3 dates with guy that's going great but I'm having major anxiety and scared??

August 27, 2018

If you read my previous thread I'm online dating.

I decided to move on to a different platform and used OkCupid.

Less than 24 hours of creating account guys message me. One guy messaged me and I message him back. We exchanged about 3-4 messages and he gave me his number. So we text and he's really cool. He invites me on a date a day or two after.

So we go on a date and I was having second thoughts. I thought I wasn't going to be attracted to him but I decided to go through with it. I met him and he's cute! We talked and surprisingly we are VERY similar. The way we think and more. We both don't drink, we both love food and more. He does smoke which I don't agree with but he says he has a condition that helps him with it. He drives a sports car and works for a corporate office. He's 30 years old and I'm 24.

We message each other literally everyday. Over the course of one week we've gone out on 3 dates. I enjoy being around him.

I playfully asked him what he thought of me a day before our 3rd date and he said he really likes me. He likes my personality and how he can be himself around me, etc. I was taken back but I told him I like him too. I asked him if he was looking for quick sex and he said no. I didn't ask him what he was looking for entirely though. After our third date I decided to give him a kiss on the cheek.

I'm feeling nervous because I feel like this is too good to be true. Now I'm not saying he's exactly perfect. There are a few things I can see that would annoyed me later with him(small things). But he literally popped up out of no where and he's my ideal type in everything else. I've never dated an older man with 6 year age Gap. I'm nervous I'll mess this up. I'm not even sure if he really does like me or what his true intent is. I know people say to look at his actions but he literally contacts me everyday and made dates with me constantly. Is this normal or am I being played again?

August 27, 2018

Breathe & stop trying to see into the future. In the beginning, like the first 12 dates, all you need to figure out is whether you want the next date. Don't look further than that. Around the 2-3 month mark you can think about whether you want to sleep with him. Before you hop into bed have a talk about exclusivity.

August 27, 2018

Breathe & stop trying to see into the future. In the beginning, like the first 12 dates, all you need to figure out is whether you want the next date. Don't look further than that. Around the 2-3 month mark you can think about whether you want to sleep with him. Before you hop into bed have a talk about exclusivity.

I know im overthinking a lot. I'm just waiting for the worse like he ghosts me or tells me he isn't interested or he fades out and slowly changes his mind. I noticed he disabled his online dating account so I'm wondering if that's good or bad? Not sure.

I did ask him to see another movie in a week. I'm hoping that's enough space inbetween seeing each other. Since we literally saw each other almost everyday in one week.

I don't have any plans to sleep with him just yet.

August 27, 2018

Him disabling his on line profile is a good sign. Try picturing things going well but don't give away your heart just yet

August 27, 2018

I didn't ask him what he was looking for entirely though. -- Get that question answered the next time you meet. You don't ask him anything. You make a statement about what you are looking for out of your dating journey overall, not about expectations for this scenario. If he says he's looking for serious, long-term, then you sit back and observe whether he dates you that way and is meeting your early dating needs. If he says he just dating casually, then you aren't on the same page to start with.

August 27, 2018

We message each other literally everyday.

Way too much. Should be once a week and the content of the conversation should be to set the next date.

Over the course of one week we've gone out on 3 dates. I enjoy being around him.

Too often at this early stage.

I was taken back but I told him I like him too. I asked him if he was looking for quick sex and he said no.

Every guy is going to say that,...no matter what the truth is.

but he literally contacts me everyday and made dates with me constantly.

Making the dates is good. The constant contact is not. The phone is for setting dates, not for visiting or "getting to know" someone.

You need much more down time between the dates (without the messaging) so that you can emotionally process the times that you are together with "hind sight". You can not process things "in the moment", it has to happen in the down time in between. If you don't get that you will become emotionally confused,...and it seems like that is exactly what you are doing.

