Her parents don't think I'm good enough AND it's the same old story over and over

[MrDuck]

You said she is a commercial lawyer for a big firm. She didn't get there by being a push over. Presumably she knows her own mind & knows what buttons to push with her parents.

Oh for sure, she's not some meek and mild push over! She's quiet but she's not quiet when you get to know her, she's certainly not quiet with me and shes certainly not quiet with her family!

She definitely has respect for them and holds to some of her 'family values', but she definitely knows her own mind and she really doesn't seem bothered about going against them.

 

To be fair, she really doesn't seem fazed about the situation as it is, she'll eye roll about her dad being small minded but she just seems to shrug off anything her mum says like its not a big deal.

You just stay out of it & be the good guy that you are. She will make sure her parents see the evidence of your good character. Trust her.

Yeah! I know you're right! Im being paranoid, and thats not cool! I need to trust her more, i do trust her, its just having been in the situation before it gets harder!

 

If she likes you enough then you are set.

I know that is the truth of it!

 

I guess... I just really hope she does like me enough! ...I really care!

[MrDuck]

This girl is still young but a high achiever. Her family aside, you have to think about how you’re going to provide for her and your kids if the two of you have them. She may be fine with you right now but if you guys have children she is likely to resent having to work instead of being able to be there for her kids.................You know, it’s really nice to get on a soapbox about how money doesn’t matter and all that but when it comes down to it, money is a huge deal and trying to pretend it doesn’t matter is like putting your head in the sand.

 

It's hard because.... I understand you need money! I grew up in a caravan that leaked when it rained, I ate cold baked beans or I went hungry, I know what it is to be poor.

 

But I'm not poor! I provide for my son, he wants for nothing - we have somewhere to live, we have food to eat, he has presents on his birthday, we go to the park or the beach like everyday after school, he has new football boots when he needs them, school trips, whatever

I never feel poor!

 

The thing is with money is that, I've never been driven by it, i'm just not! Its a bottomless pit, however much people have they think they need more! The amount of people who i hear say they "wish they could afford to travel the world", I left home at 16 with £200 in my pocket, bought a plane ticket and made it happen!

For that, and for lots of things, i feel richer than most people!

 

Id do anything for the people I love, i would find away to give them anything, but i'm experience motivated not financially motivated! That's just who I am!

 

How are you making a living with rescue dogs? Everyone I know who does it is dead broke because they put all their money into saving them, which I admire, but if you are barely scraping by and their daughter is going to be an attorney, there is a big difference in ability to provide there.

I do training for dogs with behavioural issues, for individual clients and for a rescue centre.

I actually don't make bad money on the self employed side, more money than i've brought in at any other job, sometimes i can make like £50 in an hour, but like you say nothing on her potential earnings

[MrDuck]

So have you considered the fact that she LIKES that you are not what her parents would choose?

Yeah maybe!

You have to trust her!

I know, I know

[MrDuck]

Remember OP, it might not be all about money! You’ve don’t a lot in a short space of years in your adult life, you’ve had a son, you’ve moved around lots. If they are people that have lead live very much about stability and structure then they may simply be worried that their daughter is going to get hurt!

 

If they know that she really likes you they might be worried that you have potential to be flakey maybe!

Her mum is a bit funny about me having a son!

 

I get it! I know completely what the perception is when you've had a kid at 17, that you're irresponsible and whatever. I completely understand that, but I'd also ask anyone who was going to judge my character on that to also consider that I didn't balk when my ex told me she was pregnant, he was my son and I wanted him from the start. Then I raised him as a single parent from 17. I'd never even had a good parent to learn from, I totally made it up as I went along. I did every night shift, I walked up and down with him every night till he went to sleep, I fed him, I changed nappies, and I still worked, and I still travelled. I taught him how to read, and to ride a bike, plus how to avoid treading on snakes and to surf. I don't want a medal for that or pat on my back because he's my son, its my job, and he just so happens to be the greatest thing that ever happened to me too!

 

I completely accept that they very well might think like 'oh he's a single dad' and see it as a negative. Me and Bodhi are a package deal, she's in a relationship with me but we come as a pair, and thats a lot for any girl to take on! But I hope they'd also consider that I don't walk away from the people I love, i'm not the most conventional dad but that boy knows I love him and i'll stick by him, and I love their daughter, and i'll stick by her too.

[preraph]

The parents see their daughter, and rightfully so, as young and in her prime and well educated with enormous potential and a clean slate who should aim really high.

 

Yes, your son, especially having him at such a young age, is a strike against you in their eyes, because they don't see why their young daughter should have the complication of an instant family. They also think it reflects badly on your decision making ability that you had him and have no idea if you are now making good choices or are still making rash choices. They would rather she found someone more like her with goals similar to hers. This is all perfectly understandable. If she was your daughter, you'd want her to take all the best opportunities.

 

That said, if she is crazy about you and will assert herself with her parents, then all you can do is see if as time goes on, she starts having more expectations or whether she is fine with the status quo. Do NOT get this woman pregnant and mess up her goals, though. They would never forgive you for that, and one day, she wouldn't either. And do not turn her against her parents. They are not wrong. You just do your best to gain their respect with everything that you do.

 

Good luck with the dog training. Glad to hear someone is making some money on it. I don't know of anyone in the US does unless they're training working dogs like police K9s. Rescuers often start nonprofits, but their work is definitely not for profit here!

[Sparkes]

How does your girlfriend feel about the fact you are a dad? I assume she met your son?

You know what it is to be a parent and how much impact a child has on your life, do you believe she’s ready for that?

 

(Where’s your sons mum btw?)

 

Also remember: “When something is important enough, you do it even if the odds are not in your favor.”

