Jump to content

Her parents don't think I'm good enough AND it's the same old story over and over


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

Me, I'm 26, I have son who will be 9 in November, I'm a sole parent, I've raised him by myself. I'll cut to the chase of it, grew up dirt poor, barely went to school, my dad was a Irish traveller, and a drunk, my mum died when i was a kid. Left home at 16, went and travelled the world. Settled in Africa for a while, worked on a game reserve. Back in the UK now, I work with rescue dogs. I like surfing and rugby, I hate Ice cream and queuing for things!

 

And then I met her: I'm mad about her. I think i've only actually been in love once before now but that started like slow burning thing, we got close over years of working together! This is totally different. We met, and she was shy, quiet, but there was just something about her, I wanted her to like me, I cared what she thought. She thought I was funny, and everytime she laughed it made me so happy - It still does!

You know when you just want to be around someone all the time, you like them but you don't admit how much, but you kind of know that they like you too. As I got to know her more I just liked her more, we just got on so well, its like we'd never run out of stuff to talk about.

I started giving her lifts home from where she worked, which was like a 15 min car journey, and i'd be looking forward to that time all day! This girl that was so quiet when i met her would just talk my ear off the whole way home and we'd end up sat in my car outsider her house for another 30mins!

 

We've been a 'official couple' for 3 months!

She's 23, she works as a commercial solicitor for a big firm, went to a fancy private secondary school, she has a law degree, her parents are divorced but she still lives at home with her mum and her house is like the nicest house i've ever been in.

I don't believe in leagues, or being out of someones league, but fact is when you look around - girls like her don't normally date guys like me.

 

Which I guess is where my issue comes in - her parents don't approve of me!! Her mum tolerates me, but she'll look down at me a little, I know shes told her that she could do better.

Her dad I met for the first time this weekend! He did not approve! I went out before and bought some chambray shirt from topman, like that would make him like me more than if i turned up in ankara, but then i sat there at dinner and felt like such an idiot cause I could buy all the shirts in the world, and i could comb my hair and dress up like one of those country club boys and i still he wouldnt think i was good enough!

 

And I wouldnt care because I love her, and I feel so good about us, except for the fact that its just the same out story over and over, my exs family had reservations about me from the second they heard anything about my past!

What's a guy meant to do you know? I've tried so hard, ive fought so hard, to turn my life around, to make a better life for my son and yet people are always going to look at me and see me for my 'gypsy' blood, my teenage mistakes, my nomad years.

 

I don't know, I just needed to rant, it just gets to me sometimes, especially because i really really really like her, hell I love her and I don't want to do anything to screw it up. I don't know what it is, why parents never seem to approve of me. I feel like all i can do is look after her and our realtionship and hope that in time they;ll come around!

Posted

I'm sorry MrDuck - it's so unfair. It's not so much about leagues - but rather the British class system. Something they have quite a reputation for. Snobbery at it's finest.

 

On the positive, their daughter doesn't seem to have inherited their snobbery and can see you for the good man you are. I have no advice except to stay polite, work hard and treat their daughter well - hopefully they will come around in time.

  • Like 1
Posted

You had a rough life & still managed to keep it together. Good for you!

 

Few parents ever think anybody is good enough for their precious daughter When that daughter is a high achiever it is even harder for parents to see past the degrees & pedigrees you don't have. All you can do is keep your cool & show them that you are an honorable man, a loving father & somebody who is more likely to take care of their daughter in all the ways that matter even if not financially.

  • Like 1
Posted

Hi Mr Duck-Sorry to hear about your current situation. As already mentioned the fact your girlfriend appears to think differently is a good thing. Ultimately it all depends on how influenced she is by her parents' wishes.

 

I remember your other posts about your last girlfriend. Just out of interest, what happened there and did you manage to get the sexual side of things sorted out once and for all? Why did it end? No wish to derail thread, of course!

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
I'm sorry MrDuck - it's so unfair. It's not so much about leagues - but rather the British class system. Something they have quite a reputation for. Snobbery at it's finest.