Unfortunately trying to correct that after you have already established and accepted a bad habit will cause any insecurities in him to come to the surface in a more powerful and destructive way then it would have been if things were kept on keel from the start. If would do the same thing to you if he was the one that slowed it down. You would both be one here asking, "Did they lose interest!?! I don't understand! what is happening?"

Edited August 27, 2018 by PRW

August 27, 2018

I think it’s important to change your mindset to one in which YOU are still deciding whether or not he’s the one for you. It’s not just up to him to make that decision. He has to “woo” you too and shouldn’t be feeling overconfident himself. It goes both ways. Consciously giving yourself that power will lessen the anxiety and boost confidence. Stay in observant mode and enjoy the moment rather than looking into the future so soon.

August 27, 2018

Way too much. Should be once a week and the content of the conversation should be to set the next date.

Too often at this early stage.

Every guy is going to say that,...no matter what the truth is.

Making the dates is good. The constant contact is not. The phone is for setting dates, not for visiting or "getting to know" someone.

You need much more down time between the dates (without the messaging) so that you can emotionally process the times that you are together with "hind sight". You can notprocess things "in the moment", it has to happen in the down time in between. If you don't get that you will become emotionally confused,...and it sound like that is exactly what you are down.

Unfortunately trying to correct that after you have already established and accepted a bad habit will cause any insecurities in him to come to the surface in a more powerful and destructive way then it would have been if things were kept on keel from the start. If would do the same thing to you if he was the one that slowed it down. You would both be one here asking, "Did they lose interest!?! I don't understand! what is happening?"

Yeah that's why I set our next date to next week so we can have some in between. I get the whole getting to know each other over text can exhaust. So I usually try to wait until he texts me. That's the thing .. idk if he likes me or was just saying it to say it. I'm getting nervous about that. Yes you're right, because if he doesn't message me today I'll get nervous. But I'm trying this new thing that if he does disappear I'm not chasing or asking why. I'm just going to keep going.

So my question is, how can I make us enjoy the moment more and I take control and be more mysterious?

My plan was to not text as much and be more interactive in person. I wanted to hold his hand next time I see him. I'm the only one intiating any type of kiss so I'm assuming he's shy?

I want to get to the point where I'm not too available and make him want to see me more. I already know what I want and I want to keep this going with him

August 27, 2018

I think it’s important to change your mindset to one in which YOU are still deciding whether or not he’s the one for you. It’s not just up to him to make that decision. He has to “woo” you too and shouldn’t be feeling overconfident himself. It goes both ways. Consciously giving yourself that power will lessen the anxiety and boost confidence. Stay in observant mode and enjoy the moment rather than looking into the future so soon.

Thank you for your answer. Yes that's what I want to do.

He did just text me a good morning text. I want to keep it like this but I don't want to seem like I'm playing a game.

Like your advice I guess I should assume the good always? I already liked how he took initiative to pick me up on 3rd date and plan the others as well. He paid for everything which I'm not used to. I want to plan our next date and show it's 50/50.

August 27, 2018

Yeah that's why I set our next date to next week so we can have some in between. I get the whole getting to know each other over text can exhaust.

Very good. Although he should be the one taking the initiative and setting most of the dates,...but the world is imperfect.

idk if he likes me or was just saying it to say it. I'm getting nervous about that.

Screw the "does he like me?" thing. He's a guy,...he's breathing,...he contacts you at least once a week. He likes you.

Yes you're right, because if he doesn't message me today I'll get nervous.

Knock it off

But I'm trying this new thing that if he does disappear I'm not chasing or asking why. I'm just going to keep going.

Don't try to invent a "game" to play. It is ok for you (or any woman) to chase. It is natural feminine behavor, particularly after around 3-4 weeks have past. It is our screwed up society (and feminism) that says only the guy should chase. The key is to just be reasonable and balanced about it.

So my question is, how can I make us enjoy the moment more and I take control and be more mysterious?

