Break up after 5 years - alcohol abuse

[Star-ex]

I just broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years. We are both 45 years old. We both have children from previous relationships. My older one and her youngest are diagnosed with disorders. She is a widdow and lost her husband about 6 years ago. According to her it was a very extreme relationship in many ways, it was exciting and adventurous the first few years but ended up in violence. They were on there way to get divorced when her husband committed suicide. After this she has battled with depression and anxiety.

I was sober when we met again (we knew each other since high school) 5 years ago and stayed sober for the first one and a half year with her (I was sober in total for two and a half year). She was sober for the first 3 months or so of our relationship.

During the time I was sober with her (2013 to mid 2014) she drank very much. There were alot of difficult times. Despite of getting the advice from a lot of people around me (close friends, family and sponsor), that I should end the relationship due to the drinking and associated problems, I decided to continue the relationship in the hope that she would see what was happening and stop the drinking. Her parents and children have been worried about her drinking, but not had any progress by talking to her about it. Only in a few instances over these 5 years has she been willing to admit that the alcohol is a problem or at least do anything serious about it.

Her situation has been that she does not get much help with her children, especially her youngest one who is very challenging. The relationship with her family has been difficult. As sometimes happens when people have children with disorders, she has become very isolated. Only last spring she started to receive family support with her son but that support has not been very dependable.

I‘ve always been very clear about the fact that I do not want my children (or other children for that matter) to grow up in a home with heavy drinking and related issues. I experienced that myself as a young boy and I don‘t want to make those same horrible memories for my kids. I rarely touch alcohol when I have my kids and eventhough I haven‘t managed stop drinking again entirely I have a different relationship with alcohol then I did before and my aim is still to quit.

Since 2014 I‘ve been trying to get back to my sober ways of living. My girlfriend was more or less negative in regard to a sober lifestyle for the first 2-3 years and has not had many weeks of sobriety. I‘ve had some sober time (a few weeks here and there, 1 to 3 months a few times) from the fall of 2014. We‘ve broken up probably 5 times during these 5 years, in most cases related to her heavy alcohol consumption and related matters. In the worst periods she was getting heavily drunk 3-4 times a week and often got drunk at least 1-2 times a week.

My ex started very soon in our relationship talking about living together. The two main reasons I was not ready for that was the alcohol problem and then the fact that our two boys did not get along. Having both of them with us at the same time, e.g. during visits to each other felt like being in a constant state of war. This was the case for the first 2-3 years of our relationship.

We‘ve had many discussions over the 5 years about living together. And I‘ve always been honest about the fact that I don‘t want to have my children (or other children) living in a home were one or both of the parents is drinking heavily.

From the time I started dating my ex, there have always been a lot a of men around her. Most of the men that I‘m refering to are men that she has met somehow and somwhere in relation to alcohol, sometimes work related or simply at bars. Some have come home with her or she has gone home with them and often other people from the bar. This has happened both during week days and weekends. In some cases she has not come home on a weekday until in the morning after I have sent her children to school and left for work myself. Some of these men she has gotten to know in the periods when we have broken up. Some are her drinking buddies and don‘t really do anything else than drink and take drugs.

Less than a year ago I noticed that she had started taking amphetamines and cocain. I noticed that as she had stopped getting excessively drunk and was staying up the whole night. I don‘t have a history of such substances but as I was quite the party person (alcohol and sometimes marijuana) in my years 20 – 35, I have friends that used these substances. I‘ve seen the problems they have had and heard the stories through rehab and AA. Using e.g. amphetamines to „control“ alcohol consumption only pronlongs and icreases the addiction problem.

The last month leading up to our brakeup was very extreme in my opinion. She would get drunk and use other substances 2-3 nights a week. The week I was with my boys she was hiding from me that she was meeting, drinking and doing drugs with other people mainly men. She was hiding from me the fact that she was drinking with e.g. one man, that happened to provide her with some drugs. She had already introduced him to me as a person that was helping her with some things and that she was helping him back with some property matters in return. But then it turned out that he was also and probably mainly her drug dealer / provider. And that they had formed some sort of a drug related „friendship“ and he was giving her a lot of drugs for free. I‘ve never heard of anybody wanting to give alot of drugs to someone of the opposite sex, without wanting to get somehting in return.

About a week ago I got a phone call from one of her drinking buddies. He told me that she was drinking and doing a lot more of drugs than I knew about. I knew she was hiding things from me, but not to what extent. He told me about her relationship with the drug dealer and that they had met e.g. at his place two or three times (she e.g. lied to me about this). That this guy had stayed over night at her place (a week that I have my boys at my aparmtment). And finally that she had cheated on me last spring with another guy, that is also a drugdealer. He told me that another drinking buddy of theirs was present when she told them about the affair (I called him later and he confirmed the story). When I got the phone call I was on my way abroad with my older one to visit my sister. I was at the airport. I just fell completely numb.