Mmm yeah I guess! So incredibly hard to breakdown those kind of walls though

 

On the positive, their daughter doesn't seem to have inherited their snobbery and can see you for the good man you are.
Ah no not at all! She's so grounded and down to earth, and so humble!!

 

When we were driving home after seeing her dad i was in a bit of a bad mood, cause I don't normally let stuff like that get to me (its nothing I haven't heard before) but I'm really have such a great feeling about her, and I'm fed up of the same old problem, and I maybe allowed myself 10 mins of self pity!

I was like 'ah its true though, I'm not good enough for you' (I don't actually think that, I actually think that we're really great together, but it's never nice to hear someone pull on all those little irrational fears at the back of your head and fire them at you like they're the truth).

But she was straight away like 'yes you are' 'you are - don't be ridiculous - don't even say it', she was like 'you could say i'm not good enough for you, you've done so much you've got all these life experiences and what have I done, I'm the underachieving baby of the family'.

Of course she's anything but underachieving but - point made, she shut me up!

 

 

You had a rough life & still managed to keep it together. Good for you!

 

Few parents ever think anybody is good enough for their precious daughter When that daughter is a high achiever it is even harder for parents to see past the degrees & pedigrees you don't have. All you can do is keep your cool & show them that you are an honorable man, a loving father & somebody who is more likely to take care of their daughter in all the ways that matter even if not financially.

Thank you.

Yeah totally, totally, and i get that, i'm a parent - i can understand! Thing is like none of us choose our families, you're just dealt a hand and you play it as best you can, that's all i've ever done, it's not like i'm a terrible person!

I actually put so much importance on family, i didnt have one growing up so i think people are so lucky when they have a family that care about them, so I hate the feeling of being a point of tension between someone and their family, especially when its someone I love!

 

Ultimately it all depends on how influenced she is by her parents' wishes.

I guess theres nothing i can do but hope for the best is there!

 

I remember your other posts about your last girlfriend. Just out of interest, what happened there and did you manage to get the sexual side of things sorted out once and for all? Why did it end? No wish to derail thread, of course!

Yeah we did. We split up for a lot of reasons really.. her parents weren't that approving of me (which is another reason this current situation hits me so hard) and I just found it hard with her, I chased and I chased, I put everything in and I know she gave me lots back but she showed her love so infrequently that in the end I found it hard, I felt like we got close, and then it was 10 steps back. Then she pulled back tons when her family weren't keen and that felt like more distance between us. We went on holiday and it was sort of a mutual decision while we were out there that it just wasn't working.

 

Without badmouthing my ex at all!! I notice it so much with my girlfriend now like yeah we have that banter I love and she'll tease me but she'll also just say nice things to me.. 'you look nice', 'that's so kind of you, i really appreciate it', 'you're really good at xyz' - and it feels so nice! For someone you really like - for someone you love - to openly say lovely things about you.. it's nice!

I don't mean my ex didn't say nice things but I don't know, yeah I used to take home girls in bars but when it came to girlfriends ive ALWAYS gone for hard-to-get, aloof, keep-me-on-my-toes 'type', but with my girlfriend now like I actually feel like she really likes me. In the past thats put me off a little but with her like, it just makes me like her even more! She'll tease me and i still think thats mad sexy but she'll say something nice and it's like 'butterflies' (if that doesnt make me sound too soft haha).

  • Author
Posted

Its just with my last relationship starting to fall apart as soon as her folks didnt approve, like, i can't help but be mad scared history will repeat!

Posted

It’s not fair, and I can appreciate it’s not nice to be in your position, of course you’re feeling concerned after being in the same senario in your last relationship and that not working out.

 

However, a lot of this is on your girlfriend. You can’t make someone like you, you shouldn’t have to make someone like you, as long as you are treating her well, making her happy, then it’s on your girlfriend to either convince them to be more accepting of you, or decide wether or not their lack of acceptance is going to be an issue for her! I don’t really see there’s much YOU can do about it.

 

How is your girlfriend? Does she seem concerned by her parents reaction? Or surprised? Is she close with her parents? She’s the baby of the family you say, so she has siblings? Are they partnered up? Have you met them?

