly for a number of years - other than to be one of those people. They will always have a different mindset based on what they went through to get to where they are, and people who are still climbing towards the depth of their adult success carer wise - just don't yet share the pain, blood and exhaustion the more successful people have had to endure, in order to be comfortable and consistently responsible to get to a liveable level of comfort and not worrying about the bills. In short: you will resent him. Fast. You will be out working hard towards obtaining an enjoyable and secure future, while he sits on his bottom and plays video games; more than likely, literally and not even figuratively speaking. You will lose any chemistry you once had for him REALLY fast, when you see him bumming around asking his mummy for money in his mid, or possible late - 20s..... Look, even two adults with full time jobs (consistently) - end up drifting apart if their worth ethics do not aline - my mate worked and achieved a Masters degree (two degrees all up) while her ex fiance, while in a well paid "decent" job - had no drive to better himself, and was happy to just stay where he was, without going and earning a degree as she had. She felt off balance, and felt out of her depth when it came to drive and determination. He was very good with people and just winged it to get his good job - he is an extrovert and just could talk sh*T to people and got to where he was through an affable, likeable personality rather than truly putting his head down and problem solving. My friend was accustomed to using her brain a bit more to solve more in depth problems on a daily basis, and just worked a lot harder than him to get to where she was (some people work hard but truly do get places with personality and not so much problem solving abilities). They broke up after 4 years and an engagement. They had a picture perfect relationship leading up to this; love at first site, similar temperaments, they clicked well. But there was just that something missing.. a drive she had, that as a man, she wanted in the very least - her equal. Whether we want to admit it or not - it is ingrained in many women to truly feel at their best when their male counter part is at least as hard working as they are.... There is just something about men that work as hard as you do - that is appealing and most women enjoy. Work ethic cannot be disguised; even people who wing it and get good jobs like my friends ex just have a totally different attitude to that of people who really, really REALLY put it all on the line and battle so hard daily, wanting to give up at times just to get to where they are. My friend studied 8 hours a day at times and held a full time job in a fussy bank:sick: She went through literal hell daily, now knowing how she would cope day to day; her ex earned a good income but even he would admit that he did not have to ever feel like hell or battle hard to get where he is, it was mostly through the gift of the gab. Sure he worked daily and was rarely sick, but he never had that "omg, I am mentally, physically, and emotionally dead/drained and don't know/dread how I Will manage to get up tomorrow just to do it all again". For this reason, I personally only click romantically with men who work their butts off in blue collar roles OR who are earning bachelor degrees. As they share the same mindset to me. The way people work and they way in which they approach their work, says a lot about their mental strength and their characters as a whole. I hope my experience has imparted some knowledge as to the many varying ways that people can date and find common ground - or, in some cases not find a happy medium where both parties are fulfilled. He would probably be just dandy. It is you that will lose attraction and respect for him once he shows you that he truly is a lazy bum at this stage of his life, while you're not! This is not going to ever work. Later in life when he gets his act together you may meet again and maybe it will work, but it is farrrrr more probable that you will BOTH find long term partners well before this ever takes place.... 1
Redhead14 Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 He is only 22 years old. Twenty-two year old men don't usually have a focus on having a real relationship and raising a family yet. He will likely become more mature with time. But you shouldn't be letting him do it on "your watch". What you basically have with him is a parent-child relationship. You have too much on your plate and goals to meet, do you really want to be raising a child too? I take it he still lives home too. Let his parents finish the job they've started.
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 If you want to be in a serious relationship with a man who wants to get married and have a family, you shouldn't be dating a 22 year old weed smoking, video game playing boy. 1
stillafool Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 No, no he isn't ready yet nor should he be at his age. He is only a 22 year old man. A 27 year old woman is world's apart from him at this stage in his life. Yes OP if you want marriage and kids it's best you move it along.
notbroken Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 Yes, he is 'only 22', but he has done nothing to set himself up for success. Most (not all of course) people that end up as successful people showed some drive to get there even at 22 (going to school, working hard, living on their own, etc). He doesn't show any drive that will ever get him there. He get's laid off alot. Likely because he is a bad worker. When is his 'drive' supposed to magically start? The answer is that it likely never will. It was not instilled in him and he didn't get it on his own. Mommy will still be bailing him out when he is 30. He'll smoke weed and play video games for a few more years as his friends graduate from college, get decent jobs, and are productive. You will be productive and wait for him to 'grow up' for a very long time. You could nag him into occasional spurts of employment. Life is short. Too short to spend on someone with no drive when you have some and want him to be a contributor. Yes that's harsh, but it is true.
kendahke Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 Break it off. Do you want to be his mother or his partner? Because right now, he's not looking for a partner--he's looking for a mom who'll let him post up and play video games and smoke weed. As you can see, she's happy to pay his bills for him, so why should he go look for work?