The day after we arrived at my sisters place I called my girlfriend. She noticed that there was something wrong and asked me if everything was ok. I told her about the phone call that I received, but I didn‘t tell her who called me. Her reaction was to deny everything, saying that the caller was just lying. All her focus was on who the caller was. As she said, „somebody is trying to hurt me by distributing false stories about me and I have to stop that“. She did not seem very much bothered about assuring me that these stories were wrong.

We had a few conversations and arguments the following two days (phone calls, sms, messenger). I was trying to get some answers, trying to get a clearer picture of what had been happening. The guy that called me had told me alot of things that I had written down. My girlfriend (at the time) confirmed a lot of things that the guy told me. She seemed to have a bad recollection of some of things especially in regard to the drug dealer who has been supplying her with and actually giving her drugs (no wonder she had a bad recollection taking into the count number of sleepless day drinking and doing drugs!). There was however one thing that she totally denied and that was cheating on me with anybody else. Her main interest was to know who had called me. She didn‘t really try to provide me with any explanation, probably because she couldn‘t explain anything. She wanted me to try to „enjoy“ my visit to my sister and we would talk when I got back home.

I just gave up in the end during the vacation. I just couldn‘t tolerate this anymore. All the half truths, not telling the truth, the white lies and all the other lies. The disapearing until the next morning and many times not getting any kind of a real answer or explanation.

I came home 1 week ago and I‘ve only spoken to her twice since. In our first conversation a week ago I just said that it was pretty obvious that our relationship was over. She agreed but with hesitation and did not try to provide any explanation or anything. She called during the weekend. I wasn‘t sure if I should answer. Her voices sounded broken, but we did not discuss anything. I don‘t know if I want to talk about it any more. I‘m not sure what we should talk about or if it would have any value of any sort. I felt the time to talk was when I called her during my vacation to tell her about the phone call and asked her what was going on. A few weeks prior to my vacation I was asking her about the drug dealer, but I didn‘t get any sort of answer or description of the relationship that I could understand. That e.g. was a time to talk.

I feel very numb about it all. I am also a bit sad, but more just numb. I‘m sad due to the fact that when I met her 5 years ago, the first year or so I actually thought that she was the love of my life, that we would make it despite of having a „big package“ (many children, two with disorders, having lost her husband and the drinking problem both of us was dealing with). She has so many good attributes, beautiful, clever, in many way kind, etc. But I am also in some strange way reliefed. That is a strange mixture of feelings because I also miss her.

Reading this over I am a bit shocked at what has been going on in my life for the past 5 years, that I let my life get so much out of control and that I have put up with it so long. I definitely don‘t deserve this. I‘m glad that I never gave in about starting to live together. That would have been a total disaster for everybody, especially the kids.

I just needed to vent about this and stumbled upon this forum.

Thanks for „listening“ if anybody had the endurance read this.

[preraph]

I'm sorry. You're trying to get sober, and she's trying to get less sober by the minute. Obviously, you need to keep her away from your kids and not her influence them. You need to stay sober, and I don't see how you can stay sober and still be around her. So you have a decision to make. I hope you have considered getting the support of AA. They would tell you you often have to leave your friends behind to get and stay sober. But they give you a new support system. If you haven't tried it, at least try it. It can fill a void while you're doing this and make it easier to let go. Doesn't sound like she has any interest in sobriety. Good luck.

[Willy123456]

Hello there,

I've read all of these. Honestly, decided to write because understood that people can have a little similar problem as I do.

I was a heavy smoker. My boyfriend was too. Of course, we drank also. A few years passed, then one moment I've realized that my life is awful. I want to have a good family, a caring husband, happy children.

I started talking to him first. TRying to explain that such life can't last forever. He just laughed at me and proposed a cigarette. I rejected.

The next day I went to the doctor and said that I wanted to quit smoking and drinking and then give birth to a BABY.

I was struggling with that, but nothing helped. Of course, I was trying to persuade him to join me. But he didn't want even to listen to me. I didn't want to split up with him. I loved him.

I found work because needed something to devote my free time. Was working as a waitress.

There I got acquainted with a good person. She recommended me to try vaping. I didn't believe that such a thing can help. But she proved that on her own experience.

Not to feel so depressed, I vaped a little and that helped. That was of course not so often as I smoked cigarettes or marijuana. And of course I consulted my doctor and he agreed for such experiment.

I still wanted to have more info. I've read all possible articles, researches.

Found good info on Vapingdaily. Almost everything I needed to know about vaping I found there.

And guess what?

In a few weeks, I got to know that was pregnant. I was absolutely disappointed. My boyfriend didn't want to continue such life with me.

So I've decided to leave him. Maybe he was my biggest and most serious bad habit.

Now I'm leaving alone and waiting for my baby. Yes, I'm visiting doctors regularly to be sure that baby is safe.

Here's my story.

Not sure if you would like to read it but at least I feel better after sharing it.