 

What about her wider circle? Friends, colleagues, etc have you met them?

  • Like 1
Posted
Its just with my last relationship starting to fall apart as soon as her folks didnt approve, like, i can't help but be mad scared history will repeat!

 

How old is she? What are her 5 and 10 year goals? To keep living with her parents?

 

Seems if she's got all that going on that you say you do, it's time for her to make a move out of her parents' home and go live on her own.

 

They're seeing her and treating her like a child--and if she's living at home rent free, then that's pretty much how she's feeding into their perception. When she's on her own, she's an adult whose live can't be ordered about because she's not living off of their dime.

 

I think you should keep doing what you're doing, but you should begin observing just how impacted your girlfriend is by what her parents say---is it enough for her to stop seeing you? If so, then you don't want someone who is still running their relationships past any committees. What is she prepared to do if they do not respect your relationship?

 

Someone who's lived across the globe and has depended upon himself solely while raising a child might not be compatible with a coddle girl who hasn't ever left the comfort of her childhood home.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

Tough call , she sounds like a damn nice chick too.

lf it's any consolation the parents never liked me much either.

Even my wifes parents . And to make it even harder l didn't like them much either.

 

You can choose your partner as they say but the rest, we don't get a say.

keep seeing her if you guys want to, that's what l did. Try to keep the peace and respect.

lt's hard for her but she sounds like she's got what it takes , try to be as supportive for her as you can , although l know it hurts but it's only been 3mths. Early days.

Things might work out they might not so l'd try to keep the peace if you love her and see how things go.

 

They might improve or at least tolerate you, mine did haha.

With me from what l could understand it was usually a trust thing so in time when they see your gonna look after her and treat her good and stick around, they often at least accept it and you all just go on tolerating each other.

But eh , ya get to keep your girl.

 

Good luck anyway.

Edited by Chilli
  • Like 1
Posted

Take a look at it from their perspective....wouldn't you be protective of your daughter if she was dating someone that is "out of her league"? You would worry too? It's just the way parents are. They want the best for them, especially when they have such high hopes for success. They have made a big investment in her, and they are afraid she doesn't have the best judgment in their eyes. But fear not. She's an adult, she can make her own decisions. That's why she has no fear in introducing you to her parents. She knows how they are going to feel about you, but she was hoping they would see what she sees in you. If I were you, I would keep positive, and take strides (not wearing fancy clothes) in improving things in your life. Nothing wrong with going to night school, getting a better education that would open other doors for you and for your son. Maybe their attitude with give you some influence to take on new challenges. Make something of it, rather than letting it get you down.

  • Author
Posted
However, a lot of this is on your girlfriend. You can’t make someone like you, you shouldn’t have to make someone like you, as long as you are treating her well, making her happy, then it’s on your girlfriend to either convince them to be more accepting of you, or decide wether or not their lack of acceptance is going to be an issue for her! I don’t really see there’s much YOU can do about it.

I do understand that, it just always feels a bit ***** to know you are the reason someone else is dealing with all that!

I'm not an insecure guy, i'm really not, but everyone has little insecurities, it's part of being human and when someone else lays all those things out as reasons that you're not good enough to be with the girl you love, it's just a bit of a kicker!

 

How is your girlfriend? Does she seem concerned by her parents reaction? Or surprised?
No she doesn't. She was a bit p!ssed off, more so with her dad cause she thought he was rude to me and she didnt like it.

Is she close with her parents?

Fairly close with her mum yeah, less so with her dad but he still payed for her school and uni and everything.

She’s the baby of the family you say, so she has siblings? Are they partnered up? Have you met them?

Two sisters, and yeah. He eldest sister is so brainy, she works in like paediatric neurology, she's single. Her other sisters in the West End, she's an actress, she actually worked on the Harry Potter films when she was a kid which is pretty cool, (I like this sister, she was BY FAR the most welcoming of me, called me a 'maverick'), she's engaged to a fella deos some sort of investment type thing in the city, I don't really know, but their parents like and approve of him.