Forget that. It is his job to be in control (the Leader) and be mysterious, while it your job to show up consistently and just have fun. You shouldn't be the decision maker or the planner. If you haven't figured it out yet, it is women that enjoy the mysteries of a guy and try to be little detectives and figure him out,...it's fun. But guys on the other hand are turned off by mysteries and back away from them. If you are "mysterious" we think you are just hiding something and we start to distrust you.

I wanted to hold his hand next time I see him.

Perfectly fine. It is his job to pay attention to those signs and to allow you to do that, then pull away, then come back, [repeatedly] according to what you are feeling at any given moment without thinking "something is wrong".

I'm the only one intiating any type of kiss so I'm assuming he's shy?

He has insecurities [afraid]. Everybody does to a point, you just have to figure out if it is too much or not. This is also why he contacts you so much so soon at the beginning, it is to get validation (aka. your response). THIS IS IMPORTANT, as he gets more comfortable with you (less insecure) he will contact you less because he feels safer and doesn't need as much validation, he just figures, "We'll chat when I see her". This is where the insecure chick freaks out and thinks he is losing interest, which causes the guy to think he is dating some wack job,...and runs away. So keep you act together. He is a guy, if he is breathing, and shows up,...your good.

I want to get to the point where I'm not too available and make him want to see me more. I already know what I want and I want to keep this going with him

Sounds like you've been getting some bad "dating advice for women" on YouTube or something. This is backwards. This works for the guys to use on women. It does NOT work on guys when women do it to them. Here is another "THIS IS IMPORTANT",...everyone has emotions and thinks with emotions to a point, but it is much less so with guys. Guys think more logically, assuming they haven't been over-feminized by society. THEREFORE, from a guys perception...if you ACT uninterested or unavailable, then we are going to CONSIDER you uninterested or unavailable,...and will treat you as such.

But why does the method work on Women?

A guy being less available gives the impression that he is busy, has a life, is a hard worker, is taking on his mission (describe it how you wish). This raises his value in women's eyes because they can feel safe and secure with a guy like that. They can be more sure they aren't going to be living in a refrigerator box and driving a shopping cart and their job won't be holding a cardboard sign at a busy intersection. But a guy will back away and "distrust" a woman that seems "too busy",...and I am a guy telling you that,...and I am not a Noobie with this stuff. I have spent several years studying this stuff in a more serious way than your average guy.

Edited August 27, 2018 by PRW

August 27, 2018

Very good. Although he should be the one taking the initiative and setting most of the dates,...but the world is imperfect.

Screw the "does he like me?" thing. He's a guy,...he's breathing,...he contacts you at least once a week. He likes you.

Knock it off

Don't try to invent a "game" to play. It is ok for you (or any woman) to chase. It is natural feminine behavor, particularly after around 3-4 weeks have past. It is our screwed up society (and feminism) that says only the guy should chase. The key is to just be reasonable and balanced about it.

Forget that. It is his job to be in control (the Leader) and be mysterious, while it your job to show up consistently and just have fun. You shouldn't be the decision maker or the planner. If you haven't figured it out yet, it is women that enjoy the mysteries of a guy and try to be little detectives and figure him out,...it's fun. But guys on the other hand are turned off by mysteries and back away from them. If you are "mysterious" we think you are just hiding something and we start to distrust you.

Perfectly fine. It is his job to pay attention to those signs and to allow you to do that, then pull away, then come back, [repeatedly] according to what you are feeling at any given moment without thinking "something is wrong".

He has insecurities [afraid]. Everybody does to a point, you just have to figure out if it is too much or not. This is also why he contacts you so much so soon at the beginning, it is to get validation (aka. your response). THIS IS IMPORTANT, as he gets more comfortable with you (less insecure) he will contact you less because he feels safer and doesn't need as much validation, he just figures, "We'll chat when I see her". This is where the insecure chick freaks out and thinks he is losing interest, which causes the guy to think he is dating some wack job,...and runs away. So keep you act together. He is a guy, if he is breathing, and shows up,...your good.