Author Confoosedgal Posted August 28, 2018 Author Posted August 28, 2018 These answers are very helpful Leigh "In short: you will resent him. Fast." I think that's already happening. I notice I have been angry and snappy these last two weeks. I suddenly feel so angry at him all the time. Every time I think of us breaking up I become really depressed and don't want to.... But, I do feel like I'm his mom half the time. He injured his back at this last job & he couldn't even report it because they drug test right away and he wouldn't have passed. So he had to have his own doctor put him on temporary disability, while he was still on probation! He spent his entire disability at His house playing video games or my house doing nothing. The first day he went back to work they fired him, and he asked me if he could hide at my house, because his father threatened to kick him out if he got fired again. I told him no because I had a lot of things to do. He's been unemployed for two weeks and he still hasn't filed for unemployment or looked for a job... And that's where a lot of our problems started again....
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 He injured his back at this last job & he couldn't even report it because they drug test right away and he wouldn't have passed. So he had to have his own doctor put him on temporary disability, while he was still on probation! He spent his entire disability at His house playing video games or my house doing nothing. The first day he went back to work they fired him, and he asked me if he could hide at my house, because his father threatened to kick him out if he got fired again. I told him no because I had a lot of things to do. He's been unemployed for two weeks and he still hasn't filed for unemployment or looked for a job... And that's where a lot of our problems started again.... I think you know where this is headed, unfortunately. This is not a man you can rely on to be a partner, or a father.
Standard-Fare Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 Some of this can be blamed on his youth, but I think the behavior you're describing is extreme and indicates either a fundamental personality flaw or possibly some kind of mental disorder. You made the right call by stepping away. It wasn't healthy for you to play the role of "nag" to prod him to do better... that motivation needs to come from within and so far he's not demonstrated himself capable of that. It's possible a few years from now he will, by necessity, mature into a more stable and responsible man, but you can't be expected to sit around waiting for that to happen. It's also possible that he will never grow out of this. I have a friend who fits the same pattern — I've seen her cycle through maybe 15 jobs, never lasting more than three months, and often blaming questionable medical excuses. At first everyone thought she'd grow out of it, but it's been a decade and she's now in her 30s... so, no, she won't. She ultimately found her salvation in the form of a wealthy husband who doesn't expect any personal growth from her. If she hadn't I think she'd just be milking the system (unemployment, medical leave) for eternity.
mortensorchid Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 He's not going to change for a while now. At 22 you are not an adult yet, you are still very much a teenager in your mentality and attitudes about things. You are more of an adult than him and it's bothering you. I would suggest keeping your options open. 2
PegNosePete Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 He injured his back at this last job & he couldn't even report it because they drug test right away and he wouldn't have passed. So he had to have his own doctor put him on temporary disability, while he was still on probation! He spent his entire disability at His house playing video games or my house doing nothing. The first day he went back to work they fired him, and he asked me if he could hide at my house, because his father threatened to kick him out if he got fired again. I told him no because I had a lot of things to do. He's been unemployed for two weeks and he still hasn't filed for unemployment or looked for a job... Goodness. When you were little and dreamed of your perfect prince, is this what you had in mind? A druggie bum who lies, cheats, gets fired regularly and needs YOUR protection from his own family? What happened to you, to make you think so little of yourself, that you accept being treated like that? Don't you think you deserve better? You sound like a sensible intelligent young woman. Time to stop wasting your youth on this idiot. You're only young once, use it wisely, spend it with people who deserve it!
Leigh 87 Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 Yes, he is 'only 22', but he has done nothing to set himself up for success. Most (not all of course) people that end up as successful people showed some drive to get there even at 22 (going to school, working hard, living on their own, etc). He doesn't show any drive that will ever get him there. He get's laid off alot. Likely because he is a bad worker. When is his 'drive' supposed to magically start? The answer is that it likely never will. It was not instilled in him and he didn't get it on his own. Mommy will still be bailing him out when he is 30. He'll smoke weed and play video games for a few more years as his friends graduate from college, get decent jobs, and are productive. You will be productive and wait for him to 'grow up' for a very long time. You could nag him into occasional spurts of employment. Life is short. Too short to spend on someone with no drive when you have some and want him to be a contributor. Yes that's harsh, but it is true. There are exceptions. Do you think me becoming a podiatrist in my early 30's is less successful than a nurse or teacher or social worker who started ten years prior? I was a high school drop out and worked menial jobs to earn money to travel as much as possible. I amassed great experienced rather than save and "set myself up" I don't consider my profession and soon to be degree any "lesser" than any other profession simply because I decided to engage in tertiary education and a "professional job" later in life than most people. But I sure was not ready to date someone serious at this guys age, since I was not serious myself.
Recommended Posts