What about her wider circle? Friends, colleagues, etc have you met them?

Yeah, I've met her best friend, I think she's great, they went to primary school together so shes just from this normal working class family, but shes one of five siblings and me and my gf went to a party at their house which was super nice, they were all really friendly and it felt easy.

Colleagues, no, but she doesn't really hang out with them outside of work. I gave one a lift to the station one time

  • Author
Posted (edited)
How old is she? What are her 5 and 10 year goals? To keep living with her parents?

Seems if she's got all that going on that you say you do, it's time for her to make a move out of her parents' home and go live on her own.

She's 23. She was at uni in Edinburgh till 21 and then worked an internship for a year so she said it wasn't the right time for her move out as as he didn't know where she'd end up working after that. She's bringing in a good wage now so I think she does intend to move out soon, but I don't think she was in a massive rush, it's just her and her mum in this huge house!

 

They're seeing her and treating her like a child--and if she's living at home rent free, then that's pretty much how she's feeding into their perception. When she's on her own, she's an adult whose live can't be ordered about because she's not living off of their dime.

Yeah true, makes sense!

 

I think you should keep doing what you're doing, but you should begin observing just how impacted your girlfriend is by what her parents say---is it enough for her to stop seeing you?

So, anything in particular i should watch for?

What is she prepared to do if they do not respect your relationship?

You think i should ask her?

 

Someone who's lived across the globe and has depended upon himself solely while raising a child might not be compatible with a coddle girl who hasn't ever left the comfort of her childhood home.

Well, this is her point, shes like 'if any one's punching out their league its me not you' :rolleyes::lmao:

But I'm mad about her! She could be a spoilt, entitled, princess and she is ANYTHING but! Shes so easy going, and humble, and kind!

 

__________________________

 

And to make it even harder l didn't like them much either.

Is it funny that this literally hasn't crossed my mind? I haven't considered if I like them. They are just her mum and dad, the only thing i've thought about them is like a respect for the fact their her parents, i've never really though about them as characters outside of that!

 

lt's hard for her but she sounds like she's got what it takes , try to be as supportive for her as you can , although l know it hurts but it's only been 3mths. Early days.

Yeah true! Im probably projecting a bit because of my exs parents as well! It has only been 3 months, they havent had long to get used to the idea that we are serious!

Things might work out they might not so l'd try to keep the peace if you love her and see how things go.

 

With me from what l could understand it was usually a trust thing so in time when they see your gonna look after her and treat her good and stick around, they often at least accept it and you all just go on tolerating each other.

Maybe yeah! I think with her dad for definite he thinks I;m not from the right background, maybe maybe i could win her mum over, I don't know. She at least isnt out and out rude to me.

 

But eh , ya get to keep your girl..

:D Thanks man

Edited by MrDuck
  • Author
Posted
Take a look at it from their perspective....wouldn't you be protective of your daughter if she was dating someone that is "out of her league"? You would worry too? It's just the way parents are. They want the best for them, especially when they have such high hopes for success.

Yes, I mean im a parent, so i get that! But I guess we all have different definitions of success!

I actually feel quite successful! I know growing up people thought I'd probably end up up drunk, broke, in trouble whatever, but they were wrong, im self sufficient, i got a job i love, ive seen the world - ive made a difference, and i have a gorgeous, brave, funny little boy that im proud to call my son! I don't need a fancy degree, that's my success!

But fear not. She's an adult, she can make her own decisions. That's why she has no fear in introducing you to her parents. She knows how they are going to feel about you, but she was hoping they would see what she sees in you.

Yeah that is true i guess!!

If I were you, I would keep positive, and take strides (not wearing fancy clothes) in improving things in your life. Nothing wrong with going to night school, getting a better education that would open other doors for you and for your son. Maybe their attitude with give you some influence to take on new challenges. Make something of it, rather than letting it get you down.

I guess, I just feel like.. that's not me, and, in a perfect world, I shouldn't need to do that or have a piece of paper to be deemed good enough to be in love with someone, if you feel me? BUT I'm very aware that we don't live in a perfect world and Im aware how they see me!