Sounds like you've been getting some bad "dating advice for women" on YouTube or something. This is backwards. This works for the guys to use on women. It does NOT work on guys when women do it to them. Here is another "THIS IS IMPORTANT",...everyone has emotions and thinks with emotions to a point, but it is much less so with guys. Guys think more logically, assuming they haven't been over-feminized by society. THEREFORE, from a guys perception...if you ACT uninterested or unavailable, then we are going to CONSIDER you uninterested or unavailable,...and will treat you as such.

But why does the method work on Women?
A guy being less available gives the impression that he is busy, has a life, is a hard worker, is taking on his mission (describe it how you wish). This raises his value in women's eyes because they can feel safe and secure with a guy like that. They can be more sure they aren't going to be living in a refrigerator box and driving a shopping cart and their job won't be holding a cardboard sign at a busy intersection. But a guy will back away and "distrust" a woman that seems "too busy",...and I am a guy telling you that,...and I am not a Noobie with this stuff. I have spent several years studying this stuff in a more serious way than your average guy.

I see. Yeah I just tried to set up to meet him again but he said he's busy... Idk if that's a bad sign or not. He continuously texts me though. I'm feeling worried again.

August 27, 2018

he said he's busy - "A guy being less available gives the impression that he is busy, has a life, is a hard worker, is taking on his mission" You weren't paying attention to PRW

Nevertheless, you made the last effort, let him come back around if he's going to. I'd also say too that if he was really interested and busy for the day you offered, he would have offered an alternate day, time, etc. But, just let it sit for a bit.

Sit back and observe. Be busy with your life so you're not focusing so much on him. You're like a novice fisherman who gets a nibble and wants to "set the hook" too fast Usually, the fish gets away or they hook them in the eye

Respond when he reaches out. But, if he takes more than say a week to arrange another date himself, I'd say this fish is wishy washy at best and you should tell him you've moved on and wish him well.

Edited August 27, 2018 by Redhead14

August 28, 2018

he said he's busy - "A guy being less available gives the impression that he is busy, has a life, is a hard worker, is taking on his mission" You weren't paying attention to PRW

Nevertheless, you made the last effort, let him come back around if he's going to. I'd also say too that if he was really interested and busy for the day you offered, he would have offered an alternate day, time, etc. But, just let it sit for a bit.

Sit back and observe. Be busy with your life so you're not focusing so much on him. You're like a novice fisherman who gets a nibble and wants to "set the hook" too fast Usually, the fish gets away or they hook them in the eye

Respond when he reaches out. But, if he takes more than say a week to arrange another date himself, I'd say this fish is wishy washy at best and you should tell him you've moved on and wish him well.

I messed up. I blew up and became really vulnerable and scared him away. I just felt this huge wave of anxiety hit me just like he stated above. When we text constantly all day everyday I got insecure. But it wasn't just that. The fact we had a third date and no kiss made me feel nervous too but I played it off. I tried to be assertive and do the kiss on a cheek because I wasn't sure if he wanted that or not. After the 3rd date there was no talk of a 5th one. When I asked him to hangout on labor day he rejected. That's when my anxiety skyrocketed.

Aside from that I messed up. I told him I felt like I was boring him and I'm feeling really nervous. Not sure if I'm his type, etc. Basically everything in the book to scare a guy off. He replied and said to not feel nervous and I don't bore him at all and he can respect my wishes and be just friends. I told him I wanted more but I can't tell with him if he wants that. He hasn't replied since.

I feel like I messed up a good one but at the same time I didnt? I felt like it was insanely too good to be true and that there was something wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it though. Still can't put my finger on it.

August 28, 2018

Way too much. Should be once a week and the content of the conversation should be to set the next date.

I'm pretty sure we've talked about that before (or was it something else), but definitely do not agree on only messaging once a week. It's a surefire way to have someone lose interest in you.

I think messaging someone a few times or so a day (something like that) is more than fine, and what I had success with before my current girlfriend.

