LawGal Posted August 27, 2018 Posted August 27, 2018 I need some advice on whether I'm doing the right thing for myself in breaking up. I (27 y/o female) have been dating my bf for 8 months. He is 32, makes a great salary, but chooses to live with his mom so that he can save for future potential children and house. He doesn't cook for himself or buy groceries at all; his mom takes care of this. I believe the other reason he lives at home is that it helps with his mental illness. He has a long history of anxiety and depression -- he had symptoms as early as 11, and was formally diagnosed in his early 20s. He keeps it under control through therapy and medicine, and is very diligent with the methods he's developed to cope. I have never held this history against him (I've certainly gone through rough times and can empathize). I believe living with his mother has greatly helped, giving him someone to talk to/provide emotional support. The problem is that his mom is the main source of support; many times I only hear news about his week if he's in conversation with his mom and I happen to be there. I am very aware that I can never replace his mom, and don't want to. I just want to be a little more integrated into his life. When I am over at his/their home, I feel either a) I'm dating his mother half the time or b) I'm the third wheel as he and his mom go deep into their own conversation. His mom tends to ask me more questions about my work/life than he does, which is why I mention it feels like I'm dating her part of the time. She has shown somewhat more curiosity in me, my likes/dislikes, my motivation. It makes me feel deeply unfulfilled in my relationship. I've discussed this with him, but he is not willing to move out anytime soon, and there is no changing the family dynamic. That leaves me with the choice of leaving the relationship to find something that will fulfill my emotional needs. I am very sad - he is extremely smart, witty, and takes pride in his work. But I don't think I can ignore these incompatibilities anymore.
d0nnivain Posted August 27, 2018 Posted August 27, 2018 Are you dating Howard Wallowitz from the Big Bang Theory? He'll never cut the apron strings. Knowing that what do you want to do? I submit that especially in law, there are plenty of smart witty men who don't live with their mommies. I mention that field because of your screen name. 3
Gretchen12 Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 Since you are dating his Mom half the time, you actually don't know how bad he can be without his Mom. She is helping him be the man that you like. He has "assisted dating". Without her help, in conversation and otherwise, would you even still like him? The depression thing is not history. It is present. You don't know how bad things can get, you really don't, until you've dated a man going through depression. 1
preraph Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 I think he's with his mom because he's too anxious to make a change and be on his own. Thing is, he isn't a man until he lives on his own like an adult. He's still a little boy and he's probably thinking he just wants to transition from mom over to someone who still coddles him like mom and does everything for him and never tells him no but has sex whenever he wants. I don't see anything good about this situation. He's a little boy still, for all practical purposes. 1
Standard-Fare Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 Imagine your future with this man. In every scenario, his mother would be figuring prominently. He seems like the type who would insist on living on the same block as her for the rest of his life. Or, if he did manage to create more separation, you can guess it'd be against his will and both he and the mother would "resent" you for it. He's not showing you that he's capable of or willing to make any transitions that would be necessary for you two to start building a real future together. So what choice do you have, really, but to call it quits? At 32, he's not going to find many women who will tolerate his living arrangement and all of the emotional baggage that comes with it. You've put up with a lot already, you've seen what you needed to see, and sadly there is no choice now but to walk away. I hope you can explain this to him kindly—yet clearly. Because it sounds like he'll be losing a lot with this breakup. Possibly his last real chance at independence. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 Wow, you've lasted eight months. I'm impressed that you lasted that long. So this guy (and his mom?) must have some good qualities for you to stay that long.
Beachead Posted August 30, 2018 Posted August 30, 2018 (edited) Have you spoken to him about how you feel in the way that you have on here? I'd do this first. See what says and see what he does and based on that, make a decision. - Beach Edited August 30, 2018 by Beachead
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