Posted

I come from nothing, and while I've had relationships with men from upper-crust families, it's often an issue that someone in his family sees me as beneath him because of my background. The only way it has worked is if he doesn't let their preferences rule his life - which, honestly, is very rare.

 

If the family continues to bristle and your girlfriend lets it get to her, this isn't likely to work out. It really depends on your girlfriend and how determined she is to be with you, or not.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
So, anything in particular i should watch for?

 

Watch for her changes in mood after talking to her mom; watch for her not inviting you to do things with her or changing plans at the last minute.

 

You think i should ask her?

 

Yes... because you knowing what's up is fair

 

Well, this is her point, shes like 'if any one's punching out their league its me not you'

But I'm mad about her! She could be a spoilt, entitled, princess and she is ANYTHING but! Shes so easy going, and humble, and kind!

 

And still very guided and under the thumb of her mother to the point with no real, concrete plan for getting out from under it. Complaining isn't action.

 

Does she take your concerns seriously enough for her to make a step in your direction or is she just waffling?

 

I shouldn't need to do that or have a piece of paper to be deemed good enough to be in love with someone,

 

True, but to the people whose opinion she's holding in highest regard, you do---and that's the gauntlet you have to run if you insist on being with her. If she's not checking them when they talk out of line about you and telling them if they don't stop she's cutting them out of her life, then that is your main problem. They're going to think whatever the hell they want to think about you---whose opinion really matters is hers without influence from any of the people who have issues with your past.

Edited by kendahke
  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
The only way it has worked is if he doesn't let their preferences rule his life - which, honestly, is very rare.

Yeah I can believe that! Most people are sheep after all!

 

If the family continues to bristle and your girlfriend lets it get to her, this isn't likely to work out. It really depends on your girlfriend and how determined she is to be with you, or not.

Yeah I guess that is the truth, Its hard to just sit and wait though isn't it! I've been so self sufficient since i was about 8, i just find it all a bit weird to have no control over a situation - there's nothing i can really do but wait and see what she feels about it!

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Watch for her changes in mood after talking to her mom; watch for her not inviting you to do things with her or changing plans at the last minute.

Yeah okay!

She definitely still seems to want me around her mum and to so things with them as a family. She waited to introduce me to her dad, I think she knew he'd be funny about it and she was p!ssed off after!

 

Yes... because you knowing what's up is fair

I don't want to be controlling though, I'm not controlling!

 

Does she take your concerns seriously enough for her to make a step in your direction or is she just waffling?

I haven't really aired it as a major concern! like we've spoken about it but she's always very solid and certain that it's not a problem, they are wrong, and she counts herself lucky with me.

Thing is I do know that Im probably more concerned because ive been in this situation before and its ended badly for me before, and its hard not to feel like history is repeating.

I think she wants to move out but she's having the whole to buy or to rent debate.

 

True, but to the people whose opinion she's holding in highest regard, you do---and that's the gauntlet you have to run if you insist on being with her. If she's not checking them when they talk out of line about you and telling them if they don't stop she's cutting them out of her life, then that is your main problem. They're going to think whatever the hell they want to think about you---whose opinion really matters is hers without influence from any of the people who have issues with your past.

Its hard for me because I havent had a family, ive never like experienced that dynamic so I think i do struggle to know like, where the lines lay in a family relationship if that makes sense.

I would never want someone to lose contact with an otherwise loving family because of me, i'd hate that because, i actually think they super lucky to have that family!

Like i say, ive never even considered if I like her family, to me they are just her family, Ive never thought about how i feel about them.

 

I think as well i have always taken 'people' as easy come, easy go. I've had to live like that.. the only permanent person in my life has been my son! I'm (normally) good at making friends, and contacts, but I never really get attached. So when i do really feel something and feel so connected to someone, like its a big deal to me, it doesn't happen very much. Especially with my gf, i felt so connected to her so quickly, and I think the only time i've ever felt like that before is with my sons mother, so like, my heart is involved now, I feel like me and her have potential to be something special!