Then again, ultimately, that depends on the people involved. Some will want more contact in-between dates than others.

August 28, 2018

I'm pretty sure we've talked about that before (or was it something else), but definitely do not agree on only messaging once a week. It's a surefire way to have someone lose interest in you.

I think messaging someone a few times or so a day (something like that) is more than fine, and what I had success with before my current girlfriend.

Then again, ultimately, that depends on the people involved. Some will want more contact in-between dates than others.

If I hadn't heard from the guy in a week, I already moved on to the next guy who actually was showing genuine interest in me. My most satisfying and successful relationships (including current one) were with men who texted/communicated daily.

August 28, 2018

I'm pretty sure we've talked about that before (or was it something else), but definitely do not agree on only messaging once a week. It's a surefire way to have someone lose interest in you.

I think messaging someone a few times or so a day (something like that) is more than fine, and what I had success with before my current girlfriend.

Then again, ultimately, that depends on the people involved. Some will want more contact in-between dates than others.

Even though he was messaging me daily it was just your basic how's your day one's. Same conversations starters. I think he was hoping for sex. He's 30 years old, I highly doubtful he was looking for something serious. He even sent jokes that we're kinda cruse/sexual. I just turned a cheek though.

August 28, 2018

I'm pretty sure we've talked about that before (or was it something else), but definitely do not agree on only messaging once a week. It's a surefire way to have someone lose interest in you.

I think messaging someone a few times or so a day (something like that) is more than fine, and what I had success with before my current girlfriend.

Then again, ultimately, that depends on the people involved. Some will want more contact in-between dates than others.

I like messaging in between dates. I felt his and I were toi excessive though whi h met our doom I honestly just thoight he was bored. I think I got hooked because he told me he really liked me. As soon as guys say that I latch on. I feel dumb because it's probably just an easy tactic and I hear it from every guy I go on a date with. Just sucks because I felt I could be myself around him. But when I told him I would like to be more than friends(which was date more into something nice) he vanished. That's what hurts the most.

August 28, 2018

If I hadn't heard from the guy in a week, I already moved on to the next guy who actually was showing genuine interest in me. My most satisfying and successful relationships (including current one) were with men who texted/communicated daily.

What kind of daily text were they?

I mostly got from him

"How's your day"

"What are you up to?"

Ones everyday. Even then I felt drained from those but I tried to spice it up and change it a little and talk about something random in the day or say hope you enjoyed the laugh kind of ones

August 28, 2018

What kind of daily text were they?

I mostly got from him
"How's your day"
"What are you up to?"
Ones everyday. Even then I felt drained from those but I tried to spice it up and change it a little and talk about something random in the day or say hope you enjoyed the laugh kind of ones

The ones who interested me weren’t boring in their texts. They were fun, funny, and/or engaging. If ALL I got was a “How’s your day?” ....yawn

August 28, 2018

If a guy hasn't even tried to kiss you by the third date, it seems unlikely that he is just looking to get laid.

Whether it is lack of confidence or interest remains to be seen. He may become just as anxious over dating as you, so if he does reply to your message wanting more than friendship, then you might just have to take things slowly for now.

August 28, 2018

If a guy hasn't even tried to kiss you by the third date, it seems unlikely that he is just looking to get laid.

Whether it is lack of confidence or interest remains to be seen. He may become just as anxious over dating as you, so if he does reply to your message wanting more than friendship, then you might just have to take things slowly for now.

I'm not sure what it was? Maybe another girl?

I even bought a plushie for his niece when I was out of town because he asked me too. Maybe I moved too fast and I was naive.

It's a bit too late though, I told him he didn't seem interested but I enjoyed being around him and nice to meet him. I'm just going to move on.

August 28, 2018

I see. Yeah I just tried to set up to meet him again but he said he's busy... Idk if that's a bad sign or not. He continuously texts me though. I'm feeling worried again.