[MrDuck]

The parents see their daughter, and rightfully so, as young and in her prime and well educated with enormous potential and a clean slate who should aim really high.... This is all perfectly understandable. If she was your daughter, you'd want her to take all the best opportunities.

Yeah I know!

Im not blind so of course I get! Guys like me don't end up with girls like her, hardly ever! Gypsy blood, uneducated, raised by a drunk, tattoos, single dad, party boy past, dresses like he just walked out of the gap year catalogue! I know that that stuff is all they see when they look at me!

But I'm so much more than those things!! And i get they are big things and they are hard to see past, but Im not ashamed of those things because its every challenge that ive ever face that makes me the guy i am today and im actually pretty happy with the guy in the mirror! I believe that i can make her happy, if i dint think that, id take my cards off the table, but i do!

 

That said, if she is crazy about you and will assert herself with her parents, then all you can do is see if as time goes on, she starts having more expectations or whether she is fine with the status quo.

I know all I can do is trust her, and I do, but it actually takes a hell of a lot for me to trust someone, properly, I normally don't get that attached to people. It's a big deal to me. So it scares me sometimes cause of ocurse i have insecurities like everybody else does... but when im with her i feel so confident in us! I know that she gets me, and i know that she likes me, and not just for the way i look or my jokes, she likes me for me, i feel like i can be totally myself!

 

And maybe im wrong, in which case im f***** anyway cause im head over heels!!

 

Its that ferraris quote right “They told me that to make her fall in love, i had to make her laugh. But everytime she laughs, i’m the one who falls in love.” couldnt be more true, if it was written for me!

 

Do NOT get this woman pregnant and mess up her goals, though.

It's not my intention! I always swore that when I had kids, I do everything 'proper', I'd give them the happy little family I never had! I feel like I have let my lad down because i haven't been able to give him that ...But life just isn't like that! I was 17, she'd told me she was on the pill, she wanted an abortion, and that was never going to be an option for me! Is it how I planned it, no. Has it always been easy, no. Have I done everything right, probably not. Is he the best damn thing that's ever happened to me, a million times yes!! He's my single greatest achievement and i am so so proud that i get to call him my son!

I hope i'm blessed to have more kids, and I hope that when i do it can be within that family unit! But I'd never let my boy be thought of as a mistake in any way!

 

And do not turn her against her parents.

I would never want to do that! I think she lucky to have parents that care about her so much and I would never want to be the reason for someone to lost their parents from their lives!

 

You just do your best to gain their respect with everything that you do.

By treating her well?

 

Good luck with the dog training. Glad to hear someone is making some money on it. I don't know of anyone in the US does unless they're training working dogs like police K9s. Rescuers often start nonprofits, but their work is definitely not for profit here!

I enjoy my job, but its a paid job not a charity. Weirdly, I got into it because I could make decent money with flexible hours. If i'll do it forever I don't know, conservation is my passion really, that's what I fell in love with and i've done all over the world! I'll probably aim to get back into that in the long term

[Ruby Slippers]

To be fair, she really doesn't seem fazed about the situation as it is, she'll eye roll about her dad being small minded but she just seems to shrug off anything her mum says like its not a big deal.

This is a good sign. It suggests that in the end, she'll make her own decision. It doesn't mean it's a sure thing - but it does suggest you have a better chance than if she were the type to buckle to family pressure easily.

[MrDuck]

How does your girlfriend feel about the fact you are a dad? I assume she met your son?

Yeah yeah she's met my son. They get on well, he likes her. She was a little nervous about meeting him because she said she hadn't had tons of experience with kids but my lads really easy, we've travelled so much and met so many different people, he's really chill. They've bonded a fair bit, they build lego and she reads a good bedtime story!

 

You know what it is to be a parent and how much impact a child has on your life, do you believe she’s ready for that?

I don't believe anyone's ready for it! For sure I wasn't!! I think you've just got to be ready to commit to the journey!

Obviously I cant speak for her, but i honestly wouldnt invest in someone this much i couldnt picture a future with and for me picturing my future is always a big part about my son.

 

(Where’s your sons mum btw?)

She is in Brazil, works out there, shes from France originally. Shes met my son a couple of times. We email very occasionally. That's about it really! We were really good friends, just terrible romantic partners, and she wanted her freedom, she didn't want to be a mother.

 

Also remember: “When something is important enough, you do it even if the odds are not in your favor.”

I love that That's my life!

[Sparkes]

Have her family met your son? How was that?

She is in Brazil, works out there, shes from France originally. Shes met my son a couple of times. We email very occasionally. That's about it really! We were really good friends, just terrible romantic partners, and she wanted her freedom, she didn't want to be a mother.

 

Wow!!

[MrDuck]

Have her family met your son? How was that?

Her mum has, and Harry-Potter-sister has. Her mum was fine when he was there, like she’s not a super ‘kiddie’ type lady but she was fine to him. Asked him a few questions! Bodhi is so chatty and so charming though, he could thaw the ice queen!

HP-sister is MUCH easier going than the rest of the family, the only one who I think actually likes me! She was playing with my son and the works!

 

I would wait a long time before I let her dad meet my son! I wouldn’t stand for him being rude to him or in front of him so I’d have to know he was going to be alright before I let them meet!

 

 

Wow!!

I always find it funny going cause no one would bat an eyelid if the genders were reversed!

[MrDuck]

She confessed to me today she's had a bit of a blow out with her dad about me&her/us, he's not happy, and their not really speaking.

 

I feel terrible! I'd never want to split a family!

 

But this isnt the first time her dads acted like this.. He and her sister didnt speak for about 8 months when she decided to become an actress, and not something 'more academic' as he would have liked!! So I dont know really how much it is for me to get involved in their family dynamic!