Posted

You said she is a commercial lawyer for a big firm. She didn't get there by being a push over. Presumably she knows her own mind & knows what buttons to push with her parents.

 

You just stay out of it & be the good guy that you are. She will make sure her parents see the evidence of your good character. Trust her.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)

Which I guess is where my issue comes in - her parents don't approve of me!! Her mum tolerates me, but she'll look down at me a little, I know shes told her that she could do better.

Her dad I met for the first time this weekend! He did not approve! I went out before and bought some chambray shirt from topman, like that would make him like me more than if i turned up in ankara, but then i sat there at dinner and felt like such an idiot cause I could buy all the shirts in the world, and i could comb my hair and dress up like one of those country club boys and i still he wouldnt think i was good enough!

 

And I wouldnt care because I love her, and I feel so good about us, except for the fact that its just the same out story over and over, my exs family had reservations about me from the second they heard anything about my past!

What's a guy meant to do you know? I've tried so hard, ive fought so hard, to turn my life around, to make a better life for my son and yet people are always going to look at me and see me for my 'gypsy' blood, my teenage mistakes, my nomad years.

 

I don't know, I just needed to rant, it just gets to me sometimes, especially because i really really really like her, hell I love her and I don't want to do anything to screw it up. I don't know what it is, why parents never seem to approve of me. I feel like all i can do is look after her and our realtionship and hope that in time they;ll come around!

 

You can be with her and you can be happy. Remember her parents are not with you when your dating her. That's all you have to know and deal with. You are not there to please her parent and they will say and do what they want and you can't say otherwise because you are not their kid. You have your life and she has her's. If she likes you enough then you are set.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 1
Posted

This girl is still young but a high achiever. Her family aside, you have to think about how you’re going to provide for her and your kids if the two of you have them. She may be fine with you right now but if you guys have children she is likely to resent having to work instead of being able to be there for her kids.

 

When I was young, I didn’t give a thought about how much money a guy made. But what I should’ve paid attention to was what his potential was for providing for his family. Because when I had the kid, I truly resented having to be stressed about working. Your gf isn’t used to not having things and not used to having to struggle financially. I think you can resolve that problem fairly easily because you seem very resilient and creative. Focus on doing something that’s going to allow you to make a good living so that you and this girl don’t split up because of money issues.

 

You know, it’s really nice to get on a soapbox about how money doesn’t matter and all that but when it comes down to it, money is a huge deal and trying to pretend it doesn’t matter is like putting your head in the sand.

  • Like 3
Posted
Her other sisters in the West End, she's an actress, she actually worked on the Harry Potter films when she was a kid which is pretty cool

Wow! I’d be fan furling so hard asking her all sorts of questions! Love those movies haha!

 

On a serious not I think it’s good that she wants you to meet her family and her friends, she isn’t hiding your relationship, she seems proud of it, she wants the important people in her life to see you as a couple!

 

Your description of this girl is of someone very down to earth. She hangs out with her primary school friends not her work colleagues, she doesn’t consider herself a high achiever, quiet until she feels comfortable. She’s not like her parents ( by your description). So have you considered the fact that she LIKES that you are not what her parents would choose?

She may have dated someone that conformed all those things and know not that is nkt what she needs in a relationship!

 

You have to trust her!

 

Else what relationship do you really have the the first place!

  • Like 1
Posted

How are you making a living with rescue dogs? Everyone I know who does it is dead broke because they put all their money into saving them, which I admire, but if you are barely scraping by and their daughter is going to be an attorney, there is a big difference in ability to provide there.

  • Like 1
Posted

Love means more than money any day! he can save in the end but what matters is they do!

Posted

Remember OP, it might not be all about money! You’ve don’t a lot in a short space of years in your adult life, you’ve had a son, you’ve moved around lots. If they are people that have lead live very much about stability and structure then they may simply be worried that their daughter is going to get hurt!

 

If they know that she really likes you they might be worried that you have potential to be flakey maybe!

×
×
  • Create New...