What does it mean when a woman tells a guy she is "busy" but doesn't give him a counter offer to get together on a different day/time? Like I said, you aren't the only one (and no reason to expect you would be). Busy could easily mean he has other dates but he doesn't want to rub it in your face by telling you that, so it is actually respectful if your willing to see it that way. He keeps texting you because the others he might be seeing have not "won" yet either and he doesn't' want to lose contact with you. So you can either accept that as a possibility and "roll with it" or you can walk away,...the choice is yours.

What you need to be doing is exactly the same thing. You should be seeing others guys until you eventually become exclusive with one. It doesn't mean you have to be jumping in bed with them, but you do need to get out there and realize that you have options. It is a mental and emotional heath issue if nothing else. sitting around obsessing over one guy you have only been on three date with is not healthy.

Edited August 28, 2018 by PRW

August 28, 2018

The ones who interested me weren’t boring in their texts. They were fun, funny, and/or engaging. If ALL I got was a “How’s your day?” ....yawn

Another woman expecting men to entertain her daily, while she sits and waits on him, if texts are not crazy inventive then she loses interest ! I'm sure your replies are always amazing on the other hand... Yawn

Really silly reasoning, I can't stand this entitled thinking, so if the guy is bad at texting or doesn't text every day, he's not worth any effort on your part ?

Dating is 50/50, if you can't text sometimes, I'm not texting back either, men aren't at your service and only, sorry it's time for equality.

Edited August 28, 2018 by Desesperado

August 28, 2018

Another woman expecting men to entertain her daily, while she sits and waits on him, if texts are not crazy inventive then she loses interest ! I'm sure your replies are always amazing on the other hand... Yawn

Really silly reasoning, I can't stand this entitled thinking, so if the guy is bad at texting or doesn't text every day, he's not worth any effort on your part ?

Dating is 50/50, if you can't text sometimes, I'm not texting back either, men aren't at your service and only, sorry it's time for equality.

Interesting perspective. Yes I agree to an extent.

I definitely agree with the 50/50.

I made sure to always offer to pay when I was on dates with him. When I was out of town I even bought him souvenirs / bought his niece something when he asked me too. He offered to pay me back but I said no since he does a lot for me.

Fast forward to now, he told me he likes me but wants to move slowly because he was hurt in his past relationship. Which I understand because weren't we all? Not sure if this is an excuse or not. What I'm confused about is that he says he wants to move slowly but he's the one who set up rapid dates in one week. He literally asked to see me on a weekend. Then on a weekday and then another weekend. I thought things were going good so I agreed! I usually like to space my dates once a week. So when he rejected me and didn't kiss me on third date I thought something was wrong. He says he has his guard up.

August 28, 2018

What does it mean when a woman tells a guy she is "busy" but doesn't give him a counter offer to get together on a different day/time? Like I said, you aren't the only one (and no reason to expect you would be). Busy could easily mean he has other dates but he doesn't want to rub it in your face by telling you that, so it is actually respectful if your willing to see it that way. He keeps texting you because the others he might be seeing have not "won" yet either and he doesn't' want to lose contact with you. So you can either accept that as a possibility and "roll with it" or you can walk away,...the choice is yours.

What you need to be doing is exactly the same thing. You should be seeing others guys until you eventually become exclusive with one. It doesn't mean you have to be jumping in bed with them, but you do need to get out there and realize that you have options. It is a mental and emotional heath issue if nothing else. sitting around obsessing over one guy you have only been on three date with is not healthy.

I understand about the multiple dating but I just can't do it. It's hard. My emotions get haywire and I suck at it lol

But this guy said he likes me but doesn't want to move quickly because he was hurt in his last relationship. I understand everyone moves at their own pace and I was hurt a lot too. I feel like it's an excuse though.

I'm going to go back online and find someone else to talk to. You're right even though it'll be hard.

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3 dates with guy that's going great but I'm having major anxiety and scared??

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